Hate to Love and back
by Hasselhoff
Summary: COMPLETE:: AU; Carter and Abby meet at work and try to form a relationship with the help of her ten year old son, Bryce. Joint Fic with AbbyLockhart2. Part Two up.
1. Dealing

Authors Note: Hey guys this is a joint fic between myself and AbbyLockhart2. Its about Abby, and Carter and well if I went into anymore detail it would give the story away. Just read it and hit that nice little review button. LOL, just give the story a chance.   
  
"Hey baby," I walked into the kitchen looking sleepily at my nine year old who had parked himself on the stool and was eating a bowl of cereal. "Hi mom." He said through mouthfuls of coco puffs. I walk lazily over to the coffee machine and flick the switch to start the coffee. "I'm going to have a quick shower call me when that's done okay?" I yawn. He nods at me. I begin to drag my self to the bathroom when I hear him call me "Oh mom..." I stop and looked at him,  
  
"Yeah?" I knew something was up like he needs something from me.  
  
"Can you sign my report card?" He hesitates, pulling the crinkled piece of paper out of his blue jean pockets. I am surprised he can actually reach his pockets with out bending over completely, since he wears his pants so low. I watch him as he slowly brings the paper towards me and then runs back to his stool. I open it, "Bryce...You are grounded." I say firmly. "MOM!" He protests.  
  
"No... 3 C's and a D. How do you ever plan to get anywhere with grades like this." I say walking over to the counter find a pen. "Mom, I'm not even ten yet, I'm in the first 3 months of grade 5, I have time to improve. This nothing to ground me over."  
  
"Well with grades like this you won't make it to ten." I say scribbling my name on the paper. "I'm calling for a parent teacher interview after work today," I start.  
  
"Mom, come on." He argues.  
  
"If you keep this up I'll be calling now. Go get your back pack ready wash your face, and pull up your pants." I holler at him as he sulkily makes his way through the tiny apartment to his bedroom. I love my son, but he's got to pick it up in school. These marks surprise me, they told me last year he could be gifted and now this behaviour. He has started to hang out with the wrong crowd. He's only nine and he is hanging out with the grade 7 and 8's. Maybe if his father was around he would have someone to look up to. Never mind I don't want him looking up to Richard. He just needs a strong male influence right now. In other news I start my first day at work today, well my new job. I match as a resident at county general. I am nervous, really nervous. I can't have my son, here alone and be watched by the neighbour as originally planned because I don't know what he will do. But I can guarantee it will not be homework. I notice I have been standing in the kitchen thinking for a while and here the coffee maker boil a bit, I rush over and grab my coffee bringing it to the bathroom with me. I have and hour to shower, get dressed and go to work, and make sure my son gets to his school. This will definitely be a long day.  
  
I rush out of the bathroom, I finished my make up and hair in 30 minutes and now have 30 minutes to get myself and my son to our rightful places. "Bryce!" I holler at him. I see him drag himself out of his room. His pants seem lower then they did before, they probably are. He has a blue sweater on which covers his boxers more then the red Ecko shirt he has on underneath so I guess all I can do is pray he keeps it on all day. "Lets go!" He mopes to the front door putting his shoes on. He is tiny like I am, about 4 foot'5, he has sandy blond hair and big blue eyes. He reaches over and grabs his black snow hat off the couch pulling it over his head and smiling at me. I walk over wrapping my arms around him hugging him tightly. He pushes me off after awhile. I open the door and we start our short trip to the EL station. "Okay, so after school instead of coming home I want you to go to county." I heard a groan coming from him. "MOM!" He whines.  
  
"How am I suppose to know that you are doing your homework if I don't monitor you closely." I said as we made our way to the stop. We both stuck our cards in and made our way to the top of the stairs to wait for the train.   
  
"Mom I really think you should trust me on this." He said looking at me with pleading eyes and placing his hand on his chest. "Prove your worth trusting."   
  
"Bah, mom. I'm ten in a month I think I should be able to come home by myself. Its not hard." He explained.   
  
"Its not that you can't get home, its what you do when your home." "I can't believe this, you take my right to stay home after 3 months." He said kicking the ground angrily. "Bryce, this is nonnegotiable." He stamped his foot as the train pulled in. I rolled my eyes at him, grabbing onto his sweater so we would not get separated through the stampede. We got on the train finding to seats beside each other. "I hope this place isn't a shit hole." He hisses.  
  
"Bryce, your going to be grounded for a month if you don't get rid of this attitude."   
  
"You know I bet dad wouldn't care about my pants, my grades or the people I hang out with." He says in a huff.   
  
"And is that what you want, someone who doesn't care about you?" I fume looking him squarely in the eye, so he couldn't say yes.   
  
"No!" He answers weakly.  
  
"Okay," I said then turned towards him. "Bryce, I love you. I just want the best for you, and its hard sometimes. I don't have anyone else to help me. You don't have a father, or a father figure. I know you like the people you hang out with, but don't forget the people from last year. What happened to those boys they were all very nice. You are still young your not even ten I don't want you in any gangs, or into anything like smoking or drinking."   
  
"I know mom." He said getting up. I walked out with him and we walked to the next stop, where he left for school and I switched trains to go to my new job. 


	2. definitley not love

Authors Note- This chapter is courtesy of Abby Lockhart2, we are co-writing this fic. She did an awesome job writing it, so take a look. We are switching back and forth from Abby and Carters POV's.   
  
~*~  
  
I woke up, my back was killing me again. The worst thing about sleeping on the couch in the lounge, back problems. Permanent. I walked towards the desk, Chuny waking me up since the new resident was here. Anna, or Angie, or something. I don't care. She better be able to hold up in the hospital. I have too many things going on at once. I walked slowly trying to get the knots out of my neck, but it didn't work. I ran my hand through my hair, not like I needed someone to impress or anything, but I might as well look presentable. I saw Susan talking to some short, small brunette, handing her a lab coat. Aha. That must be her. I headed over there, not sure about what I was supposed to do. What was this whole thing about Chief. More paper work and longer shifts. Big deal. I smiled at Susan. She was okay. We had given the whole "us" thing a shot, and it didn't work out. I don't' exactly know why. But she's still a close friend. I stood behind her, listening to what Susan was talking about, discharges, board, admits. Boring stuff. Let the girl get to work and show me what she's got.   
  
"Thanks Susan, I'll take it from here."  
  
I turned to the woman, she was even shorter than I had originally thought. She was cute. Older for sure, but definitely cute. I looked at her, and I was going to smile. But then I thought against it. I couldn't give her an easy first day. It wouldn't be fair. I grabbed 4 charts from the nearby rack, and practically threw them at her.   
  
"Start with those, and I'm going to give you 4 every 10 minutes so I suggest you get to it."   
  
Those charts were beginning to build up, and I wanted to get out of here as soon as possible and get to an actual bed. I grabbed two myself heading off after her. I needed to keep an eye on her for a while. Hopefully she wouldn't' be stupid enough to kill anyone on her first day. But who knows. She didn't look too bright. And Susan liked her. That was always a bad sign. I got to my first patients room which was conveniently being shared by her patient. I still didn't even know her name. She was helping the old woman onto the bed, quickly asking about some problems. I caught her name, Dr. Abby Lockhart. That name sounds familiar. Who knows maybe I've met her somewhere before. Or not. Or one of her relatives. Whatever it may be, I have patients to get to.   
  
I walked out of the room hesitantly, not sure if to trust her yet. I walked straight into Susan.   
  
"She's great isn't she?"  
  
I looked at her, questioning her sanity mentally. She hadn't been here even three minutes and all of a sudden everyone thinks she's great.   
  
"We'll see if she can make it through a shift."  
  
Susan laughed. "Better than you can."  
  
Susan's sarcasm always gets the best of me. It's not my fault I've been having to pull triple shifts since the last resident left. I get tired. I fall asleep. It's human nature. I watched her working through the window, she was calmly explaining something to an old woman, and comforting her. I headed towards the room once more.  
  
"Dr. Lockarm, don't you have other patients?"  
  
She gave me the death stare, I knew it. I walked outside, hoping she would get the idea to follow me. She did. She was a smart one, wasn't she?   
  
"First of all, it's Dr. Lockhart, and second you have no right to tell me how to manage my time!"   
  
Yes, actually I do. I'm your boss.   
  
"You have another 4 patients waiting for you at the front desk. This isn't a private hospital. We have about 40 people waiting to be seen, and more on the way."   
  
We couldn't afford to be spending so much time with individual patients. Treat them and street them. That's the only way to get through a day.   
  
"Yes, so we're just supposed to ignore our patient's feelings?"  
  
I was getting a little bit frustrated. Why couldn't she understand that we have so much work to do that we don't have time.   
  
"Let psyche deal with them."   
  
I knew she was getting angry.   
  
"Excuse me, I have to spend time with my patient."  
  
She just turned around and left me. She went back to her patient and started talking to her again. She had nerve, and a big problem with respect. I don't like her. I don't like her at all. Who hired her in the first place? 


	3. bonding

Authors Note: Hey guys this is chapter three, not much of an authors note for this one, just keep with this. I know its not very Carby right now, but it will be! Trust us, we have good ideas of where this fic could go, lol!   
  
~*~  
  
four o'clock in the after noon. Where the hell is Bryce? We said 3:40, not 3:45, not 3:41, and certainly not 4:00. I bet he is hanging out with those punks. I blame this on Richard, it is completely Richards fault why did I marry him? Why did I date him? The only good think out of that relationship was Bryce, and look what he was turning into. I wish I could find some nice kid for him to hang around with. He is such a nice boy. He climbed up a tree to rescue a cat once. That was a year ago though, but it still counts. I look away from my chart and up at the clock once more. "Hey, you're not off for another four hours so get to work!" Dr. Carter hollers at me. What a jerk! I hate him, with a passion I've known him for 8 hours and I would already go to his funeral just to make sure he really was dead. I roll my eyes at him, as he glares back at me. "I wasn't kidding." He says in a low voice, but still very rudely. "Look I just..." I start but he cuts me off before I can finish.  
  
"You just nothing, now stop talking and work, Jesus is that too much to ask from you, when its your JOB!" He says emphasizing on the word job.   
  
I walk away into the exam room, to see my next patient. I flip through the chart looking over at the admit desk, and there he is. There stands Bryce talking to my newfound worst enemy. I slap the patients chart down and approach both men angrily. I hear Carter telling him, that this is not a Doctors office and you can not make appoints, so he should go sit in the chairs. I walk up to them both grabbing Bryce by the arm. "This is my kid." I say rudely to Carter. "Where were you?" I say pulling Bryce into a corner so Carter could not hear up speaking. "Mom, chill out okay." He says pulling away from me. "I was just at the park with a few guys." He says, as I reach up and pull the same black hat that was on his head this morning off and stare at him. Take your bag and go into the lounge I want to see all your homework done. You have four hours." I order.  
  
"Four hours?" Bryce whines. I am about to answer with don't complain on you'll be grounded for a month added onto the two weeks I gave you this morning, but the man from hell arrives. "Dr. Lockhart this isn't a social occasion." He says thumbing through his chart. "I'll be right there." I say bitterly, looking him straight in the eyes. Bryce looks at both of us, wondering what the hell is going on. "Now." He replies then walks away.  
  
"Go to the lounge." I tell Bryce as I walk towards my next patient. I can't believe he just acted like that, he had no business butting into the conversation between me and my son.   
  
"What's wrong?" Susan questioned me, as she walked into the room I was in.   
  
"Oh nothing, just Carter." I say angrily jotting notes down on the chart.  
  
"He's a good guy." She insists.  
  
My ass, if you as me he's not far behind Richard in the complete and total ass category.  
  
"If you say so." I say sarcastically.  
  
"It's just Carter, is stubborn and likes people to know he's in charge." She explains.  
  
"I feel bad for his wife."   
  
"He's not married, or in a relationship."   
  
"That doesn't surprise me."  
  
I smile tiredly at Susan and then walk out of the room. Seeing Gallant on my way out.  
  
"How's the first day?" he asks pleasantly.  
  
"Could be better." I say. I only have an hour left, so I guess it could be worse also.   
  
"I know how you feel." He expresses. I look over and see Sam, a nurse, that was recently hired talking with Bryce and another boy. This grabs and holds my attention. I excuse myself and walk over to Sam who seems to be lecturing the two of them. "Hey" I say interrupting. "Hi." Sam says annoyed.  
  
"What's going on?" I ask looking at Bryce in the eye.  
  
"Nothing" he mutters.  
  
"Is this..." Sam starts  
  
"my son? Oh yeah." I say. She nods at me raising her eye brows.  
  
"What the hell happened to all the supplies?" Carter bellows from down the hall, walking towards us with an enraged look on his face. Sam points at the boys. "And I thought you would be throwing bricks at houses." I cringe. Sam points to Carter and the boys slowly walk over to him with apologetic, yet scared looks on their faces. Just then Luka appears looking confused. "Where'd the supplies go?" He asks then looks down to see the partners in crime. I didn't know Sam had a son, I actually don't know much about any of the people who work here. Her son is about the same height as Bryce maybe a little smaller, and has long hair. The boy looked like he was troublesome but is smart. The same goes for Bryce. "We took them." He confesses.   
  
"Alex did take them, and he will give them all back, and the ones he wrecked he'll pay to replace." Sam punished.  
  
"Whose this guy?" Luka asked pointing down at my little angel.  
  
"Bryce." He said.  
  
"Bryce..." Luka asked motioning for Bryce to continued with his hands.   
  
"What's it to you." he said obnoxiously.   
  
"Bryce, get into the lounge get your things and bring them out here now." I said as calmly as possible. He snarled then walked towards the lounge.  
  
"He has a bit of an attitude." Luka observed.  
  
"I can see where he gets it from." Carter added. I hate him, I hate him, hate him, HATE HIM! "Shut up." I say gruffly, following my son.  
  
"What the hell were you thinking?" I scream, slamming my hand onto the table he is sitting at. "We wanted to use the stuff...We were going to give the stuff we didn't use back." He explains. He looks back down at the magazine on the table. This isn't good enough for me, I can not believe my son just stole things from the hospital I have been working at for well almost 12 hours. "Get your things." I say turning around and leaving. The door swings roughly on the way out. I feel wind hit me as he runs through the door after me.   
  
"How long am I grounded for this time." He asks blowing wind out of his cheeks.   
  
"Go sit down over there." I point to the waiting area, I see him walk over to where Alex is sitting glumly. Sam looks at me, and I give her an 'I'm sorry look.' I approach her and she smiles weakly and as if it was planned we both apologize at the same time. "I'm sorry.." We laugh. "Alex, he just he has always done stuff like this, I'm sorry he dragged Bryce into it."   
  
"Don't let him off the hook that easy. Bryce has been getting to trouble lately." I pick up another chart, and pretend to look at it, while I'm really watching my son staring straight ahead at all the Doctors. "Where's his dad?" Sam asks breaking my concentration.  
  
"Oh- Uh, I don't know, I haven't seen him since Bryce was 5. He has a new family." I chew my bottom lip. Sam nods sympathetically, like she knows exactly what I am talking about, she probably does.   
  
I look up to see Alex at the vending machine and Carter sitting with my son, talking to him. This worries me. A lot. 


	4. someone new

Authors Note: OKay Abby Lockhart2 wrote this chapter and its really good, it shows carter as a littel bit softer and nicer indivual for those who thought we wree making him hard, well take a read. And as always please read and review  
  
~*~  
  
I walked towards the boy sitting in the chairs. He seemed like a bright one, even with a mother with more problems than someone can count. I always liked kids. They were great. I could have the best conversations with them, and sometime it just surprized me how much they really know about life. They can change your perspective in a snap. I sat down next to him, searching for something to say to him.   
  
"Listen, Doc, I'm sorry."   
  
So maybe I didn't have to exactly be the one to start this conversation.   
  
"Ehh, don't worry about it. I've stolen more in my lifetime."   
  
I really did. I just borrowed things every few days. It's not like they keep track, I just take what and when I need and play dumb when the nurses come screaming about being low on supplies. I didn't know what else to say, this beginning awkward silence sort overcame us both. At least he wasn't too much like his mother.   
  
"So what were you two actually going to do with all that stuff?"   
  
I looked at him begin to laugh a bit, and he just started to shake his head, that mischievous grin growing on his face. Now I really wanted to know.   
  
"Well?"  
  
I needed to know. This probably was very interesting and I was involved now.   
  
"We were going to make a spider web for Dr. Hook to get caught in."   
  
I looked at him questioningly.  
  
"Dr. Hook?"  
  
He kept on trying to stifle his laughter. I looked where he began to point, and sure enough there was Dr. Romano on his morning bitching rounds. I couldn't help but begin to laugh with him. It was an idea. It really was.   
  
"So your not mad?"  
  
I looked at him and smiled, the thought of what the two boys were actually planning to do still fresh in my head. I wanted to start laughing again. It would be perfect for Romano to get a dose of his own medicine once in a while.   
  
"No. I'm not."   
  
I heard the sigh escape from him, probably of relief.   
  
"At least your not like my mother... She's a complete bi.."   
  
I heard his voice slowly decent into a whisper and I felt someone standing over the two of us.   
  
"Bryce Lockhart!"   
  
I looked up at her, and she seemed a bit mad. Maybe not just a bit. I didn't want to interrupt this little family affair, but I felt sorry for the poor kid. Having to deal with her in her normal state was bad, he shouldn't have to deal with her when she's PMS-ing. Here goes nothing. I might as well help, I mean I can't hurt the situation more than it already is.   
  
"Dr. Lockhart aren't you a little behind on your patients?"  
  
I started to stand up and I towered over her. She looked about ready to slap me.   
  
"Would you please let me talk to my son, alone."  
  
I knew I should have shut up, left the scene then, but I'm stubborn, I admit it. I couldn't just leave the kid with her.   
  
"Yes, at 7:01 when you are officially off."   
  
I prepared myself for the blow, but I got nothing. She just put her stethoscope over her head, pulling it down in frustration. She stomped off towards exam one. I looked at him, and he didn't seem too happy or excited for the conversation that they would be having at home.   
  
"Thanks."   
  
I shook my head no problem in response. At least I saved one life today, even if it wasn't using my abilities as a doctor. I realized at that moment that I was already off, about 13 minutes ago. I looked at the boy sitting in the chairs, playing silently with his fingers, figuring a way out of the mess he was in.   
  
"Come on."   
  
I don't know what I had in plan for us, but I guess a soda and maybe a talk on the roof might help. It had always helped me. Maybe I would be able to figure out some way for him to deal with his psychopath mother. I saw him giving me a questioning look, but he quickly obeyed and got up after me. I headed towards the stairs, Bryce in tow behind me. I finally managed to code his name. It always takes me a while with names.   
  
"Where are we going?"   
  
I knew he was a bit worried, sceptical of my plan. Hell, he didn't even know where I was taking him.   
  
"The roof. Best place to think."   
  
I walked slowly up the stairs, usually I took the elevator, but I wasn't in a rush and a little exercise was always good. He followed behind me, almost running up the stairs. I was out of breath by the fifth floor, he was still holding strong. He must be really good at track or sports. When we finally reached the door, I opened it for him, the chilly breeze hitting both of us like a hard wake up call. After the instant surprise of the wind, the city began to play itself out, and I knew he was captivated. Not a lot of people go to see the city from the top of the hospital. Everything looked better from up higher. I loved it up here.   
  
"Great huh?"   
  
I saw him nod his head and smile. I instantly realized I liked him. He was intelligent and determined. He just happened to be cursed with a bad family. But that was always the down side to everything, the family. 


	5. meeting my mentor

Authors Note: Not much to this chapter, just keeping it simple for a chapter or two before we hit the good stuff! As always please review, thanks to everyone who already has!   
  
~*~ loud noise disturbs me from my rest and I sit up in bed abruptly. I look around into the pitch black room. I immediately think of Bryce, a million thoughts run through my head. Is he okay? Is someone in his room trying to take him? Did he fall out of bed? Is he running away? I get out of bed quickly walking out of my room to see my whole living room lit up like a Christmas tree. Bryce sitting on the floor in his sweat pants and a t shirt. His hair messy, legs crossed and concentrating very hard on building what seems to be a model car, the last present his father bought for him. It must have been 3 and a half years ago now. He sits, his tongue slightly out of his mouth, he seems to be in deep concentration, not even noticing my presence. I look to the ground to see the box fallen over. That must have been what fell. "Bryce." I say hoarsely. He looks up startled.   
  
"Oh hey mom." He says after settling down. I walk towards him a bit more, just more then a little curious as to what my 'thug' son was doing building model cars. "What yah doing?" I say moving the box to sit down beside him.   
  
"Building."   
  
"Bryce, it's three o'clock in the morning."  
  
"I know. I work better in the night, when there is nothing around to distract me. Yah know?" He says turning to look at me with a pleasant smile.   
  
"Yeah, I do." I smile back. I have no clue what has gotten into him. I couldn't find him after my shift, I looked frantically all over the hospital finding him on the roof with Dr. Carter, they were laughing about something and seemed to be getting along quite well.  
  
This new habit must have something to do with Carter. "So... What did Dr. Carter say to you on the roof tonight?" I push.  
  
"Stuff." Is his reply. This does not surprise me. It seems to be a typical Bryce reply.  
  
"Oh."   
  
"Yeah, he's really cool. I don't understand why you don't like him."   
  
"He was rude to me Bryce, and besides its not that I don't like him its..." I start but Bryce cuts me off before I can finish. "He's just an ass." He says exasperated.  
  
"Bryce..." I say compassionately placing my hand on his arm. He shrugs it off. "I will try to get along with him if it makes you happy." I say forcing a tight smile.  
  
"You don't have to like anyone you don't want." He says dryly. "He doesn't like you either." It didn't take a genius to figure that out.  
  
"I know. Why model cars?" I raise my eye brow.  
  
"Carter says that, I should do something that interests me to take my mind off my problems." he explains.  
  
"I never knew model cars interested you."   
  
"Yeah, neither did I. But I've always liked cars, so maybe I can learn a bit more about them." I nod and agree with this. Maybe he could.  
  
"So what else did Carter say to you?" I push.  
  
"Mom, just guy stuff."   
  
Maybe Carter would be a good influence on Bryce, or at least a male influence. I don't like Carter but maybe he and Bryce could hang out for a bit. Who am I kidding? I just am desperate to find someone for Bryce, one talk doesn't make them best friends. I sigh deeply and make my way back to bed. I lean down placing a kiss on Bryce's forehead, he touches my arm and smiles up at me. "Night mom!"   
  
------------------  
  
"Hello?" I hear Bryce say into the phone,  
  
"Oh hey Alex." Alex's Sam's son?  
  
"Yeah, she works today, yeah she's forcing me to come with her." He sighs.  
  
"Yeah, okay bye." Alex's mom must be working today too. It's been a week since the incident, and the boys have gotten rather close, which at first bothered me a bit, but now is okay with me. They seemed to have rubbed off on each other. Alex now wears his pants a bit lower, but Bryce does his homework, and is now pretty interested in the equipment used at the hospital, he also is reading many car magazines. "Okay, Bryce get your coat and backpack and lets go to the hospital." I instruct picking up my purse. He walks into his bedroom, and comes out dressed in his coat and his sweat suit. He hates it when I call it that, but the sweater matches the sweat pants so its a sweat suit to me.   
  
"Can Alex and I maybe go get lunch or something at that diner today?" Bryce asks biting into a cookie as we ride the EL. "I don't know, let me think about it."   
  
"Okay," he replies simply. I smile, at his new easy going attitude.   
  
"I wonder if Dr. Carter is working today? Or Dr. Kovac, they're both kind of cool." He shrugs. "Yeah I like Dr. Kovac." I respond.   
  
"Yeah, I know. He's dating Alex's mom."   
  
"I know." The train comes to a stop and we get off. It's a Saturday so not that many people are on the train. I walk looking straight ahead as Bryce scans the premises.   
  
"Hey, mom look." He says pointing to a man about 15 feet away, and then I see who it is. Oh great. "Dr. Carter." Bryce shouts waving. He sees us and smiles walking over, holding his hand out and Bryce takes it shaking it. "Hey Bryce." He says smiling at him. His smile fades when he sees me. Well who else would he be here with. "Dr. Lockhart." He nods. business like. "Hi." I say very uninterested.   
  
"So, you coming into the hospital today?" He asks Bryce.  
  
"Yeah, my mom works. 12 hours."   
  
"Oh really... I work 8, maybe you and Alex can come out for dinner with me." He invites.  
  
"Can I mom?" Bryce begs.  
  
"I'll see." I say bored.  
  
"That means no." Bryce shakes his head.  
  
"When I said that this morning it seemed to be good enough for you." I say angered.   
  
"Okay." Bryce, replies. I don't know what he means by that, but I don't want to fight, not here, not in front of Carter. The three of us walk towards the hospital in an eerie silence. 


	6. Pizza, video games and awkwardness

Authors Note: Okay this is chapter 6, please read and review guys! This chapter is kind of long and its written by Abby Lockhart 2, a great chapter too, its the introduction to some heavy carby, so give it a once over and tell us if you like it!   
  
~*~  
  
My shift flew by, along with four extra hours I didn't even realize. It had been so crazy today. We had a huge MVA on the Kennedy, and got slammed with most of the casualties since Mercy and North western were full. I had about 30 charts to finish, but they could wait till the next day. I was completely exhausted. I headed towards the lounge, intent on grabbing my things and just heading to a warm bed. I walked in and noticed Alex and Bryce sitting on the couch, looking in plain terms, bored to death.   
  
"Exciting day, huh?"  
  
Both boys rolled their eyes at me. It had been an exciting day for me at least. I remembered this morning's conversation with the two, and wondered if they were still up for dinner.   
  
"So guys still interested in dinner?"   
  
I watched the two look at each other, and simultaneously nod their heads eagerly. I'll take that as a yes. But of course they would have to go ask their mothers. I was up for a guy's night out, even if it involved two rambunctious boys. I was about to open my mouth to tell them to go ask their mothers when Sam walked in. She nodded acknowledging me and I gave her a small smile.   
  
"Alex, your spending the night over at Bryce's, I have to pull a double."   
  
I didn't even have to look over at the boys to know they were scheming up a very intricate plan to make this a night to remember.   
  
"Sam, I was actually wondering if it would be okay if I took Alex, along with Bryce out to dinner?"   
  
She looked at me, looked back at her watch, and started nodding.   
  
"Yeah. It's fine with me. Double check with Abby though."   
  
I nodded in response and waved her on her way, since she probably had more work stacked up than any doctor. And it didn't help that they were short three nurses, and the others didn't speak too much English. I turned back around to the boys.  
  
"You heard her, Bryce go ask your mother."   
  
I watched him shut his eyes, throwing his head back, exaggerating the whole situation. I found it quite funny, actually.   
  
"Ask me what?"  
  
I hadn't even heard her enter the room. I looked around at her, standing there with her arms crossed. She looked the same way she did that morning, unhappy and grouchy. Was she always like that, or was it just a weekly thing?   
  
"If I could take the boys out to dinner?"  
  
She looked at the boys, and I knew they had their best begging faces on. Pouty lips and pleading eyes.   
  
"I was actually planning to head home with the two."   
  
I heard the disappointed sighs of the two. So did she, by the look on her face. I looked back at the boys, and sure enough they looked ready to cry. Well not really, but close. I pulled her back just shy of earshot of the two.   
  
"Listen, they sat around all day, let them have some fun."   
  
I watched her run her hands through her hair. She pulled at the strands and fiddled with them.   
  
"It's late. I really don't want either out at this hour without Sam or me."   
  
And what was I supposed to be? Wasn't I supervision enough?   
  
"Then come along. It's just pizza."   
  
I waited for a response from her. That took much more effort than I thought it originally would. I didn't agree with her methods of parenting, or her methods of medicine for that matter, and all I needed was another hour with her. But I had no other choice, I had two kids depending on me right now. I couldn't let Alex and Bryce down. After what seemed like a century of endless torture, she nodded her head.   
  
"Fine. Only this once."  
  
Believe me sweetie, I wouldn't want to spend more time with you than I have to already.   
  
"Great."  
  
I hope that my voice hadn't had that sarcastic tone I'm so known for. I turned around at the boys and nodded my head. Their instant high fives told me this was going to be a good night. I was in reach of the chairs and picked up both their coats and threw them at the two. I pulled my coat out of my locker, as did she, who was in eyesight. I motioned with my head for the two to head out, and I waited for Abby. I opened the door, and let her walk through. She stopped on our way out the door to talk to Sam for a second. All I heard from Sam was a quick "Good Luck" to Abby. I waved bye to the rest and headed out, jogging out the boys who were a good half block ahead of me.  
  
We reached the restaurant in record time. It was one of those pizza and play places. I had passed by it a few times, and it seemed nice, so I thought it would give the boys a chance to tire out before heading home. Alex and Bryce ran in, heading to check out the games and machines, while I waited for Abby, who was taking a long time getting to the door. I opened it up again for her, just by reflex again, and when we got in, I took her coat along with mine, Bryce's, and Alex's. I handed them to the doorman and we headed to the table. I pulled up a seat for her, and I sat down across from her. We ordered a cheese pizza, since it was probably the only kind everyone could agree on, and I cashed in some money for tokens for the boys to play with. We sent them off on their ways with an equal amount of tokens in hand. Now it was about time for the awkward silence to begin. I didn't exactly feel like talking to her. But I guess I had sort of buried myself in my own grave.   
  
"Bryce is a great kid."   
  
I watched her take a sip of her Coke and nod her head.  
  
"Yeah, he is."   
  
The only way to get on someone's good side is to compliment her or his children. I wanted us to at least be civil.   
  
"Considering all he's been through, he's strong."   
  
I looked up at her, and I automatically realized that this wasn't the best topic.   
  
"I'm still worried about him."   
  
My turn to play with the straw and soda. It was sort of my habit. Then I would begin to play with the napkin when the soda bored me. Years of formal dinners sort of did that to a person.   
  
"He wants to grow up too fast."   
  
I saw she looked over to where the two boys were playing a car racing video game.   
  
"He misses his father."   
  
I knew that was probably a big reason he was acting the way he was. He had told me enough about his history for me to know he didn't have the best childhood. Although Abby seemed to try, she didn't know how to reach him. And a kid at this age needs a positive example of a male figure. Otherwise his behaviour could only get worse.   
  
"Have you tried talking to him?"  
  
She nodded her head, then somewhat abruptly stopped.  
  
"I talk to him, but I never know how to bring certain things up."   
  
I knew how that was, only except it wasn't with my kid, only my father and mother.   
  
"Just keep doing what you're doing. You've gotten him this far."   
  
She wasn't a model mother, but she wasn't a horrible one either. She genuinely cared about him, much more than I can say about half the patients I see in the ER on a daily basis. I saw the waiter coming, the sent of freshly prepared pizza drawing in the two hungry boys.   
  
After about 3 pieces each, the two boys dispersed yet once again, and I was left alone with Abby. I looked at her in the dim lighting of the restaurant, and there was something about her. Something I just couldn't exactly put my finger on. But I instantly gained some compassion for her. She must be really having a hard time raising Bryce and trying to keep her work load at County. Maybe I had judged her a little too harshly at the beginning.  
  
"You okay?"   
  
I watched her play around with the chain she had around her neck.   
  
"Yeah. Just tired."  
  
I think everyone was probably tired after a day like that.   
  
"You want to head home?"  
  
She nodded her head gently, probably debating whether to stay for a few minutes longer and tire out the boys some more so they would sleep through the night. I signaled for the boys to head over back to the table. They looked tired out as well, and I guess the night hadn't been a complete disaster or waste.   
  
"Come on, I'll walk you guys home."   
  
I helped Abby out of her chair, and slipped on her coat. I paid the bill and headed out the door to meet the trio waiting on the steps. Alex and Bryce instantly moved ahead of us, whispering and laughing. Abby and I walked in silence towards the L, I wasn't surprised. Both of us were probably running on auto pilot, completely worn out from the whole day. 


	7. after pizza

Authors Note- Short chapter that I wrote at like 2 in the morning, forgive me if it sucks, Abby Lockhart2's chapter rocks, so look forward to that! I promise my next chapter will be better!  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
I'm dead tired, I can barley move, and yet here I am sitting at a restaurant with my least favourite person, during a time when I'd much rather be at home in my bed sleeping. There is an awkward silence, we have already talked a bit about Bryce, I can tell he does not think I am doing a great job with him. I could care less as to what John Carter thinks about my parenting, like he could do any better. He was raised by nannies I bet. Mr. Rich, judging me. He's not being to bad I guess its my lack of sleep. He pays the bill, and I let him. I don't argue with this, call me rude I don't care. He also helps me into my jacket as we make our way outside the boys running ahead, laughing and such. I can hear them laugh about something , and Alex turns around watching us walk side by side, bumping into each other every once and a while. We are both tired and can't help but walk into each other. The boys slow down and I hear them say something that startles and worries me, "Do think your mom and Carter are going to date and then get married?" I can feel my face flush at the sound of this, and I know Carter hears them talking too. How could he not, their mere feet away from us, they probably think they can't be heard, or are doing this to make a point, send a message. "I hope so, he's the coolest guy ever." Is Bryce's respond. His face lights up as he says this, and this upsets me because this well never happen. The boys run ahead, and eventually up the stairs and into the apartment building. "Hey mom." Bryce says poking his head out the door to talk to me. Pass me the keys. I hand him the key and stand outside of the building to thank Carter for the night, as much as I would like to walk out on him now. We didn't talk much and I don't really like him anymore then I did earlier. Maybe I will in the morning when I can think a little more clearly. "Thanks." I say shyly.  
  
"No problem. My pleasure." He beams, I know he likes Bryce and Alex, and has taken a special liking to Bryce. "I hope what they said back their doesn't bother you." Carter smiles, why did he have to bring that up? "Look, you better not hurt Bryce he's had enough disappointment from men and just everyone he doesn't need it from you." I say furiously. I know Bryce and Carter have not known each other very long but Bryce seems to have taken a liking to Carter, and looks up to him. Carter seems taken a back by this comment. "Look Abby, just because you and I do not like each other, does not mean I am out to get your son. I like Bryce, and sometimes wonder if your his biological mother, because someone that nice and kind couldn't possible come from someone so callous and rude." He says in defence of himself. Despite him paying for dinner and walking us home, I think he is a bigger jack ass then I could have ever imagined. "Screw you." I spit walking angrily into my apartment. I slam the door and run up the stairs to get to my floor. When I get there I throw the door open noticing the two boys giggling. Bryce looks up to see my enraged face. "What's wrong mom?" He asks concerned. I push the hair out of my face and put on my best fake smile. "Nothing baby, nothing." The boys just shrug and go back to their talking. "Uh- it's getting late why don't you guys go get ready for bed and watch a movie in your room." They nod getting up from their spots on the couch and I reside there. I look at the blank television screen with no desire to turn it on. Pure hate takes over me right now. I'm not sure who I hate more, Carter for being the ass that he is or myself for believing that would be a quick painless dinner. I don't even think I want Bryce to hang around Carter anymore, I don't want him rubbing off on my son. I close my eyes taking deep breaths. trying to calm myself, when I hear the buzzer go off, who would buzz us at 10 o'clock? I unwillingly get up and haul myself over and push the button, "Yeah." I say rather rudely. "Hey, its me, Alex left his prize with me I just thought he would want it." Carter explains.  
  
"Okay." I say not wanting to fight him on this, I let him come up and wait impatiently for him. I want to go to bed, anything but deal with him again. I know the boys will come out if 5 minutes whining that they forgot the toy, so I might as well just let him come up and give it to them. I take my coat off while I wait and find an elastic on the counter throwing my hair up. I hear him knock at the door and I swing it open. He smiles awkwardly, holding a box in his hand. He holds it out for me and I take it. We look at each other for a while, neither breaking the hold. I don't know why we don't speak or I don't close the door on him but their is something about this moment that makes me feel safe, and that is something I haven't felt in 10 years. A small smile creeps upon my lips but I stop it before he can see it. He decides to break the silence, and I pray its not by bringing up any of our conversations from tonight. "I...better b-be going." He stammers, he turns around and leaves. All I can do is frown, I don't know what I expected to happen, I don't want to become his friend and I certainly do not want to kiss him. 


	8. bumping heads

Authors Note: This chapter is written by Abby Lockhart2, please read and review and tell us what we can improve on the story, or what you'd like to see happen! PLease review thankS!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hey also sorry for posting chp 7 twice, my bad it was a lack of concetration on my part and im very sorry for the delay, I hope oyu enjoy!   
  
~*~   
  
I walked into work that morning sleep deprived and achy. I just couldn't fall asleep, and I couldn't lie in bed, so I decided to get dressed and go out for a job. Now I realize that was a huge mistake. My back was hurting like never before, along with my calves. Never again. Just never again. I clocked in, slowly limping due to sore muscles. I grabbed the first chart, a woman about 43 with way too many medical problems to count, along with some psychiatrist disorder. I didn't feel like dealing with anything too stressful or time consuming today. A few laques, some traumas, maybe a few fevers and chills. Nothing that involved expensive and time consuming tests or dealing with querulous patients. I saw Dr. Lockhart walking towards the desk, pulling her hair up into a quick bun. I looked at her, and started to head over there. I handed her the chart.   
  
"I want to see what you can do."   
  
She finished with her hair, which probably couldn't have taken any more time, and grabbed the chart from me. She scanned the first page, the second, and I saw this look that pretty much told me she was as thrilled as a person going for a root canal. I smirked inwardly. We all had our share of annoying patients. Your turn sweetie. She rolled her eyes at me and turned around to head to exam one. I grabbed the next chart. A woman cut her hand with a knife trying to slice a bagel. Smart. Very smart. But it was something I needed. Nothing big, just irrigation and simple suture. I was about to head over to the woman when I heard my name being called. I whipped around to see Bryce jogging towards me.   
  
"Hey Bryce."   
  
He looked like he was out of breath and I waited for him to start to breathe again normally.   
  
"Are you busy?"   
  
I cocked my head from side to side, debating whether this woman with the bleeding hand could wait, but the doctor inside me told me I needed to really start working.   
  
"Actually, I sort of am right now, but I'm free for lunch. Ask your mother if it would be okay for you to go with me?"   
  
I watched him nod his head, as if he was about to run and ask her that very moment. I ruffled his hair up a bit just before leaving him at the desk and heading to the bagel woman.   
  
The bagel woman was actually really sweet and kind, and I really didn't want to leave her. She was so full of compliments, I was growing a bit red. I signed off on her chart, and told her to come back in about a week to get the stitches removed. I headed over to the board to see how everything was progressing. I had about 8 patients signed up due to Susan. And Dr. Lockhart had one. That was not fair to everyone else who were working their asses off trying to discharge patients. I grabbed my ninth chart, and headed off to see what was taking her so long. I walked into the room, and saw her sitting there, talking to the woman. I cleared my throat, getting both their attentions, and threw my head back, signalling for her to follow me outside.   
  
"What the hell is taking you so long?"   
  
That came out a bit more hostile than I had planned.   
  
"I'm taking a history."   
  
Histories did not take over 20 minutes. In twenty minutes I could get at least 3 patients seen and discharged.   
  
"Well it's taking too long. Treat her main problem and get her out of here. We need the bed."   
  
I saw a bit of anger in her eyes. She probably wasn't used to authority. This one would need a little breaking in.   
  
"She has multiple problems."   
  
I closed my eyes, running my hand through my hair in frustration.   
  
"Why is she here, what was she admitted to the ER for?"  
  
She glanced at her chart quickly.   
  
"Bladder infection."  
  
I breathed out forcefully.   
  
"Treat her for that and send her to the clinic."   
  
I saw her begin to pout just a bit.   
  
"She has several underlying medical factors."   
  
Couldn't she just listen to me.   
  
"I don't give a damn what other things may be wrong with her. Treat her for the bladder infection and discharge. I'm giving you the next five charts, so I suggest you hurry the hell up, now."  
  
I said it so nonchalantly, that I left her in a state of confusion for a few seconds. I turned around heading towards main desk to grab and bring to her five charts. I heard something mumbled a few feet behind me, but I couldn't make out what it was, I'd rather not know. So I'll just give her six charts instead of five. We're starting to back up, and there's just no time for this silly little psychiatrist game she plays.   
  
I had the charts ready and headed back to the exam room. I walked in to find her, yet once again, sitting and talking with the woman. Did she understand English? I walked up close to her, she knew I was there. I handed her the charts, and walked around to the other side of the bed.   
  
"Hi, I'm Dr. Carter, I'm going to be taking over for Dr. Lockhart who just happens to be a bit overwhelmed by other work."  
  
I saw her give me an evil glance like she was ready to pounce at any second. I snatched the chart from her hand, and quickly filled orders to get her on medication for the bladder infection. In less than 5 minutes I was done with something that had taken her over 25 minutes, and she still hadn't even gotten halfway done. I signed off on the chart and headed out of the room, the nurse running to fill the orders. I got halfway towards my next patient when I heard her yell my name.   
  
"Dr. Carter!"   
  
I rolled my eyes and turned around to face her.   
  
"Yes?"  
  
I was too tired to be dealing with this right now.  
  
"What the hell do you think your doing? That was MY patient."  
  
I was doing what a doctor is supposed to do, treating her.  
  
"She had a bladder infection. Treat her, street her. This isn't a private practice."   
  
She gave me another one of her glares.   
  
"I never got through with the history."  
  
I started to turn around, apparently done with this conversation.  
  
"Well your next patients are either drunks or druggies, so enjoy the silence when it comes."   
  
I walked away, leaving her standing there, extremely furious at me. Oh well. That's the way the ball rolls. She needs to do her job. And since I"m her supervisor, she's under my watch, my care, my responsibility. More like a burden. But she better get her act together, or else she's quickly going to hightail it out of here. County's not for socialization or patient-doctor interaction. It's about treating the millions that come through these doors, knowing that you'll probably never see them again. 


	9. coming to terms

Authors Note: Hey guys, I'm sorry if we are making Carter to mean. We will try and soften him up, it is not that Carter didnt care about the patient, he just saw a simple injury not one that needed to be dealt with over prolonged periods of time, he wants to be time efficent and also so a good job. ANyways heres the next chapter thanks for reviewing. This one is from me!  
  
~*~  
  
Its official, yes folks it is officially I HATE JOHN CARTER DAY, here at county general. I hate him, with a passion. He has the nerve to pull me out of a patients room because I'm going 'too slow.' SORRY if I'm worried about patient care, this guy is the next Romano I'm telling you. Everyone seems to like him though, Carter not Romano. I set my chart down at admit, glancing up at the clock. "Hey mom." I look over and there stands Bryce, in his black bubble winter jacket, his jeans still sagging of course, and a black toque on his head. Carter stood beside him also in his coat. "Hey-" I hesitate.  
  
"Can I go out for lunch with Carter?" He asks casually. Carter smiles at me. This new bond they have freaks me out. I wonder if Carter has friends his own age? Bryce does follow him around the hospital, he even blew off one of his "thug" friends that I don't like so he could hang out with Carter. "Uh- I don't know." I answer, looking at Bryce's fade from excited to angry. "You always wreck everything." He pouts stomping off to the lounge. Carter feigns innocence. "I-I" He starts.   
  
"Whatever Carter, I don't care."   
  
"Look, just cause you don't like me, and I don't like you doesn't mean Bryce can not hang out with me on the odd occasion. I am not a bad person you know that, we just do not get along, you and I, our personalities do not match okay?" He preached. I pondered this, and excused myself from Carter walking into the lounge, to see my 10 year old flipping through a car magazine, Carter must have bought him that. "Hi, yah." I say, sitting down at his feet, as he lies across the couch. He swings his feet over the couch either to give me more room, or to move further away from me. "Where'd you get the magazine." I inquire, doing my best to make small talk. "Carter." He mumbles.   
  
"Oh...Look Bryce, I don't want you to be mad at me." I start.  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"Bryce, look at me." I order, he puts the magazine on his lap then gives me a cold stare. "Wipe that look off your face young man. You may be mad at me but I am still your mother, and those 29 hours of hard labour have to mean something to you, so show me some respect." I gripe. "You, can go with Carter." His face lights up immediately. "But... We are going to go home and talk and sort our relationship issues out tonight okay?" I bargain. He looks a little disappointed by the But, he still seems to happy about getting to spend time with John. We get up and leave the lounge, Carter standing and talking to Pratt about something, I can tell its not about a patient, and as soon as Pratt sees us exit the lounge, Carter and him act like nothing was going on. I ignore this and Bryce and I walk towards them. "So?" Carter pushes.  
  
"He can go but he has to be back in an hour to finish his homework."   
  
"Sounds like a deal, lets go kid." Carter says tossing his arm around Bryce's shoulders as they walk out of the hospital together. I watched as they disappeared out into the cold November day. Bryce's birthday was in a week, and I told him if he moved all his marks from C's to B's he could have a party, I was hoping he didn't ask me if Carter could come, if he did that, I would invite, Sam and Luka as well as Susan and maybe a few other work people. "Abby, are you an ornament? or Doctor?" Weaver yammered.  
  
"Doctor," I replied bitterly.   
  
"THEN GET TO WORK!" She hollered, I bit down on my bottom lip and walked over to my next patient. Flipping open the chart. "Hey" Pratt said entering the exam room and flipping open the chart of the patient next to mine. "So...You hate Carter huh?" He chuckles. "He's a jerk."   
  
"Yeah, you guys are going to end up together." He huffed.  
  
"What?" I said smacking the chart down and into the folder on the end of the bed.  
  
"Oh, come on Abby, its bound to happen, you guys are totally in love with each other, you knew it from the beginning, the moment you saw each other there were sparks, you just got off on the wrong foot. And now, you think you hate each other, but its hate masked with love." Pratt grinned. Who did this guy think he was? I do not love Carter, he does not love me. No sparks. No nothing. Just hate, lots and lots of hate. Uncontrollable , passion filled hate, I can't bare the sight of him. He disgusts me. We can't even have a normal conversation, with out one of us being rude, or blowing up at the other person. I hate him so much sometimes I think about how much I hate him, I will spend hours thinking about what a jerk he was that day, how he makes a point to be an ass....I get faint, and feel flushed, I stop dead in my tracks and drop the chart in my hands. Gallant turns and looks at me. I realize something I love John carter. It may not be love, not yet, but it is something. I am disgusted with myself. I can't believe I like him. It might not even be like, you know what it is nothing, I just, I just think it is noble of him to spend time with my son, who is somewhat not tameable, that's it, I still hate him I just think it is good of him to spend time with Bryce. "Hey have you seen Carter?" Neela asks me bringing me out of my thoughts. "No? What? Why? Why would you ask me that?" I stammer.  
  
"He's chief resident and your a resident." She explained, looking weird at me.   
  
Oh god, I like John Carter. This is bad I have get over him. I can't believe I like John Carter. 


	10. finding out the truth?

Authors Note- Okay guys, here's chapter 10, written by Abby Lockhart 2, we're in the beginning steps of teh relationship so here you go...  
  
~*~  
  
Bryce and I walked into the diner and sat down across from each other. The waitress came around, the same blonde that seemed to live there, and took our orders. I was in the mood for a cheeseburger with fries and just a big soda. Bryce was too, since he ordered the same thing I did. She brought our sodas quickly, and we both swapped drinks, a type of ritual we've both gotten into. I don't even know when it started. I saw him looking out the window toward the ER, he had this strange expression on his face.   
  
"So, your birthday's coming up."   
  
He looked back at me and smiled, nodding his head intently.  
  
"Mom said I could have a party if I brought my grades up."   
  
He better have pulled his grades up after all those study sessions we had.   
  
"And have you?"  
  
I saw the smile breaking through.  
  
"Yeah. I got 2 A's and the rest of them are B's."   
  
I was so proud of him. He was really a smart kid.   
  
"Congratulations."   
  
He nodded his head in happiness. Our food arrived a few seconds later and we casually chatted about the importance of having history as a part of the curriculum. I hated dates. I really wasn't great with them, and obviously neither was he, since neither one of us could name the year that the Mayflower hit Plymouth Rock. Pointless history. I gave in. It was pointless. Who cared about the past, I only looked toward the future. I finished the rest of my fries, and I also noticed he was growing a bit fidgety.   
  
"Bryce, what's wrong?"   
  
I watched him shake his head.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
I rolled my head around my neck, cracking it. I looked back at him.   
  
"You know I'm always here if you need someone to talk to."   
  
I saw him give me a smile, and I figured he was okay, except he was gearing up to ask something, he just couldn't get the words out.   
  
"Umm.. Doctor Carter . . . "   
  
I looked at him, trying to be casual, not to scare him into not saying anything, but I was also really curious about what he was going ask, since in the short time that I've known him, I've grown really close to him, much closer than I have to anyone before. And it was a great feeling. I genuinely cared for this boy.   
  
"Yup?"  
  
I sounded like a puppy. I wanted to laugh at myself. At least that eased the tension for a second.  
  
"Are you, uhh... "  
  
I was growing a bit worried now, since he was usually very open and said almost anything that came to mind.  
  
"Am I what, Bryce?"  
  
I looked at him, playing with my cup, trying to make him stop talking.  
  
"Are you gonna go out with my mom?"   
  
I breathed a sigh of relief, and actually laughed a bit. Bryce didn't find this too funny. Where did kids get these silly ideas? I hated the woman. Detested her. Okay maybe I was being a little extreme. But we could barely stand in the same room together without wanting to kill each other. Although I never avoided standing in the same room with her. What was I thinking? God I needed to shut up right now.   
  
"I don't think so Bryce. You know we don't like each other."  
  
I saw the dejected look on his face. He had probably had a lot riding on this. I don't exactly understand why. I needed something to cheer him up.   
  
"You want ice-cream?"   
  
I saw him shake his head no in response. So maybe I had destroyed him more than I had thought. He had never turned down ice cream before. I looked at him, he was leaning down on the table, his head lying on his arm. He had that same pouty face on that his mother had. It drove him insane.   
  
"Listen to me, Bryce, I know you love your mother very much, but love is a complicated thing, and it's just never going to happen between the two of us. But that doesn't mean that I have to stop being friends with you and hanging out with you, okay?"  
  
I saw the slight look of acceptance of the situation from him. I mean I'm not going to put all his hopes up, we'd never happen. Right? I mean she's smart, determined, beautiful, but she's also stubborn and annoying, and she can really drive someone up a wall. I didn't need her, or anyone like her in my life . . . ? I pulled out my wallet to pay the bill and started to get out of the booth, Bryce right behind me. We walked in silence toward the ER, and when we got there, we were greeted by who else but Dr. Lockhart, and she didn't look too happy. Bryce ran ahead of me, rushing past her, without saying anything to either one of us. I was heading after him, when I felt her cut in front of me, blocking my way.   
  
"Would you just stay away from him, haven't you done enough damage for one day?"   
  
I haven't done anything. It was all you. You're the one who took away his father figure away from him. You're the one who couldn't get your act together. So of course you can't blame yourself, and Bryce did nothing, so of course you're going to blame me. But being the person I am, I didn't say any of this to her. I just gave her this glare that probably said it all and more, with few curses in there for good measure. I walked away heading to the desk, grabbing a chart, and throwing my coat on the chair by the printer. 


	11. realizations

Authors Note- Sorry this chapter took so long to get up guys, there was a little bit of changing things around and throwing out new ideas and recycling old ones, any ways its finally here...thanks to everyone who reviewed and just to everyone who is reading it!  
  
"Rough day?" A kind voice asks. I look to my left and see Susan hunched over a clipboard, looking bored and tired. "I guess you could say that." I offer her a tight smile, and walk out of the lounge. Making my way to the clock to punch out for that day. "You off too?" I look up and see Carter hovering over me, dark circles under his eyes. He looks worn. Probably no more then I do though. "Yeah, heading home for the day." I offer him the same smile I gave to Susan earlier. I punch my card in walking away from him. I can feel him on my heels, following me out. I make my way out to the ambulance bay stopping to look at him. "Going to the EL?"  
  
"Yep." I wait for him as he catches up to me. We walk side by side, the first time we ever willingly spend time alone together. "How's Bryce?"  
  
"Um...Great, actually. Brought his report card home. He got A's!" I exclaim excitedly. "Good! He's a good kid. You've done a good job." He compliments.  
  
"I just want to um... I just wanted to say thank you for uh- for um- helping Bryce all those times. You know with studying, and just hanging out. He um- he really... he really likes you John. So thanks you were the father...I guess you are like a father to him." I stammer. He looks down at me, touched. Like what I said meant something to him, this touches me, makes me feel good. "Don't mean to freak you out with the whole father thing." I cringe.  
  
"Don't worry, Bryce is like the son I never had. I always wanted a child, and uh- I haven't had one yet..." He smiles and leans in closer to me when he says this. "But...If I was to have a son I'd want him to be like Bryce yah know? He's just a great kid. He's going to be a great adult." We walk up the EL stairs together in silence after this. We have never spent this long together without arguing or shooting dirty looks. I find that I like him, as a person. I do not like him as a boss. He is a good doctor, but he acts like a jerk towards me. More yelling then teaching, I want to bring this up but I do not want to wreck the somewhat nice moment we are having. "So where do you live?" I ask.  
  
"Uh- Over on 89th." He hesitates.  
  
"89th, that big-"  
  
"Rich neighbour hood." He stifles a laugh.  
  
"Wow!"  
  
"Yeah, Gamma, she uh- my Gamma died earlier this year, and um" he has trouble finishing this sentence I can tell his Gamma meant a lot to him. "I am uh- keeping the house for a while. I want to sell it move back into my own place."   
  
"So your the rich foundation Carter aren't you?" I push.  
  
"Yep that would be me."   
  
We both put our passes into the slots and grab them on the other sides. The train pulls into the station just as we get there. "What's your stop again?" He asks.  
  
"Main and Hollander."   
  
"Hey me too!"   
  
"I thought you live in the rich neighbour hood."   
  
"Well I do, but tonight I am staying at my old place. I miss the quiet. No cooks or anything there." I nod, not really understanding, but I nod in agreement anyways.  
  
We board the train and both sit down next to each other. We ride in silence not having much to say to the other. I am anxious to get home and check on Bryce, I asked the neighbours to sit with him, but they often leave and go into their own place. Who can blame them it is midnight. I get up as the train comes to a stop, Carter stands behind me. I want to like him but I am afraid that he will turn around and be a complete dick tomorrow at work, I am very hesitant in trusting him. We walk out of the train and stand face to face. "I'll see you tomorrow." I wave.  
  
"Wait you're going walk to your place by yourself?" He cocks his eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah I'm pretty sure I'm capable of it." I scoff.   
  
"It's late I'll walk you." I try to tell him that I would rather he not, but he walks ahead of me. I jog a little to catch up. I am suddenly sensing some resurfacing feelings for Carter. The feelings I felt not to long ago. But before I start to let myself feel anything I know I have to confront him on his attitude toward me. "Uh- Carter."  
  
"Yeah." He says briskly, as though him walking me home is a favour or obligation.   
  
"Why- why are you such an..." I struggle to find the word. He stops and looks at me, trying to persuade me to finish. "Why are you such a dick to me at work?" I say firmly and confidently. He rolls his eyes at me. "I'm not a dick." He picks the pace up again.  
  
"No- well you- you pick on me more then you do other residents. Even more then you do Pratt which is pretty hard to believe." I yell.  
  
"Well...You should just deal with it. Not everyone is going to treat you like the princess you think you are!" He screeches.  
  
"That has nothing to do with it and you know it."   
  
"Yeah if you are such an expert on what I feel and think then what is it?"   
  
"I DON'T KNOW!"   
  
"I don't pick on you." He says evenly.  
  
"Yes you do...I just want to know why!" I beg.  
  
"Because- Because your different, your smarter, and prettier and you- you have more potential then Pratt, or the others. I just want- I like you okay." I look at him stunned. He   
  
looks at me the same way, like he is shocked he would ever say that.   
  
"I gotta go, this is your place right?" He asks not making eye contact.  
  
"Uh- Yeah." I stutter. I see him turn around and walk in the direction we came in. I can not believe that just happened. I bet he treats me the same way tomorrow. I don't even know if what he says is true. 


	12. Just say it!

~*~  
  
I was overworked and definitely underpaid. I don't get enough for doing this. I dropped off my latest patient, a 16-year-old hypochondriac on ecstasy. Not a good mix. I was walking toward the suture room, where I had left a med student unattended for a period of 10 minutes. Last time I did that, the student panicked and sewed her glove into the stitches. Thank god the guy was drunk and passed out. That could have turned into a million-dollar lawsuit. I was looking up, and then I saw her. My body jerked into the side hallway and I took a different route to the room. No, I was not avoiding her. I mean I didn't have a reason to be. I heard my name being called. I snapped out of my list of, no they were not excuses . . .   
  
"Carter!!!"   
  
I whipped around to face Susan, who didn't look too pleased.   
  
"What's up?"  
  
She joined me in my walk toward the room.   
  
"I've been getting some complaints about you."  
  
I gave her my usual I don't give a damn stare.   
  
"Really, you've got to lighten up on the med students. They're here to learn."   
  
I know that but when they start using humans as science experiments I think it's about time to say something.   
  
"When they don't endanger a patient's life."   
  
I heard her groan a little. I liked to be a bit difficult from time to time.   
  
"And ease up on the residents as well. They know what their doing, and their doing it practically for free."  
  
Yeah, I remember. I was a resident for a few years.   
  
"Okay . . . "  
  
She looked at me. It was getting annoying.  
  
"Learn how to play nicely."  
  
I always played nicely. What was she talking about?  
  
"I always do."   
  
I heard her laugh and mutter a whatever. I walked into the room, and saw that our suture victim actually looked good. So maybe not all these med students were a pain in the butt. I signed the discharge orders and told the student to tell the woman to come back in five to seven days.   
  
I exited that room and headed back to the board to cross her name off the list. Strangely enough most of the patients up there were either waiting for a consult or admitted to a department. Means break time for me. I need a strong cup of coffee if I'm going to make it through the day. I headed toward the lounge. I loved the swing door. It was fun, unless you were standing behind it and managed to get hit with it. I walked in, and found Dr. Lockhart sitting at the table, reading a newspaper, and drinking her coffee. She probably hadn't started her shift yet, since her hair was still down, and well, she looked amazing. But of course, she didn't acknowledge my presence. I wondered if Bryce was here today. I wanted to ask him if he felt like playing some baseball or basketball this weekend. Trying to get out of the house.   
  
"Where's Bryce?"  
  
I saw her look up at me, but I could only see half of her face because of the paper.   
  
"He's with Sam and Alex. They're going to Cubs game."   
  
I nodded my head as I poured my cup of coffee. It was fresh. Finally. Caffeine.   
  
I could feel her gaze on my back. It's a habit I picked up. I can feel when people look at me. I spun around, and sure enough, the paper was down and she was looking straight at me.   
  
"What?"   
  
She gave me a small smirk.  
  
"You are so unique, you know that?"  
  
Unique? Was that the best word to describe me?  
  
"Thanks . . . "  
  
My tone was somewhat sarcastic but I realized she had a tint of makeup on, probably not working trauma today, and she looked breathtaking. I was starring. I knew I was starring. It was getting hard not to.   
  
"You're starring."  
  
She said it so monotone. Sort of angrily.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
She rolled her eyes. And then she pouted. She cocked her head to the side and a few strands fell over her face and she brushed them behind her ears.   
  
"Did . . . Did you mean what you said last night?"   
  
Why the hell did I know that this was going to happen?  
  
I began to suck on my bottom lip. Another annoying habit. What was I supposed to tell her? That she drove me crazy, down two different roads? I wanted to yell at her, scream at her for not doing her job, for taking too long, for not doing what she was supposed to. And then there was the other road that made my heart skip a beat, I don't know what to say. I mean I've been in love before, but never like this. This feeling. It was great, yet creepy and scary at the same time.   
  
I didn't say anything. I just didn't know how the hell to tell this woman that I've hated for weeks that I actually like her. Much less love her. I barely know her. She was looking at me, frustration growing in her eyes. I just didn't know what to do. So I just turned around and headed toward the door, cup of coffee in hand. But then again, this might be my one and only chance to tell her without having to scream it at her in anger or something. That's not always a good scene. I opened the door. I wanted to stop and say yes, and another part of me told me to walk through that damn door.   
  
"Yeah. I did."  
  
I said it. There I said it. No more. I quickly rushed out the door and didn't turn back. I cannot believe I just did that. That's absurd. I hope I did the right thing. Sometimes the best thing to do is follow the heart. I walked toward the desk, grabbed a chart, and started my game of avoiding Abby all over again. 


	13. sleeping over

~*~  
  
"Mom...It's work!"   
  
"What?" I am cleaning up from dinner, we had spaghetti, today is Bryce's tenth birthday he is very excited as am I. I got him the X Box that he wanted, and Saturday we are having a birthday party and an arcade type place for young boys. I walked to his bedroom where he is setting up the X Box system. "What's work Bryce?" He looks up from his television.   
  
"Phone." I grab for the phone  
  
"Hello."  
  
"Hey Abby its Susan we need you to come in."  
  
"I'm off today." I protest.  
  
"I know, I'm sorry! But we have everyone in. Carter just got off a 48 hour shift we need you!" She argued back.  
  
"I have no one to watch Bryce and I can't bring him in its 9:00 at night he has school tomorrow."   
  
"Abby, I really can't talk about this now. A trauma is coming in now, I need to go. We need you in here ASAP!" I hung the phone up and Bryce looked up at me with pleading eyes. "I'm sorry."   
  
"Its okay mom. We had a good night together." he smiles reassuringly.   
  
"Who am I going to get to watch you on such short notice?"   
  
"Carter!" His eyes widen  
  
"Bryce...He just got off a 48 hour shift I can't ask that of him." He slouches down on his bed looking defeated. "I'll call Sam!" I decide. I dial her number it rings many times, no one answering. "Maybe she's at work for another hour or so." Bryce suggests.  
  
I dial work "Hello?" Frank huffs.  
  
"Hey Frank its Abby."   
  
"Hold on." I hear him say. I can hear him arguing with someone about something.  
  
"Hello?"   
  
"Carter?" I ask puzzled.  
  
"Hey Abby What's up?" He asks chirpy.  
  
"Is Sam and Luka working?"  
  
"Yeah Why?"   
  
"Oh I just need someone to watch Bryce, I'll have to call the neighbours."   
  
"Don't worry I'll do it." He offers.  
  
"Are you sure?"   
  
"Yeah. I like the kid, I'll just sleep on the couch."  
  
"No you can take the bed. I've got to go thanks Carter."  
  
"I'll come now." I hang up and Bryce gets really excited!  
  
-----------------  
  
I run towards the door in my scrubs, grabbing my purse. "Hey John!" I smile.  
  
He looks tired, his hair is matted down and he has dark bags under his eyes. "hi." he responds. "Thanks for doing this. I should be back by 8. He just has cereal for breakfast and you can sleep in my room."   
  
"No I'll take the couch."  
  
"No I insist." Our eyes lock, "I hate to break the love connection but, I want to show Carter my X Box." Bryce beams. I feel my cheeks turn a light pink shade.   
  
"Bryce come here give me a hug." He walks towards me wrapping his arms around me. "Happy Birthday sweetie, I love you. Listen to Carter. He goes to bed at 9:30." I instruct.   
  
"No problem. Bye." Carter answers.   
  
------------------  
  
"You off?" Sam approached me this charts. I yawn tiredly.   
  
"Yes. You?"   
  
"Yeah. Taking the El?"   
  
"Yeah." I pull the loose hairs out of my face, and walk towards the lounge to gather my stuff. I hope Bryce and Carter ended up okay last night. I know Bryce can be a little excited on his birthday as can any child. I was upset because I didn't get to kiss my now ten year old good night and tuck him into bed on his birthday. It was always our tradition. We also didn't get to play the video game, although I am not very good at video games I would definitely try for my son. I walked out of the hospital clipping my hear up with a clip as I walked through the ambulance bay up to the EL. It was 7:30, Bryce left for school around 7:45, if I was quick I might be able to catch him at the stop. I caught the first EL train grabbing a seat beside a heavy older man. I wondered if Carter would still be at my apartment, he probably left to go home and sleep in his own bed. He looked cute last night with his hair matted. He still frustrates and upsets me from time to time though. It is interesting that he told me he likes me, I have no clue to what extend his feelings go. It could be sexual attraction, which would be fine because I could go for some of that. I think my feelings go deeper then that though, not that he knows that. I have never actually admitted that I have feelings of any kind to him other then pure adulterated hate. The train same to a stop and I realized it was mine. I got up from my seat and headed out to the platform. I scanned the premises for Bryce I could not see him. I looked at my watch 7:40, the EL isn't far from our apartment so maybe he hasn't left yet. I hurry up and head towards my place. I see huddles of kids every where. It makes me nervous I hope Bryce doesn't hang out on street corners like these kids do. "MOM!" I look over from the groups of children I was observing to my son, walking down the street with Carter. Carter looks a little better then he did last night. "Hey kiddo." I say hugging him. "How was last night?" Bryce is smiling widely.   
  
"Oh it was great!" He grins. I look up at Carter who is watching the interaction.  
  
"So he behaved?"   
  
"Yeah. He was great. We played some X Box." At least someone played the game with.   
  
"Hey Matty, wait up." Bryce called to his friend. Matty stopped and waited for Bryce, as he ran to catch up. I liked Matty he was a little geeky but a nice kid over all. I looked at Carter and we started walking back to my apartment. 


	14. The Beginning

Authors Note: Hey...So we are starting into the Carby relationship now, so hold onto your seats!  
  
~*~   
  
I opened the gate for her, and let her in. I needed to get my coat and bag from last night out of her apartment. We walked up the stairs, and she got to her door, waiting for me. I forgot she had given me her key last night just in case of an emergency. I pulled it out of my pocket and opened the door for her. We walked into the apartment, and she switched on the light.   
  
"You have a shift today?"   
  
I nodded my head no in response to her.   
  
"Hang around for some coffee?"   
  
I weighed the option in my head heavily. I liked this woman. We were alone. In an empty apartment. I just didn't want to do anything that I would regret later on. I still didn't know how she felt about me. She probably hated me. But she wasn't acting like it. I finally decided to stay, even though the reasons to leave outweighed the reasons to stay.   
  
"Sure."   
  
I followed her into the kitchen, where the coffee maker just went off, signalling that the coffee was in deed, ready. I grabbed the cups, and she poured. We walked back to the living room, and she grabbed an armchair. I sat on the sofa. So we spent a few minutes drinking our scalding coffee. I burnt my tongue. It hurt. I tend to whine when I'm tired.   
  
"I just wanted to say thanks for staying with Bryce last night..."   
  
I looked up at her.   
  
"No problem. He's a great kid."   
  
She nodded her head. I was looking at her. She gave me this strange look, then started to smile. I started to smile. She started to laugh.   
  
"What?"   
  
She was still laughing. It was so contagious. In between gasps of air, I heard something about "stop looking at me!" I started to laugh. She looked so cute. She looked absolutely adorable.   
  
"Stop laughing! I can't handle it at this hour of the morning."   
  
I was getting a headache. I need about three more hours and three times that in cups of coffee.   
  
I felt a pillow hit me in the head. I looked back at her who was trying to stifle a few laughs. I picked up the pillow playing around with it.   
  
"You think this is funny?"   
  
I saw her nod her head, still stifling her laughter.   
  
"Well yah know what, I don't think it is."   
  
She stopped laughing, and looked at me.   
  
"'Cause I never loose."   
  
She looked at me questioningly. I threw the pillow at her. I heard her scream.   
  
"This means war, Carter!!!"   
  
Her hair was slightly dishevelled from the last pillow. I started to run, she looked a bit too excited about this latest war.   
  
I jogged around the sofa, Abby on my heels. I kept on having to duck those damn pillows. They were heavy, but she was strong too. They hurt like hell if you got hit hard enough. I ran into the dining room, running around the table. We were laughing like morons. I almost slid on the wooden floor. She was hysterical from laughter. I ran through the kitchen door, and that was probably the stupidest thing I could have done, since there was only one way out back into the apartment. She stood in the doorway, smiling this evil little smile. I swear my heart stopped beating.   
  
"You always win, huh?"   
  
Yeah, I always win. But I'm letting you win this time. Only because your Abby.   
  
"99.8% of the time."   
  
She rolled her eyes, still smiling.   
  
"So that makes me that point two percent huh?"   
  
I shook my head.   
  
"You and Bryce. He kicked my ass in X Box last night."   
  
She started laughing.   
  
"Give up?"   
  
I was debating whether to or not. I still had one move I could play. I don't know how well it would go over. But considering the situation, I think it might not be a bad one.   
  
"Who me? Never..."   
  
I headed over to her slowly, she was still standing in the door way. She was still giggling. I don't think she knew what I was going to attempt. I gained a bit of speed and picked her up, throwing her over my shoulder. Didn't I say I always won? After the initial shock wore off, she started to kick and hit. I raced over to the couch and gently threw her down. She was looking at me, still laughing, gasping for air. I knelt down, grabbing a pillow and throwing it at her from about a foot away.   
  
I was still kneeling on the floor and I looked at her, she had begun to sit up. We locked gazes. I could feel my willpower disappearing... 


	15. Intense

Authors Note- Wow we are mad updaters this weekend! This chapter is short but I can assure you the next one is longer and very good too! So keep reading, its getting fluffy!! YAY!  
  
~*~  
  
I looked at him, I could feel this getting more intense. We were both breathing heavily by now, exhausted from our recent fight. I could feel us getting closer but I wasn't sure what was going to happen. He brought his hands close to my face and wiped a strand of hair away. Our eyes locked, our faces merely centimetres apart. I could feel his breath on me and I all the sudden I just wanted to throw him onto the floor and have my way with him, our lips inched closer and closer together so close I could feel them brush together slightly. This kiss was taking for god damn EVER! Couldn't he kiss me for Christ sakes, he seemed to know this was getting to me a small smile was evident on his lips, I took over and leaned my head down kissing him. His lips parted slightly and all the sudden that hellish night at work went away, every worry I had disappeared, he set his hand on the couch lifting his body onto it, but never letting our lips part. I suddenly new that this relationship could be it. Call me crazy after one kiss, but I had never felt like this before not with Richard nor any one else. He slowly pulls away from me, looking me in the eye and smiling, "I- uh should get going you need your sleep." He says cupping my face, I nod and he reluctantly gets up, reaching for my hand and pulls me up we stare at each other for a moment, his hand holding tightly onto mine. We hold each others gaze for a moment, neither wanting to be the first one to say anything. He leans down and our lips brush ever so slightly. He pulls away, and smiles again...Okay I really hate this guy right now he seems to have a thing for taunting me. He moves his mouth along my skin to my ear. "I got to go, I'll see you tomorrow at work." He whispers, he leave me standing in the middle of my living room dumbfounded, I smile to myself and am not sure I can sleep after all the excitement I've already endured today.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"What are you listening to?"   
  
"The pixies."   
  
"Your a Pixies fan?" He cocks his eye brows up in astonishment.  
  
"Yeah- my mom is a HUGE Pixies fan, so you know..." He chuckles a bit.  
  
"They are a good group." I interject. He laughs quietly, and walks to his locker. Bryce fiddles with his pencil, trying to figure out the answer to his math problem, while I finish up with charts. My shift ended twenty minutes ago but I have so much work to do. "Are you coming to my party Luka?" Bryce asks.  
  
"Of course." He grins. He pulls his jacket on, as Bryce watches him. "Do your work Bryce," Luka tells him. Bryce laughs and continues working. He is excited his birthday party is tomorrow, all his school friends are coming, and a few people from the ER were invited also. Carter is coming, I haven't seen him since our encounter three days ago. Bryce told me he was coming though, so I guess I have that to look forward too. And I am. Bryce puts his head phones back on properly and cranks the volume up. He has become much more calm, and relaxed since he met Alex, and well Carter. I really think Carter has been good for him, I am just afraid that if Carter and I don't work out it will hurt Bryce more then either of us. Luka leaves the lounge, and we both continue on what we were doing before, until the door swings open again, Bryce doesn't notice his music is much too loud to notice anything. I look over my shoulder and in walks Carter, he smiles at me, walking towards Bryce and pulling his head phones off his ears. "Carter!" Bryce says happily. "Hey kid." Carter walks over to his locker, putting his coat in, just looking at him makes my heart stop. "Carter your coming to my party tomorrow right?"   
  
"Sure am!" 


	16. Joy and Pain

Authors Note- Okay we are starting tog et into the good stuff...I hope you enjoy, please read and review!  
  
~*~  
  
I started heading up the stairs, but even from the bottom floor I could hear the music playing from upstairs. I trudged my way up the stairs, I was sort of tired, since I had to pull a 36-hour shift, with about six hours of sleep in-between. But I still wanted to come. Bryce meant a lot to me. And even more so now. Abby and I haven't actually talked about what happened, and it seemed like we were avoiding each other. I doubt we are going to be able to do that tonight. Unless the party turns into total chaos, but I doubt that will happen. According to Bryce, it was only supposed to be a few of his friends and some people from the ER. I reached the door, and before I even had enough time to knock, it swung open, and there stood Bryce, a huge smile plastered across his face.   
  
"Dr. Carter!"   
  
I rolled my eyes. I always told him to call me Carter. Hell everyone does anyway. I handed him his gift, a bunch of X Box games that he had mentioned he wanted, but never thought he would get. I ruffled his hair, and went inside with him. The party had definitely started, and everyone was feasting on pizza and chips, soda strewn all around the apartment. He searched around, waving to Luka, Sam, and Susan, who were all huddled in a corner talking. Bryce and his friends were gathered around the TV, racing cars or fighting some aliens, or something. I walked over to Susan and listened to them talk about crazy patients for a while. I was wondering where Abby was, and every so often I would scan the room. Susan must have noticed because she pulled me off to the side.   
  
"Is there something going on between you and Abby?"  
  
I tried to remain cool and calm, because this could only turn into potential gossip.   
  
"No. Why?"  
  
I saw she was looking around the room too.   
  
"I know you guys didn't hit it off, but you did with Bryce. If it's awkward for you two to be together in the same room . . . "  
  
I started to shake my head no, trying not to laugh. She had no clue how run she was. There was an awkwardness between us. Just not the same awkwardness Susan was implying.   
  
"Do you know where she is?"   
  
She looked at me, raising an eyebrow in question.   
  
"I wanted to ask if she needed help with anything."   
  
She nodded her head, probably buying my excuse. Or she wanted to support me trying to be friends with Abby. Susan was clueless.   
  
"I saw her heading into her bedroom with some guy a few minutes ago."   
  
I thanked her, and headed to Abby's bedroom. I don't exactly know why my heart was beating at that minute. I guess because I might have thought she really wasn't in love with me, or if she was just using me. Or so many jumbled thoughts. The door was unlocked and when I had opened the door, a short, blonde man rushed out. Almost knocking me over. I should have gone and given him a damn good piece of my mind. But my attention strained back to Abby. She was leaning on the balcony railing, starring out into space. I walked in slowly, and opened the screen door further. I stood on her balcony with her, looking out at the city. She was wearing only a sweater, so I took my jacket off and draped it over her shoulders, my arm around her for added warmth. Or comfort.   
  
"Are you okay?"   
  
I saw her nod her head, but she slowly began to lean into me, her head resting against my chest, her breathing heavy and laboured. I ran my hands over her back, just trying to comfort her. It killed me to see her like this. She seemed so strong to me before. She finally managed to look up at me, and I reached to wipe away the tear that had begun to fall.   
  
"My . . . my ex husband . . . He wants . . . He wants Bryce . . . "   
  
I pushed her bangs away from her face. Anything to stop her from crying.   
  
"But he can't. You have custody, right?"   
  
Abby loved him more than anything else in this world.   
  
"Yeah . . . But only because Richard agreed to it. He could take him away from me . . . "  
  
I shook my head.   
  
"No. He couldn't."   
  
She leaned back into me, and I kept on rubbing her back. She had stopped crying, but was still shaking. I kissed her gently on the forehead. She looked back up at me, giving me a small smile. Which had probably taken more effort than anything. I leaned down, looking into her deep chocolate eyes, giving her another kiss. I felt my head tilting to the left, meeting her lips. A shock of electricity shot through me, and our kiss just kept on deepening. I wouldn't be able to pull away if I tried. Her hands were running up and down my chest, she was driving me insane.   
  
We both broke away when we heard the screen door slam. Bryce stood looking at the both of us, smiling more than ever.   
  
"I was gonna ask you if we could open presents, but I already got what I wanted."  
  
I pretended to look out at the city, since I was turning cherry red, and Abby probably was the same. It's not every day that you get caught making out by your preteen son. And then he just manages to support it. I saw Abby's hand leaning out to hit him, and she started to laugh. She grabbed my hand and interlocked her fingers in it.   
  
"Come on, boys, let's go."   
  
Bryce stopped as soon as he got inside the screen door, and Abby bumped into him, and I bumped into her. That whole chain reaction thing.   
  
"Just make me a promise?"  
  
I just looked at Abby and she gave me this questioning look.   
  
"What's up?"   
  
Bryce looked at the both us, completely serious.   
  
"When you guys are having wild and crazy sex in the middle of the night, try to keep it down."   
  
I saw Abby's mouth dropping open, forming in a small smile. She spanked him, him running away from her. I just started laughing. Where do kids learn all this these days? She grabbed him by his shoulders, and gave him a kiss on the cheek.   
  
"I love you, you know that?"  
  
I watched them smile at each other.   
  
"Yeah, mom, I love ya too!"   
  
I suddenly felt like interjecting something, cause I was feeling a bit left out.   
  
"And what am I? Chopped liver?"   
  
Okay, so it was probably equivalent to the response a five-year-old might make, but hey, I was improvising.   
  
"Love ya too, Carter."   
  
I laughed a bit.   
  
"Thank you Bryce."   
  
Abby was laughing. She gave us that head nod and we began to walk toward her.   
  
"Bryce, we'll be out in a minute. And no comment from you."   
  
I saw Bryce with that evil little twinkle in his eye. He left and Abby shut the door.   
  
"Please don't let Bryce know about any of this. He was disappointed enough that Richard forgot about his birthday."   
  
I nodded my head, and I grabbed her hands.  
  
"We're gonna be okay."   
  
I saw her look at me, probably unconvinced, but probably half in shock as well. Since when were 'we' an official 'we'? Does that make any sense?   
  
"Come on, let's get out there before Bryce does some real damage."   
  
I nodded my head, and she was about to let go of my hand, when she must have decided against it, since she gripped onto it even more.   
  
"Are you sure?"   
  
I didn't know how right the timing would be, and how everything would work out. The timing seemed to suck.   
  
"Yeah."   
  
I smiled at her. So maybe it wouldn't be such a bad party after all. 


	17. Questions

Authors Note- The after math of Bryce's B-Day Party! lol just take a read, and review please THANKS!!!!!!!!!  
  
~*~  
  
"Alex we're going now!"  
  
"Mom, come on..." he protests. I laugh, this has been a great party. Despite our uninvited visitor. Lucky for me Bryce did not see him. I don't want Bryce to know what is going on. It would probably rip him to pieces. Luka stands at the door waiting for Alex and Sam. "I'll see you tomorrow Alex!" Bryce called after as him, as he was ushered out the door by his parents. Carter continued to wash the dishes, and load, the dishes that will fit, into the dish washer. "Bryce go help Carter." I tell him as I flick off the television. he moans but goes anyways. I walk into the living room and clean it up. The Dixie Chicks, If I fall you're going down with me, plays on the radio. "So how long has this been going on?" Bryce calls looking at Carter then at me. "Bryce finish up there then go to bed." I instruct. He rolls his eyes at me. Folding the towel up and placing it on the counter. "Fine, I was just asking so I won't be surprised when Dr. Carter is in your bed tomorrow."   
  
"Bed NOW!" I say pointing towards his room. Carter and Bryce both laugh, as Bryce trots off to bed. I walk towards Carter a little tired. "How are you?" He asks as I pick up Bryce's neatly folded towel. "I'm okay." I sigh.  
  
"I thought Richard didn't want anything to do with you or Bryce." He says facing me.  
  
"Yeah, so did I." I sit down at the table and he follows. "He has a new girlfriend, or wife I don't know what she is, and uh- they are pregnant. They probably want practise raising a kid. You know Bryce could be their little experiment." I laugh bitterly. Wiping the tears from my eyes that are daring to fall. "So he's uh- taking you to court."   
  
"I don't know. I am seeing my lawyer Monday."   
  
"Well don't worry yet. Everything could be okay." He smiles sweetly at me, which makes me smile. I stand up and pick up the last few things that are scattered around my kitchen. He watches me intently. "Abby, just stay strong." He tells me.   
  
"I just don't understand how this man could miss his own sons birthday, and the last five years of his life and all the sudden want him to live with him!" I say angrily. "I mean you love Bryce more then that stupid man does." I say setting a bottle of pop down on the counter. I lean up against the counter, not wanting to break down in front of Carter. I suddenly feel him move closer to me and wrap me in his arms around me, pulling me close. I snuggled up closer to him resting my head on his chest, he rubbed my back in circles, I was feeling very comfortable right now. I knew this could go further, like to my bedroom further. But I do not want that right now. He kissed me softly on the forehead. Neither of us wanting to be the one that pulled away, "The bedrooms over there guys." I heard Bryce say walking into the kitchen. I reluctantly pulled away from Carter and looked at him. "Bryce bed NOW!" I ordered again. He held up his hands, surrendering   
  
Carter laughed at us, I slapped him playfully on the chest. "Okay, but just remember I would like to eat breakfast at the table tomorrow..."  
  
"SHUT UP!" We yell in unison. He walks away laughing at us, he stops poking his head around the wall. "I want a baby brother for Christmas."   
  
"Bed!" I holler at him.   
  
Carter looks at me still laughing. "He's such a great kid." I hug him, he hugs me back. I can not believe I hated this man at one point. Wait yes I can he was a jerk to me when we first met. I have wondered about that since he admitted his feelings to me. I pull out of our hug. "Why were you such an ass when we first met." This seems to have caught him off guard because he takes a step back. "Uh-, What?" He asks a little puzzled. "I thought all that stuff was behind us?" He says rubbing his forehead.   
  
"Well we never really dealt with it so its hard to put it behind us." I said matter-of-factly.  
  
"I guess I wanted you to work up to your capabilities." He answers still a little shocked. I smile at him, I am not upset with him about this, I was just curious, but this seems to have hit him a little harder then intended. I move closer to him and he takes a step back. "Carter I was just asking, no hard feelings." I say reaching out to him.   
  
"I just don't know why you would bring it up at that moment." He says a little pissed.  
  
"Carter...I didn't mean anything by it."   
  
"Yeah, well I better get going." He moves towards the door picking up his jacket.   
  
"John, what is this all about?" I say following him.  
  
"I don't know your the one who brought it up." He starts to get defensive.   
  
"Carter I was just asking, you know to make sure we were good. That our past doesn't impact our future negatively. Although it seems to have." I say trying not to raise my voice. "Look Abby, I really care about you and Bryce, and at the beginning when I first met you, I don't know we just didn't get along, I didn't take the chance to get to know you. I don't believe you took the chance to get to know me either but we're past all that now, and I- I really, really like you and don't want that to wreck what we have now." He turns and leaves. This hits me hard, he is just...WOW! 


	18. Answers

~*~  
  
I walk into the ER, probably looking worse than I had left last night. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep. And it was completely evident. I walked into the ER, hoping to explain to Abby why I had reacted the way I did. I just kept on thinking about it all. Her, and Bryce. And just everything. I've never felt like this about anyone. It's a great feeling and a scary feeling at the same time. It was so complicated. I could never explain to her how I felt about her. I wish I could because it would probably make everything a lot easier. I walk into the lounge, and find her and Bryce sitting at the table, discussing something. I felt the awkwardness as soon as I walked in, but I still tried to play it calm, for Bryce's sake. I threw my stuff into my locker, and headed over to the table.   
  
"Bryce, can you give me and your mother a minute?"   
  
He looked up at me and gave me that crazy little smile.   
  
"Would you like me to lock the do.."  
  
We both cut him off at the same time.   
  
"Bryce, go."   
  
Our voices probably came out a bit more harsh than we had originally intended, and he noticed it too. He looked at me and gave me this little snicker. I would have to talk to him later. To explain this all. But right now I needed to talk to Abby. I watched the door shut and I started to pace a little.   
  
"Abby, I'm sorry."  
  
She looked up at me, giving me this gaze that said 'I knew you weren't gonna hang around'.  
  
"I'm sorry for leaving last night. I shouldn't have. It's just . . . I don't know... It's so hard to explain.."   
  
I saw her relax a little, but she was still sitting on the edge of her seat.   
  
"I mean, I'm drawn to you. I can't stop thinking about you. And I don't know why I acted the way I did. Maybe it's because I knew I would end up falling in love with you, and I didn't want to get hurt . . . "  
  
I kept on rambling. I couldn't stop. When I start, it's a war to stop me.   
  
"You . . . You are just so amazing, and beautiful . . . and smart . . . and I never thought I even had a chance . . . But I know why I left last night. I was scared. I was scared of losing you. Of doing something wrong. Of hurting you . . . And I guess I messed everything up by leaving . . . "   
  
Okay. I was done. That was unbelievably draining. And painful. And hard. But it felt so right. I felt her hand on my shoulder, and she moved around until she was in front of me. Her other hand was gently grazing my cheek.   
  
"You are remarkable."   
  
I felt her kiss me, gently at first, then it got a bit stronger. That was all that was going to happen, for a good while. We both knew it. We also wanted each other. But it would be better if we took it slowly. I returned her kiss, my hands roaming. Okay so this was going a bit farther than we had both expected. She suddenly broke off the kiss, and straightened herself. She bit her bottom lip seductively, and gave me a small smile. My heart melted. Take me and do whatever you would like.   
  
"Come over for dinner . . . "  
  
I smiled. She was so cute.   
  
"Only if you let me help you cook."   
  
She looked at me, trying not to laugh.   
  
"What?"  
  
I thought it was funny that she was laughing, but I didn't really understand why.  
  
"You and the word cook in the same sentence."  
  
I rolled my eyes at her, I needed a good comeback.   
  
"Who said anything about food?"   
  
She smiled again, and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.   
  
"Can you go talk to Bryce?"   
  
I nodded my head. That was on my list of things to do before I clocked in. I wondered where he went. I started out of the lounge, avoiding Susan's glances. I know I probably had the biggest grin on my face, but that could be from anything. She didn't wear lipstick, so I didn't have to worry about having some bright red lips on my cheeks. Or neck. Or wherever. Why did I have a feeling that this would turn into a huge gossip fest within the next three minutes? I checked the bay, and didn't see him there, so I headed up to the other place he might be: the roof.   
  
I swung the door open, and sure enough, there he stood. He was looking over the edge at the people walking below.   
  
"Hey."  
  
He didn't respond for a while, and then he just looked at me.   
  
"What happened?"   
  
I looked out over the edge, and then back at him.   
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
He gave me one of those looks, and rolled his eyes. The same way Abby does.   
  
"With you... And my mom . . . This morning?"  
  
I sighed a bit, silently thankful that he was asking about Abby. Not about why Richard had been there yesterday. I doubt Bryce even saw him.   
  
"Nothing . . . "   
  
I saw him begin to move a bit away from me.   
  
"You're lying."   
  
I started toward him.   
  
"Bryce . . . "   
  
He looked at me.   
  
"No . . . My mom has been through enough. If . . . If you're just gonna leave her . . . Or hurt her . . . I just. I love her. And I don't want to see her like she was with dad."   
  
I knew he was a bit protective of Abby. And he had reason to be. I mean she was such an extraordinary woman, but she needed that sense of comfort once in a while. And it had been just the two of them for a while. And Bryce had been hurt by Richard. But that didn't change the way I feel for her, or for him.   
  
"Bryce. Listen to me."   
  
He had been trying to get away from me, quickly walking around on the roof. He finally stopped and I moved closer to him.   
  
"What?"  
  
He sort of shot it out at me. Bitter and cold.   
  
"I'm not going to hurt her. I promise. I love her, and you, too much to do that."   
  
He looked at me, and rolled his eyes again. He was trying to be strong, but I knew he was breaking down inside.   
  
"That's the same thing dad said."   
  
I wanted to take away all the pain Bryce was feeling right now. I'd rather feel it than have an innocent little ten year old go through it. If there was anything in the world I could do, I would have. I walked closer to him, cornering him on the roof. I wanted to scream at him that I wasn't like Richard. That I wouldn't leave him. That I would never hurt him, or Abby.   
  
I placed his hand on Bryce's shoulder, sort of forcing him to look up at me.   
  
"I'm not going to leave."   
  
I saw him trying to believe me, then sort of forcing himself to believe me.   
  
"You promise?"   
  
I saw a slight smile breaking though. I reached up and ruffled his hair.   
  
"Yeah, I do."   
  
I reached in, and he gave me a hug, and I just sort made him a silent promise, that everything would be okay. I would make sure it would all be okay.   
  
"So . . . Did you and mom have a...."  
  
I gave him that death stare. Enough. I am not talking about my nonexistent sex life with his mother to him.   
  
"Come on kiddo, let's get back inside. It's freezing." 


	19. my helping hand

Authors Note- A short little chapter that sort of pushes the whole Richard ordeal a little further. Take a read tell us what you think...you can even guess what you think will happen, or want to happen with the custody case. Also tell us how you think we're doing on the Carby relationship.  
  
Sorry that we haven't updated in like 3 days, my bad...I've had somewhat of a crazy past couple of days but I'll make it up to you by posting at least one more chapter today and hopefully another one tomorrow!   
  
~*~   
  
"Oh...I'm going to win!" I hear Bryce shriek in delight.  
  
"No you don't-"  
  
"Ah...HAHA! I won!" Bryce gets up and does a little victory dance around Carter, who laughs. "I'm going to help your mom." He says walking over to help me, little does he know I've already finished. "Need help?" He asks sitting down at the table. Way to help Carter. What a guy. "Just serve your plate and we will start to eat." I smile at him. Bryce walks over to us smiling. "Don't even." I say before he can make another one of his remarks. He just laughs, as I hand him his dinner. "Next time I say we have pizza." He says taking a bite of Chicken. "Quit complaining and eat up." Carter says sitting next to him. They both start to eat and I sit across from Bryce. "So when's the wedding?" Bryce asks looking at us both.   
  
"We're already married." Carter jokes. Bryce laughs at his comments. I hear a noise at the door so I turn my head, Carter notices this and looks towards the door also. Then someone knocks, which is weird because they usually have to buzz up. "I'll get it." I say walking towards the door. I open it up and see Richard standing in front of me.   
  
"Richard." I say shocked and frightened.  
  
"Where's Bryce?" He spits bitterly.   
  
"We're eating Richard!" I say as confident as possible. He tries to look in the apartment, but I shut the door. He stops it with his foot opening it up. He sees Carter and gets angry. "Whose he Bryce's replacement dad?" He yells.  
  
"Richard get out. We can discuss this another time!" I say firmly trying to push him out of my apartment. "I will get custody of Bryce I promise you that." He says looking at me.   
  
"No you won't! You don't want him. You just want to hurt me, so get the hell out of my apartment." I screech near tears. Carter walks over, "Hey, why don't you just leave." He says calmly. "Why don't you. That's my kid." Richard retorts.  
  
"Look, you can settle this in court, now you're just scaring Bryce." Carter gets a little more angry. "Look... I don't know who the hell you are but that is my kid and mark my word he will be in my custody before the end of the year." With that he leaves. I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks and look over to see a blurred vision of my son running towards his bedroom. I can feel Carter pull me into his arms. "Shh....Don't worry." He whispers sweetly into my hair. "I can't loose him John." I say pulling away.   
  
"I know and you won't we will make sure of it." He says leaning down and kissing me lightly on the lips. "I have to go talk to Bryce." I wipe the tears away heading towards the bedroom. I open the door and my son's face is in his pillow. I walk towards the bed and sit down. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you." I rub his back and feel how hot he is.   
  
"I just I wanted it to go away, I didn't want you to worry."   
  
"I know." He says sitting up. His face is tear stained. "I just- I hate him. I don't want to live with him, I want to stay here with you." He leans in for a hug and I give him one. "Bryce your not going any where." I reassure him.  
  
"Promise."   
  
"Of course." He looks at me and tries to smile, but I know he is really hurting. I play with his hair. "They have a better chance don't they?" he says breaking our family moment.   
  
"Bryce-"  
  
"Mom, I don't want you to lie to me." He says firmly.  
  
"Well there are two parents, and uh- he has more money. But we have spent all these years together, and um- he doesn't know you like I do. He went years without seeing you. Please don't worry."   
  
"Why don't you marry Carter." He suggests. I get up and walk out of his room.   
  
"Well if you-" I turn around and cut him off.  
  
"Bryce I love you, more then anything or one in the world but it wouldn't work not now. I am going to get you without being married or rich." I say firmly.   
  
"Okay, and if you don't I'll just run away." I pull him into another hug.   
  
"You won't have too." We both walk towards the living room and see Carter channel surfing. "I'm going to go into my room and watch Television." Bryce says looking up at me. "Okay," I pull him into another hug.   
  
"Mom, you should hug Carter- He's your boyfriend." I laugh at Bryce. I'm not sure if Carter is my boyfriend, but it seems to bring Bryce some comfort. I walk towards him. He is sitting on the couch with one arm stretched out over the top of the couch. I snuggle up to him, and he brings his stretched out arm around me. "He okay?" he murmurs.   
  
"No, but he will be when all this is over." I say leaning up for a kiss, he obliges.   
  
"Thanks." I say pulling away. He smiles at me, we both look over at the bedroom.   
  
"I wish." I say laughing. He laughs with me.   
  
"We are taking it nice and slow." He says kissing me again.   
  
I pull away and we watch the TV for awhile. "Hey how about we go on a date?" Carter says out of the blue. "I mean we haven't actually been on one, just the two of us..." He starts but before he can finish I interject. "That sounds great." He smiles and seems "We are taking it nice and slow." He says kissing me again.   
  
I pull away and we watch the TV for awhile. "Hey how about we go on a date?" Carter says out of the blue. "I mean we haven't actually been on one, just the two of us..." He starts but before he can finish I interject. "That sounds great." He smiles and seems somewhat relieved. I lean up and kiss him a bit more our hands roaming, I can feel his move down my body, "HEY, HEY! Let's PG 13 this a little bit. Our you can keep going, I mean if you finish this I could have a baby brother by my next birthday, well a little before early birthday present." We both look at him and he has his signature smile on, oh I can tell this is going to be a problem. "If you don't quit interfering it will just be us and your baby brother." I joke back. He laughs and grabs his water leaving Carter and I to our fun. Oh and it is fun. 


	20. waking up

Authors Note- Hey, hey folks out there in reading world! I would first and foremost like to apologize for posting a part of chapter 19 twice. It was near the end when he asks her on a date. That was my bad I accidendently deleted half of that segment and thought I deleted the whole part so I rewrote it all.   
  
Anyways heres chapter 20! enjoy!  
  
~*~  
  
I woke up, and it took me a few seconds to register where and with whom I was. I looked at her sleeping face, and she looked gorgeous beyond words. I pulled the comforter closer around us, the sharp, cold Chicago air was coming in through the slightly opened window. I couldn't wait to see or hear Bryce this morning, but contrary to prior beliefs. Nothing had happened. She wasn't ready, neither was I. We just ended up falling asleep together on the couch, and we headed to the bedroom together to a nice warm bed.   
  
I saw her begin to stir and I kissed her on her forehead. She gave me a smile, and cuddled up closer to me.  
  
"I could have used you before. Who needs a heater?"   
  
I laughed. She had lightened up since last night. I really thought she was going to break down. But she held herself together. She was much stronger than anyone gave her credit for.   
  
I felt her leaning up for a kiss, and I quickly responded. Her lips were always so sweet. She pulled away for a second, getting a better position, and we resumed. I couldn't get enough of her. I doubt I would ever be able to. I felt her hands running up and down my chest, our kiss intensifying. She was slowly working her way on top of me. I paused for a second.   
  
"Are you sure?"   
  
I watched her nod her head and smile. I kissed her again, more passionate then ever.   
  
She had just started to get my shirt up over my head, when we both heard the door creak open.   
  
"God! At least lock your door! My virgin eyes did not need to see this!"   
  
We didn't even bother looking up, because we were guilty. Well technically we weren't, yet. But almost. We both collapsed laughing. She started to get up pulling her robe on. But I still had different plans. I got up following her, locking the door just as she was about to open it. She turned around, giving me a seductive glance, we headed back toward the bed. Nothing was going to stop us now. Maybe except a hurricane or a tornado.   
  
Or Bryce.   
  
"The whole thing with sex is you do it when the children are ASLEEP. It's 8:49 and I really don't feel like hearing you two getting it on. These walls are way two thin."   
  
We both heard him through the door and walls. I gave her a quick kiss, grabbing a pillow we had thrown to the floor. She laid there looking at me, questioning my motives. I gave her a smile. I quietly but quickly opened the door, and threw the pillow at Bryce, hitting him straight in the head.   
  
"Go watch TV."   
  
I started to shut the door.   
  
"Just keep it down!"   
  
I heard Abby yell from the bed.   
  
"Bryce! I'm gonna lock you in a closet!"   
  
Bryce chuckled, and so did I.   
  
"I love you too, Mom!"   
  
I saw her throw her head back. We were both getting a little frustrated. I shut the door and locked it. I got back to her, and started to kiss her again.   
  
"Ya know that closet idea wasn't such a bad one . . . "   
  
It really wasn't. It might shut the kid up long enough for us to finally get rid of all this sexual frustration. It's medically proven it's not healthy to hold it in.   
  
I climb back under the covers, and our kisses continue. I give her one last passionate kiss, and we both decide it's not the right time, Bryce was way too awake. I pull her closer to me, and I play with her hair. She plays with my other hand's fingers, kissing each one by one. After a while, I pull her closer into me, running my hand over her shoulder, down her arm, over her breasts, gently. She doesn't seem to mind. I kiss her one last time and then begin to get out of bed, unwillingly. I put out my hand, and she follows. We walk out of the room, my arm around her, her head leaning on my shoulder.   
  
We walked into the living room, where Bryce was sitting and watching TV and eating a bowl of cereal.   
  
"Man, you two were quiet and quick. Must come in handy workin' in that hospital?"   
  
I felt Abby laugh a little, and she started to yell at Bryce.   
  
"Bryce Lockhart, another word out of your mouth, I'm shipping you off to boarding school . . . In the Himalayas!"   
  
He started to laugh.   
  
"I've always wanted to learn how to snowboard."   
  
The three of us sat down on the couch, Bryce in between.   
  
"If you'd like me to move, I can."   
  
I saw Abby roll her eyes.   
  
"No. I need to get ready for work anyway."   
  
I started to get up, and Abby began to follow me into the kitchen. She pushed me against the door, and gave me another kiss.   
  
"I'll see you tonight . . . "   
  
I nodded my head.   
  
"What about . . . "   
  
She smiled.   
  
"Mr. Sarcasm?"   
  
I nodded my head.   
  
"He's sleeping over at Alex's . . . "   
  
I leaned in for another kiss, but we heard Bryce screaming about someone being at the door. I opened the swing door, letting Abby go first, and I followed her, close behind.   
  
She opened the main door, and a man in a suit stood before us, a pile of papers in hand. He looked at Abby.   
  
"Ms. Lockhart?"   
  
I saw her nod her head.   
  
"Sign here."   
  
She signed the paper, the pen hitting the metal, and echoing through the hallway. He handed her the papers, and we both instantly knew what they were for. I quickly grabbed my cell out of my pocket and dialed county. Susan answered.   
  
"Susan? It's Carter. I've got a family emergency. I'll pull off a double within the week . . . Sorry. Bye."   
  
I quickly hung the phone up, knowing that if I stayed on the line for three seconds longer she would have said no. I walked over to her, and she set the envelope on the table. Bryce was getting changed, so he was probably oblivious to the whole situation. I looked at her, and she seemed ready to cry. We needed to sort through this mess, without Bryce. I grabbed my cell back out of my pocket and searched for Sam's number. I caught her just in time, and she said she would pick Bryce up in about five minutes. Abby and I would sit and talk out this mess. We also needed to get to an attorney's. I had a few connections. I could make a few calls. I stood behind her and massaged her shoulders. I leaned down and whispered into her ear. The only one thing I thought could make things better.   
  
"It'll all be okay . . . " 


	21. This and That

Authors Note- Hey this is not a very good chapter. its pretty short, so I will be posting antoher one later on. So here you go.   
  
"We could settle..."  
  
"Meaning?"  
  
"Meaning, you and Richard share custody."  
  
"NO!" I say firmly.   
  
"Well at this point it could be your only option." The lawyer sighs. I can't do that not Bryce, he would hate me. "My- son does not want to live at his dads. Not at all." I say frustrated. The lawyer, Debbie Smith, gives me a sympathetic knowing look. "I just don't understand how this could be the case, I mean if it's money I will be getting more in a few years, but uh- we get by, he has everything he could ever want or need." I say running my fingers through my hair. "I know. I will see what I can do. If we get Bryce up on the stand saying he wants to go with you over Richard that could win you the case." She stands up putting papers into her brief case. "Thank you." I say reaching my hand out, she shakes it and I smile and leave her office. I can not believe this is happening, I don't want to share custody of my son, not with that slime bag he does not deserve him. I walk towards the hospital, despite his best efforts Carter still had to go to work today, he did get me an appointment with his lawyer though. I promised him I would meet him for lunch and fill him in on everything that has happened. He's so great, we have our first official date tonight. Its a Bryce free date too. I do love my son but his comments are becoming very annoying. Carter was planning out this whole BIG date, I said screw it, I would just rather go to the movie then cuddle up on the couch with him. He said I was starting to sound like a teenager.   
  
I walk into the ambulance bay and see Susan and Luka dealing with a patient, they smile at me, I walk by them and into the ER. I can't see Carter he must be dealing with a patient. "Hey Frank have you seen Carter?"   
  
"Try Exam 1." He says shoving the bagel into his mouth.   
  
"Abby..." Carter calls from behind me before I even leave the admit desk. He puts his arm around me and ushers me into the lounge. I sit down on the couch as Carter takes a seat next to me. "So?" He pushes.  
  
"Uh- she wants me to settle, share custody."   
  
"You don't want that?" Carter says this as though he doesn't want this.  
  
"No."   
  
"Your going to court?"  
  
"Most likely." I sigh.  
  
"Sorry." He puts his arm around me and I lean on his shoulder.   
  
"MOM!" We both look at the door and in runs Bryce with Alex trailing behind him.   
  
"Bryce, why are you guys here?" I ask.  
  
"My mom got called in." Alex says exasperated.   
  
"I know what you mean, Carter was forced to work today too." Bryce sighs.  
  
"Well how about we take you hoodlums out for some lunch?" Carter says getting up, then offering me his hand. "No." Alex answers. "I want to watch Luka deal with the cannon ball guy." He says running off.  
  
"Cannon ball guy?" Carter asks Bryce.  
  
"Yeah the guy was fired from a cannon ball."   
  
"What about you, you want some lunch?" I ask pulling him into a hug. He shrugs, and suddenly looks very serious, I become very concerned, Bryce is never serious. "I think dad was calling your cell?" He says nervously. I give Bryce my cell when he goes out because I like to be able to stay in touch. "What do you mean?" I say trying to keep my composure. "Well this guy left a message on the machine, saying he was going to get me   
  
from you." Bryce started look upset.   
  
"Hey Bryce no one is going to get you, okay?" I say lifting his chin up too look at me.   
  
"Okay." He sighs.  
  
"You still up for lunch?" Carter asks Bryce.  
  
"Nah- I mean you guys need sometime alone, thats why you shipped me off to Alex's so early." He says collapsing onto the couch.   
  
"No, Bryce, come on." I say ruffling his hair.   
  
"I'm going to look at the cannon ball guy anyways." He says leaving us.   
  
"I don't want him to think he comes second." I say tiredly.   
  
"He knows he doesn't, you were dealing with lawyer Abby." Carter reasons.  
  
"I know- but he doesn't." I can not believe Richard I hate that man with a passion.   
  
"Hey- we are going on a date tonight, it will be fun." Carter says pulling me into a hug.   
  
I hope so. 


	22. Romancing

Authors Note- Okay here it is what you've all been waiting for...Release that long held breath. Breath freely now because as of this chapter bliss begans. Yes I said Carby bliss... So get excited, hold onto your seats folks because we are about to launch you into a world you could have only dreamed of, take a drink of water and get prepared to take a cold shower...  
  
~*~  
  
I had planned everything out, from Susan calling Abby in to work, to what flowers she loved, to her favorite food. She was completely clueless, and Bryce had been a big help. Bryce had told me that she would probably be too tired to go out. She wasn't a going out type of person. But I wanted to do something special for her. And if that involved staying home, so be it. I arranged the last bits of roses around the apartment, and set the path of rose petals down from the door to the dinner table. I had actually cooked. And it came out really, really well. I was going to run in and light the candles as soon as we got here. I was a bit worried about leaving them. She wouldn't be too happy if we got back and her apartment was a big flame.   
  
I got into my car, and left the rose on the seat. That's one of the things I was doing. Giving her more roses than she would possible know what do with. I managed to get to the hospital relatively quickly, and walked in. Susan gave me a huge smile, rolling her eyes. So I was a hopeless romantic. So what? I gave her that look that said 'hey you had your chance'. She just laughed back at me. I headed into the lounge, due to the instruction of Susan. I found her there, pulling on her coat. I instantly rushed over, and helped her. I handed her the red rose, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She looked exhausted.   
  
"Ready to go?"   
  
She gave me this reluctant little gaze, and I just kissed her again.   
  
"Don't worry. I promise. You'll like this."   
  
I knew she had to force a small smile, and I took her hand and opened the door for her.   
  
We walked past Susan and she was about to go crazy.   
  
"You're both on tomorrow, remember that. I don't want empty exam room sex."   
  
We both looked at each other. Great. Another Bryce. Just what we needed. We have Bryce at home for the commentary, and now we have Susan. Will we ever be able to be alone?  
  
I got her to car, and opened the door for her. She picked up the second rose, and gave me a questioning look. I just smiled. We started to drive, and I purposely took the complicated route to her apartment. She was looking at me and at the road, completely clueless. I finally got to her building, and parked the car right outside. I ran around and opened the door.   
  
"John?.. What's going on...?"   
  
I didn't say anything, and I didn't respond. I just draped my arm over her shoulder and led her up the stairs. I pulled out the key Bryce had given me, and she started to laugh.   
  
"Remind me to tell Bryce not to give my keys to random strangers."   
  
I kissed her on the cheek.   
  
"But I'm not a random stranger. Wait here for a second."   
  
I rushed into the apartment, lighting the candles. I refused to use any form of electrical lighting. I even got the fireplace going. I made sure everything was okay, then I walked back to the door to get her. I got there, and she was standing starring down the stairs.   
  
"You ready?"   
  
She smiled.   
  
"I'm scared."   
  
I laughed. I interlocked my fingers within hers, and lead her into the apartment. I saw her smile widen, the expression on her face in complete disbelief.   
  
"Oh my god..."   
  
I helped her take her coat off.   
  
"Bryce told me you'd be too tired to go out. So I decided we should just stay in."   
  
She kissed me, throwing me off guard for a second. I led her to the table, and served dinner. We chatted slightly through it but she seemed so out of it tonight. After dinner I took her and headed towards the couch, I had spread out some candles, some petals, and the fireplace was going. I had brought some CD's from home, and one of them played in the background. I sat down first, bringing her down with me, letting her lie against me. I played with the tips of her hair, and I knew she was falling asleep slowly.   
  
I kissed the top of her head, covering us with a blanket. She picked her head up for a minute, looking straight at me.   
  
"Thank you."   
  
I smiled and kissed her gently.   
  
"The one night Bryce isn't here..."   
  
She laughed, finishing off my sentence.  
  
".. is pure heaven."   
  
I nodded my head. Finally we were both relaxed.   
  
"Are you okay?"   
  
I felt her nod her head against my chest.   
  
"Yeah. I have you, don't I?"   
  
I looked at her, straight into her eyes.   
  
"Always."   
  
She smiled a bit, and laid her head back down. I ran my hands over her arms, and I knew she had fallen asleep a few minutes later. This was perfect. I didn't need anything more than this. 


	23. The bad news

Authors Note- The morning after scence, again. Take a read... I am considering posting another chapter tonight, but I may not because the next couple chapters are pretty intense, so I might leave you hanging. LOL! Please review and I'll try to post another chapter tonight!  
  
If you asked me 2 months ago if I thought John Carter would be the type of guy to plan out a big romantic night, I probably would have laughed. It was hands down the best night of my life, other then the night my son was born, but I'm taking about with men. We didn't sleep together, and I'm glad that we didn't because I know that once we do everything in our relationship will change, not that that's a bad thing, I just like things the way they are right now. When he comes over it's so relaxed, although I know we will have to sleep together soon because the sexual tension is getting to be too much. I'm glad it was just John and me last night though, I love my son but sometimes adults just need their time.   
  
I roll over and look at the man softly snoring beside me, he looks so peaceful I don't want to wake him. I am getting the sudden craving for coffee, I start to get up, when I feel a strong force pull me back in bed. I fall and land on top of John. "Where do you think your going?" He asks sleepily.   
  
"Coffee." I say resting my head on his bare chest.   
  
"Mm that sounds good." He starts to play with my hair.   
  
"Yeah," I sigh. I don't want coffee now I just want to stay in bed with him. I look at the alarm clock, eleven o'clock, oh god.   
  
"We slept in." I yawn. He doesn't reply, he fell back to sleep. I rub his chest, knowing that we will have to get up soon. "I have an appointment with my lawyer later today."   
  
"What time?"  
  
"Two."  
  
"Okay, you want me to come?"   
  
"No...I think I'm okay, but if we go to court-"  
  
"I'll be there."   
  
"Thanks"  
  
"Anything for you." I laugh quietly at this, he's so sweet.   
  
"Where's Bryce going after school?" Carter asks, opening his eyes.  
  
"He's coming here, I should be home by 3:30, at least I hope so."   
  
"Okay- if you need me to come over, just call me."   
  
  
  
* * * * *  
  
"So when do we go?"   
  
"A week Tuesday."  
  
"Okay... And what are our chances?"   
  
"We will just have to wait and see." My lawyer tells me. Its 5:30, this meeting went a hell of a lot longer then expected. I leave the restaurant in a hurry to get home to my son, Carter ended up going over to stay with Bryce, which was very nice of him. it brings me some comfort to know that Bryce isn't alone. I hate leaving him alone. My phone is ringing, I look at the number, its work. I can't go in, not tonight. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey mom."  
  
"Bryce?"  
  
"Yeah, hi. I'm at the hospital with Carter, he got called in, and there was an incident around our building today with people breaking in to the guy down the hall from us, so Carter said it be best if I went to work with him when he got called in."   
  
"Oh, okay, tell him thanks I'm coming right now, I'm about five minutes away." I didn't know where I was going to sleep now, I don't want to take my son back to the apartment if its dangerous. I guess I better see how bad the break in really was before I get myself into a frenzy. I walked through the ER doors, seeing Bryce and Alex talking with Luka, I rushed over to him, I know that the break in wasn't in our apartment but I still worry. "Hey." I kiss him on the forehead.  
  
"Hey mom."   
  
"How are you?" I rub his back.  
  
"I'm okay, there are members of a gang living in our apartment."   
  
"What?" I can't believe this.   
  
"Yeah, I don't know anymore though, Carter wouldn't tell me."   
  
"That's probably for the better." Luka added. I smiled in agreement.  
  
"I'm going to go find Carter." I say leaving them, I really hope this gang thing blows over quickly. It was probably only one break in, I know my apartment is not in the safest part of Chicago, but its the only place I can afford right now. "Abby." Carter says smiling walking out of Exam 1.  
  
"Hey. Thanks so much." I say smiling.  
  
"Hey no problem, so I guess Bryce told you?" He cringes a bit.  
  
"Yeah he did."   
  
"Well," He starts to walk towards the lounge. "There is some sort of mob gang in your apartment building."   
  
"Since when?"  
  
"I don't know. The police wouldn't tell much." He says sighing.  
  
"This is not going to help my case." I push my hair out of my face.  
  
"How'd that go?"   
  
"We go to court next Tuesday."  
  
"Okay, well come and stay with me." What? We've been dating for two weeks and we're already living together. "No sorry." I say scooting ahead of him into the lounge.   
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Carter that would look worse, me moving in with a guy I've been dating for only two weeks."   
  
"Okay, well, when you work nights, or can not be home till late Bryce can come stay at my place." He offers up. Now this is an offer I could go for. It is a lot safer then my building and I know he will get watched, "What about when we both work late, or nights though?"   
  
"Then I'll have maids watch him." He walks towards his locker opening it up, hanging his stethoscope awaiting my answer. I scan his locker door, seeing a few pictures. One is of him and his brother Bobby, he doesn't talk about Bobby much. The next of his Gamma, who he also does not talk about much, he has brought her up here and there. The last of Bryce, a big smile on his face. It was the night we went out for Pizza. It makes me smile. "Okay." He turns around smiling.  
  
"Good, because I would hate for anything to happen to him." He puts his coat on, walking over and hugging me. "Hey, you two I'm hungry!" Bryce says poking his head into the lounge. "Okay lets go!" Carter says grabbing my hand and leading me out of the lounge. "You know I was afraid of what I might see when I opened the door." Bryce says.  
  
"You never stop do you?" Carter cracks.  
  
"Not when I'm on a roll."   
  
"That's a roll that's going to come to an end very shortly." I say wrapping my arm around his shoulders. 


	24. I just might snap

Authors Note- Sorry, I was a little late with the update today, I will ttry to be quicker tomorrow... here you go!  
  
I open the door for Abby as we walk into the restaurant. Bryce has already grabbed a table and is reading through the menu. I need to talk to Abby, but it's difficult to do so with Bryce there. He's always commenting or worrying. He's a great kid, don't get me wrong, but he's growing up too fast. I give Abby the look that we've both sort of learned to understand. I see her turn toward Bryce and tell him to go play one of the video games they have set up near the entrance. After he's a few feet away, I turn to her. She starts to run her hands through her hair. She seemed so down. I was sitting across from her, but I decide to go sit next to her. We have a corner booth, so whatever happens, Bryce can't see us, but we can see him. So hopefully we won't' get too much commentary during dinner. I grab her hand and brush off the few strands of hair from around her eyes.   
  
"Are you okay?"   
  
She started to shake her head yes, but I make her look me in the eyes. She tries to act so tough, yet I know she's falling apart inside. And I can't do anything to stop it, or make it any better. I wish I could.   
  
"It's just . . . It's Richard. He has a better case... And I can't loose Bryce. I just can't."   
  
I squeezed her hand, and she started to look out the window, she was trying to hold her tears. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. She tells me, she confides in me, and then she closes herself up. If I try to do anything more than hold her hand, she's revolt against me. I want to help her so badly. Make all this pain go away for her, and it's so hard to do that when she won't tell me the truth. She hides it so well.   
  
"What happened today?"   
  
I saw her biting her top lip, and then she sighed.   
  
"He has a better case. His wife doesn't work. She stays at home all the time. He has money, a stable home, a good growing environment, two parents, everything."   
  
I watched her take a sip of her soda, and then she moved closer to the wall, away from me.   
  
"And what is your situation in the eyes of the court?"   
  
He added it with a bit of a mock tone at the end, hoping to get something out of her, but it didn't work.   
  
"I'm a single mother with under 25 grand a year, who works over 60 hours a week, including nights. I have bipolar Disease running in my family, and I'm a recovering alcoholic."  
  
He looked at her, giving her a questioning look. All the time they had spent together, never had she mentioned any of this. He didn't want to bring it up. She was destroyed enough for the night.   
  
"And that means?"   
  
She shook her head, almost like she was giving up.   
  
"There's nothing good on my side. His lawyers can make it sound like I can't give him anything and Richard can give him everything. That his damn life is in danger by staying with me. I'm too screwed up to even be given a chance . . . "   
  
I sat up, sort of shown by what she was saying. She had never acted like this before. She was just giving up, and she couldn't do that. I couldn't let her do that.   
  
"Abby, look at me."   
  
I tried to get her to face me, because she wouldn't believe it if I just said it out in the open. I finally managed to meet her chocolate brown eyes, and they were full of so many emotions, they would have demolished me.   
  
"You have the one thing that is most important: love. You love him more than life itself. I know you do. You can't give up. Even if everything seems to be falling apart, I'm here. I"m going to always be there, through the best and the worst. And we're gonna get through this."   
  
I saw the tears start falling down her cheek, and I reached up and wiped them away. She leaned into me, and I put my arm around her, guarding her from the world. I couldn't let anything bad happen to her, or Bryce for that matter. After a while, she looked up at me, giving me a small smile. I smiled back at her, and gave her a quick kiss on her lips.   
  
"Now come on, promise me, no more worries tonight?"   
  
She started to shake her head.   
  
"Only the worries that surround a tenant when she finds out a gang is living next door."   
  
She said the last part lightly, this probably being the least of her problems.   
  
"I volunteered my place . . . "  
  
She took another sip of her soda, and played with the straw.   
  
"But you never volunteered to stay."  
  
I leaned in and whispered into her ear.   
  
"Oh, I thought that was implied already?"   
  
I saw her hand heading for my head and I quickly kissed her, and her hand grazed the side of my face.   
  
"Okay guys, sex and bed go in the same sentence. Not sex and public."   
  
I pulled away from Abby, and she gave me the 'later' look. I also saw her napkin go heading straight for Bryce's head.   
  
"Bryce!"   
  
He stood there with his signature smirk. I watched him sit down, still smiling, and look at us.   
  
"So how was it?"   
  
I looked at Abby, and she looked at me.   
  
"How was what, Bryce?"   
  
He rolled his eyes at us. We both knew the next comment that was going to come out of his mouth.   
  
"Sex."   
  
I threw my head back. This kid was seriously going to be a problem. And he was only ten. What about when he was going to be a teenager?  
  
"You really want to be grounded don't you?"   
  
Abby didn't find his commentary funny anymore.   
  
"Oh come on, Mom . . . "   
  
I felt her lean back into me.   
  
"No, Bryce. It was cute for a while, but now it's getting ridiculous. Another comment out of your mouth and no XBox for two weeks."   
  
I saw him looking at me, and I threw my hands up in defeat. Abby was authority. I was most definitely not getting involved, it could be deadly for me. I heard him mumble something under his breath, but I didn't catch the context. But I knew Abby had. She started to move out of the booth, and she pushed me out to get out herself. I looked at Bryce for some hint of what he said, but he just looked stubbornly at his mom, then a look of remorse passed on his face. I gave Bryce a nasty look, since he probably deserved it.   
  
"Stay here, and don't move."   
  
He had started to get up, and he instantly sat back down. I got up, going after Abby. I saw her go out the doors, and I followed the same route. She stood outside the restaurant leaning against a wall, she was crying. What had Bryce said to her? I walked in closer, but she pushed me away. I tried again, and got the same reaction. I wasn't going to give up. The third time, she finally gave in, and held onto me. She dried off her tears, and pulled herself together.   
  
"What did he say?"   
  
She took a deep breath, and I instantly saw how bad it really must have been.   
  
"That 'dad would never punish him'."   
  
I pulled her hands into mine, aiming to keep her warm.   
  
"Abby, you know he didn't mean it."   
  
I watched her shake her head.  
  
"Yeah. I know. It just... It hurt."   
  
I gave her a quick hug, then started heading back to our table, Abby in tow. Bryce stood up when he saw us, and he instantly came up to Abby, giving her a kiss.   
  
"I'm sorry mom."   
  
I saw her give him a kiss on the forehead.   
  
"Don't worry about it."   
  
He gave her a hug, and they sat down, I followed them, not wanting to interrupt their moment. The food arrived a few minutes later and we kept quiet during dinner. I knew Abby and I shouldn't talk since something might slip out. Bryce had to battle with himself to keep his mouth shut, since near the end of dinner I was trying to make Abby laugh and I was saying some pretty interesting things.   
  
I payed the bill and we started walking home. We were going to take the "L" but the night was too nice, and we decided to walk and check out the Christmas lights in the city. Bryce walked a few feet ahead of us, while we strolled slowly, my arm around her. She seemed to be barely walking, she was so tired. We finally got home, and I ended up leading her straight to the couch, and yelling at Bryce to get ready for bed. I made her a cup of tea in the kitchen, and Bryce walked in to say goodnight.   
  
"I didn't mean what I said to her."   
  
I nodded my head. I knew he didn't. It just came out in a moment of rage.   
  
"It's okay. She knows."   
  
He gave me a slight smile.   
  
"Night."   
  
I watched him begin to walk toward the door.   
  
"Hey, Carter?"   
  
I looked up, and he started to smile.   
  
"Did my request for a baby brother go through last night?"   
  
I pointed my finger toward his room.   
  
"Bed. Now. Before I tell your mother."   
  
He scurried off faster than I had ever seen him run. I started to laugh. It was sort of funny. I finished off Abby's cup of tea and headed into the living room. She had fallen asleep on the sofa, and I didn't have the heart to wake her. I pulled off her shoes and picked her up, heading toward her bedroom. I placed her on the bed, and pulled the comforter over her body, making sure she was warm. I kissed her on the cheek, and turned out the lamp. On my way back to the living room, I grabbed two blankets and some pillows, and made myself comfortable on the sofa. It was going to be a long day tomorrow. 


	25. News

Authors Note- Anoth short Chapter, but this answers all the questions as to what is going on with the custody case. This is where it starts to get intense, and of course over the next couple of chapters we will get some good ole' carby fuzz so look out for that! Thanks to everyone who reviews, we really appreciate it and the feedback is awesome, we definitely take it into consideration!  
  
"Mom PLEASE!"   
  
"For the tenth time today Bryce NO!" He huffed and walked off into his room, I heard the slamming of the door. "Get your jacket I'm taking you to Matty's house!" I yelled.   
  
"I want to go with you." He screamed back.   
  
"Bryce NOW!" I walk into my bedroom, applying my last bit of make up. He can't come today, he just doesn't understand. I hear a thud, like something hit the ground, "BRYCE!" I call out running towards his bedroom. I can hear him screaming, I swing open the door and there he is lying flat on his back on the floor. His arm is in a weird position. It's broken. "Baby." I walk over to him wipe his hair out of his face. "Ouch." He says dazed. "I fell, and put my wrist down but it twisted."   
  
"Is everything else okay?" I ask concerned. He nods swallowing hard.   
  
"We have to go to the hospital." I look at him he is being so strong, he brings his arm into his body and clutches it. "We can't go...You have to go to court." He says tears threatening to fall. I bring him into a hug. "Carter's here." HE says quietly as someone knocks at the door. I help him up and we walk towards the door together. I open it and Carter's expression changes from content to worried. "What happened?"   
  
"I fell!" Bryce says upset.   
  
"It's broken John." I add in.   
  
"Okay, let's go to the hospital and I'll set it and cast it." He says picking Bryce up. I walk behind them locking the door. They hold the elevator for me, and I can see Bryce is trying not to scream, or cry. "Mom-you're gonna miss court." He chokes out.  
  
"Hey, don't you worry about that." I say with tears in my eyes. I push his hair out of his eyes. He smiles grimly at me.   
  
"We'll put him in the back seat and you can ride with him?" carter suggests opening the jeep doors. "Yeah." Bryce answers for me.   
  
I get in and Bryce leans on me. "What time do you have to be in court at?" Bryce asks looking up at me. "Uh- it doesn't matter." I look at the clock, its 2:30, we have to be in court at 3:00. It takes at least twenty minutes to get there. We are screwed. I brush Bryce's hair out of his face, and Carter pulls into the ambulance bay. "Take him in, I'll be there in a minute." Carter instructs. I help Bryce out of the car and we walk into the ER. "BRYCE!" Alex calls out to him. Sam sees us and rushes over.   
  
"What happened?" She asks worried.  
  
"He fell." I feel like such an awful parent right now. Oh god they will probably use this against me too. Susan sees us and runs over "We need a bed." I say quickly. She leads us over to curtain three and Bryce sits down tears threatening to fall. I sit next to him, glancing at my watch 2:35, I could still make it if I tried. Carter runs in, and sees Sam and Susan helping out. "GO!" He says out of breath.  
  
"What?" I say completely clueless.  
  
"Go, to court." He tells me.  
  
"Carter-" He grabs my hand pulling me up.   
  
"you have to go, you can't loose Bryce. I'll look after him, bring him back to my place and everything will be okay." He smiles reassuringly. I lean up and give him a peck on the lips. "I'll be back soon baby." I run over to Bryce and kiss him on the forehead.   
  
* * * * *   
  
I look at my watch 3:05, shit. I'm late, five minutes. I run towards the court room bursting open the doors. "Mrs. Lockhart I assume." A grumpy old man whose sitting on the bench spits out. "Uh- yes, your honour." I feign a smile, and rush over to my lawyer. She gives me an angry look. "Mrs. Lockhart-" The judge starts. "Why don't you start with telling me why you are late." He bellows.  
  
"Uh- my son, broke his wrist." I say getting a little emotional just thinking about it.  
  
"Where is the boy now?" He asks gruffly.   
  
"Uh- with my boyfriend." I say carefully. I look over at my lawyer who gives me a look that says 'oh god we are screwed.'  
  
"And how long has this man been your boyfriend?"  
  
"Uh- a month." I cringe while saying this, as does my lawyer.  
  
"Hmm." Is all the judge says. He stays quiet for a moment. I look over at Richard, he is smiling, I hate him. "How did Bryce brake his arm?" The judge pushes.  
  
"Uh- he- he fell." I stammer.   
  
"Where were you when he fell?" Oh this is just making me sound better and better.  
  
"I was in the washroom." I answer confidently.  
  
"And he was?"   
  
"In his room." I say quietly.  
  
"Well, Mrs. Lockhart, I have a few pieces of information in fornt of me. Your apartment building was recently broken into by a gang. You leave your injured son with your fairly new boyfriend. Not too mention you live in a rough area. You are a single parent, and you barley make enough money to support yourself." He takes a deep breath.   
  
"I deem Mr. Richard Lockhart the fit parent in this case." He says sighing.   
  
"Wait your honour?" I interject.  
  
"Mrs. Lockhart, I know this was a short hearing but I saw everything I needed to see. Mr. Lockhart will have sole custody of Bryce, and Mrs. Lockhart will have visitation rights limited to every other weekend. I will look at your case Mrs. Lockhart in a few months, and if I see improvements I will reconsider. Court Dismissed." He slams the folder closed and gets up leaving me and my lawyer. I look to my right and Richard is hugging his wife and two year old Denny. The tears that were threatening to fall since this afternoon finally do. I lost my son, to that asshole. I will see him this weekend though, we will do something special. "I'm sorry Abby." I look over and my lawyer is leaving. I slouch down in my chair and take a deep breath, Richard is still around, I can't crumble in front of him. "I'll be over tonight to get my son." Richard spits at me.   
  
I get out of my chair and leave the building, I call Carter, "Hello?" He says tiredly.  
  
"Hey." I choke out.  
  
"Abby." He says a little more awaken.  
  
"I lost." I manage to say.  
  
"I'm coming now." He says hanging up. I don't think I can walk home now anyways. I slouch down on the cement steps and start to cry. I can't believe I lost my son, everything seemed to be going so well too, and now this. Richard did not care one bit about Bryce and now to get back at me for trivial past things, and to make his new whore happy he does this. I wipe my eyes seeing Carter's jeep pull up. Out hops Bryce. "Mom- its blue!" He beams. I pull him into a tight hug. He pulls away and looks at me, and his big blue eyes flood with tears. 


	26. disbelief

Authors Note- just a few things before we get headed intot he next chapter. First off, the language starts to get bad, and rough over the next couple of chapters, due to the stress we have put on the characters. Also there is some sexual tension, which is always nice hehe.So here is chapter 26, we hope you enjoy this chapter, please read and review! THANKS!  
  
I'm walking in complete disbelief. I feel like I'm holding her up, holding her together for her son. But I know she's not going to be able to hold it in. She refuses to cry in front of him, she knows how bad the situation is. She hasn't told him, yet. He keeps on asking, and I don't have it in me to sit with her while she tells him. It's tearing me up inside. We get to her apartment, and soon or later she's going to have to tell him. He's coming to get him tonight. He couldn't wait, give them a few more days. I see the tears in Bryce's eyes, he's getting agitated, he knows something happened. I'm holding her hand still, she's squeezing it so tight, as if she lets go, she'll fall apart. I watch Bryce walk off, and I pull her back. She instantly pulls into me, I feel her warm tears against my shirt. I caress her back. I don't know what I"m supposed to do. I really don't. I thought that it would all work out. I was so wrong. I kiss her on her forehead. I never realized how short she really was.   
  
"You have to tell him... "   
  
She nods her head, still buried in my chest. I hold her tighter. I wish she could somehow transfer all her pain into me. By some sort of magical power. I'd give up my life for this woman. I grab both her hands, and force her to look at me.   
  
"I'll be here. I promise."   
  
I wipe away the tears, and force a little smile. She starts biting her bottom lip, suppressing the tears.   
  
"Be here for what?"   
  
I hear Bryce behind me and I look back at Abby. She shakes her head and we start heading toward the sofa.   
  
"Bryce, sweetie, we need to talk to you."   
  
I noticed she distinctly said we, not I. I watch Bryce uncomfortably head over to her. I sit behind her, she's facing Bryce.   
  
"What? Are you two getting married or something?"   
  
He tries to interject playfully to ease the tension. It doesn't work, I just keep a firm grip on Abby's hand.   
  
"Mom, what's happening? What's wrong?"   
  
I feel Abby begin to shake, I steady her with my other hand, putting it on her shoulders.   
  
"Today . . . Today at court..."   
  
Her voice is shaking, and Bryce is looking more terrified by the second.   
  
"You're going to live . . . "   
  
She can't get the words out. It's so hard for her to get them out.   
  
"... with Richard . . . For a while . . . "   
  
I close my eyes. I don't want to see the pain in Bryce's eyes. I just can't watch this boy I love so much feel so much pain.   
  
"What . . . What if I don't want to?"   
  
His voice is hollowed out, he's starring in front of him.   
  
"There's nothing we can do about..."   
  
I see the first tears come down from his eyes, and I feel Abby let go of my hand and reach for them. He moves away from her, scooting farther back into the couch.   
  
"Bryce . . . "   
  
He's shaking his head, muttering 'I don't want to go . . . You can't make me go' over and over. Abby keeps on getting closer to him, he keeps on trying to push her away. Finally she manages to get to him, and he collapses into her arms, his body shaking all over, sobs echoing through the apartment. And I'm paralyzed. I feel a sudden hate for this man, who would want to put anyone through this torture. I go on the other side of Bryce, and hold him and Abby. I'm holding Abby's hand, my other hand running up and down Bryce's back. There's nothing more that we can do except cry.   
  
I hear a cell phone go off, and I assume it's mine. I head to look for it. But it's not mine, its Abby's. I look at her, and she nods her head to answer it.   
  
"Hello?"   
  
I wait for an answer. I get a brisk voice.   
  
"Who the hell is this?"   
  
I don't know for sure, but I have a good idea who it was.   
  
"Abby's busy, what do you need?"   
  
I hear him shout something over the phone, but I can't make out what it is.   
  
"I need to pick Bryce up in an hour."   
  
Abby had told me he was picking her up tonight.   
  
"We barely got home a few minutes ago."   
  
I'm trying to reason with him, buy the two of them time.   
  
"He's my son. I want him back."   
  
Why is he referring to his son as an object instead of the great, wonderful kid he is?  
  
"Have you even thought of asking Bryce what he wants?"   
  
I hated this man. I had never met him before in my life but I hated him.   
  
"It doesn't matter what the hell he wants. This is for the best."   
  
This man is the one person who shouldn't be a father. Ever.   
  
"The best for whom? Him? Or your little socialite gatherings?"   
  
I raised my voice a little, and I felt the phone being pulled away from me. She just shut it off.   
  
"What did he want?"  
  
I look at her. I can't tell her. But I have to.   
  
"He's picking Bryce up in an hour."   
  
She looks at me in disbelief. Bryce was standing in the doorway, and he runs off into his room, slamming the door. I look at her, and I start toward his room. She can't handle any of this anymore. I knock gently on the door, and walk in, finding Bryce lying on his bed, crying.   
  
"Bryce . . . "  
  
I sit down on his bed, and he buries his head deeper into his pillow. I lean down and give him a kiss on the head. I wish I could do more than comfort him, but I can't. He begins to sit up, and I move closer, giving him a hug.   
  
"Stay strong . . . For me and your mom . . . We'll do everything to get you back. We love you. You know that."   
  
I knew he didn't believe me. He just looked at me, his eyes telling me nothing but pain.   
  
"I want to stay here... With you and mom . . . I don't wanna go with Richard."   
  
I nod my head. I know, I want the exact same thing.   
  
"But you can't . . . And it's going to be hard . . . But we'll pull through, okay?"   
  
He's fighting back tears, and I hug him again.   
  
"I love you . . . "  
  
I truly loved this kid, no matter what happened, he would always be special to me.   
  
"I love you, too."  
  
I held him for a second, and then I needed to pull away. He needed to pack.   
  
I walked out of his room, and found Abby on the sofa. She was empty, hollow. I sat down next to her, and she didn't move.   
  
"I can't believe this is happening."   
  
She said it so emotionless. I grab her hand, playing with her fingers.   
  
"We'll get everything together, I'll help you. We'll get him back."   
  
She started to nod her head. I heard the doorbell ring, and the apartment froze. It physically froze. I turned to Bryce's door, and he walked out, a bag in tow. His eyes were puffy and red. Abby got up and headed toward him, engulfing him in a hug.   
  
I headed for the door, since that was my command. I opened the door and the image of Satan himself stood there. I opened the door wider, and he gave me this dirty look. He wasn't walking in, just giving Abby and Bryce this look that said 'come on idiot, let's go'. I wanted to kill him. I looked back at them and I noticed Bryce had frozen, moving farther away from Abby, toward the back of the room. He was stiff, cold, heartless toward the whole situation. This would stay with him forever. I knew it. I lived through it before, maybe not the same exact thing, but close enough to know his pain.   
  
"Bryce, sweetie, you need to go with your dad."   
  
Abby was trying to be strong. Her authority was completely washed away with the tears.   
  
"But my dad's here, with you."   
  
I saw him looking straight at me. I didn't know what I was supposed to say, or do for that matter. In other circumstances I would have rejoiced. Right now, I just gave him a slight, unnoticeable smile.   
  
"Bryce, now."   
  
He screamed from the door, obviously pissed off at these latest comments.   
  
I saw Bryce look at him, giving him this look of hate and condemnation.   
  
"Don't get smart with me."   
  
He rolled his eyes.   
  
"Screw you, Richard."   
  
I saw Richard get more angry by the minute. I nodded my head at Bryce, and he headed to Abby, giving her one last hug and kiss. He then headed straight to me, doing the same. I didn't want to let him go. It was so hard. He finally let go, rushing right past Richard, down the stairs. I walk to shut the door. He looks at me.   
  
"Keep the hell away from my son."   
  
I shut the door straight in his face. I lock the door, and turn toward Abby. The world is in complete silence and stillness. 


	27. comforting

Authors Note- Well everyone seemed pretty shaken up by the last chapter, it was one that tugged on the heart strings, well as a treat for the night I haev decided to post another chapter full of, angst, love, and mild sexual tension all rolled into one. I hope it lives up to your standards. There will be more sexual tension as the story progresses, over the next couple chapters, every chapter has sexual tension so enjoy:)!  
  
Five fucking years. He didn't want anything to do with his son for five fucking years. Even when we were living with him he rarely spent time with Bryce. Now all of the sudden out of hate for me and wanting to make his whore happy he disturbs our lives. What a dick. I get up from my spot on the EL train and make my way towards the hospital. I have been working a lot lately, and when I'm not working I am sleeping, or looking at pictures of Bryce. I haven't seen Carter since Richard came to pick Bryce up. He left about five hours later, he leant me a shoulder to cry on, but I just haven't wanted to seen anyone lately. I guess I am scared of loosing someone else. He tried at first to come and see me, or talk to me on the phone, but I brushed him off. I want to be with him...He's just going to have to give me some time to let me get used to the new arrangement. I haven't had many shifts with him, Bryce has been gone a week and in that span of time I've had about one shift with Carter, it wasn't even a full shift about three hours together. I do not know if he has given up hope or what, god I hope he hasn't. I just don't know how to tell him that. I walk into the ER the warm air hitting me. "Abby- good you're here a trauma is on its way in." Luka says walking past me.   
  
"ETA?" I shout after him.  
  
"Five minutes." I nod and rush into the lounge discarding my coat. I avoid looking at the pictures in my locker, I just can't deal with it today. I hear a yawn, I look over to see Alex sprawled out on the couch watching me. I smile pleasantly at him. He waves, and forces a smile. "How you doing kiddo?" I say brushing his hair out of his eyes. Alex does not have that many friends and he and Bryce seemed to form an inseparable bond the few months they knew each other. "Meh." Is all he can manage. I smile sadly at him. Richard won't let Bryce hang out with, or talk to his friends. Only on the weekend after all his chores and homework is done. Even then he has to be home by six. "Abby, Trauma now." Sam hollers into the lounge. I nod, waving at Alex and rush out the ambulance bay. The ambulance hasn't pulled in yet, but Carter is standing out there waiting. I thought this one was with Luka? "Where's Luka?" I ask a running by Sam.  
  
"In with the first trauma." She says back. I take deep breath and walk towards Carter. I stand beside him looking straight ahead, he glances down at me and smiles. I smile back. "How've you been?" he says looking around the hospital for the ambulance, we are both uncomfortable. "Uh- okay. I guess." I respond, not looking at him.  
  
"What are you doing tonight?" He asks kicking at the snow. I shake my head, and gulp. "Nothing." He looks down at me and we finally make eye contact.   
  
"Maybe we should talk." He offers.  
  
"Yeah, why don't you come over after my shift." I say as the ambulance pulls in.   
  
"Okay."   
  
* * * * *  
  
We walk into my apartment, what a hellish shift that was. He plops down on the couch, after looking at me for my approval. I walk over to the answering machine seeing that I have three new messages. "Hey Abby, its your brother- Eric. Uh- sorry I didn't get a chance to call you back until now. You left a message about Bryce. Give me a call." I hit the delete buton and the next one plays. "Hey Abby this is Susan... I haven't talked to you in awhile, you've been pretty withdrawn lately, for obvious reasons. I was wondering if you wanted to talk, maybe Sam, Chen, you and I could do a girls night. Call me back." I delete that message, walking over to the couch I sit next to Carter waiting for the next one to play he looks at me smiling shyly. "Hey Mom. Sorry I haven't gotten a chance to call you lately but Richard and his whore have been keeping a close eye on me." Good language Bryce, I guess I do not set that great of an example with me calling her a whore and all. "Uh- anyways, I really miss you. Its been so weird and he wants to transfer me out of my school to the one closer to him, lucky for me Alex goes to that school, but still I don't want to leave my school." He sighs and I can tell he's getting upset which upsets me, Carter notices rubbing my arm tenderly. "I will email you, tell Alex I say hi and tell Carter hi, I hope things are cool still between you two, just remember please no sex in my bed." He laughs, "Love you mom." I smile at his comment as does Carter.   
  
"I miss those comments." I whisper.  
  
"I know me too." He pulls me into a hug and kisses my forehead. I love being comforted and held by him, I am just to vulnerable to trust it right now. I pull away getting up to go to my room. He follows me. "Abby-"  
  
"I know John." I say turning around to face him.  
  
"I just can't, not right now." I feel the tears coming. God don't let me cry. Not again. All I've done for the last week is cry, I just can't cry anymore.   
  
"Abby-" He starts again but I put up my hand to stop him.   
  
"John-" I try to continue but he won't have any of it.  
  
"I know that you are in so much pain right now. Pain I can't even imagine. I know Bryce is not my son and I have only known him for about three months but I care about him more then you could ever know. I care about you too. So much. I just I can't stand seeing you like this. I want to be there for you, but I can't if you keep pushing me away." He seems so hurt, so desperate. I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his waist. He sighs and kisses my head. I start to cry. "Hey, hey its going to be okay." he rubs my back, I needed this, someone to just hold me. Sometimes though I push people away instead of letting them in. "Promise you won't hurt me." I look up at him.  
  
"Never baby." He plants a soft kiss on my lips.  
  
"So you won't like run off to Africa get some chick pregnant and forget all about Bryce and me." He laughs at this.  
  
"Where do you come up with these things." I join in on the laughter. God it feels good to laugh again. "Never baby." He plants a soft kiss on my lips.  
  
"So you won't like run off to Africa get some chick pregnant and forget all about Bryce and me." He laughs at this.  
  
"Where do you come up with these things." I join in on the laughter. God it feels good to laugh again. We lie down on my bed and he turns the television on, "You know... I've missed you." He says pulling me in closer. I smile up at him. He kisses me, soft at first them our kiss deepens, after all that's gone on this is nice. Its pretty comforting. His hand start to roam and I am pretty sure we are going to... The phone, the fucking phone rings. He reaches over groaning and grabs it off my bedside table. "Hello?" He says, then sits up immediately. A smile playing across his lips. "Hey kid how's it going." Ah, its my son. Screw sex I want my son. No pun intended. Carter nods for a bit and smiles. "Well here's your mom." He says handing the phone over to me and pulling me into his lap.   
  
"Hey baby." I smile.  
  
"Hey mom." He says, he also seems to be smiling.  
  
"Richard is a dick, which is interesting because that is a short form for his name."   
  
"What's he doing?" I hesitate to ask this question, because although I love my son if he tells me something horrible I am not sure I will be able to doing again with out worrying about my son, well that's not much different from now. "He has me on like house arrest. He's so strict. He hates you. He hates Carter more though, he says that Carter is not my father and it was wrong of you to try to replace Richard with Carter, all the while Richard is trying to get me to call his whore mom." This breaks my heart, but I am glad that Bryce is not letting them get away with any of this. "How's school?" I ask trying to change the subject. "Same old." He brushes that one off. This has me worried, as soon as I get my son to do his work and he finally has a guy in his life that he adores Richard has to go and do something like this. "They are letting you call me?" I ask letting him get away with that for the time being. "Yeah, I asked in the middle of a fight." He sighs. I then hear Richard barging into his room telling him to get the hell off the phone. "In a minute." Bryce retorts. "NOW!" I hear Richard holler. I wince at this, I hate hearing my son being yelled at. I try not to yell at him, from time to time I can be short with him though. "I SAID IN A MINUTE!" He screeches back.  
  
"Bryce, baby go." I say afraid that Richard will do something to my son.   
  
"Okay, I love you. Tell Carter I love him to." With that I reluctantly hang the phone up. I look at Carter who had been watching television. "He's okay." He reassures.  
  
"Thanks." I lean my head back, we start to kiss again, slowly the television gets turned off and the kissing gets a little more intense. I love this, I have felt so lost since has been gone and now Carter comes over and emotionally and physically makes me feel better and brings up my spirits. I pull Carter closer to me, and under the covers we go. I can feel my bra being un-hooked... 


	28. Save me

Authors Note- I meant to get this one up earlier today, or even last night but I have been stuck on hwat to write for chapter 35, for this story. So I completely forgot and was wracking my some what farted out brain to come up with a good idea, anyways, here's this chapter... so do they have sex? Read on and find out!   
  
~*~  
  
I keep kissing her slowly, passionately. What we're doing is so wrong, yet so right at the same time. We shouldn't be doing this, not now. All it would be is comfort. Nothing more. But I can't pull myself away from her. She's so beautiful. I can feel my hand roaming over her body, I want her so badly. Nothing would be able to stop me. I begin to unbutton her shirt, kissing her navel, and slowly moving up. I hear her sighs, and I trace little patterns along her skin with my tongue. I stop for a moment, hesitating. I look up at her, and instantly retreat, moving back up to the head of the bed. I kiss her gently.   
  
"I'm sorry. I can't."   
  
She looks at me, hurt and dejected.   
  
"I... I just don't want to ruin what we have..."   
  
The look erases itself from her face.   
  
"It's not right now... We'll both know..."   
  
She eases herself into my arms, and I hold her, kissing the top of her head. She plays with my right hand, and we are just comfortable in the stillness and silence of the room. I watch her close her eyes, she's holding my hand across her chest. I know she's going to fall asleep soon, and I shake her a bit.  
  
"Come on, let's go to bed."   
  
I watch her shake her head and slowly get up.   
  
"You got me all excited and all you want to do is sleep?"   
  
I smirk at her, she's teasing me.   
  
"With you."   
  
She smiles.   
  
"Oh, that makes it all better."   
  
I watch her walk over to her dresser, shifting around for a shirt to wear. I look out the window at the city, and realize it's raining. That's the lulling sound we both heard. I look back at her, and she's just barely taking off the rest of her shift, i see her olive coloured skin through the dim light. She's absolutely breath-taking. She pulls on the white shirt, and puts her hair up. I watch her do it, every move gently and graceful.   
  
She walks over to me, pulling the covers off the bed. She reaches for the bottom of my shirt, and slowly pulls it up, over my head. I let her do it. She can do anything she wants to me. The same thing happens to my pants, and she throws them over a chair next to the door.   
  
She climbs into bed with me, curling up right next to me, pulling the covers over us. I interlock my fingers with hers, and she turns the light off. I don't know how long we both laid there, but listening to the rain pat against the window, and her slow and steady breathing was enough for me. I could have stayed there forever.   
  
~*~  
  
The rustling of the body next to me woke me up. I kissed her good morning, and we both got up. We both had a seven o clock shift, and after a few cups of coffee, we might actually be able to get down there. And when we do get down there, I don't remember how. But it was the start of another exciting shift in Chicago's one and only public hospital. I give Abby another quick hug before I go off to play god and cure man.   
  
I finish with my first patient, and walk over to the desk. I see Abby talking to Adele. I come up behind her, putting my arm around her waist. I listen in to the conversation. Abby's telling Adele about the current situation, and asking her if there is any way she can look into getting Bryce back. I listen to Adele speak, and she mentions a few things, like finding someone, a family member, or close friend, to move in with, to get out of that neighbourhood first off. Someone she can split the rent and bills with, so she would have extra money. Then there is the matter of finding someone to be home with Bryce if she's not. She's nodding her head, the look of intent concentration on her face. I pinch her a little and she looks up at me. I smile at her, nodding my head. She knows what I want. I want her to come move in with me. Hell the house will never get any use except for one bedroom, one bathroom, and the kitchen. She starts shaking her head.   
  
"At least let me help you find a place..."   
  
Adele looks at Abby and starts to nod her head.   
  
"Positive male role model."   
  
I smile at her and she starts to laugh. Abby's just completely withdrawn.   
  
"Abby?"   
  
She looks over at me.   
  
"We'll talk later, okay?"   
  
She doesn't seem mad, so I take it as a good sign.   
  
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Sam talking to someone. I look over, and see Bryce. He starts running towards me, tears in his eyes. Abby and I both encompass him, smothering him with kisses and hugs.   
  
"Mom.. Mom.. I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry.. Please don't be mad at me.. I just.. I can't go back there. Please don't make me go back there..."   
  
Abby is running her hands up and down Bryce's back, trying to get him to calm down. I knew he ran away. Who wouldn't? I swear a damn dog would rather kill itself than live with that devil. I look at Adele and she seems truely interested now. I watch Abby turn towards her as well, and she gives Abby this look that says 'let me talk to him'. She starts to move away from him, but he won't let her go. I run my hands up and down his shoulders, and we decide it's for the best if we stay.   
  
"Bryce, this is one of my friends, Adele. She wants to talk to you for a minute.."   
  
I watch him nod his head and he wipes away his tears. We start to move back, and she grabs my hand, anger running through her body. We section off to a corner, within view of Adele and Bryce.   
  
"What the hell did the damn bastard do to him?"   
  
I hold her hand, trying to calm her down. I'm also mentally listing names of hitmen I can hire.   
  
"See if Adele can get a temporary placement with you until this is all worked out?"   
  
She rolls her eyes.   
  
"I don't want temporary. I want my son back."   
  
I nod my head, and bring her in for a hug. Adele comes up to us, she looks concerned.   
  
"He wants to go back home with you."   
  
Abby nods her head.   
  
"Is there any way...?"  
  
An aura of hope in her voice.   
  
Adele begins to shake her head.   
  
"Your ex husband has legal custody..."   
  
I look at Bryce, and back at her.   
  
"As if seeing him like that isn't enough? The man is a jackass. Bryce is terrified for his life."   
  
She looks over at him, sitting in a chair, occasional tears streaming down his already red face.   
  
"I'll look into it, but I can't promise anything."  
  
Abby and I look at each other, hope growing within us. I hear some commotion going on behind us, and I turn around. Sure enough Old Nick himself is fighting his way over to us, looking straight at Abby.   
  
"What the hell did you do with my son, bitch?"   
  
I give him a look that could kill. He sulks back a bit.   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
She's trying to play it cool, hoping Bryce managed to hide somewhere.   
  
"Don't give me any of your shit. I know he's here."   
  
I watch him look around, and he must have seen Bryce, since he starts heading over to towards the first curtain area. I see him grab Bryce, violently by the arm.   
  
"Don't you dare try anything like this again."   
  
I'm in shock, complete shock. Abby's probably either ready to kill him with her own bare hands, or pass out from outrage. I look at Adele, and she slowly wheels out in front of Richard.   
  
"Hi, I'm Adele Newman from DCFS. I'm appointing temporary custody to Abby until further notice."   
  
He's ready to tell her off, but he knows that wouldn't be a wise choice.   
  
"Under what grounds?"   
  
He spits it out at her, his words fierce.   
  
"After what I've seen right now, for the best interest of the child and his safety."   
  
He is pissed off as hell. Everyone in the hopsital would be able to tell you that. He throws Bryce's arm, and he winces in pain. Abby runs over to him quickly, grabbing him and pulling him away towards the lounge.   
  
He looks at me, then at Adele.   
  
"Temporary, meaning I'll have him back tonight."  
  
He says it more as a direct statement towards Adele, but I know he's saying it to me, too.   
  
I give Adele a grateful look, and head off towards the lounge, wanting to know the truth behind everything. I walk in, and find Abby holding Bryce. I sit down next to Bryce, and hug him, giving him another kiss. He's shaking uncontrollably, the tears coming down in streams. I pull away from him for a second, double checking his arm to make sure it's okay. Nothing's broken, but there is a big bruise all over from where Richard had dragged him. I look up at Abby, and her eyes fill with tears. 


	29. Tension

Authors Note- A short very sexual tension filled chapter! It doesn't have much relevance to the story, other then their wanting/ needing to have sex, its just a little bit of release from all the other things going on in their lives. PLease read and review!  
  
~*~  
  
Two Am, I swear I have watched the clock tick along, since eleven o'clock. I wrap Carters arms around me tighter, just needing to be close to him right now. I could really use some action though. All the stress, anger, hate... Love, I have pent up really needs to be released. I feel his warm breath on my neck and it makes me smile. I feel so safe, comfortable right now. Bryce is sleeping in his bed now, also safe. It's been an emotional night for everyone. I sigh loudly and notice Carter is starting to move. I turn to look at him, my back against his chest. "Hi." He says groggily. "Hi." I murmur. He blinks and smiles at me, planting a soft kiss on my shoulder. "Don't worry baby, he's safe now." He says slowly kissing my shoulder then making his way up to my neck. "I know." I say rolling over onto my back, as he makes his way on top of me. "I'm glad he's here, I will win tomorrow, Richard will never touch him again." I say matter-of-factly. Carter stops kissing me and looks me in the eye. "I know you will. You deserve your son, not that sorry excuse for a father." He spits. I pull him in closer to me, we kiss softly at first. I don't even know why we started doing this in the first place, we both know it will end the same way it does every other time...Both of us taking cold showers. He starts to go up my shirt, god this feels great. I really just need sex. But I guess if we do, have sex tonight it will just be fucking, not making love like it should be. Hell we can 'make love' later, tonight I just want hot sweaty animal sex. I run my fingers through his short brown hair as he slips me the tongue. I open my mouth and it starts to get increasingly hot in my room...and my pants. I can feel Carter on me, I am ready for this, so is he. Trust me. His hand moves down to my sweat pants, he slips them down. "Oh sorry." We both look over and see Bryce's shadowing moving away from the door. Carter gets off of me, and my sweat pants are now back where they belong, and unfortunately that's not on my bedroom floor. "Bryce. Baby get back here." He walks towards the door, I can tell Carter's about ready for that cold shower. "I just couldn't sleep." He says walking into my room. He sits on the end of the bed probably afraid to walk any further. "You want to sleep in here, Carter can take the couch." I offer. Carter laughs wiping his forehead.   
  
"No- I'm going to watch television in my room." He says standing up.   
  
"Come here you, I want a hug." I say smiling. He walks over to my side of the bed hugging me tightly. "Night Carter." He calls on his way out.  
  
"Good Night." He calls back. He leans over kissing me some more, but softer this time, and slower. "You know-" He starts. "I- uh... I don't know what ever came over me when I first met you, but- I feel like this was meant to be, you know you and me. Bryce, you and me." He swallows hard, not breaking eye contact. His hand still on the back of my neck tracing small circles. I smile nervously curious as to where this is going. "I just- I really don't want to loose you. Either of you. I can't go a day without seeing you anymore. I could be happy man for the rest of my life just lying here with you." I smile at his sweet little blurb. "I just wanted you to know that. Oh and how did I ever life without you?" He leans in for a small, tender kiss.   
  
"I ask my self the same question every night." I respond. He kisses my neck, slow at first, then moves down to my chest. My shirt goes up and over my head, he traces small kisses over my naval. I sigh, oh god. This is it. He comes back up to my mouth and I nod at him. "I want you." He whispers into my ear. I laugh at him.   
  
"You know if we do this it's just going to be fucking." I say smiling seductively. "A meaningless fuck." I laugh.   
  
"No fuck could ever be meaningless with you." He say in all serious ness.  
  
"You say that now," I pull him in for a kiss. I know my son is in the next room, god I hope Carter is quiet in bed, cause I need this bad and nothing will stop me now, a damn marching band could come in here, and I still want to do this. I pull his shirt over his head and start to kiss his chest, his nipples become erect as I kiss around them, I move my hands down to his pants, and yank them down. I bring myself back up to face him. He smiles and we kiss again, this time his hands go down on me. I feel the elastic of my pants making a snap noise. My pants are then discarded and lying on my bedroom floor. FINALLY! Soon my underwear follows, as does his. Our kisses deepen and his hands are going everywhere, well mainly where I want them to go. I reach into my dresser draw, I know I had a condom from a couple months ago, when I had a meaningless fuck, with a friend/co-worker, you know one of those things that just happens. He starts kissing my neck and I can tell its a now or never type of thing. I feel around in my bed side table drawer, no condom. I flick the light on. Carter winces at the sudden brightness. "FUCK!" I say angrily. "Are you kidding me?" Carter asks. I shake my head. I am not on birth control, cause up until now I had no reason to be. "AH!" He says bring his hands up to his face and collapsing on the bed. Well so much for that. 


	30. Ruling

~*~  
  
I walk into the courthouse with Abby. We decided to take Bryce along, but I'm sitting outside while Abby goes in for the actual ruling. I'm holding Abby around her waist, and my other arm is around Bryce's shoulders. He seems so out of it. I give him an encouraging squeeze, and he looks up at me. I give him a smile, and he just gives me a funny little look.   
  
"What?"   
  
He starts shaking his head.   
  
"Nothing. Just wondering where your hands have been."   
  
I hit him playfully on his head, and he starts to laugh. Finally, he loosened up, even it if was just for a second.   
  
I give Abby a small kiss and watch her walk through the big wooden doors. I turn around with Bryce, and head towards the chairs that are set up outside the courtroom. He sinks down into his chair, and I know he's terrified of what might happen. He leans into me, putting his head on my shoulder, and I run my hand up down his arm. The only source of comfort for a while. I see Richard walking in from a distance, and I'm hoping Bryce doesn't notice. He walks quickly by us, almost ignoring us, yet still turns around and gives me this 'condemned to hell' look that only the devil could give. I know Bryce saw it too because he instantly tensed up. I give Bryce a kiss on the head, and feel him relax again. I watch the traffic and the people through the windows, all caught up in their own lives, not carrying about anything other than themselves. After about twenty minutes of silence, I hear the door swing open, and Abby emerges with a tear strained face.   
  
I get up, and Bryce comes back to life as well, rushing over to her.   
  
"Abby, what happened?"   
  
She pulls Bryce into a hug, giving me a small smile.   
  
"We won."   
  
I swear the smile that appeared on my face could have outshone the sun. I give Bryce a hug, and then go over to Abby, giving her a long kiss.   
  
"Okay guys.. We're in public..."   
  
I see Abby playfully push him out of the way, and she breaks the kiss.   
  
"Come on, let's go home."   
  
We walked out of the courthouse, a bigger and better appreciation for everything and everyone. I never knew losing someone I had only known for a short time could control my life. But we had Bryce back. Along with his damn commentary and sarcasm. I loved him even more. I loved Abby even more. She is the strongest person I know. We walked the few blocks home, Bryce being extremely silent as me and Abby strolled a few steps behind him. We finally got inside the apartment, and Bryce collapsed on the couch. I followed Abby as she walked over to him.   
  
"You okay sweetie?"  
  
I watched him nod his head.   
  
"Yeah. Just a little tired I guess."  
  
I picked up a blanket that laid on the couch, and I dropped it into his lap.   
  
"Go lie down, take a nap."   
  
We watched him get up slowly.   
  
"You just wanna get rid of me so Carter doesn't have to take those cold showers anymore..."   
  
I pick up a pillow and hit him in the head. That was uncalled for.  
  
"Kid, you're really pushin' it."  
  
He starts to laugh and heads towards his room. Abby's looking at me, trying not to laugh.   
  
"You know, he's right..."   
  
I move closer to her.   
  
"We could change that."   
  
I give her a long, hard kiss on the mouth, she replies with equal intensity.   
  
"God! Not the sofa! We need to get that thing disinfected along with my bed and the whole kitchen..."  
  
We both look at each other, then start to head towards Bryce who is standing in the doorway. He sees we are about to attack him, so he runs towards his room, and midway there, we hear the door slam. Okay, so he's taken care of for the moment. I grab Abby's hand and we head towards the sofa. I sit down and pull her down with me. She curls her legs under her, and her head goes onto its usual spot on my chest. We've grown so used to this position, its like second nature. I turn the television on and find one of those music channels that plays just classical music. One of those channels that come included in some package you order to make it seem like your getting more for your money. I unclip the barrette she has in her hair, and let her long brown hair fall down, across her shoulders. I twirl a few strands around my fingers until she grabs my hand and we interlock fingers. The music seems to relax both of us, and I dim the lamp we have on. I know this moment seems way too perfect, and I'm waiting for Bryce to come walking in with one of his comments, but minutes tick away, and he's still in his room. I grab a throw blanket from the chair across from us, and throw it over Abby and me. She keeps on snuggling up to me, not that I'm complaining. She looks up after a while at me, and the instant is perfect for a kiss. I was planning for a short one, but she had other ideas. Once again, I am not complaining. She starts to twist a bit, and she's on top of me. She grabs my hands and guides them over her body. Okay, so I'm a little excited. Although I know this is going to end the same way. It's worse than being quartered, or buried alive. She gets off me slowly, still holding on to the kiss. She throws the blankets off, and she grabs my hands.   
  
"Come on... My son might come out... What kind of example would we be setting?"  
  
I smile at her remark.   
  
"Are you sure?"   
  
She looks at me, rolling her eyes.   
  
"No. I'm not. Get out."   
  
She says it playfully, and I give her my best puppy dog face. Then I stick my tounge out at her.   
  
"Would you get over here and put that thing to work?"   
  
I start heading over to her, and I hear a sigh behind me.   
  
"God you guys are worse than two horny teenagers on viagra!"   
  
I turn back around, and there he is. Bryce.   
  
"Well we wouldn't be horny if you wouldn't interrupt us..."   
  
He looks at me, eyes almost popping out of his head. Ha. Now I know how to play. Use his own game against him. I feel Abby come up behind me, and attempt to put her arms around me.   
  
"You know what, I'm in the mood for ice cream.."   
  
Bryce and I both look at her, it's the middle of December for heaven's sake. No one eats ice cream in the middle of December.   
  
"Ice cream?"   
  
I watch her nod her head. Bryce looks at her questioningly.   
  
"I thought it took six weeks for someone to know they're pregnant?"  
  
Abby rolled her eyes at him. I started to laugh.   
  
"She's not pregnant."   
  
I run my hands up and down her arms.   
  
"Just hungry."  
  
I keep on laughing.   
  
"So where do you want to go and what do you want?"  
  
I watch her contemplate the question for a minute.   
  
"I want to go anywhere that has chocolate and strawberry ice cream with lots and lots of whipped cream."   
  
I start to laugh. I could arrange the whipped cream. But for other purposes. And the chocolate. For obvious reasons. So we started to get ready, because anything that Abby wants, Abby gets. And she definitely wants Bryce tired out and asleep by ten. It's going to be one long night. 


	31. Just call me DAD!

Authors Note- Here we go chapter 31, its um- well interesting haha, take a read through it, tell us what you think! We are dying to know...Oh and We are all glad bryce is back WE LOVE BRYCE! He rocks, and he's the coolest kid ever, we wish Bryce was in the show, hehe lol! Okay well here you go take a look....  
  
Please Read and Review thanks!  
  
~*~  
  
"Did you know that I love chocolate ice cream?" I said licking the cone.  
  
"Uh- I took a wild guess." Carter laughed, opening the passenger side door of his jeep. "Did you know that chocolate releases a sexual hormone in women?" Bryce calls from the backseat. Carter starts to laugh, I swat his arm, I don't need him encouraging Bryce. "Its true, that's why they say sex is better then chocolate." He continues. I turn my head to look at him. "Bryce Rupert how do you know all this?"   
  
"MOM! Don't call me that!" I can tell he has started to blush. I laugh and Carter looks at me. "You named your son Rupert?" He crinkles his brow, obviously somewhat astonished with me naming my son Rupert. "It was Richards fathers name." I explain. "He died at a young age." Carter nods, his approval then turns the car onto our street.   
  
"What's with all the cops?" Bryce calls to us.   
  
"I don't know." Carter answers pulling up and parking outside the building. We all get out of the car and a police officer greets us. "Do you live in this building?" He asks addressing Carter. "I do..." I say to him rather concerned. "Well, then you heard about the recent gang break in." I nod. "Well the gang is back, and there has been a shooting. We are evacuating the building you will have to find another place to spend the night or we can put you up somewhere." He explains. Oh god, I'm so glad we were not here when the shooting happened. "You'll stay with me" Carter says, well he more orders it. Bryce's face lights up.   
  
* * * * *   
  
We pull into Carter's driveway. This has to be the longest driveway I have ever seen. Bryce's face is practically glued to the window. I knew Carter had money, but I never knew he had this much money. "You're rich." Bryce mumbles.   
  
"I knew you were rich, but I never knew you were this rich." I say as Carter parks the car. He smiles weakly at me, obviously embarrassed. Bryce jumps out of the car and runs towards the door. Carter and I follow carrying our bags. Bryce does the first thing that comes to mind and rings the doorbell, a tall skinny man answers and he looks down at Bryce. "Whoa." Bryce exclaims straining his neck to look at the man.   
  
"Hey Alger." Carter calls to him.   
  
"You have butler." Bryce says amazed. Carter laughs and runs up the stairs wrapping his arm around Bryce's shoulder, escorting him into the mansion. I stop dead in my tracks once I get in the house. It is huge. "Wow you two should get married, and we should move in here." Bryce turns and faces us, smiling widely.  
  
"Ha you wish." I exclaim.   
  
"Okay, you don't have to move in here, but I want too." He finishes.  
  
"Uh- Bryce there is a bedroom up the stairs on the right, first one. It has a bathroom, DVD player, movies. Just go check it out. Its yours." Carter tells him. Bryce runs up the stairs, obviously excited. Carter laughs and turns to look at me. "How come you never told me you were this rich." I ask grabbing onto the collar of his jacket. "Uh- ha, uh you never asked." He answers nervously, he leans in for a kiss and I reciprocate. "Do you have any more secrets?" I whisper. With that he pulls me in closer and continues to kiss me, we start to walk up the stairs, our kisses never ceasing. We make our way to a bedroom, this is nice. Bryce can't walk in us because with all the rooms he won't know where the hell we are. Carter gently lays me down onto the bed, lifting my shirt up over my head. I pull my shirt back down and he looks at me obviously confused. "Do you have a..." I start. He reaches into his pocket and brings out a condom with that I pull him back on top of me. Our kisses growing more vigorous, my shirt is now off and lying on the floor. I start to unbutton Carters shirt, and do so, so quickly that I accidentally rip a button off. He slowly makes his way down my chest with a soft kisses. he unhooks my bra, and his head comes up a little. I lean back, wow this is amazing and definitely worth the wait, he comes back up the head of the bed and kisses me again. I move my hands to his pants and start to unbutton them, being a little more careful this time. He brings his hands down to my pants and suddenly we are in our underwear, making out, well a little more on some random bed in his Grandmothers mansion. He reaches down and slips my underwear off, I let him. I am so thankful we are finally doing this, I have waited forever for this too hap-   
  
"Ah- John, Jesus. Son, I am so- Oh god." I look up and there is a taller older man, about 65 dressed in a black suit, looking at us obviously embarrassed he turns and leaves. "Dad- I'm." Carter starts, and looks at me. We are both embarrassed. Carter rests his head on the pillow, I am still shocked. Why did he not tell me his father was in town? And why did we not lock the god damn bedroom door? Carter gets up and puts his pants on. I follow suit. He walks over to me half dressed and pulls me into a hug. "I'm sorry." He says lifting my chin, we kiss.   
  
"Don't worry about it." I smile, damn it I really wanted sex tonight. He pulls his shirt over his head I do the same. He is about to walk out of the room, but I stop him. "Why didn't you tell me John?" He looks at me confused.  
  
"Tell you what?" He asks.  
  
"That your dad was in town..."  
  
" uh- well... He was, suppose to be staying at a hotel, and uh-" He looks guilty and this makes me very nervous. "I better be-" He says pointing to the door. I let him walk out, I am very intrigued, and embarrassed. Why would he not tell his own father about us. I mean Maggie and Eric are crazy but they know. I push my hair out of my face, maybe it was a good thing his father walked in on us. Is he ashamed to be dating me? A lower class girl, with a son. Is he ashamed of Bryce and I? If so why is this all coming out now. So many questions, I want some damn answers. I leave the dark room to go find my son, I think we better leave. I can call Sam or Susan to see if we can stay the night there. 


	32. This can't be happening

**PLEASE READ ***Authors Note- Hey everyone, how are we all? Well, I am asuming you all saw Thursday night's episode and it was a HORRBILY crappy episode for us Carbies, so I will be posting a second episode tonight (which is almost tomorrow) lol, and hopefully two tomorrow if I can get away form all that studying grrrrr. Oh I think some people are curious as to how many chapters we are doing, and right now I am just about to start chapter 45, so this story could go on forever as far as we are concerned, once we get bored I guess. We are really loving writing this and reading your reviews it is great to go into my inbox and find 8 or even one review, so thanks to all of you out there! Its amazing. Another thing, I know this is long but, if you have any questions you want to know about the story just put them in your review, or email me and we will answer them!!!!Again thanks to everyone!   
  
~*~   
  
I walk in to find my father in the den, sitting and reading a book. I know I'm probably a bit red, but I live my own life. He shouldn't care. He hasn't cared for the last 30 plus years, he's not going to care now. I go closer to him, and he puts down the book.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
What am I apologizing for, I'm really not sure. But he looks at me and starts laughing.   
  
"I'm the one that should be sorry."   
  
I don't know what I'm supposed to say, or how I"m supposed to act right now. It's not everyday that your father walks in on you trying to have sex, we were very unsuccessful at that. The awkward silence that always existed between us, is still there, maybe not as evident, but I'm not as close to my father as I should be, or will I ever be. At least my mother's not in town. That would have made hell freeze over.   
  
"So who is she?"   
  
He's looking at me, and I know I start to smile.   
  
"Her name's Abby."   
  
He nods his head, as if he's running through his mind what an 'Abby' was. Was she a gold digger or a whore? I guess he didn't settle on anything.   
  
"And why haven't I been introduced?"   
  
I shrug my shoulders. I don't know why. I guess I'm scared of what they might say. But I'm ready to stand up for her anyway. She's the one. I can feel it. The silence emits again between us, and my father starts to get up.   
  
"Well I had stopped by to pick up some papers, and I'm going back to the hotel."   
  
I watch him walk past me, and I stand in the room for a few seconds before heading off to find Abby. I walk back up the stairs, hating my father for coming, for showing up, for not being there. I look in the room I had left her, and sure enough, she's still in there, standing on the balcony, looking out at the gardens. I walk towards her, and I put my hands around her waist, but she instantly freezes and pushes me away. I look at her, and I instantly know something's wrong.   
  
"Abby, what's wrong?"   
  
She backs off to the other corner. I sometimes wish these things were smaller.   
  
"Nothing."  
  
She just spits it out at me. I keep trying to get to her, and she keeps on pushing me away.   
  
"Abby..."  
  
I finally give up and lean against the railing.   
  
She looks at me, and then she looks back out at the gardens.   
  
"I'm going to stay with Sam. She's coming to pick me and Bryce up after her shift."   
  
I look at her, confused.   
  
"Why?"   
  
I really don't understand why she would leave.   
  
"Because you should spend time with your father."   
  
She's still starring out into nothingness.   
  
"My father left. He just came to get some papers."   
  
She nodded her head, but I knew she didn't exactly accept that reply.   
  
"If something's bothering you, just tell me..."   
  
She starts to shake her head, but then looks at me, anger and hurt in her eyes. I see it clearer than ever.   
  
"You're living a lie."   
  
I look at her, I have no clue what she's talking about.   
  
"What?"  
  
I watch her run her hand through her hair, and then she turns around, she's not facing me anymore.   
  
"Why didn't your father know about me?"   
  
I sigh heavily. There is no way I'm going to explain a lifetime of lies, deceit, and hate to her, in one night.  
  
"Because me and my father aren't close."   
  
No reply from her. She doesn't turn around. She doesn't say anything. I think she's waiting for me to say something.   
  
"We've never been close. And telling him something would be like telling it to the wind. It wouldn't matter."   
  
I don't get anything from her. Nothing. I don't know what I'm supposed to say.   
  
"And I want it to matter. Because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. And they would never understand."   
  
I see her turn around.   
  
"Because I'm what? Poor? Middle class? Not of the 'right society'?"   
  
I start to shake my head, but I know it's not going to do anything.   
  
"You've probably never had to struggle for a damn thing in your life... What the hell do you know about it."   
  
She turns around and starts heading towards the screen door. I quickly grab her by the arms, trying to be gentle, but it's hard.   
  
"Money isn't everything. You know that. You know me.... You know me."   
  
I don't know what to say, how to get her to understand.   
  
"No. I don't know you. What other secrets are you hiding from me?"   
  
I shut my eyes. I was getting frustrated. Not angry. Just frustrated.   
  
"Besides the fact that I love you and Bryce more than anything else in this world?"  
  
It came out in rage. I just, I don't know what came over me. It stuns the both of us for a while.   
  
"And that your ashamed of us."   
  
I sigh again. I wish she wasn't so stubborn sometimes.   
  
"No. I never could be."   
  
She rolls her eyes. She's making me angrier by the second.   
  
"So what? Just because you find out a have a few dollars in the bank, I'm suddenly a different person?"   
  
She looks away, I guess I must have hit home.  
  
"You are different, you don't have to worry about if you can pay your rent, or your bills. If you will be able to put food on the table, or provide everything that your child wants..."   
  
I bit my lip a few second ago, and now it's bleeding. I can taste the distinct flavour of blood.   
  
"But I worry. I worry about you and about Bryce. I worry if your okay, if he's healthy, happy..."   
  
She cuts me off, mid-sentence.  
  
"So maybe it would be better for all of us if you stopped worrying."  
  
I try to get her to meet my gaze, but she won't.   
  
"I can't do that."   
  
She starts heading towards the door again.   
  
"Well you better start trying. I can't believe I thought that this would work out."  
  
The last part of her statement is spoken under her breath, but I catch every word.   
  
"All I'd ever be to you is a good fuck."  
  
I watch her get the door open and start to head towards the hallway.   
  
"Abby! Please.. Just please don't go... Please..." 


	33. Don't hate me

Authors Note- Thanks everyone who reviewed, and everyone who read!!! OKay well here is chapter 33, I will try to update a little later, but I have a HUGE paper I have to write so I will be busy with that all day, that will also stop me from writing my next chapter, but I will do my best to get an update up today or tomorrow. Here you go...   
  
~*~   
  
I storm into his bedroom preparing to go get my son and wait out side, but Carter jumps in front of me. "So you think that's all I wanted huh? Sex?" He's clearly exasperated.  
  
"That's what I said isn't it?" I spit back.  
  
"Why haven't we had sex then? If I wanted to fuck you, I could have. This has nothing to do with sex."   
  
"That's bullshit Carter and you know it!" I yell at him.  
  
"No I don't know it. I could get a good fuck any where. You and I we have something special." He says emphasising the word special.  
  
"Yeah well I don't feel so special right now." I sigh pushing my hair behind my ears. My eyes meet his and he holds my gaze for a moment. "Sam will be here any minute, I have to go." I say quietly pushing past him. I can tell he feels beat. I am not close with my mother, she chased me around the house with a fucking knife when I was child and I still told her. He really is worried about my social class isn't he? I walk into the hall way and look around the house not knowing where the hell to start looking for my son. I walk down the long hall towards the stairs and turn into that room. Bryce has himself propped up by pillows and is watching television. I walk in, I try to smile, I don't want to scare him, he has had a rough last little while. "Hey." I say quietly sitting down on the bed.  
  
"Hey mom." He smiles.   
  
"Uh- Sam is coming to get us. We are going to spend the night with her and Alex." I manage to tell him without my voice cracking.  
  
"What? Why?" He asks sitting straight up in the bed.  
  
"Uh- We just can't stay here tonight." I tell him. He looks upset. Very upset. "Come on, get your bag." I get up and walk to the door waiting for Bryce. He sulks out unhappily and we walk towards the stairs. "Hey, cheer up." I try putting my arm around him but he pushes me away. "Don't be like that." We reach that bottom of the stairs and he runs towards the front door putting his coat and shoes on, then slamming the door behind him as he leaves. I bite my bottom lip trying not to cry. I should have known he would hurt both of us. Bryce only sees me hurting him, he doesn't know that this is coming from Carter. I follow Bryce outside and stand beside him. "Did you screw it up with him?" He spits bitterly.  
  
"Bryce-" I am not in the mood for this. I just want to get some sleep and then go back to my own apartment. "No mom tell me." He yells. "I deserve to know."  
  
"Bryce, this is my life, and you will not be informed of every little detail." I holler back. "Well your fucking up my life!" He screeches back. I turn away from him. "He was the only good thing that has ever happened to me, and you went and screwed it up, cause your so selfish!" He kicks the ground.   
  
"Bryce... You have some nerve. You are grounded forever. Sit your ass down on the steps and don't move a muscle." I yell at him.  
  
"I don't want to go with you, I would rather stay here with Carter!" He screams.  
  
"Guess what baby, Carter doesn't want you. I'm all you have so get your ass over here they're are coming up the drive way." He looks at me astonished, he slowly walks over to me. Grabbing his bag he walks behinds Sam's car and tosses it into the trunk. This is going to be a long night. Sam is smiling, so is Alex's who greets Bryce with a big smile and high five. Bryce expression is still hard, Sam can tell something has happened, and I know I will be explaining it to her later.   
  
The drive to their apartment is quiet and tension filled. I focus on the dark scenery for most of the ride. The car slowly pulls into the parking garage, and Bryce and Alex dart out of the car eager to get away from the adults, while Sam and I are stuck carrying the bags. "So what happened?" She asks as we walk up the stairs to her apartment.   
  
"uh- just a whole bunch of stuff." I feign a smile.   
  
"I'm sorry." She says smiling sympathetically.  
  
"Well I should have known that that relationship was doomed from the start." I sigh, "With kids, you just can't be as careless with relationships. They end up getting attached and being hurt in the end more then you do." "I hear you." Sam laughs. "I have been dating Luka for five months now, and uh- Alex just loves him. I do too. I just wonder whether I am doing the right thing by being with him, then I remember that yes I love my son but I can't live in a box or tip toe around because of him." I nod in agreement.  
  
"I just hope Bryce can deal with the fact that Carter and I aren't together any more." I sigh. "I hope I can deal with it." I finish.   
  
"Well, he's a kid he'll be okay. Kids are resultant."   
  
"Yeah... I know." I guess at this point I am scared. I really though Carter was a good decent guy, maybe I jumped to a conclusion, an incorrect conclusion. Whatever the case maybe I will sleep on it and see what happens. I didn't give him much of a chance to explain. I just feel so lied to right now, I just had to get out of their. He didn't really tell me about his money, which isn't a big deal, I guess I just would have liked to know how his family really is. I have told him about my family, but he keeps quiet about his. Did he ever plan on introducing me to his father? That was a hell of an introduction that he got tonight. He lied to be about his money, and then didn't tell his father about me. I just feel weird. I'll sleep on it, and talk to Carter in the morning, or depending on my feelings I just may never talk to him at all. But I will sleep on it.   
  
* * * * *  
  
I yawn, I feel completely exhausted. I can never get as good of a sleep on a couch as I can in my own bed. I walk over to admit and rummage through the stack of charts, I really don't want to see any of these people not today. I have been working an eight hour shift I am tired and just want to go to bed. Lucky for me it is safe to go back to my apartment, I am looking for a new apartment, Bryce and I can not continue to live there. "Hey," I look up and see Pratt hovering over me. I wave at him, "tired?" He grins. I nod yes, then cover my mouth and yawn again. He laughs patting me on the back. "Hope you feel better tomorrow baby, I'm off." He gloats heading into the lounge. I am off in ten minutes, so I am not that jealous. I walk over to the next patient, and tiredly listen as they tell me exactly what they think is wrong with them. I smile politely at the patient and tell them I will be right back, I just have to talk to an attending. I search the hospital to find someone to talk to, anyone. Susan- busy with a trauma. Luka- Busy with Neela, I walk into the lounge to see if Chen is in there, no Chen but Carter. He looks over, our eyes meet and I look away, closing the door. He could be my only option if I want to get out of here in the next five minutes. "Hey mom, when are we leaving?" Bryce asks walking up behind me. "Uh- soon." I smile weakly at him, he cocks his eye brow at me knowing that something is wrong. He seems to be over our fight last night, I'm not so sure I am. "Okay, can you be quick cause I'm really hungry." He says rubbing his stomach. I smile at him and walk into the lounge, this is for my son. I tell my self as Carter looks up at me from his coffee. "Uh- Can I present to you?" I ask quietly without making direct eye contact.  
  
"I'm not on for another five minutes, find another attending." He says throwing his Styrofoam cup in the trash. I roll my eyes at him. "Please." I say trying not to grovel. "Just find someone else okay?" He says rudely. He seems quite angry, he has no reason to be mad. "Look John, if you want to hate me. Fine hate me. But at least be professional." I spit. "I am being professional, if it were my shift right now I would gladly look over your chart, but its not." He says with a sarcastic twist.   
  
"What the hell did I ever see in you." I say letting the door slam behind me. I see Bryce standing in front of me, he looks tired. "We will go as soon as possible, just let me find someone to present too. I want to leave too." I promise I walk towards the admit desk and Bryce follows looking over the chart we wait for an attending. Carter walks out of the lounge and looks over the stack of charts, ignoring me. "Present to Carter mom." Bryce whines.  
  
"Bryce..." I start.   
  
"What's going on?" Susan asks walking up.   
  
"I just need to present to you." I say glaring at Carter.   
  
"Sure-" She notices something wrong, but seems to let it go.   
  
"Bryce go get ready to go, wait in the lounge." go any where but near Carter. He nods his head and walks into the lounge, he knows that things aren't right between Carter and I. I walk away with Susan, and she says she will take care of it, and for me to just go home. I thank her and walk towards the lounge. Bryce isn't in there. He must be waiting in the chairs. I rifle through my locker and feel wind hit me, turning around I see Carter has entered the lounge. "Look just..." He says but seems unsure of himself so starts over. "You hate me, I hate you. Its gone back to the way it use to be, just don't make Bryce hate me, or pay for it." He says emotional, yet with a flare of anger. With that he leaves. God I don't hate you Carter. I just don't understand you. Tears fill my eyes. Hate. He hates me? 


	34. Running from it all

Authors Note- Well despite my stupid essay, that I am still night done, I managed to post another chapter tonight and actually write like two chapters today. Yup I have perfected the art of prodrastination. But enough about me, lets get onto Carby, I realise its become pretty well angsty over the lsat 2 chapters, but as the saying goes, 'Things must get worst before they get better.' But thats what keeps up reading right? Well I sure hope it is. Anyways here it is, chapter 34! Whoa, I think we just finished writing 48 tonight, oh and we have written a Christmas Chapter, that we will hopefully post on Christmas, that would be cool, I don't know if we will get many readers on Christmas, but we'll see. And one last thing I know these authors Notes have been lengthy lately, I am posting a little preview at the bottom of each chapter for the chapter to come, you can tell me in your review whether you like this idea or not....(since we are so far ahead, its easier to do that now then it was before.)  
  
~*~  
  
I woke up in the hospital the next morning. Sleep wasn't exactly an option for me last night. I'm so exhausted. I couldn't sleep. I kept on trying, but I couldn't stop thinking about Abby, and how everything had fallen apart between us. I didn't want it to go back to the way it was. I felt more for this woman than I had ever, for anyone else. But being the way it was, I probably already lost her. I head towards the lounge for a cup of coffee. I still have a good six more hours left on my shift before I can go home. And attempt to sleep again. I walk in, and find Bryce sitting on the sofa. Abby must be working today too. I smile at him, but he quickly turns away from me, avoiding my gaze.   
  
"Bryce?"   
  
He doesn't even acknowledge me. He's just silently playing his videogame.   
  
"Bryce?"  
  
I try again. Maybe I can actually get his attention one of these times. Bingo. He looks up at me.   
  
"Would you just leave me alone, okay?"   
  
I'm a bit thrown back by this. I never expected him to be so hostile. I don't know what Abby said to him. But I know it couldn't have been anything good. I give up on trying to talk to him, because I know Bryce, and he's just like Abby: stubborn. I get my coffee and head towards the desk.   
  
"Hey Frank, have you seen Abby?"   
  
I need to talk to her. Not about us. About Bryce and me. I didn't want to loose him. He's such a great kid. And even though we never worked out. Or never will work out. I don't know what to make of it anymore. I just don't want Bryce to get hurt. We can always work something out. He deserves more than an ended friendship and trust because I cannot get over what's holding me back.   
  
"She's not on yet. Try the roof."   
  
I throw my coffee away, I don't want it anymore. It's cold and takes worse than it usually does. I head towards the stairs, the easier and faster way up. I push the door open at the top, and a rush of cold,brisk wind hits me straight in the face, waking me up entirely. It's morning, but the sun isn't up yet, and probably won't be up for a good couple hours. This is Chicago we're talking about. We should be happy if the sun ever comes up for longer than ten minutes. I see her silhoutte against the city, and start to head towards her. I just don't know what I"m supposed to say. If I'm supposed to apologize, or yell, or scream. I mean I know what I said to her last night. But it's hard to hate her. I can't hate her. It's impossible. I can try, but it'll never work.   
  
"What did you tell Bryce?"   
  
So I hadn't meant for to come out that strongly, but it's been a long night.   
  
"Nothing that he didn't deserve to know."   
  
She responds with the same tone, the same pent up anger.   
  
"Why the hell do you want to keep on punishing him?"   
  
She finally turned around and looked at me, giving me this look of pure hate.   
  
"The only thing I ever did wrong was let him get close to you."   
  
I start to shake my head. This woman is unbelieveable.   
  
"And you..."  
  
I added it quietly. It just fit.   
  
"The biggest mistake of my life."   
  
She's turned around now, her back facing me.   
  
"You obviously didn't think that a few days ago..."   
  
I watch her throw her cigarette over the edge of the building. I haven't yet seen her smoke. I hadn't noticed it until now either.   
  
"I thought you were different. Obviously I proved myself wrong."   
  
I pull my lab coat closer around me. It's freezing up here, and I didn't bring a coat.   
  
"In what ways, Abby?"   
  
I throw the question out at her, but I get no response.   
  
"Just keep away from my son."   
  
That would be impossible.   
  
"I can't."   
  
She turns back around, leaning against the railing.   
  
"Don't you think you've done enough damage? Don't you think he's been through enough?"   
  
I haven't done any damage. At least I don't think I have. I love the kid. I wouldn't do anything to hurt him.   
  
"The only damage he has to live with is you as a mother."   
  
I know I've hit tender ground since she instantly turns around and starts to move away from me.   
  
"Fuck you, Carter."   
  
I deserved that. I start moving closer to her.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
She looks back up at me.   
  
"No, you're right. I've fucked up my son's life more than ever because I love him. And only because I love him am I asking you to stay away from him. I'm the one that's been there for ten fucking years of his life. I'm the one that gave birth to him. I'm the one that wished half the time I didn't have him because I knew I would screw up being a mother. But that's none of your concern, now is it, since you can waltz out of our lives in a heartbeat, and I'm the one that's left to put the pieces back together. What the hell do you know about heartbreak and pain?"   
  
She shoots it out at me as a rhetorical question. I bother not to answer. I'm terrified to answer.   
  
"Now, more than ever, do I wish I never had him. The only person that would be hurting right now is me."   
  
I take a breathe. I just can't keep holding in everything anymore.   
  
"So what are you assuming that I"m a heartless, cruel bastard who's only mission in life is to hurt you?"   
  
She rolls her eyes.   
  
"Yeah.. That sounds about right."  
  
I hear her low smirk.   
  
" I'm hurting more than you would ever believe because, regardless of what you may think, I love that kid more than anything in this world."  
  
I hear another sigh from her.   
  
"Bullshit."   
  
I run my hands through my hair. Never have I had this type of argument before in my life.   
  
"Just because you're fucked up doesn't mean your son has to be, too."   
  
I'm screaming at this point. Anything to get through to her. Anything.   
  
"I'm the fucked up one? It's always me. And your always the perfect one, right?"   
  
I'm trying to control my temper. I can't keep doing this.   
  
"No. I never said that."   
  
I see her turn away from me.   
  
"I wish I had never met you."   
  
It feels like a thousand knives stabbing me everywhere on my body.   
  
"The feeling's mutual."   
  
I turn back around and see Bryce standing near the stairs, eyes red from crying. I start to head over to him, and Abby does the same. She gets in front of me, heading towards him.   
  
"Bryce..."   
  
He turns away from her, shoving her off. I just stand and watch. I can't do anything because it wouldn't make a difference.   
  
"Get away from me. You don't want me..."   
  
He looks at me. The same look he gave Abby a few minutes ago.   
  
"I hate you... I hate you both."   
  
We both stand in shock. He opens the door to the stairs and starts running down them. We hear his sobs from behind the closed door. I watch her collapse on the gravel roof, her body shaking from the tears and the cold. I had the sudden urge to hold her, to comfort her, to tell her everything would be okay. But I didn't do it. I started off after Bryce.   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"Where the fuck is my son?" I try to stay calm but I can't.   
  
"He ran away." He states this as though he's talking about women's curling.  
  
"He ran away?" I walk towards him.   
  
"That's what I said!" He stands up   
  
"Where'd he go" I clench my jaw.  
  
"How the fuck do I know? Am I with him?" He tosses his coffee cup into the trash,   
  
(this is Abby's POV for those who didn't know)  
  
Please review! Thanks! 


	35. finding

Authors Note- I know these last couple of Chapters have been fairly angsty, but stick with it... I promise you will not regret it... Just hang in there, I will be updating tomorrow during my break in between classes! Thanks for reading and reviewing!  
  
~*~   
  
Shit, I pull myself off of the cold, hard cement trying to pull myself together, quite unsuccessfully I might add. I push my fallen hair out of my eyes, and clip it back into my pony tail. Ugh, I head towards the door, enough about me, I have to get to Bryce. It has to be me to talk to him, not Carter, not anymore. I head down the stairs grabbing onto the hand rail for dear life. I make it onto the surgical floor and head for the elevator. I manage to make it just in time, the elevator closes just as I make it in. A tall man in a suit looks at me funny and I realize my make up is probably running, oh who the hell cares. I get out of the elevator, no Carter or Bryce insight. I walk quickly towards the entrance, "Your kid ran away." Frank called after me. I turn around, god I hope Carter is with him.   
  
"With Carter right?" I gulp. He shakes his head no.   
  
"Carter's in the lounge. Weaver wouldn't let him go." I rush towards the lounge, there he sits, he looks defeated. "Where the fuck is my son?" I try to stay calm but I can't. He looks up at me. "He ran away." He states this as though he's talking about women's curling. "He ran away?" I walk towards him.   
  
"That's what I said!" He stands up from the table and slams his chair in.  
  
"Where'd he go" I clench my jaw.  
  
"How the fuck do I know? Am I with him?" He tosses his coffee cup into the trash, I hate this. "Which way did he go? How come you didn't follow him?" He walks over to his locker, and I follow him. "I don't know Abby, he was ahead of me, I didn't see him leave and Frank gave me a shitty description of what happened to him." He slams his locker door shut. "I tried to find him, but Kerry wouldn't let me go." I kick at the ground.   
  
"Do me a favour would you? Stay the hell away from him." He scoffs at this. "No I'm serious I've said it before, but this time, I mean it... I don't want you near my kid, look what happens when you are." I turn on my heels to leave but not before he can come up with a slick Carter like comment. "That's right Abby, go ahead blame all of your problems on me. You know none of this is your fault cause you are just SO perfect. You have done this okay? You took me away from him. You jumped to conclusions about me and my feelings for you and Bryce that weren't even true-" I Cut him off I can't hear this anymore. "Fuck you." I spit. I leave the lounge and go to try and find my son. I'll try my place, Sam's and god I don't know where after that.   
  
~*~   
  
"So you haven't heard from him?" I sigh. "Okay thanks Matty." I say hanging up. He's not at Sam's, or any of his friends houses. I've called everyone accept Richard. He wouldn't go there? Would he. I don't think so. I mean he hates me, but he hates Richard more. Maybe Carter is hiding him out from me. I am so worried. Sam and Alex have been looking at his favourite spots, everyone at the hospital are keeping their eyes peeled for him. I just, I feel so helpless I guess. Maybe I should search my building, I wonder if he went on the roof here? I should bring my cell just in case though.   
  
The cold Chicago wind hits me as soon as I open the door to the roof. I walk up cold, and don't see him anywhere. I am out of idea's now. I feel so, I just. I don't know what to do. I guess I only have one option left. Richard. I flip my phone open about to dial, when it starts to ring. "Hello?" I say quite hopeful.  
  
"Abby-" Its Susan.  
  
"Yeah." I am very eager.  
  
"Hey, we found Bryce." She tells me. A wave of relief washes over me. I sigh and can f eel tears coming to my eyes. "Where was he?"   
  
"Pratt's." She answers simply.  
  
"Pratt's?" I repeat.   
  
"Mmhmm." She replies. "He lives on Davis. Apartment 304." I slam the phone down and run to my car. I have to see him. I am glad carter is working, I need to see my son. Just me. No more Carter he is out of our lives for good. I think I am going to stay single for the rest of my life. Maybe have irregular sex with my friend Ted, but the rest of my life will be devoted to Bryce, making him happy. Well that's what I think now. I love my son, I need to make things right, we have to learn to understand each other. I park my car and jump out running towards him building. I push the buzzer button for 304. "Hey"  
  
"Hi." I say tiredly. He lets me up, and I rush towards the elevator. He will probably be quite hostile towards me. I wonder one thing though. Why Pratt's? I walk towards his door and knock. Pratt smiles at me, as he opens it. "Come on in." He smiles charmingly. I walk in, and Bryce is channel surfing look pissed off. Pratt leaves the room so we can talk, I feel like an intruder. I sit next to him. "Running away is your thing now?" He doesn't look at me, "Why are you here?" Is all he manages to say.  
  
"Because the love of my life was missing." I say with a smile.  
  
"I didn't know Elton John went AWOL." He cracks. I half smile at this.  
  
"I know you're mad at me. I didn't mean I don't want you. I do, I just wish-"  
  
"Mom- I don't want to do this. All we ever do is fight. All you and Carter ever seem to do is fight, or try to have sex." He sighs. That is a tough one to take but its true. "I'm just sick of it all. I wanted you guys to be together so bad, now I just wish you weren't. I wish you were a normal couple. But your not." He takes his hat off and looks at me. He shakes his head. "I am sorry. I love you. But, you can't do this. You can't run from your problems." I explain.  
  
"Why you do!" He spits back.  
  
"I'm not going to anymore. We're going to work together as a team. Can you do that? For me at least?" He shrugs and nods his head yes. I wrap my arms around his tiny body pulling him into a hug.  
  
~*~  
  
"Brush your teeth and we will talk more in the morning." I say getting up from the couch. We have spent the better part of an hour, laughing, fighting and sighing. Now its time for me to relax and Bryce to go to bed. He runs off towards the washroom. I walk into the kitchen, the buzzer going off drags me back into the living room. "Yeah-"   
  
"Abby- It's me. Bryce forgot his back pack." I push the button and let him up. I'll just get Bryce's bag then he can leave. He knocks at the door and I open it. "Hey." I grab for his bag. "Thanks." I mumble.  
  
"He's okay?" He asks, obviously concerned.   
  
"Uh- yeah, pissed, but okay."   
  
"Oh-" he sighs.   
  
"Look, you better go, because I don't want this to happen. I don't want you to break his heart. Okay- Just go." I say pushing him out...   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
Its short for this chapter, but I hope its enough to tide you over till I post the next chapter probably tomorrow during the day!  
  
Carter: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I said to you, for the way I acted. For everything. I just.. I would do anything to go back to the way we were before. And I know that's impossible. I know you hate me.. You have good reason to. But you need to know, I never meant to hurt you." 


	36. Using more force

Authors Note: As promised here is another chapter. I probably post another chapter tonight, but after that I will go back to posting one day, around the same time I am posting this. The reason for this, is because we have made I think 2 Christmas chapters and it would be nice to post that closer to Christmas, and then over the break we will hopefully get a chance to write LOTS more chapters. We are at Chapter 55 YAY!!! we love writing this fic, and we hope you guys love reading it just as much. So after Christmas, we will be doing more frequent updates again!!!!  
  
~*~  
  
I hear Bryce's voice over Abby's incessant tone. He's in his pyjamas, probably heading to bed. I give him a smile, and he starts heading over towards me, pushing his way around Abby. I grab him in a hug, and he holds on tighter.   
  
"You gave us quite a scare..."   
  
He doesn't move, he just keeps on holding on to me. I'd rather he doesn't let go. I cannot bear to have him hurt again. Even though I'm probably a source of some of that pain. I see Abby's hand ruffle his hair, and instruct him to go to bed. He still doesn't let go. I hear her yell his name, a little bit more forceful.  
  
"Bryce, listen to your mom, okay?"   
  
He starts to nod his head, and I give him a kiss. He starts to look up at me.   
  
"Carter, can I go with you?"   
  
I slowly look up at Abby, and I see a look of pain and hurt on her face. She quickly covers it though. Typical Abby. I shake my head. As much as I wish he could.   
  
"Sorry, but your mom would miss you too much."   
  
He starts to back away from Abby again.   
  
"She wouldn't care. She didn't want me anyway."   
  
I really don't know what to say. I know my parents didn't want me. But it's got to be ten times worse if you hear them say it. And I know she wasn't serious. In her moment of rage. She loves him too much.   
  
"Bryce, I thought we had talked?"   
  
I look at her, she finally said something.   
  
"We did... But it doesn't fix everything.."   
  
The eerie silence hit us, the three of us. Especially me and Abby. Bryce wasn't the guilty party. He wasn't supposed to be involved at all. I give him a last quick hug, and I push him off towards the door.   
  
"Go to bed. We'll get together tomorrow, okay?"   
  
I watch him reluctantly turn towards the door and Abby. She started to turn in, following him. I walked up to her quickly, grabbing her arm, pulling her into the hallway. I shut the door and looked at her. She didn't look happy. At all. She was holding the place where I had grabbed her, as if my touch was fire and it was burning her.   
  
"We can't keep doing this."   
  
She looks out into space, avoiding my gaze.   
  
"Then stop."   
  
She sounded like a three year old. I understand she's tired and worn out. I understand she's been through more this past week than she probably has in her whole life, but it doesn't mean that she has to act like such a child.   
  
"Stop acting like such a bitch."   
  
I could have chosen different words. But I didn't make the effort to do so.   
  
"I don't need this.."   
  
She starts to head back to her door, but I hold her. No. We're getting this sorted out. We're talking. If I have to tie her down to a damn chair and force her to.   
  
"Stop running away. Just stop running away."   
  
She stops and looks at me. Hate is pure in her brown eyes.   
  
"What the hell do you want?"   
  
I take a deep breathe, I need to control myself because I know this can go in a completely opposite direction.   
  
"I'm not leaving Bryce."   
  
She rolls her eyes at me.   
  
"That decision is not up to you."   
  
She's tired. I can tell from the sound of her voice, her actions.   
  
"You're right. It's Bryce's."   
  
She starts to shake her head. But she stops.   
  
"What do you want, from me?"   
  
She stresses the from me part. I wish I could tell her what I really want to. I wish I could. It's so hard. It's so much. It's so fast. I can't stop thinking about her. About us. About the last few weeks. It's a blur, but a happy blur. Then the pain sticks out like an outlier. Out for the world to see.   
  
"I want you to listen to me. To try to understand me."   
  
She hesitates before giving me a forced 'fine'. She probably knows I'm not going to let her go anywhere before I say what I want. But the thing is, I really don't know what I want to say to her.   
  
"I"m sorry. I'm sorry for what I said to you, for the way I acted. For everything. I just.. I would do anything to go back to the way we were before."   
  
She's looking at the painting on the wall, her body turned slightly to the left, her arms crossed protectively in front of her. I don't get a response from me.   
  
"And I know that's impossible. I know you hate me.. You have good reason to. But you need to know, I never meant to hurt you."   
  
I don't get a response from her. It's as if she was frozen and I was talking to brick wall. I think I would have gotten a better response from a brick wall. I turn around and start heading toward the stairs.  
  
"I knew."   
  
I stop and wait for a second. I don't know if I'm hearing things or if I'm dreaming. I turn around, worried that what I just heard was my own heart's illusion, but I guess its not. I look at her, and she locks gazes for a minute, then she runs her hand through her hair, concentrating on a pattern on the floor. I start to move back closer to her. The awkward silence that had been before, came again. And neither one of us knew what to do. It's like that magnetic force with the opposite poles. Opposites attract. Love is stronger. I look at her. Her head was in her hand, holding the hair out of her face. She looked like she had already falling into a deep black hole with no way out. She's holding on, she's trying to hold on, but I know she's not strong enough. I don't expect her to be. I walk up to her, and place my hand on her shoulder. She pushes me away, but I'm not giving up just yet. I try again and I'm met with no resistance. I push the hair out of her face and she looks up at me. I don't know what to read from her. I can't. I delicately pull her in towards me, and her head finds its usual spot on my chest. And she's breathing heavily, shaking.   
  
I stand there holding her for eternity. I was afraid to let her go. I kiss her lightly on the head, but she's not moving. She's zoned out, lost, alone. I just want to be there. I just want to hold her. Nothing else matters to me. She spontaneously pushes me away. She heads back to her room. She doesn't look at me. I don't' understand her anymore. Is there anything I can do to get through to her that I love her? Yeah. I just realized it. I've known it from the first day that I saw her. I love her.   
  
And she hates me.   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
Sorry the preview is so short, longer next time I promise!  
  
'He starts to laugh, he has this laugh, that is just so I don't know sexy? Can a laugh be sexy? If it can his is. It's deep, and quiet, but not too quiet.' 


	37. I don't really want you

~*~  
  
I feel like my life is falling apart, and there is nothing I can do about it. My son would rather be with someone he has known for three months then someone who has been there and loved him his whole life. I guess I resent Carter for this. Its not his fault Bryce adores him, but I can't help but have a bit of hate for this man. Maybe a lot of hate. He hurt me too. I really thought I was falling for him. I thought he was the one. That's the last time I listen to my gut. It felt so nice being held by him tonight, but I just can't let down my guard for him. Not anymore. Not after, I felt I gave him the best of me, and he jut ripped out my heart put it on the barbeque and served it to a pack of wild dogs. I just need a way to deal with all this stress, just get it all out. I sigh and flop back onto the couch thinking of ways to release my anger. Cigarettes? No, I'm quitting, again. This time for Bryce, I don't want him to pick up that filthy habit. Alcohol? Same reason as above. I chew my bottom lip and think of the only alternative option. I pick up my cordless off the coffee table, and dial the number I know off by heart. "Hello" I hear a tired voice say.  
  
"Hey..." I smile slightly at the sound of his voice.  
  
"Abby?" He seems some what interested in this conversation now.  
  
"Hey." My smile widens. God I need a friendly person who doesn't know about these last couple of months right now. "How- how have you been?" He seems quite perky right now. "Uh- good, a lot of stuff has been going on. How have you been?"   
  
"Good, missed you but good." This conversation comforts me, but makes me feel guilty, because I know I would rather be talking to someone else right now. "I've missed you too Ted, its been awhile." I nod my head as I say this.   
  
"Yeah... Too long." He says in deep thought, possibly reminiscing. "Uh- how's Bryce?" He seems uncomfortable right now. "Um, ha well, lately. He's... He is attached to this guy." I sigh.   
  
"A guy?" He laughs.  
  
"Ha, well um- This guy, Carter. I use to date him. Bryce loves him..." I scratch my forehead, "We dated for awhile, I don't know two months, Bryce- He I don't know why he is attached to this one in particular but he is."   
  
"He never liked me." Ted seems somewhat disappointed. Ted was my only real boyfriend, other then Carter of course since the divorce. He was sweet, great, perfect. Everything a girl could want for herself and her son, but Bryce he didn't like him, and I guess Ted wasn't the kind we needed. We need imperfect. Maybe that's why Bryce is so attached to Carter, he's not perfect. "He liked you..." Ted starts to laugh, he has this laugh, that is just so I don't know sexy? Can a laugh be sexy? If it can his is. It's deep, and quiet, but not too quiet. "Don't lie Abby... We dated for over a year and I thought he was going to kill me in my sleep that one night I slept over." I can't argue with that. Sometimes Bryce can get a little well, out of hand. He needs to learn that he is not going to like everyone or thing. "So this Carter guy, is he still around?" Ted asks nonchalantly.  
  
"Nah- he loves me though." I sigh, playing with my hair.   
  
"And you..."  
  
"I don't know, I just don't." I sigh. I can tell Ted is relieved by this, Ted was like Carter in the sense he would tell me he loved me over and over, and I think he still does. "Abby, you want to get some coffee tomorrow?" Ted asks out of the blue. "Yeah, yeah I would."   
  
~*~  
  
"You want to go for some lunch?" I look up at Susan, who throws at chart at me...   
  
Crabs? Yuck, thanks Susan. "Uh- I can't, not that the description of this women's crabs didn't get me hungry, but I have plans."   
  
"Oh?" Susan seems very curious and Sam walks up just in time to get in on this.   
  
"What are we ohing about?" She also hands me a chart. Foot fungus? Yummy.   
  
"Abby has a date!" Susan beams.  
  
"Oh?" Sam says just as enthusiastically as Susan.  
  
"It's not a date." I can feel my cheeks get very hot.  
  
"With Carter?" Susan pushes. I flip through each chart and walk around to the drop off for the charts, and dump both of them in the bin. "No, my ex boyfriend, Ted." I smile, walking away to go on my 'date' leaving them in awe. Ted and I decided we would meet at Ike's, he was curious as to what the hospital I was now working at was like. Ted's a doctor too. A surgeon actually, he's a very smart guy. I run through harsh winds, and make it to Ike's with only a runny nose. I whip into the washroom quickly to freshen up, when I emerge I see Ted, he's seated by the window. His jet black hair is spiked up, he's Italian and so sexy. I am not sure to this day as to why we really broke up. He spots me, I walk towards him, as he pulls me into a big hug, rocking me gently back and forth. "It's been too long." He comments pulling away. I nod at him, tucking my hair behind my ears nervously. "I know."   
  
"You- you look great." He smiles widely.   
  
"So do you," I sit down across from him. The restaurant is nice and quiet.   
  
"So you're single right?" He laughs.  
  
"Ha- um yeah." I blush some more. Maybe I really am meant to be with Ted, not Carter. If so why do I keep thinking of Carter? I'm so stupid.... I just have to enjoy this moment.   
  
"Good... So am I!" He wiggles his eye brows. What a chump. "Bryce is staying out of trouble?" He always goes back to Bryce, its like he thinks that talking about him will make Bryce like him even though he is not around. "Yeah, for the most part. Just running away. Going to Doctors houses that I don't really know or like." I laugh.  
  
"Yeah, he's a good kid though." He keeps looking at me, never breaking eye contact.   
  
"Yeah he is." Sometimes it feels as though I am I saying it to reassure myself not other people. I look around the restaurant, as the waitress approached us. "Would you like anything to drink?" She munches on her gum and looks at us bored.  
  
"Uh- just a coke." I say.  
  
"Make that two." Ted adds. The waitress leaves us and my eyes dart around the restaurant, I look at the take out centre and lift my menu up to shadow my face from an unwelcome visitor. "Wh- what are you doing?" Ted is laughing hard.  
  
"SHHH!" He looks at me weirdly. "Do you know that guy?" He asks pointing at Carter. Ted slowly reaches over and takes my menu away, I see Carter look over at us, just as Ted does this. Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong right now? A look of hurt washes over his face. He walks over slowly, I am quite frightened as to what he might say. "Hey Abby." Carter is always polite, so he probably won't freak out on me, but one can never know. "Hey John." His eyes meet Ted's I can feel the tension, both of their jaws clench. "John this is my friend Ted." Ted stands up and extends his hand to Carter. Carter takes it, they have an evil look on their faces. "I use to work with and date Abby." Ted laugh uncomfortably. Carter nods. "Yeah, well..." He doesn't know what to say. This is so uncomfortable. "Order 13." The lady calls from the counter. "That's me." Carter says turning to walk away, but before he does... "I'll pick Bryce up at eight." He spits, he shakes his head, and looks upset as he leaves the restaurant.   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"What happened between you and mom?"   
  
"If I knew, I would have fixed it already."   
  
"So... Do you think..." (refering if his mom and Carter will get back together)   
  
"I don't know, Bryce. Your mom looked pretty happy today with Ted."   
  
I whisper the last words of my statement, somehow hoping they weren't true.   
  
"But I don't want Ted. I want you." 


	38. conversing

Authors Note- Howdy all!!! Okay, so I am a geek! Hehe, here is chapter what are we at now 38? Amazing! Anyways, I know we have some folks who are pushing for Carby Fuzz and are sorta itching to get away from the angst, well I think we start something right here... So take a look tell me what you think! Please read and review!!!! Oh and about the obession with the 'F-word', you may find it more in mine I'm not really sure though hehe, but we both have an obession with that word for the mean time. We will try to keep it out of the fic as much as possible. I can't help it though, it can be very powerful at moments lol. Anyways crude or not, we hope you like the fic, and you find something in the fic that you don't like or offends you just send an email or leave it in your review and we will do our best to switch that up abit!!!!   
  
I show up at Abby's door, waiting to pick Bryce up. I promised him we could go out and do something tonight. I really hadn't planned anything so whatever he was up for, I was game. I've had a long day. Too long of a day, and the last thing I needed to the awkwardness between Abby and me. I could feel it all through work. I ended up leaving her, mid-trauma, because I couldn't be in there. I didn't expect to see her. I mean I know I shouldn't be jumping to conclusions. But he was her ex-boyfriend. And they obviously seemed happy and content with each other. I don't know what I"m supposed to think. The door finally opens and Abby's standing there, in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. Bryce comes running towards me, coat in hand. I give him a hug, and I choose to ignore Abby. Or the voice inside the apartment. I refuse to even think about who it is, and what they might be doing. We never got to it. The first time is the most memorable, the most important, the point where you either make it or break it. And we never got to that point because it wasn't right. And they had, just by looking at them. God knows what they might be doing while Bryce and I are away. Bryce doesn't look too happy either. I look up at Abby, who's extremely tempted to get back into the apartment.   
  
"How about Bryce stays the night with me? It's late, and maybe we can just go to my place, and swim for a while or something. I can drop him off at school in the morning."   
  
I watch her mentally debate with herself. I know she wants to say yes. I also know she wants to punish me and say no. She looks behind her for a second, and I see Ted standing in her doorway. She turns back around and nods her head yes. I hear a sigh of relief from Bryce, and his mood instantly lightens.   
  
"Come on, kiddo. Let's go."   
  
He kisses Abby good bye and doesn't acknowledge Ted's reply. We start heading towards the L since I hate driving to work. The rush hour traffic on the Dan Ryan or the Kennedy is unbearable. We walk in silence for a while, until Bryce decides to break it.   
  
"I hate him."   
  
I look at him, and he's got this unusual expression on his face.   
  
"Who?"   
  
Of course I knew the answer. I just wanted to make sure.   
  
"Ted."   
  
I wanted to know more about them. It was eating me alive from inside. But I couldn't. I knew I would end up regretting it the next day. We got onto the train and we chatted about hockey scores and basketball plays. The usual stuff. We got home, and we decided to take a quick swim, then watch a movie. The pool was heated so it was really nice and we both relaxed on floating rafts.   
  
"Carter?"   
  
I scan the water, and find him behind me.   
  
"What's up?"   
  
He paddles his way towards me, and we both being heading towards the edge to get out.   
  
"What happened between you and mom?"   
  
I take a second to think, and I don't know. I just don't know. I shrug my shoulders and it doesn't' seem to satisfy him.   
  
"If I knew, I would have fixed it already."   
  
He pulls the towel over his head and heads upstairs to change. I do the same a few moments later. But I cannot stop thinking. What happened between me and Abby? Everything had been going so great, and even through the roughest times we had stuck together. So what if it hadn't been a long time? It had been the best time of his life. I change and head back downstairs. I end up meeting Bryce in the kitchen.   
  
"Do you mind if I just go to bed? I'm tired."   
  
I shake my head.   
  
"No, it's fine."   
  
I walk back upstairs with him, and make sure he's comfortable and settled before I leave him alone. I head back down to the den, and I find something to do for a while. It's only about 9:30 and I'm wide awake. I lie down on the couch and close my eyes. After a few minutes, I hear rustling footsteps.   
  
"Couldn't sleep?"   
  
He sits down the sofa across from me.   
  
"I'm tired but I can't sleep."   
  
I give him a small laugh. I know that feeling too well.  
  
"Give your body time to relax."   
  
He spreads out on the sofa and gets comfortable.   
  
"So what were you thinking about?"   
  
I close my eyes again, and lean my head back.   
  
"As if it wasn't obvious enough?"   
  
He starts to laugh, and I shoot him smile.   
  
"So... Do you think..."   
  
I know what he's going to ask. And I don't' know if I can give him an answer.   
  
"I don't know, Bryce. Your mom looked pretty happy today with Ted."   
  
I whisper the last words of my statement, somehow hoping they weren't true.   
  
"But I don't want Ted. I want you."   
  
I look back at him. I love this kid. I really truly do.   
  
"I know Bryce. But it's not that easy."   
  
Bryce had begun to sit up.   
  
"What's so hard? You love mom, mom loves you. Done deal."   
  
He seems so motivated, so determined. And I'm only bringing him down.   
  
"You've got to think about your mom in this. She doesn't... She knows what she wants."   
  
He's starting to get agitated now.   
  
"And she married Richard. And look how that turned out."   
  
I ran my hand through my hair. This was going out of control, for me at least.   
  
"Bryce, listen to me. If there was anything I could do to change things, then I would. But there's not. You've just got to realize that your mother and I are never going to be together. We're not right for each other."   
  
The biggest beyond biggest lie I have ever had to say.   
  
"Do you love her?"   
  
That was thrown at me, completely off guard. I want to lie to him. I want to lie to him so badly. So maybe he can start to get over the fact that we're not going to work out, so he can help me get over it. I probably never will anyway. I had my one chance. And I blew it.   
  
"Carter, do you love her?"  
  
I shake my head no gently. He starts to get up and heads towards the door.   
  
"Liar."  
  
The door slams behind me, and I hear him pound his way up the stairs. This is going to be one long night. Why do I get the feeling I've just been taught a lesson by a ten year old about love? And why does he have a point? I knew the road from hate to love was rocky. And I thought it could only happen once. I was wrong. It gets worse the second time around. And I don't think I'm ready to go back to hate. I can't give up. But that choice is only half mine. The other half belongs to the woman that holds my heart in her hands. And decides to tear it apart slowly and carefully, paying attention to every small detail.   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
Carter- "What happened with you and Ted?" His jaw is clenched.  
  
Abby- "We had sex." He shakes his head, and releases a bitter laugh. "What, you're mad now? You are ashamed and mad. We weren't even together, not now not then." 


	39. The first cut is the deepest

Authors Note- Okay, so I guess I lied, instead of saying Fuzz I should have said 'the beginning!' Okay I think we get some where with this chapter. I think. Just read and please review- just a note, i love the reviews that are all about hating Ted, hehe I got the funniest one haha musta taken alotta work to write I hate TED a billion times, but it was enjoyable ... heres the chapter...  
  
I realise I name this chapter after Sheryl Crows Song... I was listening to it while posting lol!! Next chapter We'll try to start responding to reviews... Thanks so much for reviewing, they make our days!  
  
I'm lying in bed next to one of the most gorgeous men I have ever laid eyes on. Sam and Susan saw him earlier, I thought they were going to pass out just from one look at him. He loves me, he loves my son, although my son may not love him. So why do I feel so... Gross. I pull the sheet up closer around my body, his chest rises and falls. God I wish I could sleep, just sleep away all this confusion. He rolls over and his arm lands on my stomach. I sigh, this is not what I want, I mean Ted, he's great, and the sex was like, Oh My GOD! I have needed that for so long, so why when I was doing it, did I feel so dirty? I wasn't even thinking about Ted, I was thinking about Carter. The sex wasn't as good as it could of been if it was with... I'm doing it again.   
  
Right after sex Ted feel asleep. No cuddling, or anything. With Car-, oh boy. I have to stop thinking about him. I don't love him. I don't love him. I don't love him. I roll over and look at Ted. He's great, but not the one. I just wanted a casual fuck, next time I choose someone who doesn't have emotional ties to me.   
  
~*~  
  
"Let's go... I have to be at work for Four." I say rushing Bryce. I went and picked him up from school today, that's rare for me. He is still angry at me. He seems overly hostile today though. "What's wrong?" I ask reaching for his hand as we cross the street.  
  
"Nothing." He says dryly. I look down at him, he is walking slower then usual, I sigh, and stop. I reach down and zip his jacket up and fix his hat. "Bryce... Did something happen at school?" I ask, he walk away from me in a huff.  
  
"At Carters?" I yell chasing after him.   
  
"Why can't you two just be together?" He throws his hands in the air.   
  
"Bryce... You have to know something." I walk closer to him. "Carter loves you, I love you. We may not be together, but we are-" I take a deep breath and close my eyes, I can say this. "We are your parents Bryce." I knew no matter what, that Carter would be there for Bryce and if I were to die tomorrow he would be the guy I would want to take my son. He swallows then looks me in the eye. "Okay. I just know how in love you are-"  
  
"Bryce," I stop him, smiling soothingly, "This isn't your problem, Carter and I are going to do everything in our power to build a friendship, or at least a truce, okay?" He smiles at me, I grab his hand and walk towards the hospital now. "Maybe you guys can make your truce today?" Bryce adds nonchalantly...   
  
"Bryce-" I snap.  
  
"I'm just saying, he's working- you're working." "Bryce Rupert!" He raises his hands surrendering.   
  
I pull him into the hospital, him laughing. I miss this sort of relationship with my son, its refreshing to be the one who makes him laugh not cry. We walk into the lounge, Bryce still yammering on how Carter could come over for dinner, Christmas dinner even. I might have to invite him to that, I know Bryce will want to spend some time with Carter over Christmas, but who knows. Bryce swings open the lounge doors. "Mom? Mom are you listening to me?" I look down at him,   
  
"Of course." He rolls his eyes at me, and spots Carter sitting on the couch reading a paper and drinking coffee. "Hey Carter!" Hey says nervously. I know something went on between these two last night, and I have a feeling it has something to do with Carter and my relationship. "Hey Bryce." He pulls his paper down a little, smiling at him. "Mom, has to work today, so I am stuck here." He sighs plopping down next to John. "But, next week Uncle Eric is coming down for Christmas, so I won't have to come in here as often." Carter laughs... I walk over to my locker, I have another ten minutes until I start my shift, I was going to sit in here and go over some medical books, but I could always do that at admit. "Bryce." We all look over to see Alex storming into the lounge, "Let's go get ice cream." Alex has a mischievous smile on his face, as though he is up to something and ice cream is just a cover up, Bryce looks at me, eyes wide, I nod for him to go, although I know they are up to something Bryce has had a bad last couple of weeks so this will be nice for him. I watch as they scurry out the door. I look over at Carter that minute, I want to know what happened between he and Bryce last night. He looks up from his paper. "What?" He's not being very friendly.   
  
"What happened?" He raises his eye brows at me, not knowing what I am talking about.  
  
"What happened with what?" His paper is now on the table beside the couch.  
  
"With you and Bryce last night..." He shrugs and reaches for his paper, I know he wants to avoid this, but I really need to know. I reach out and grab his arm placing it in his lap. "John-" I say softly.  
  
"It was over you okay?" He says forcefully, getting up off the couch. "Are you happy now? Your son is miserable, because you won't open up... But you know as long as it makes Abby happy."   
  
"Must we always fight?" I shout  
  
"Well there is no other way to get through to you!" He hollers.  
  
"How would you know? You haven't tried anything else!" I grit my teeth. "Maybe-" I lower my voice. "Maybe if you just gave me time, you need everything now, right when you want it. I'm not use to this whole 'I love you' thing, not with men. Not when it comes to dealing with my heart." He nods, I think he might understand.  
  
"Sometimes, its not always about what you need or want Abby." He shakes his head, I think he is going to leave, please don't leave John, he turns towards the door. I have one chance. One only. "Okay- fine lets talk!" I state firmly. He turns to look at me shocked. "Okay." He walks towards me, and we walk towards the couch, he puts his hand on the small of my back, god I love it when he touches me... anywhere. I sit down first and he stares at me intently. "What?" I am getting a bit uncomfortable with all the staring.   
  
"What happened with you and Ted?" His jaw is clenched.  
  
"Carter-"  
  
"No Abby. You know what happened between Bryce and I, and frankly I think that's a minor detail to compared to what I KNOW I am about to hear." He raises his voice a bit. "Fine, I guess you deserve to know." He nods his head in agreement.  
  
"We had sex." He shakes his head, and releases a bitter laugh. "What, you're mad now? You are ashamed and mad. We weren't even together, not now not then."   
  
"So if you have no feelings for me then why the fuck are we sitting here right now?" He asks a good question.   
  
"I- I,"   
  
"That's what I thought." His head drops and he start to shake it again.  
  
"I never said I didn't have feelings for you."   
  
"If you have feelings for me why would you sleep with someone else?"  
  
"I don't know, I'm lonely, scared, hurt. I don't know what the hell is going on between us, up until now all we ever did was fight. We never talked about us, not even when we were together, it was always Bryce."   
  
"So you sleeping with someone else-"  
  
"Don't say it like I committed infidelity. Because, I did not." I say angry.  
  
"Then why does it feel like you did?" I can tell he is hurting bad, I can't blame him. I don't know what I would do if I found out he slept with another women. "Do you love me?" He looks me in the eye. "What?"   
  
"Well, I need to know, is this going anywhere? Or are we just running in circles, because to be honest with you Abby I am tired of running."   
  
"I- I" "Yeah, well-"  
  
"Carter-" I reach for his hand, but he pulls away.   
  
"No- Just, I need to move on. I love Bryce, I will never get over him. He's like my child, but you. To you my heart is just like a toy. Like one of those Tonka trucks I had when I was little I thought it was funny to smash it into the wall over and over again, and one day the truck just went- ka boom!" He pause for a second. "Bye Abby." He smiles, but I can tell he's hurt. "I can't play this game." I wipe the tears from my eyes. He stands up and places a small kiss on my head. "We are over. No watching you, wanting you. I still- I want to hang out with Bryce- We are just, well just I don't know." I am almost full on crying, but I am trying to hold it all in. "Bye." He says as he walks through the door.  
  
"I love you." I whisper when he is gone.   
  
***PREVIEW*** 


	40. Talk yup thats as creative as I get!

Authors Note- Just a few things, first I'm really sorry about the preview. I didn't get one up yesterday, i thought I fixed it but obviously I didn't lol. Anyways there IS one for this chapter, so take a peek. Also I realise some people are not to happy with the way the fic is going, but we do our best, and what kind of fic would it be if it was just happy, happy, happy? Kinda boring to read and write. Another thing, I don't know if I will be able to get an update up tomorrow, its in the air. I have a packed schedule, but I will do my best, just in case I can't I will put another chapter up tonight!   
  
~*~  
  
I walk out the door. I don't know why I always walk away. I always blame her for locking herself up, for running away. And I do the same damn thing. We're both to blame. We're both exactly the same and too blind to see it. I don't want to give up. I can't forget her. Then why the hell do I never manage to tell her those things. It's like a war within myself. I'm thinking the opposite of what I'm saying. I realize I haven't moved from my position against the wall. I could go back in there. I could go back in there and tell her everything. Everything. How I feel. What I want. But I'm afraid to. I'm so scared she's going to reject me, or hurt me. She already has. In so many ways its unbelievable. But I will always go back to her, because she has this magnetic force around her.  
  
I can't stop thinking about her. My days revolve around her, and my nights thinking about her. I've been the happiest man alive with her, and the most miserable person alive without her. If I could only summon enough willpower to tell her this. My feet begin to move, but I'm not asking them to. Their doing it themselves. Great, now my mind has gone insane, and I have no control over anything anymore. I walk back into the lounge, she's still sitting the couch, lunched over, hands covering her face, and her brown hair falling down in front of her eyes. She doesn't look up. I think I might know why. I just refuse to believe she would cry over me. I reluctantly head over to her, not because I don't want to. Just because the fear that I had earlier, it has multiplied about three times. All I hope is she doesn't push me way. Because I wouldn't be able to recover. God why does she have so much control over me?   
  
I walk up closer to her, I'm standing right in front of her. She still hasn't moved. Maybe closed herself off even more. What am I doing back here? Why am I here? I shouldn't be here. I can see her face a little, and her eyes are red and swollen. She cries over Bryce. Not me. I'm nothing to her, right? I take my hand, pushing the strands of hair away from the front of her face, putting them behind her shoulders. She hugs her arms closer around her, and I just stand there for a moment. I don't know what I want to say. I don't know what I want to do. When's that body over mind force when I need it? I take my hand and pull up her chin, so I can see her face. The tears have stopped coming, but the stains still remain on her cheeks from the salt. I crouch down in front of her, since she's so short. My both my hands are both on her legs, she's keeping my balance that way. We meet gazes. She wants to break away so badly. But I don't let her. I can't let her. I lean in for a kiss. Small. Light. Delicate. Passionate. Words we would never say raged through that one kiss. I pull away and slowly get up. She's staring out at space, oblivious to the world around her. We both really don't know what happened. Especially me. I don't know what that was supposed to mean. I wait for her to figure it out, to say something. She doesn't. Neither do I. I start heading back towards the door.   
  
"Wait.."  
  
She quietly says it, unsure of herself. I stop in my spot, but I don't turn around. I hear her walk towards me, and she stands in front of me.   
  
"Don't leave..."   
  
I feel her hands find mine, our finger intertwining. She starts standing on her tip-toes, trying to reach me. I feel her lips lightly brush mine, and she collapses against me.   
  
"I won't."   
  
I run my hands up and down her back, and she just holds on to me tighter.   
  
"Tell me we're gonna be okay..."  
  
I kiss her on her forehead.   
  
"We're gonna be okay."   
  
She pulls away from me a few minutes later, and she straightens herself out.   
  
"We'll talk."   
  
I start to nod my head.   
  
"Tonight."  
  
She confirms it, and I let her go. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what to say. All I know is I can't stop smiling.   
  
~*~  
  
The day flies by, yet it seems to drag at the same time. It's like an opposite duality. All I want to do it go home, to her. Her shift ended an hour before mine, but I had Bryce. He wanted to stay with Alex for a while, so I told her I'd take him home when I left. I grabbed my coat out of my locker, and threw Bryce's at him while he walked in the door.   
  
"Ready to go?"   
  
He zippers his coat and nods his head. I grab the rest of the charts I had just finished to drop them off at the desk on our way out.   
  
"What's up with you tonight?"  
  
Bryce looks at me. Okay so yeah. Maybe I have been acting a bit more enthusiastic and happy today. But it's not exactly my fault. I push him out the door.   
  
"Go."   
  
I roll my eyes at him. He's great. I drop the charts into Susan's lap and start to head off after Bryce. The trip home took shorter than I had originally thought. But maybe that's because I've been thinking about it all day.   
  
We get inside, and Abby quickly rushes Bryce off to bed. He knows something's up. But he doesn't know if its good or bad. And he won't dare say a word. He knows when not to.   
  
We make sure he's gone, and we move towards the living room, shutting the door behind us. I don't know if this could get ugly or not. I hope not. That's the last thing I want to do tonight. She sits down next to me, but still keeping her distance. She's pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her fingers and hugging her arms closer to her body. I hate it when she does that because all it reminds me of is her closing herself off. I grab her hand and she relaxes a bit from her position, but not by much.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
How many times do we have to say that to each other. Isn't love never having to say you're sorry? I shake my head.   
  
"Don't be."   
  
She tries to pull her hand back, but I have a good grip on it.   
  
"So what's happening, between us?"   
  
She looks out at the window, as if the answer were written on it.   
  
"I don't know."   
  
We both don't know. It's always going to be like that. We are so unpredictable.   
  
"You've got to talk to me."   
  
She keeps on looking out at nothingness.   
  
"About?"   
  
I suck on my bottom lip for a few seconds.  
  
"Anything and everything that's on your mind."   
  
I watch her shrug her shoulders.   
  
"Then why am I here?"   
  
Rhetorical question. I really didn't want an answer. And I didn't want my voice to come out that stern either.   
  
"Because..."  
  
I wait for her to answer. But she doesn't finish.   
  
"Because what Abby?"  
  
She moves a bit farther away from me.   
  
"Because I don't want to give up."   
  
Silence.   
  
I move in closer and pull her in towards me. She rests her head on my shoulder.  
  
"I need you..."   
  
A barely audible whisper. Barely there. As if it was a dream. But its not. She said it. She actually said it.   
  
She lies against me, no talking. We've said enough. She's tired. Exhausted. I am too. We grab the blanket and throw it over ourselves. We aren't going to fall asleep just yet. And our conversation hadn't ended either. It'll have to wait. For a few more minutes. But actions speak louder than words. And right now, all I can feel is her heart beating in unison with mine.   
  
~~~RESPONSE TO REVIEWS~~~  
  
MrsWyle-... Support Group? Hmmm, I didn't know this story was that addicting hehe, no support group though, not yet at least haha... I'm glad you like it though!   
  
Caitlin-... I'm with you on that, Abby and Ted are annoying right now, but Ted does sound kinda hot!   
  
Honeybear1: Hey, I'm glad you like our story... we try to be different!!!  
  
Sam: Read the next five chapters.  
  
IDontWriteIJustRead: Hehe, your right, but the more heated people get over the story the more intrested they are!!! I'm glad you like the story, and you are right we have it all planned out, and many, hopefully, unexpected twists!!! Keep reading. Thanks for reviewing.   
  
Tilde8884: You won't have to beg....At least not right now. we hope this chapter and the next few fill your carby cravings!!!  
  
Kaitlin: lol we will get back there  
  
smilez4eva: Thanks! Let's hope they get even better!!!!  
  
CamilaC: Aw we love the 'I love you's', they so sweet. Hehe! Maybe next time it will be louder.   
  
CamilaC(Chap 38): Thanks we agree haha, and we love you too!!!! thanks for reviewing!  
  
Nat: DON'T CRY!!!! Don't worry, give it time, all in good time!   
  
erin: I forgot to put the preview in, but I edited it and put it in there, so it should be there now, not that you need it anymore lol. I was in a rush for that one. Never again though, promise lol. Thanks for reviewing, glad you liked it.  
  
Ashley: Ted? Whose Ted? Don't worry....  
  
kj: Carby what you want, Carby what you get!  
  
jamielyn: Sorry we lost you! We do our best, sorry its too depressing. Maybe you will read the next couple of chapters and like them.  
  
Amanda: Here you go!!!  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan: Thanks we LOVE writing Carby!  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"Can we-" He looks down at me, "Can we start over." I look him in the eye, a small smile spreads across his face. "Yeah, yeah we can." He intertwines my fingers with his. "Slow." He sighs, "We will go slow." 


	41. quaddate

Authors Note- A crappy chapter I whipped up a while back. Its more fun loving, fun for the whole family type chapter.   
  
I found a chance to update!!! YAY!!! I was home sooner then expected, so here you go!  
  
~*~  
  
"Carter?"  
  
"Mmhm?"   
  
"Can we-" He looks down at me, "Can we start over." I look him in the eye, a small smile spreads across his face. "Yeah, yeah we can." He intertwines my fingers with his. "Slow." He sighs, "We will go slow."   
  
"Isn't that what we did before?" I laugh.  
  
"True. Maybe slow doesn't work for us. So lets just go. We'll just go, and see where going takes us."   
  
"Sounds good too me!" I exclaim. Maybe we won't be in a relationship right away, but just being with him again. Admitting, to my self at least, that I love him is a step in the right direction for me. I feel his lips against my forehead, god I love being kissed and held by him. "I'd wait forever for you." He whispers into my ear.   
  
"Aw, isn't this a special moment? Really it is, but I need to interrupt." Bryce saunters in, sitting on the coffee table in front of us, smile spread across his face. "Can Dylan come over tomorrow?" I look at Carter puzzled, he shrugs, also confused.  
  
"Dylan?" I question.  
  
"Yes. Can Dylan come over tomorrow?" He pushes, his hands together, in front of his face. "Uh- sorry I work tomorrow." I apologize. Who the hell is Dylan? I've never heard his name before... oh well. He throws his head back and groans, immediately turning to Carter, Carter tosses his arms in the air. "Me too buddy. I actually start at one, and work till one."   
  
"Perfect!" Bryce leaps in the air. "Really, I have a great idea. Dylan can come to the hospital..."  
  
"How's Dylan going to get to the hospital Bryce? And do Dylan's parents want Dylan at the hospital?" I am not so sure about this, it sounds weird.  
  
"Dylan's cousin, Robby's mom works about a block from the hospital, Dylan and Robby can come for lunch then we can hang out with Carter after." Bryce explains.   
  
"Carter's sleeping after work, in fact he should probably be leaving soon." I look down at my watch 10, well he could stay longer, maybe we should try to sleep.   
  
"That's fine... Alex is coming too so-" Bryce starts.  
  
"Why don't they come to the mansion? I mean, the four of them can hang out while I'm sleeping and I can have Macy watch them." Carter offers up. I shake my head but he just rubs my shoulder laughing.   
  
"Uh- okay, I'll come over and get them after."   
  
"Or you ALL could stay for dinner." Wow, Carter is going all out. "It's Dec 22nd tomorrow, it will be like a Christmas dinner." He beams.   
  
"Uh- okay, Bryce go to bed, and call your friends."  
  
"No need to they know." He walks away from us, Carter laughs.   
  
"That kid is smooth." He pulls me in closer to himself, "We get to spend the day together tomorrow." He whispers in my ear.  
  
"Ha, with four bratty kids."   
  
"Yeah, well I have a pool and a bowling alley in my basement, and a few other things. They'll be busy."   
  
"And we are taking things SLOW!" I remind him.  
  
"Yep." We sit in silence for awhile just enjoying each others company. Its nice to be together again after so much teenage drama. I felt like I was on a soap. He pushes loose strands of hair out of my eyes, and kisses my cheek. "I missed you." He says up against my skin. "Me too." I close my eyes and enjoy the moment.  
  
~*~  
  
"Dad... I don't- Dad- Look..." Carter looks over and sighs. "No- maybe... I know its a tradition- Dad..." I wonder what they are talking about, whatever it is Carter seems to be getting all riled up about it. Luka tosses a chart in front of me. Ear infection, that's pretty simple. "Dad- I don't... I can't do that." Luka looks over at Carter too. Neither of us know what he is so upset about. His face is red and he continues to roll his eyes. "Okay," He seems to have surrendered and lost the argument. "December 24th, I'll be there." He wipes his forehead, and sighs defeated. "By myself." He scratches his forehead. "No dad, I don't-" His father seems to have cut him off.   
  
"Mom-" I look over at Bryce, his hair is gelled, and he smells... weird.  
  
"Bryce?" I asks.  
  
"Yeah, what shirt is better?" He holds up a white long sleeve shirt and a button up blue shirt. Luka starts to laugh, and Carter cracks a smile despite his recent anger. "Uh- the blue." I tell him, I raise my eye brows. He is going out with a few boys, Dylan and Robby, from school. Well Dylan is from school, Robby is Dylan's cousin. Why the hell is he getting so dressed up? He throws the shirt over the white t-shirt he already has on. His pants seem to be higher too. "Bye dad." We all look over at Carter, who has now hung up the phone. "What you up to?" He walks over to Bryce, rustling his hair, Bryce shoos his hand away angrily. "Don't Carter, geese, I worked forever on my hair." With that he storm into the lounge. Carter points to him, "I don't know." I shrug, walking over to him, he starts to walk towards a patient and I follow. "What was that?" I ask chasing after him.  
  
"I don't know, Bryce has been acting weird all-"  
  
"Not with Bryce John." I cut him off.  
  
"Oh, uh nothing. Just yah know, regular pressures." He shakes the question off.   
  
"You can tell me you know, its part of our whole new thing." I smile, he smiles back, and takes a deep breath. "Well every year they have this party on Christmas eve and I- well I was trying to get out of it this year, I even though for a moment that it wasn't going to happen since my Grandmothers death, but it is." He sighs.   
  
"And..." I push for more.  
  
"They want me to bring someone, you know they bug me every year, they were bugging me to go, since I was refusing."   
  
"I'll go." I offer. He turns and looks at me stunned.  
  
"You will?"  
  
"Sure- I mean, I can find some too look after Bryce, Eric even." I offer.  
  
"Really, you do this for me?" He seems very sceptical. I am not even sure why.  
  
"John, really." We both look over and feel eyes on us, sure enough it's Chuny, Malik and Susan gossiping. Frank and Jerry are watching from admit. All of their eyes dart around the hospital looking for other things to do. "I'm off." Frank shouts leaving.   
  
"Okay." He smiles, patting me on the arm to go look after his patients. I mean we're not together, or apart... We are taking it slow. Oh god, I'm going to meet his parents. This could be bad. But its for John, and I love him. He may not know it, but its true.   
  
"Excuse me?" I look over and see two little girls talking to Jerry, they are probably the offspring of that man who came in earlier, a hit and run. He lived. Just barley. Walking over to my patient, I hear Jerry calling my name. "Yeah?" I call.   
  
"These little girls- they are-" I walk over to them and they are smiling widely, this is weird who smiles after hearing their father was in an accident. "They're looking for Bryce and Alex." He whispers. This explains a lot, but he never mentioned anything about girls, and I am not so sure I want my son dating at the age of ten. "I'm Dylan and this is my cousin Robby." So he did mention them, he just never specified the sex. They both have boys names, this is interesting. "What's going on?" Sam walks behind us.  
  
"This is Robby and Dylan." I smirk. She looks shocked, his mouth has dropped.   
  
"I thought-"  
  
"Mhm." I nod in agreement.  
  
"Oh." Is all she manages to say.  
  
"Well, Robby and Dylan. Bryce and Alex are in the lounge."   
  
"I'll get them." Luka calls as he enters the lounge. Sam and I look at each other, oh this is not good. "Oh, my mom said we could go over to Bryce's dad's house after too." Bryce's dad? Oh right Carter. I smile slightly. "Yeah, well I think I am coming too." I add.   
  
"Me too." Sam says walking around the admit desk.   
  
"Me too, what?" Carter says dropping charts off with Susan in tow.   
  
"I am coming to your place tonight after work." Carter looks puzzled. "This is Dylan and Robby." She explains. Carter nods and starts to laugh.   
  
"Hey girls." Bryce shouts walking out of the lounge with a big smile on his face. Alex follows him nervously. Their hair is brush, and they look very nice, unlike themselves. Each one is holding a flower. A fake flower. The girls walks towards them noticing the audience. "Bye Mom." Bryce waves to me as he leaves.   
  
"No wait!" Susan shouts running over to the group with a digital camera. Everyone groans, but they huddle together and manage to make it through 3 pictures. "Only go to the cafeteria Bryce." I shout as they are about to leave.   
  
"MOM!" He whines.   
  
"I'll order in pizza." Carter offers. "You can have your date in the lounge, my shifts done in an hour then you can go bowling at my place." We all nod in agreement and the kids run into the lounge. "Were those the fake flowers from the lounge?" Susan laughs.  
  
"I think so." Luka answers with a smile on his face.   
  
"Luka, we are going to Carter's after our shift." Sam tells him.   
  
"Okay." Luka agrees, obviously not wanting to argue with her about this.   
  
"Yeah, come for dinner." Carter asks. I start to smile. He makes me so happy, he is the sweetest guy alive. I can't believe I even thought about getting back together with Ted, this man wow, he's just the perfect guy. I run my hands through my hair. Tonight will be fun it will be like a quadruple date. With my son, a bunch of ten year olds. I wonder if he mentioned anything to Carter about Dylan, probably not because Carter was there when Bryce asked to hang out with his friend, or shall I say girlfriend. Well tonight will be interesting at the least.   
  
***RESPONSES***  
  
CamilaC- Haha, Its awesome that you like this story, we work really hard on it!!! Carby fuzz is always good, I love watching it and reading about it in fics, angst isn't bad either as long as they dont break up :(  
  
I will try not to decieve you readers anymore with the previews haha. I'm glad you feel like you know us, we feel like we know you through the reviews, so its good you guys get a chance at it too!   
  
ER FANatic- Hey we are glad you have taken a liking to our fic, we tried to make it realistic, we don't want the characters to be different then they are on television, it would make the fic less realistic, and we want it to be realistic!!!! Thanks for reading and reviewing... We are honoured that you chose our fic outta all the other fics out there :)  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan: Haha yeah I knew that chapter would make people happy. lol.   
  
kiehl: Couldn't agree more! They aren't meant to be together, I must admit though, I do like the angstyness of fanfics and the show. It adds for a great make up seen, its intense and keeps you wanting more! Thanks for reviewing!!!  
  
Ashley: Thanks, we do our best to make it realistic. Love isn't just something that falls into your lap so we are making Carter and Abby work at their relationship. And just like in the real world there are misconceptions in this fic, and things that should have been said that weren't!!!! Thank you for reviewing!!! We live for reviews.  
  
~Tilde84~: I'm glad you are excited for the next chapter, I hope it meets your expectations:)  
  
MrsWyle: YAY! Is a good way to put it!!!!  
  
Kellie: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW... thanks we love that everyone loves this story so much :):):)  
  
Lisa: fuzz rocks!  
  
Amanda: Thanks, I am getting an update in today, a late one, but one none the less!  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"Off to bed. You are going Christmas shopping with me tomorrow."   
  
He looked up at me, sort of surprised by my latest comment.   
  
"What? I have no clue what to get your mother."   
  
Abby's hand slapped my leg.   
  
"John!"   
  
I started to smile, and Bryce was shaking his head at us.   
  
"Victoria's Secret."   
  
Abby whipped the pillow at Bryce's head. 


	42. being with you

Authors Note- Okay we are really close to the Christmas chapter I mean, like a chapter away lol. So I think I will post them on the 22& 23, or the 23rd and 24th, I duno, closer to Christmas type thing so we can all get in the joyful Christmas spirit. We also thought it would be a nice change of pace to bring the sexual tension back hehe....   
  
I walked with Sam and Alex to the door. Luka had gone to get the car. Tonight was great. I learned that I really like Sam and Luka. They are so great. I hadn't really talked to Sam too much before tonight, and she is absolutely wonderful. She and Luka were made for each other. We spent a majority of the time in the room adjacent to the bowling alleys, only due to the fact that our ten year old sons and their "girlfriends" were in there. We had a pool table, so we played a bit, well at least Luka and I did. Sam and Abby were practically glued to the door, waiting for a reason to go in there. After about 9, Dylan and Robby's mothers came to pick them up. I walked them out, because I was afraid Abby and Sam might go crazy for a while. And I'm glad I did. Because I accidentally walked in Bryce's first kiss. I think Abby might have strangled her. She's a little overprotective. Especially when referring to her only son's love life. Bryce was smiling like there was no tomorrow. I ended up hitting him in the head to stop him from doing that in front of Abby. She's his mother, not stupid. Dylan was sweet. A little mature for her age, but in all a smart girl. I approved of her. Even though Abby didn't.   
  
I headed back to the den, where Abby sat talking to Bryce. Probably trying to figure out a way to like Dylan. I looked at my watch and it was a little past 11. I handed my hand to Bryce and he stood up.   
  
"Off to bed. You are going Christmas shopping with me tomorrow."   
  
He looked up at me, sort of surprised by my latest comment.   
  
"What? I have no clue what to get your mother."   
  
Abby's hand slapped my leg.   
  
"John!"   
  
I started to smile, and Bryce was shaking his head at us.   
  
"Victoria's Secret."   
  
Abby whipped the pillow at Bryce's head.   
  
"Go to bed before I actually get up and give you more than just a pillow in the head."   
  
He started running towards the stairs and I couldn't stop laughing. Of course I get hit in the head too.   
  
"What?"   
  
She rolls her eyes.   
  
"Don't encourage him."   
  
I sit down next to her and she leans into me. I play with her fingers and we have another one of our silent nights.   
  
"So what do you think?"   
  
I know she's tired. We're both tired. After way too much excitement for one night.   
  
"About?"   
  
I lean down against the head of the couch, and she follows me.   
  
"Dylan?"  
  
She's lying next to me. Well technically on top of me. The couch is way too narrow. But I'm comfortable. I hope she is.   
  
"I'm locking Bryce up in a cage and not letting him out till he's thirty."   
  
I start to laugh. Thank god she did not see that kiss. Because I swear I haven't gotten one like that yet.   
  
"He's growing up."   
  
She sighs and I run my hands up and down the small of her back.   
  
"I know. But I really don't think he should be "dating" someone at age ten."   
  
I nod my head. I have to agree with her on that. Ten is a little too young, in any book.   
  
"So how are you gonna tell him?"   
  
She looks up at me, and gives me the puppy dog face.   
  
"Please?"   
  
I'm shaking my head. No. She is not going to get me to do this. He cannot hate me. He can hate her, because he will never actually hate her. But me, he can hate.  
  
"No."  
  
Suddenly she's halfway on top of me, and she's placing little kisses along my jaw line. I hate this. I really do. No, I don't.   
  
"Please?? For me..."   
  
I shut my eyes.   
  
"Fine. But you owe me."   
  
She's smiling at me. Her fingers running through my hair.   
  
"Oh, I can think of a way."   
  
Is she kidding? Is she joking? Please don't be. Please, please, please don't be.   
  
"What happened to taking it slow?"   
  
She rolls her eyes.   
  
" I thought we were gonna play by ear?"  
  
I look worse than Bryce right now with the smiling. This woman can get away with murder if she really wanted to. I give her a good long kiss before collapsing back against the sofa. I'm too tired. Not that I"m not in the mood. Because I can get in the mood. I just want our first time to be, well perfect. It's a cliche, I know. But that's all I want. Nothing more. She cuddles back next to me, and I begin my ritual of playing with her hair.   
  
"So, this Christmas Dinner thing..."  
  
I start to nod my head. I hate doing it. I really don't feel like spending time with my divorced parents who act like they want to kill each other if their left in the same room and a bunch of people I don't know.   
  
"What do I wear?"   
  
I give her a kiss.   
  
"Nothing preferably..."  
  
She returns the kiss with twice as much passion.   
  
"But if you must, its formal."  
  
She raises her eyebrow.   
  
"So that little black dress I have in the back of my closet finally comes in handy."   
  
I start to shake my head.   
  
"No. Too much. Someone might steal you away from me."   
  
She starts to laugh.   
  
"I never knew you were jealous."  
  
I roll my eyes. I love this careless flirting.   
  
"I'm not jealous. Just overprotective."  
  
She's resting right up against my chest, and I can see her expressions chance. She seems so light-hearted and happy.   
  
"With the deep neckline and tiny straps?"   
  
I can see where that night is going to lead to. Far away from Bryce. That's all I know. And my family. To a secluded island in the middle of no where.   
  
"Are you trying to tempt me, Ms. Lockhart?"   
  
She starts to laugh again.   
  
"I don't have to try."   
  
As tired as we both are, we manage to have a little fun anyway. That's one of the things I love about her. She's so unique, so precious. So beautiful, talented, smart, determined, headstrong... I could go on forever.   
  
I start to move off the sofa.   
  
"Come on gorgeous, let's go to bed."   
  
I manage to stand up, but it's not that easy convincing her to follow me. She finally managed to get up, and I pick her up, she's giggling a bit since I didn't get a good grip and I"m trying to get a better one, and she' about ready to fall. We practically fall down the stairs together laughing. When we finally get to my bedroom, I'm figuring out how to open the door and not drop her at the same time. She seems to read my mind and opens the door.   
  
"You know you're carrying me over the threshold?"   
  
I give her this evil little smile.   
  
"I could drop you."   
  
She starts to shake her head, and I start to lean down, hoping to drop her without hurting her. She finally on the floor after a second of hanging on to me for dear life. But I don't get away that easy. She pulls me down with her. So there we are, panting heavily in the middle of the floor. I start to get up, and she pulls me back down. I put my head down against her stomach and we just lie there silently, trying to get our breaths back. Finally I"m breathing normally and she is too. I get up, helping her. She looks so tired, I'm not going to try to retaliate for that last little move.   
  
She digs around my closet for a t-shirt to change into for bed. I could help her, but its fun having her go through my stuff. She looks like she's been doing it for years. She finally finds something and quickly changes. I pull her into bed with me, and we curl up under the warm comforter and the huge pillows. My hand is protectively around her stomach, her finger intertwined with mine. Her legs are running up and down mine, going for that added effect. We both fall asleep shortly. It just seems so natural, so normal, so right.   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
Caitlin: Hey, we're just happy if you review at all, and you've reviewed a billion times lol, so thanks A LOT!!!! We like funny, its nice after all that tension!  
  
CamilaC- Dylan and Robby haha, mood lighteners (is that a word haha), we need something to lighten everyone up after those days of tension... yeah angst can be good. It makes for good reading!!! Thanks for reviewing :D  
  
Tilde8884- Hehehe, Bryce is slick, he would be amusing to hang out with haha. A lotta love there lol, carby fuzz is the best part of all though :), and there will be updates daily as long as I am home (probably not Christmas day though, to much family stuff to do)  
  
Lisa- I know, we missed writing Bryce's comments,we have more then a few in store for you over the next couple of chapters!!!  
  
Nat- YAY!!! you get to see ER soon! Season 10? season ten is a little sad. Twice a day? aw thanks hehe, we love hearing that people love our story so much they check the site all the time!!! THANK :D!  
  
board-monkey- hehe thanks, funny is good!!!  
  
MrsWyle- Hey, I would love to tell you this fic has a happy ending... but we are not there yet, we are at like chapter 60 I think I don't know for sure though, we hope it does have a happy ending!!! :)!  
  
honeybear1- Aw really? Thanks so much!! Bryce is cheeky, haha he's giving Carter and Abby a run for their money haha, Carby rocks, we are glad we got them back together too!  
  
Diana- Awwwwww thanks, we are happy that you love this story so much :)! I thiink there are two- three maybe even four Christmas chapters, or Christmas related activities. I'd have to check though!  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"Want to meet my dad." Carter asks  
  
"Uh- sure." I feign a smile.  
  
"Oh she's meeting the parents. You know meeting the parents is such a nerve wreaking experience that movies and books have been written about it, and you are about to enter that world." Bryce smiles. 


	43. Meet the parents

Authors Note- Hey everyone, here is the Christmas Party Chapter, filled with lots of Christmas fun! We hope you enjoy this Chapter, as much as you have the rest :) Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and thanks to everyone who just reads, thats cool too! We love you all equally lol. A sidenote, I was in a very sarcastic mood when I wrote a few of the review responses, so i am sorry if i offended anyone, sometimes I can be a little crazy! Christmas is 3 sleeps away!!! YAY!   
  
~*~  
  
Carter and Bryce went Christmas shopping today, Carter and I went yesterday. We bought some gifts for Bryce, he is so excited for Christmas, I don't know how to calm him down. It's insane. Carter told me he would speak to Bryce about his new 'girlfriend', apparently they have been dating for almost two months, but we were so caught up in the trial then our break up to notice. I am kicking myself for that. We dragged him through the dirt and Carter and I both vowed never to do that to him again, no matter what we going on between us. I walk out of the shower and towel dry my hair, I have Carter's family thing tonight. I am extremely nervous, I mean I met his dad, half naked laying in John's bed. This is going to be horrible. My messages are flashing, I have to be quick cause I have to pick Eric up from the air port today, his flight gets in at one and its ten. I push the button. "Hey Abby. It's Eric." I can hear he is a little nervous or on edge about something. "I can't make it today, I'm so sorry, I know you had those plan's but I met this girl a couple weeks ago and she invited me to dinner with here parent's and I think she could be the one. Sorry Abby, I'll see yah later." How am I suppose to tell Carter this? I can't believe he would do this to me, actually I can, I know its the disease and not Eric, but I just can't help but be mad. I would ask Sam if Bryce could spend tonight with them, but I know Luka's father has flew in for the holidays and her parent's are visiting, so Bryce would be an unwelcome guest. Walking back into my bedroom, I hear the front door open and in runs Bryce, I walk out towards the living room again, still in just a towel. I better tell Carter now. "Mom, put on some clothes." Bryce yells running by me.   
  
"Hey you." Carter leans for a kiss.  
  
"Hey," I play with the buttons on his coat.  
  
"How was shopping?" I smile.  
  
"Good, I talked to him."  
  
"Yeah, how'd it go?"   
  
"He says he loves her." He laughs, "Uh- he really likes her. He even got her a present, with the money he saved up from shovelling drive ways. A necklace. I figure its harmless until they start having-"  
  
"Don't even say it John Carter!" He laughs wrapping his arms around my waist. I bite my bottom lip and look him in the eye, "What's wrong?" he kisses my nose.  
  
"I can't go tonight." I say barely audible.  
  
"What? What do you mean you can't go?" He says, pulling away a bit.  
  
"Eric, he called. He met a girl and is now not coming to town." I fret. He pulls me back into a hug kissing me lightly on the lips. "That's fine, we will bring the little guy with us." Our kiss deepens. "Are you sure?" I say in between kisses.   
  
"Yeah, does he have anything to wear?"  
  
"Mhhm," I can feel his hands moving down lower then the small of my back where it previously rested. "Okay, break it up." Bryce walks over to us grabbing a bag of presents off the floor. "When are we getting Uncle Eric mom?"   
  
"Actually, Uncle Eric couldn't make it." He throws his head back stomping his feet.   
  
"What? I hate this."  
  
"So, you're coming to Carter's with us tonight."  
  
"Great, I get to spend Christmas eve with a bunch of rich snobs."  
  
"Hey, there will be other kids there, and we will be back by ten, and we can do our own thing then okay?" I offer. Carter smiles at me, kissing me once more.  
  
"That's fine, just don't do this there." Bryce says pointing at us. Carter reaches over and smacks him in the head, Bryce walks away laughing at us. "Santa only brings things to good kids." I holler after him. "Well then don't expect to get anything cause you two are being naughty."   
  
~*~  
  
"I feel so weird." Bryce whispers in my ear as we get out of the limo.   
  
"I know, thank you for doing this for me." I say wrapping my arm around his shoulders. "Anything for you mom." He smiles up at me. Carter exits the limo after that and grabs for my hand. "You two ready?" He smiles, we both nod nervously and enter the big ball room. "Wow, I feel like I'm in Cinderella." Bryce looking around the room wide eyed. A man walks by us and Bryce jumps up stealing an hordurve off the plate, I grab his shoulder give him my 'none of that' look, he just shrugs innocently. "Want to meet my dad." Carter asks looking down at me eagerly. "Uh- sure." I feign a smile.  
  
"Oh she's meeting the parents. You know meeting the parents is such a nerve wreaking experience that movies and books have been written about it, and you are about to enter that world." Bryce smiles.   
  
"Would you like to have Dylan over in a couple days." Bryce nods at me, "The cut it out." I take him by the shoulders and we all walk towards John's father, his father seems to have spotted us to and meets us half way. "Hey son." His father says extending his hand, to Carter. "Hey dad, this is Abby, and her son Bryce."   
  
"Hi," I say shyly shaking his father's hand. His eyes wander down to Bryce, the mischievous looking ten year old. "Hello there."   
  
"Hello." Bryce responds.  
  
"I see you didn't bring a date." Jack Carter jokes.  
  
"I asked if I could but, Carter and Mom said no. Besides I think my girlfriend had a family thing anyways." He explains casually. Jack laughs at Bryce, "Oh is that right."  
  
"yeah, her name is Dylan." Bryce beams just talking about her.  
  
"How old are you, anyways?" Jack laughs. "Ten sir." Jack laughs, like the rest of us he seems to find Bryce entertaining and cute. "What are you listening to?" Jack points to the head phones that I did not notice hanging out of Bryce's jacket. Bryce laughs nervously stuffing them back into his shirt.   
  
"Well, I guess he was expecting to be bored." Carter cracks. I have to smile, I did drag him here so if he wants to bring his music what can I say, he's not hurting anyone. "The pixies." Bryce says interrupting my thoughts.  
  
"Really?" His father looks puzzled.  
  
"Yeah, my mom and I love them. I also love Ozzy Osborne. I asked for his CD for Christmas, I just hope I get it." He looks over at Carter and I smiling.   
  
"I'm sure you did." Jack laughs.   
  
"So are you okay, with your son dating my mom?" Bryce asks raising his eye brows.  
  
"Bryce..." Carter and I hiss. Jack laughs at this also.  
  
"Yeas, they seem very happy. Do you mind?" Jack counters.  
  
"Nope, not at all. I like them together. Carter's like my dad." Jack smiles at his son, he seems proud by this, John's grip tightens around my fingers. "I am happy to hear that."   
  
"You should be, and its really cool, cause they don't have sex when I'm ar-"  
  
"Okay lets go," Carter says tossing Bryce over his shoulder and leading me away, I can see Jack Carter is definitely stunned by this last comment. I am not too surprised on the other hand. Carter pulls us over to a table full of chocolates, Bryce tries to dig in, but Carter holds his body against him, and won't let him move. "Hey Bryce buddy. You are going to meet my mom in a minute and she's well-" Carter moves so he is facing Bryce, his hands still on Bryce's shoulder. "She's well quite scary, and I don't think you making comments will be appropriate at that time okay." Bryce nods knowing when to stop. I smile at Bryce. "In fact, why don't we keep the keep the comments to a minimum all night long okay?" I add.   
  
"Okay," He reaches again for the chocolate, Carter grabs his hand and holds it then gets up pulling Bryce, while he whines. I follow reluctantly. Carter walks us over to a lady who is standing up straight with a cold look across her face. "Mom." Carter sways walking up behind her. "John," her expression thaws a little.  
  
"Mom, this is-" He reaches for my hand "Abby and Bryce." She gives us the one over and then looks back at John's moving closer to his ear. "Is he yours?" She whispers bitterly, I look down at Bryce who looks hurt, but Carter won't let go of his shoulders, and proceeds to rub his back and the back of my hand soothingly. "Uh- pretty much mom, yeah." A look of distaste and hate is spread across her face.   
  
"Well then, nice to meet you both." She says nodding. "Having you seen your father John?" She says glaring at Bryce, I release Carter's hand and reach for Bryce's and Carter looks at me knowingly. "Yes, he's over there." Carter points toward where his father was standing. "Thank you... Did he tell you we are working out a possible reconciliation?"   
  
Carter looks thrown through a loop.  
  
"uh- no, no he didn't"   
  
"Well we are." She smiles evilly then walks away. Carter watches her go, and Bryce swallows hard. "Sorry." Carter apologizes, "I really didn't think it would be that bad." He looks hurt and upset. "Hey, don't worry about." I take Carter's hand again and Carter leans down planting a kiss on Bryce's forehead.  
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
smilez4eva- You're welcome, and thank you!  
  
Caitlin- Glad you like it, angst free is good, but angst is good too hehe!  
  
Kaitlin- hehe aww Christmas rocks, but you'll have to wait for the rest of the Christmassy fun hehehe!  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan- Sex hmmmm... we'll have to think about that one hehe!  
  
Nonni- Ted? Whose that?...Fling? What fling?  
  
Nat- Heeeeeeey, theres a thought, we might take that one into consideration, thanks for the idea:)   
  
Tilde8884- Sex? awww no Carter and Abby are good kids lol! We are at 60, and going strong! Well we hope, you guys may not think so when we get to posting those chapters, be we are really loving writing them! Aw:( We are going to miss your reviews, but be sure to read allllllll the chapters when you get back! Have a good time where ever you are going :)!  
  
smilez4eva(CHAP 41- Yeah breaking them up definetly makes it alllllllllll worth the wait.   
  
Rebecca- Carter and Abby are finally happy and so are Bryce and Dylan :)  
  
carby4eva- Awww that's so sweet, I'm glad we could hold your interest for all these chapters, to just sit down and read them all... thats AWESOME! We hope it goes on for another 42 pages too! THANKS SO MUCH!!!  
  
Amanda- its the Carters, I don't think anything can go right :(  
  
CamilaC- thanks, Bryce is a good kid lol  
  
BluzBaby- Thanks! Bryce does rock, he is so cool! There should be a Bryce in the show :D! You wanna name your daughter Dylan? ME TOO!!!! I LOVE GUYS NAMES FOR GIRLS!!! I have a tie though between Dylan, Jordan and Cory!!!! I wanna name my son Bryce haha, I didn't know I liked that name so much before I started writing this fic, (mostly cuz I didn't know of that name hehe)  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- Thank you for thinking our fic is excellent! Yeah, I wouldn't want to have to meet Carters Parents :S  
  
Ashley- Thanks, we will!  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
  
  
"Just don't come blaming me when it doesn't work out the second time."   
  
I leave him sitting there alone. I give up on family. I really do. The only one I want to know is Abby and Bryce. That's it. And whoever they might bring along. 


	44. Loving what you have

Authors Note- UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDTAE! ITS UPDATE TIME! YAH YAH YAH! Hey, so thats the song I just came up with, its late at night and I just finished eating a salad, yup it was good. So I finished my salad and thought, what would be really cool right now? The answer? An update. So here is your update, like the dessert to my salad. Okay so you laugh at me now, but its 1:30 in the moring and im tired, craziness is a given!!!   
  
~*~  
  
I hate my mother. Did I ever mention I hate my mother. Well I do. The woman likes to manipulate and punish everyone around her. I hadn't expected her to show up in the first place. I mean she didn't even show up to Gamma's funeral. Why the hell would she show up to a Christmas party. I guess I've been a little out of it all night. Abby noticed. She's been standing by me the whole time. I haven't even gotten a chance to talk to my father tonight. I've had to talk to everyone at this damn party. Before I was a nobody. No one cared about the innocent grandson of Millicent Carter. And now I'm the bigshot. It's a little overwhelming as well as annoying. And I just wasn't in the mood tonight. Mind you I've had about three men eyeing Abby tonight. They better be happy their coming out of here alive. I see Barbara come in, fashionably late. I grab Abby's hand and I head over there to her. I introduce the two, and after I"m sure that they aren't awkward around each other, I head off to find my father. And hell only knows where Bryce might be.   
  
I scan the hall from the balcony, and I spot my father sitting off in the corner with someone. I rush down the stairs, hoping not to loose him before I get there. I get closer and see that he's sitting with Bryce and talking. So I killed two birds with one stone. Well actually I didn't kill anything, stupid sayings. I walk up to them, and my father is telling him the story about how I wanted to impress some girl and practically killed myself. Bryce finds it very funny. Why do I get the feeling he will use it against me some day?   
  
"Hey dad."   
  
I sit down next to Bryce, and he looks up at me.   
  
"Hey Bryce, your mom's over there, by the tree. She's talking to my sister. Can you tell her we're leaving an a bit?"   
  
He nods his head and starts to head over to Abby.   
  
"He's a great kid."  
  
I nod my head.   
  
"Yeah. He's unbelievable."   
  
He smiles, looking out at the leaving guests.   
  
"So this Abby... From what I heard, you two are pretty serious?"  
  
I smile. What else can make me smile more than Abby can.   
  
"I think she's the one."   
  
My father contemplates it for a second, then he starts to smile and nods his head.   
  
"She suits you."   
  
I start to bite on my lip.   
  
"So you and mom are getting back together?"   
  
His face changes from a light feature to an angry, almost uncertain one.   
  
"I'm not sure."   
  
He's going to beat around the bush with me as if I was three years old again.   
  
"Dad, are you or aren't you?"  
  
He starts to shake his head.   
  
"It's complicated."  
  
I give a frustrated sigh. My father notices.   
  
"Why do treat me like I'm a child?"  
  
I hate being treated like some incompetent little boy who cannot understand anything. I've been through more than they'll ever know.   
  
"John, I can't explain it to you. I can't explain it to myself."   
  
I start to get up, I'm done.   
  
"Just don't come blaming me when it doesn't work out the second time."   
  
I leave him sitting there alone. I give up on family. I really do. The only one I want to know is Abby and Bryce. That's it. And whoever they might bring along. And maybe Barb. She still hasn't been completely influenced by mother yet. I find Abby, and she's standing out near the door with Bryce, ready to go. She hands me my coat and I quickly put it on. I hold the door open for her, and she walks out, one arm around Bryce, the other waiting for my hand.   
  
We get home a few moments later, and Bryce looks tired out. We don't' even have to say anything to him about going to bed, because immediately as we walk through the door, he gives us both a kiss and heads towards his bedroom. I help Abby off with her coat, and I put both away in the closet. She headed into her room, probably to change. After a while she came out and I followed suit. I hated wearing anything that wasn't soft and comfortable. I walked into the living room, and she sat on couch. Two steaming cups of tea were on the table, and she looked more beautiful than ever right now.   
  
She put out her hands, and I grabbed them. I sat down next to her, and she slowly pulled my head into her lap, running her hand up and down my cheek.   
  
"You okay?"  
  
I nod my head. I'll be fine. I really will. They are just my parents who have been absent from my life for 30 plus years. I'm used to it anyway.   
  
"Yeah. Are you?"   
  
She starts to laugh.   
  
"Yeah.. It was better than I expected."  
  
At least something worked out tonight.   
  
"Well it couldn't have been worse than the last time you met my father."  
  
We both start to giggle a bit. That's behind us now.   
  
"Really? 'Cause I could have sworn I was wearing less clothing tonight..."  
  
I grab her hand and play with her fingers.   
  
"I wish you were."  
  
She's cradling my head in her lap, gently massaging my shoulders.   
  
"So what did your father say about me?"   
  
I give her a little smirk. Could anyone say anything bad about her?  
  
"That you suit me."   
  
She grabs both my hand and interlocks her fingers. We seem to do that a lot. And every time its special to me.   
  
"Did you expect anything less?"  
  
She said it light-heartedly. I turn around, sitting up, facing her.   
  
"I love you."   
  
It seemed like the time, the place, everything. Perfection. I just realized. I can't live without this woman. No matter what happens. I cannot look forward without her next to me.  
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
AbbyLockhart2- Hahaha Thanks- lol Bryce is loveable!!! He rocks we make him awesome haha!!! Don't worry I won't yell at you, you're doing an awesome job with the fic, haha its gonna be killer, we should take ER over, hehehe!! THANKS FOR REVIEWING! Next story you post so I can review all the time and I won't be responding to my own reviews hahaha. OMG THE CHAPTER YOU ARE WRITING RIGHT NOW IS GONNA MAKE ME CRY!!! SO SWEET :'(!  
  
CamilaC- Jack does rock doesn't he? I loved him in the episode where Eric fell into the grave, he was so sweet, he was like its not your or abby's fault, if only Carter woulda listened to him. Jack and Bryce could be quite a pair lol.   
  
Lysie- I laughed so hard when I read your review, so funny haha, its amusing when you hear/read things wrong and your jsut like 'WHAT?' hehe I do that all the time... hope your hearts okay lol! Thanks for reviewing.   
  
Nat- I'll keep posting over the holidays, the 25th might be the only day I have trouble with, I might be able to spare a minute to post, I might not get a authors note or preview or response done, but I could get the chapter up. No promises but I will try my best. I will tell Sylvia about your idea, we cant fit it in, in these chapters cuz we haev written up to like 60, or past lol we completely lost track, but it is an awesome idea, and if we use it we will for sure give you credit. Any other ideas are welcome too! THANKS :D! Lol i know, thats gross that he was 11, well especially since it was with a 25 yr old lol, aw lifestyles of the rich and famous.   
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan- DOn't worry we will continue untill our hands fall off or til we get bored, what ever one comes first. (I hope bored, cuz I play hockey and its hard to play with no hands)  
  
Diana- Thank you, we try ot be creative, have a happy holidays too :D  
  
kiehl- Eleanor needs to get her ass outta the freezer and near a heater!   
  
BluzBaby - If i was abby I woulda kicked Eleanor  
  
ER FANatic- NEVER STOP REVIEWING LOL!!! Yeah we do our best with the parents. Weird htat it wouldn't let you review chapter 43, that happens to me somtimes, and i just X the box off and try again. Thanks for reviewing :D!   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
I unwrap the next box, then the next, nothing being in any of them but another box. The second last box is discarded to the pill of boxes and now there is a small velvet box. I am very nervous now. My heart is beating out of control, I have no clue what it could be. What if its a ring? Does he want to get married? Do I want to get married? 


	45. Christmas Morning

APOLOGY- hey ff.net did not deliver all the reviews to me, so when I answered the reviews the first time and posted the chapter everyones reviews were not included, but they are now!  
  
Authors Note- Hey everyone, well its so close to Christmas and I finally started my Christmas shopping, not that that has anythingt o do with the story, but I'm sure it put all your minds at ease lol, any ways I will post this chapter now, making two chapters for today and one tomorrow (an excellent chapter tomorrow you will all love, trust me, its a must read.I can't give anymore away) I won't be able to post on the 25th and I just found out tomorrow could be a late update cuz I have to peel potatoes (like a whole freakin bag of htem) then bake cookies and other fun christmas stuff and then shop and they celebrate! LOL thanks for reading I'll get off my boring life and onto Abby and Carters ever changing life ENJOY :D!   
  
~*~  
  
He loves me? Why am I suddenly so shocked to know this, I mean he's never outright said it at least not just about me, he would say things like 'I love you and Bryce more then anything', so I knew he did have some sort of love feelings for me, but to he was so upfront, I don't think anyone has ever been this upfront with me. I place my head against his chest and plays with my hair, leaning forward to kiss my forehead. I don't say it back. I love him, I know I do more then anything, I have never in my life felt this way towards a man. I will tell him on my own time, when I think its right. I look up at Carter, he looks to be in deep thought and he is not talking about it. "What's up?" I smile at him, and he just leans down to kiss me. Sometimes I wish he would be a little more open, but what can I say, I can't even tell my own boyfriend I love him so who am I too judge? "Would you like to go to bed?" He starts to sit up.  
  
"Yeah," I answer. He pulls me up, and wraps his arms around my waist. I look up and him and slowly our lips meet, he takes my hand and walks me into the bedroom, lying down in bed, I put my head on his chest. He pulls the covers up around us, I rub his chest, he feels so warm. My hand goes up and under his shirt, I feel a kiss on the top of my head and this all I need to go into a nice deep slumber.  
  
~*~  
  
"CHRISTMAS!" I pry my eyes open to see Bryce, with his arms open and a big smile spread across his face. Carter slowly looks down at me then up at Bryce, I bet he is not use to getting up this early on Christmas. "Come on guys!" He pulls the blanket off of us, immediately I start to shiver. Carter sits straight up in bed and wipes his eyes, "so can we do this?" Bryce says sitting down next to Carter and looking at him.   
  
"Yeah." He mumbles.   
  
"Bryce its 6:30, I thought we had a seven o'clock rule."   
  
"Mom come on out of bed, rules don't apply this year." He sighs scratching his 'bed head' I look up at him and begin to get out of bed. "Okay, let us have some coffee first okay?"   
  
"Okay." He shrugs leaving. Carter stands up, walking up behind me he wraps his arms around my waist. "Merry Christmas baby." He whispers, kissing me on the cheek. I rub his arm and he continues to sleepily kiss me on my neck. "Hm, we gotta get out there." I yawn. "Yeah, lets go get some coffee." He says a little more upbeat.   
  
After two cups of coffee each and the traditional donuts Bryce and I have every year, we sit down preparing to open gifts, "Me first." Bryce exclaims jumping down in front of the tree. "To Bryce, Love Santa." He reads off the tag. "Dude, a guy loves me." He kids.  
  
"Open the present kid." Carter says sipping his coffee and wrapping his free arms around me pulling me onto his lap. I laugh as Bryce rips open the train paper and sees the Ozzy Osborne CD. "Awesome! This rocks!" He jumps up and walks over to the CD player popping it in. "I love this CD!" Bryce says taking his place beside the tree and singing along to the music. "You do realize your ten year old son is obsessed with Ozzy Osborne." Carter cracks.  
  
"I know, I'm pretty sure that makes me a horrible parent." I deadpan. He rubs my arm as Bryce tosses me a present, the card read 'To Abby, Love Santa.'  
  
"The old man loves you too mom." Bryce scratches his head and smiles. I open the gift and look at Carter who is insisting he had nothing to do with it. I open the present, "Two cruise tickets!" I turn around looking at John, "A cruise?" I say smiling.   
  
"Don't look at me, ask Santa." He feigns innocence. "A romantic dinner, on a private, one night cruise." Aw. I can't believe he did this. Just the two of us. I kiss him slowly, yet passionately. "I understand you guys want to boff each other, but that's what the cruise is for." Bryce jokes. Carter wraps his arm tighter around my waist then picks up a pillow and tosses it at Bryce's head, hitting him right in the face, Bryce counters and throws it back. "Okay boys." I laugh, pulling away. Bryce searches under the tree and finds a present for Carter, "One for you pops." Bryce says tossing it at Carter. Carter looks at me, the card reads 'To Carter, Love Santa' he tears the gift open and finds a jacket. "Hey, hey." He says smiling. "You remembered." He beams. When Carter and I went Christmas shopping for Bryce, he saw this black leather jacket that he liked, so I snuck back down there later and picked it up for him. "No Carter, Santa remembered." Bryce scolds.   
  
"Right, right." He corrects himself, kissing me quickly, not wanting another pillow in the head. "This is for you mom, and you Carter." Bryce says standing up and handing us gifts that he got for us. We both look at each other not expecting this. Carter opens his first, "A condom?" He laughs, I roll my eyes, Bryce laughs. "Wait there is more..." Carter continues to open the gift and finds a wooden picture frame that reads 'The Best Dad Ever' and in it there is a picture of Bryce and Carter at the hockey game. Both clad in hockey wear and smiling widely. Carter looks like he is about to cry. "We made it in class." Bryce explains beaming. I feel like I could cry too. Carter envelopes Bryce in a hug, its really quite sweet. "Mom open yours," He says, now he is the one sitting on Carter's lap. "Okay." I have a Christmas bag, and pull out the first piece of tissue paper, A picture frame too. I pull it out of the bag and can't help but smile, it says 'Mommy's Little Guy' and in it is a picture of Bryce on his first date, I could cry. Hell I am crying. "There is more mom." He prompts me. I reach in and pull out, his baby shoes, accept they are bronzed. "Aw, Bryce baby come here." I grab him and we hug. "You're such a sweet heart you know that right?" Bryce laughs at me and smiles. "Yeah, yeah I know that."   
  
Well after about a zillion gifts, we finally have some peace. "I love bacon." Carter says taking a bite out of his bacon. "This was great." I smile. We are sitting in front of the Christmas tree, the lights are on, and Bryce is in his bedroom testing out the new X BOX games Carter and I bought him. I cradle my cup of coffee, Carter reaches for my hand and intertwines our fingers, bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing it. "Hey, thanks for having me over." He says.  
  
"Are you kidding it wouldn't be Christmas with out you." I smile. He looks at me, and leans in for a kiss. "I have something for you." He whispers, our faces just inches apart. "Other then the cruise?" I raise my eye brow.   
  
"Yeah." he smiles and walks over to the tree grabbing a huge box from the back of the tree and bringing it over to me. "Here you go..." He sits down eagerly. I slowly unwrap the big gift and look at him curiously, "John-" I say before opening it.  
  
"Abby, just open it." I pull out a second box, a tiny bit smaller then the shoe box I recently unwrapped. I tear off the paper and find another box. "Did you get bored and just start wrapping boxes." I ask laughing.   
  
"Haha, wouldn't you like to know." I unwrap the next box, then the next, nothing being in any of them but another box. The second last box is discarded to the pill of boxes and now there is a small velvet box. I am very nervous now. My heart is beating out of control, I have no clue what it could be. What if its a ring? Does he want to get married? Do I want to get married? Why am I making such a big deal out of this, it might not even be a ring, or it could be a ring but not an engagement ring. Just an 'I love you' ring. That would be okay with me. It could even be a necklace. He notices the scepticism in my eyes and reaches for my hand. "Abby-" He starts, I look at him. "Don't worry just open it baby." I nod and swallow hard. I open the box and there sits a... Key? What the hell? Is this like the key to his heart or something. He smiles widely, "You were expecting a ring weren't you?" He laughs.  
  
"John- What is this?" I laugh. He takes the box and pulls out the part that the key was resting on and reveals a piece of paper. I curiously pick it up and start to read it aloud. "This is the key to your own CONDO!" I shriek. He laughs and nod. I jump his pretty much and we hug. "Oh my god, John I can't take this," I say sitting up.  
  
"What why not?" He says in all seriousness now.  
  
"Well- because its so- extravagant."   
  
"Abby, you and Bryce are not safe here and its a nice little two bedroom place, two bedroom and still in your price range. Its paid for, for a year. I love you, I would do anything to keep you and Bryce safe. Just say you'll take it." I look up at him my eyes glistening with tears. "Carter, I don't know what to say."  
  
"Say yes." He smiles.  
  
"Yes." I wipe the tears from my eyes. "Thanks, I-" I swallow hard never feeling more in love then this moment. "I-" He pulls me into a hug and kisses the top of my head. "I know." He smiles.   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
smilez4eva- Hey........... nope no sex for Abby and Carter, they still haven't done that, so don't worry you weren't asleep... haha, yeah Chapter 44, was for today (the 23rd) it was put up at like 1 in the morning hahaha! i'm going to update again neways! You know what? I have completely lost track of how far along we are lemme go check..................WOW! I don't know lol, I'll put it in my authors note for tomorrows chapter, I am numbering all the chapters now and there are A LOT! LOL, look for the answer tomorrow!  
  
smilez4eva- Hey, it was Carter saying that to his dad, sorry to get your hopes up :(. Lol, Well Bryce and John are pretty much father and son, at least thats how we treat them, we have included a few barriers though, because they are not father and son and Carter has just come into Bryce's life so he has to learn to-, wait a second I am getting into future chapters here. Anyways thanks for reading and reviewing :)   
  
AbbyLockhart2- LOL I know, its like Crazy how far we have come, how many roller coaster rides we have taken these people on. You reviewed your part but u didn't say what you like or dislike about it :( and you didn't say what an AMAZING author you are... tsk tsk! hahahahahaha MERRY CHRISTMAS!   
  
hyperpiper91- Thanks, I am soooooooo glad you like it so much, your reviews are good, short, sweet and to the point, I like it! Thanks for reviewing all those times :)! Happy holidays or as all those signs say hollydaze!!! HAHA haev a good one!   
  
honeybear1- hahaha I know, Carter and Abby are having difficulty in the sex department! Thanks we like tension and we like excitement, so its nice if they can go hand in hand. Merry Christmas to you too :D!!!  
  
Vicki- Thanks, we are glad you like the chapters, merry Christmas to you too!  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- that was a good job wasn't it? Sylvia did an amazing job on that chapter, its awesome writing with her, she keeps me in line with my psychotic thoughts haha she's amazing, she is what keeps this story going :)! Thanks I'm glad you like the story so much!   
  
Nat- hey, I don't know, I could pick that up again, its not a bad idea since i have the next few weeks off. I liked writing those journals, accept I ran out of ideas thats why I stopped :(, if you hvae any feel frree to tell me :D lol! I'm glad uyou like that story so much!   
  
BluzBaby- DOn't cry! Don't worry it all turns out good at the moment.   
  
kiehl - I'm glad you're excited- hehe rings rock, haha... but............ in this case  
  
CamilaC- Yup we write it together, we don't really have much a problem with that, at least we haven't yet. Its more like one of us writes and we post it to each other over msn and the other gives comments on what they think so far, or if the other asks; they will tell what they think should happen next... make sense? lol its late. no problem with the question, we like questions! if you haev any more feel free and ask!   
  
Amanda- thanks!!! A ring? hmmmmmmmm  
  
Kaitlin - thanks:) thank you for the review!   
  
Carbyfan- don't worry we will have no children sex things, thats not our thing, i think she was just kidding! read the next chapter and you will not be disappointed hehe! Thanks for reviewing   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
I don't know what it is. The warm radiance from the fire playing on her gentle olive skin, or the way her hair slightly falls down onto her shoulders. I have never loved anyone more. I start to kiss her neck, gently at first. But at that first taste of her, I can't let go. She's like a drug, a powerful drug I can never give up. I can tell she feels it too. I'm scared. I"m so scared. Tonight might be the night. We have no reason not to. So many reasons to. 


	46. this is the night

Authors Note- MERRY CHRISTMAS/ HAPPY HOLIDAYS everyone,   
  
So this is my last update til I don't know the 27th of December, I totally forgot that I am having 2 Christmases until now :S, so I don't htink I will be able to update on the 26th, but for sure on the 27th, but I think this is a nice chapter to leave with for a few days! Oh, I have been asked how far along we are with the chapters, so I sat down and counted and we are at 77 chapters it took me forever to get through all those pages too, it didn't help that I was talking to my friends at the same time lol, but we are pretty far along. THANKS to eveyrone who reads and reviews :D!   
  
Oh and just a little note- there IS sexual content in this chapter,f or those who may feel uncomfortable with it.   
  
~*~  
  
I pulled the door open and let her step out. We were docking in a few moments, and there was still one thing I wanted to give her. That I couldn't exactly do in front of Bryce. I wanted everything to be perfect. We stepped out on the bow of the boat, the cool wind hitting us both. I put my hand around her, and grabbed her fingers, trying to keep them warm. There was a thin blanket of snow falling, but it was so gentle and slow that it only added to the atmosphere. It was perfect. The stars shone under a full bright yellow moon, nothing else matter to me in the world right now. We hadn't spoken much tonight, but no words needed to be said. We spent the day moving into Abby's new condo. She still doesn't know that when I said it was paid for one year, I mean it was paid off. Period. It was hers. I'll break the news to her next year. Or sometime. We ended up getting most of the stuff over there. We didn't pack everything like you would for a big trip, we took everything. I swear I gained a few hundred miles on my car. Over 100 trips there and back. At least it was pretty close. But not that close. Bryce was at home with my father. Oh yes, my father. I was worried since everyone would probably want to be with their families, but I really wanted to do this for Abby and me. So my father said he would stay with him. My mother went back to New York, so no worries there. I just hope Bryce keeps his damn mouth shut. And we have the condo to ourselves. So a nice quiet evening next to the tree and fireplace is in order. I play with the box in my pocket. I hadn't originally planned to do this. But it seemed right. I should propose if I'm gonna do this the right way, but I refuse to rush things. I saw her face this morning when she thought she knew what was side the box. I pull away from her for a second, and face her holding one of her hands. The other hand is still in my pocket.   
  
"What's wrong John?"   
  
I give her a quick kiss because I'm afraid we might freeze to death.   
  
"There's one more thing I wanted to give you. I just needed the moment to be perfect."   
  
She starts to pout. She looks like she's a little worried.   
  
"It's not what you think. Yet, at least."   
  
She sighs a bit and then relaxes.   
  
I pull the box out and open it. Inside is a small, simple diamond ring on white gold. It's so elegant. It's exactly like her. I can tell she's probably stopped breathing.   
  
"It's a reminder that even though I may never say it, or act like it sometimes, I really do love you."   
  
I put the ring on her finger, and she's completely speechless. She leans into me, and I just can't let her go. So no we're not engaged. We're just secure. Taken. Loved. By each other. That's all I need to know. We reach the dock and we head slowly towards her condo. It's only a few blocks away, and we decide the walk would be nice.  
  
We finally get back home, and we're both chilled to the bone. Abby's probably freezing more than I am since she's wearing a dress. A cute black little number. A different one from the party we went to. She's beyond words. We light the fireplace in her room. I love the condo. There's a fireplace in the living room and in the master bedroom. Our clothes are strewn along the sofa, since we hadn't finished unpacking everything just yet. That would wait until tomorrow. I walk up to her, who is standing looking at the fireplace. I grab her hands, and with them, wrap my hands around her waist, holding her close. I place run my hands up and down her arms. She turns her head and smiles at me. I haven't seen her smile so much in one day. She absolutely glows.   
  
I don't know what it is. The warm radiance from the fire playing on her gentle olive skin, or the way her hair slightly falls down onto her shoulders. I have never loved anyone more. I start to kiss her neck, gently at first. But at that first taste of her, I can't let go. She's like a drug, a powerful drug I can never give up. I can tell she feels it too. I'm scared. I"m so scared. Tonight might be the night. We have no reason not to. So many reasons to. She positions her body on an angle from mine, my mouth searching for hers. And when I find it, it's gentle. It's always gentle. My tongue plays along her lips, finally gaining entrance. I explore every crevice like I have never before. Something about tonight, makes it feel like the first time. Every kiss feels like our first kiss. I think it will always be that way. She guides my hands over her body, I move her so we are standing like we were before. I nibble a bit on her earlobe, she's completely relaxed. I can feel it in her muscles as she leans against me. Her pulse is racing. Mine is too. I never thought I could feel so many emotions at once. I need her. I want her. I can't make it anymore without her. I go back to working on her neck. I pull the pin out of her hair, and it goes cascading down onto her shoulders. I push it away, gaining access to her delicate spots, which I have slowly and painfully figured out where they were. I hear a moan of pleasure from her. My hands begin their own trails down her body, her hands joining mine, showing them were to go.   
  
I pull away from her skin for a second. I need to make sure this is right. This is what we both want. I lean to her ear, a breathe, slow whisper. Three words...  
  
"Are you sure?"   
  
She nods her head, not opening her eyes, and my mouth goes back to its intended task. She wants this. I want this. Together. It's perfect. My left hand holds hers to the side. My right hand slowly goes up to her zipper, pulling it down. I slide the right strap off her shoulder, kissing her perfect body in every tender way possible. Her hand reaches to pull the other side of the dress down, and I attack that shoulder as well. I'm being slow, gentle. I don't need to try to be passionate. I would never ever want to hurt her. I will never hurt her. The straps of the dress hang loosely, like a third wheel. She turns around to face me. On her face, only the picture of emotional bliss. She leans up to kiss me, her tongue being more aggressive, slightly nibbling on my lip as she pulls away. I begin to help the dress down on it's journey to the floor. Too much clothing. I nibble on her ear again, since that's one of my moves that renders her completely helpless. I begin a trail of kisses down her neck, onto her shoulders. The dress is almost where I want it to be. It reveals slowly more and more of her. The black lace tempting me even more.   
  
I go back to her mouth, her hands running up and down my chest, driving me insane. Every movement seems to be like a dance. And we both know the steps. In rhythm with the music. I know my shirt buttons are being undone, but I wouldn't care less if she tore it off and destroyed it. She traces circles with her fingertips along my shoulders and my back. Within seconds my shirt is thrown over a chair. Her dress has been kicked to a corner. Her delicate hands run over my chest and reach my belt buckle. The clank of the metal upon metals tells me it's open, and I feel her hands hesitate for a second before opening the button and letting them fall. This is better than I could have ever imagine. I take a look back at her. She's a piece of art. A piece of art that could surpass all time and generations. The glow from the nearly forgotten fire behind us bringing out the highlights in her hair, the light brown sparkle in her eyes. I grab her hands, kissing each one. She's more fragile than glass to me.   
  
She starts to pull me towards the bed, and we are standing by it, she begins to lean towards it. One of my hands catches her back, the other catches her head, lying her down just as a mother would her newly born baby. I climb next to her, and we're both breathing heavily, almost gasping for air, but not caring. I kiss her, and trail my way down to her chest, the moans from her increasing with every kiss. I pull the strap of her black bra, urging it off her body. My mouth searching for more ground to cover, more of her to taste. I cannot get enough. I reach under her, letting her arch her back. It suddenly becomes loose, and I pull it off, inch by inch, careful not to miss one spot of her, knowing I would regret it forever. One less barrier to go though. I look up at her, and she's lying eyes closed, a smile playing on her lips. I kiss the spot between her breasts, teasing her slightly. I go around with feather kisses, tracing the outline of both her supple breasts, hardening with my every touch. Her hands are running through my hair, urging me on. I like my little game. I know she needs this. I have control. But I know I won't have it for long. I hear a long desperate sigh escape from her mouth, and I give in, taking her nipple, long since hard, into my mouth, caressing it with my tongue, gently biting on it. She freezes for a second from the sensation, and immediately I hear the moan of approval. I leave that one for a second, knowing her right must feel under appreciated. All I want to do is make her happy, please her. I live only for her. She pushes me a little, and I move on. Knowing there are places I have yet to go. I steady myself in between her legs, sucking on the sweet skin that leads from her full, round breasts to her navel, and lower. The second piece of the black lace blocks me. I think I'll show her a little lesson about too much clothing. I start to suck on her knee, leading down her inner thighs, stopping right where I know she wants me to go. I do it to her other leg. I can feel the frustration. I start to pull the little number off millimetre by millimetre, my tongue tracing patters on her abdomen. It gets to the place were I am going to be in a few seconds, and i start to back off the bed, pulling them off, sucking, kissing, devouring her whole. I drop them off at the floor, and head back to where she wants me. She manages to push off my boxers as I'm heading up with her toes. We're completely exposed to each other. No more. This is it. We're before each other, no more lies, no secrets. This is who we truly are, insecurities, doubts, fears, true to ourselves. I move up to her meet her mouth again, it feels like centuries since I've tasted her lips. My fingers trace along her body, and I slowly edge my way in-between her legs, wet with want. I slip in slowly, not wanting to hurt her. After I've gone in, the look of contentment is on her face It's safe. I take my other finger, slipping it inside her with no effort whatsoever. She arches her back, not opening her eyes. She's happy. She's absolutely happy. I keep on kissing her, heading back to my favourite stop, her breasts. We're both in heaven. Never. No one has ever held me to this point ever. And I know. She will always be able to do this to me. I feel her hand pulling mine out of her, edging my body closer to her. We both know we're ready. We both know this is it. No turning back. I look at her, we lock gazes, no words could ever express what we feel. We're both shaking. I'm shaking more than she is though. I'm so worried. What if, what if something happens, and I loose her? What if its only this one time? What if we aren't together, what if she doesn't' wake up next to me every morning for the rest of my life? I think I would kill myself.   
  
She starts to position herself, and pulls my head closely down to her. She gives me a light kiss.   
  
"I love you."   
  
She whispers it, under her gasping breaths. She's close. I'm even closer. I give her one last kiss before I enter her. Slowly at first, then I push in. Our bodies start to rock back and forth, her sighs in unison with mine. Our heartbeats racing, our pluses speeding. Months of want, need, desire, devotion, love, hate, frustration, anger all released. All forgotten. The pace quickens, her hands are running up and down my back and chest. Her nails digging into my skin, her mouth everywhere at once. It's a blurr, yet it's all in crisp detail. The rhythm, the movement, the feel. It's a memory I will keep forever. We've become one. It sounds like a cliche, but we have. After this point, there is nothing to hide, nothing to fear. We've been there and back, with each other. We've felt the passion and tasted the tears. And why ever turn back. We can do anything. Anything the world can throw at us, we'll get through. Only once, our first time, and I know where she's going, and when she's going to get there. I can feel the build up, the moans, the gasps. Then the pure euphoria that exists. We both climax at the same time. Never has that happened to me before. It's another reason I can add to my list of why we're absolutely perfect for each other. We rest on the shock, the pleasure, the madness, the rapture. I give her one last kiss and pull out slowly. I cradle her close to me and link our fingers together, the ring on her finger bouncing rays of light around the room. I pull the covers over us, holding her as if she was porcelain. She's nestled in next to me.   
  
"I love you."   
  
She says it. More sure, more certain, absolute truth. I brush the hair out of her face, letting my fingers trace her features.   
  
"I love you too."   
  
She puts her head down against me, and I rub her back slightly. I notice the slow breathing from her, and know she's asleep. I could spend hours watch her sleep. She's so peaceful. Why fall asleep to dream, when my dreams are reality?   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
Amanda- thanks, we love fuzz its the BEST! Don't worry we'll always be here writing.   
  
CamilaC- We have no clue how many chapters we are going to write, we just keep writing until we get bored and that hasn't happened yet, there have been moments where we have been like 'AHHHHH where do we go from here???' but we have managed to get through them:)! Thanks for reading and reviewing, hope you like this chapter as well.   
  
BluzBaby- Yeah its a little premature for an engagment ring, even Carters not that stupid, well at least not in our story, the show is a totally other situation! GRRRR I hate the show Carter, he pisses me off. Yeah Carter does have a sister on the show, we haven't seen her yet, but appearantly he has mentioned her a few times (I started watching Season 8, and lived off repeats of 6&7 hehe)so I never heard her name being mentioned but I have heard he does!  
  
Caroline25- YES! A bryce free moment, something that was hard to do because of our love for that little rascal:)  
  
I have a few fics with three kids, I have a weird obession with Carter and Abby with Kids, I duno call me crazy but I do haha, um I think its called, 'love has a funny way of do things,' I don't know for sure haha, I should though, maybe I will update that, after I do my homework though, that and losing something journals could be my break project! Thanks for reading.   
  
Nat- ANGST? NOOOOOOO lol, well i can't promise no angst although I would like too, I'm glad you like the chapter MERRY CHRISTMAS:D   
  
Caitlin- Merry Christmas, glad you love the fuzz :D!   
  
AbbyLockhart2 -I know Carter rocks, (in this fic at least, well for now hehehe... in the show he is just being a big stupid head)   
  
I know if I gave my father a condom... well lets just say I wouldn't wanna be there when he opens it haha. OOOOOOOO he did want a little brother!! HAHA! shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....! We didn't get a chapter done today, and I won't be online for the next two days :(... oh well just email it to me!!!! :D! I'm off to peel potatoes.  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"I don't know Carter!" I shout back, "I don't know what I want anymore, okay?" I scream. "I mean I have everything I could want right here, Bryce, you..." I can feel the tears coming and bite down on my bottom lip to stop them, I walk over to the couch and take a seat, my head in my hands. 


	47. what could possibly go wrong?

Authors Note- hey guys, well I managed to get out of the family things today lol... well at least get outta them early, so here I am posting chapter 47 today. Sorry the review responses are so short, i am tired lol but i have some good news we have decided to update more frequently :D:D:D:D:D:D!  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
I feel soft breath on the back of my neck, slowly turning over onto my back I look at his sleeping form. He is so beautiful. I don't care what anyone says men can be beautiful. I intertwine our fingers. Our favourite thing to do. He slowly wakes up and looks at me. "Hey you," He reaches over and pushes loose strands of hair out of my face. I lean in for a soft kiss, and get it. "How'd you sleep?" I ask.  
  
"Every night with you is unbelievable, especially last night." he smiles. I move closer and wrap my arms around his naked waist, pulling covers up around us. "I love you." He says gently making a trail of kisses on my neck. I love hearing him say those words. It took me so long to finally say it, but now that I have.... Its well amazing. I pull away reaching over the side of the bed grabbing a t-shirt of his and a pair of his boxers. I toss the boxers at him, and put the t-shirt on. "Oh come on, I love being naked with you."  
  
"Bryce will be home soon. Would you like to be naked with him and I?"   
  
"Point well taken." He throws the boxers on, and pulls me in closer, my back against his chest. "I hope he had fun, and was well behaved." I state.  
  
"I hope he kept the comments to a minimum, my father's not exactly known for his sense of humour." He says kissing my cheek.  
  
"Ha, and Bryce isn't exactly known for being serious." Just with that said, the door slams shut. "There in the bedroom." Is all we can hear. I look at Carter, and he stands up pulling on his sweat pants and a t-shirt, handing me my sweats. I am still sitting in bed, while Carter is just throwing his T-shirt on when Bryce barges into the room. "Hey kids-" He says a smile spread across his face. "You have fun?"   
  
"My dad still out there?" Carter asks, hugging Bryce quickly.  
  
"Yep." Carter walks by Bryce and out into the living room area. Bryce walks over to me and crawls into bed nestling up against me. "Did you have fun with Jack?" I ask looking down, his head resting against my shoulder. "Yeah, he's cool."   
  
"What did you guys do?"   
  
"He taught me how to play poker." He crinkles his brow. "Yeah, told me how to scam lots of money off Carter, I think that was good advice." He smiles.  
  
"Oh Boy." I sigh.   
  
"So Dylan can still come over today right?"   
  
"Yeah sure." I pause then look down at him, "What about ice skating?"  
  
"With my parents, aw, geese." He rolls his eyes.   
  
"Knock it off you." I say rubbing his hair. He reaches over and pats my belly. "What are you doing Bryce?" I ask curiously.  
  
"Just saying hi, to little Ernie."   
  
"Whose Ernie?" I say pushing his hand away from my stomach.  
  
"My new brother duh!" He rolls his eyes at me. Oh shit! What- oh fuck. I immediately sit up and bed, Bryce looks alarmed, "Mom are you okay? I was only kidding."   
  
"No- it's not that honey, I just forgot something about a patient." I say walking into the living room, John and his father seem to be having a friendly conversation. "You okay Abby?" Carter asks looking over at me.   
  
"I need to talk to you." I say firmly. Bryce walks over to us looking confused.   
  
"Bryce, there is a little place that serves breakfast, would you like to go with me?" Jack proposes.   
  
"Uh-" I nod my okay, and he follows Jack out of the apartment, still in a state of confusion. Once they are a safe distance away I turn to Carter who is smiling. "Don't fucking smile at me." I snap. The smile is gone as soon as it arrived.   
  
"What did I do?" he asks carefully.   
  
"We didn't use birth control." I say raising my voice. He is no longer worried about being in trouble, now he looks shocked. "Oh shit." He says pushing his hair back.  
  
"Yeah, I'd say so." I say pacing the room.   
  
"Well, no matter what happens we'll get through it. I mean a new baby would be unexpected but not unwelcome." He starts to smile.  
  
"Speak for yourself." I grumble.   
  
"What are you saying?" He says angrily.  
  
"I'm just saying, I have a new job, a son who is finally on the right track, I don't know if I am in the place in my life where I want a new baby." I explain as calmly as possible.  
  
"Abby, why don't we just see where this leads then talk about it okay?" He offers. I nod slowly. "I would at some point like a child of my own, that's all and if you were to be-"  
  
"A child of your own?" I cut him off. "So Bryce isn't good enough?"  
  
"God Abby, why do you always do this?" He screams, I am a little taken a back Carter's never been this forward. "Why do you always blow things out of proportion and make them sound in away they were not intended? You twist my fucking words. You know I love Bryce as though he was my own, I even consider him my son-" He just stares at me, jaw clenched and fists balled. "I can't believe you would even think that." He says, his voice just about a whisper. "God Abby." He releases his fists and runs his fingers through his hair. "You don't want a child with me?" His voice raised again.  
  
"I don't know Carter!" I shout back, "I don't know what I want anymore, okay?" I scream. "I mean I have everything I could want right here, Bryce, you..." I can feel the tears coming and bite down on my bottom lip to stop them, I walk over to the couch and take a seat, my head in my hands. "I'm sorry." He sits down beside me, running his hands up and down my back. "Don't be." He says kissing my cheek.  
  
"No- really, I know you love Bryce, and I can see that you would want a child but, I am just so scared that I would screw up another child's life I mean Bryce he gets so mad at me sometimes-"  
  
"Abby all kids do. He just, he is just growing up. He loves you. He got mad at me once when you and I fought. Remember the time we fought because uh- you weren't sure that we were genuine because of our past..." He says quietly. "Well, Bryce got mad at me, he told me to leave if I was just going to hurt you. He protects and loves you, you just don't see it." I look up at him, god I never knew that. He leans forward and kisses away the falling tears. "We had so much fun last night." He says into my hair. "Let's not get all riled up about something we don't even know that's going to happen yet." I kiss him on the nose, and he smiles at me. Maybe having his child wouldn't be so bad, the name Ernie has got to go though.   
  
~*~   
  
"Here hold my hand!"  
  
"Are you sure."  
  
"You'll be fine... Don't worry." He looks up and smiles. "Just trust me okay."   
  
"Okay, I've never Ice skated before-"  
  
"You'll be great, don't worry." He tilts his head, leaning forward for a kiss on the cheek. "After we can get some hot chocolate, and a hot dog."   
  
"Okay, that sounds great."  
  
"I have a present for you." He says.  
  
"I have one for you too."   
  
"Okay- must we be so lovey dovey all the time?" Carter says skating up beside Bryce and Dylan. Bryce pushes Carter away embarrassed. "Carter." He says under his breath.   
  
Dylan and Bryce skate off, hand in hand, Bryce holding Dylan up.   
  
Carter skates over to me grabbing my hand. "You like her more now?"   
  
"She's ten how could I not like her, I just don't like the idea of my son kissing a girl." I say rolling my eyes.   
  
"There harmless,"  
  
"What are?"  
  
"The kisses, little pecks like that at the most. You can't even catch anything from it." Carter jokes. "I wonder what he got her, or what she got him?" I say as we skate along about ten feet behind them. "I don't know he didn't tell me." Carter shrugs, with a smile.   
  
"He did tell you didn't he?"  
  
"We picked it out together." He smiles.  
  
"Tell me what it is?" I ask leaning into his shoulder.  
  
"You'll find out soon enough..." He says looking down at me.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing, just thinking about how beautiful you are." I can feel my cheeks going red. "Hey, what are you doing New Years eve?" He asks  
  
"Nothing why?"  
  
"A bunch of people from work are going to Susan's."  
  
"Oh yeah, she told me about that."   
  
"We should go." He offers.  
  
"I'd love too."  
  
"It's a date." He smiles. We'll all go to Susan's New Years Eve, Carter, me and Ernie.   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
Caitlin015- thanks, never freak out before reading the whole chapter, thats my advice to you after reading the preview!  
  
honeybear1- I'm glad you are officilay hooked because we have bit of a bumpy road ahead... hold onto your seats folks.  
  
honeybear1 (CHAP 45)- condos rock i wish one of my boyfriends woulda bought me one hehe  
  
Amanda- something always has to go wrong :(  
  
nat- hehehe  
  
Elven Writer- thanks glad you like the story so much :)... yeah i'm kinda bad sometimes at formating  
  
MrsWyle- YAY carby sex rocks hehe... yeah the previews are a little rocky fora while :S  
  
smilez4eva- Happy holidays... we are aiming for 100 chapters, it would be awesome, i hope you have fun on your trip. we love long reviews.  
  
CamilaC- well lets just say (regarding the preview) thinks tend to go up and down....  
  
HardcoreCarbyFan- we love anyy amount of reviews :D we want to update forever, once we finish this story we have talked about starting another one.  
  
hyperpiper91- hey dude, yeah we could try for more action.....................maybe  
  
  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
She's begun to shut herself off from me. But she'll let me in when she feels like it. So maybe it's progress. I hear the door shut and Abby yell at Bryce to go to bed. His footsteps echo through the hallway reluctantly.   
  
"Why the hell isn't he in bed yet?"   
  
She's been snapping at me a lot recently. I've gotten a bit used to it. 


	48. Mental Ponderings

OPINON- Hey first things first I don't remember if I have mentioned this before, but I just wanted to address this VERY serious topic, one that I don't think I can continue to let go... its serious, yes I am talking about the beard. The hideous beard, that Noah Wyle has decided to grow, I don't know if he was drunk when he came to this decision but... its definetly not good, and I just wanted to say that we are not fans of the beard, I have often wondered if it may have been inhabited by some sort of facial bugs, like face lice. The only time i have pitied Kem was when she had to kiss the horrid thing, it should be illegal to have something that awful on your face. Noah is such a good looking guy and he just wrecked it. Well what can I say maybe Abby is lucky to not have to be around that thing.   
  
Authors Note- Hey everyone sorry for the lack of updates over the last couple of days, just getting back to regular 'non christmas' life lol... here's a short chapter, but it really defines carters thoughts over the next little while. Please review:D  
  
I don't know what's wrong with Abby lately. She's been acting so out of it since the day after Christmas. It's been a few days, and I don't know. I guess she might still blame me for what happened. And maybe I should have thought about it, but we were both there. I climb into bed, and lie down. It's late. I'm tired. Bryce was still watching a movie so I let him finish it and Abby's supposed to be home any minute. I guess things got better and got worse at the same time. She's begun to shut herself off from me. But she'll let me in when she feels like it. So maybe it's progress. I hear the door shut and Abby yell at Bryce to go to bed. His footsteps echo through the hallway reluctantly.   
  
"Why the hell isn't he in bed yet?"   
  
She's been snapping at me a lot recently. I've gotten a bit used to it.   
  
"He doesn't have school tomorrow, he wanted to see the end."   
  
I reply calmly, and it always seems to work. She climbs into bed and lies down next to me. She's stiff, and I try to put my arm around her. She immediately jerks away. I don't want to fight neither do I want to anger her. I just move back to my side of the bed and wait for her to do or say something. After a while, sure enough, she turns around and her hands come around me. I kiss her on the cheek and pull the rubber band out of her hair.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
I pull her closer towards me.   
  
"Never say you're sorry."   
  
She gives me a small smile.   
  
"Long day?"   
  
She nods her head, tracing circles along my chest.   
  
"Are you okay?"   
  
She nods her head again. I'm unconvinced. And she knows that.   
  
"Really. I'm fine."   
  
I stare out at the wall in front of us.   
  
"You know you can talk to me."   
  
I feel her turn around and curl up away from me.   
  
"I know. But right now all I want to do is sleep."   
  
I throw the comforter off me and start towards the door.   
  
"Where are you going?"   
  
I kneel down and take a pillow and a blanket from the chair in the room.   
  
"I'm gonna sleep on the couch."  
  
She looks up at me, suddenly interested.   
  
"You need your space, and I understand that."  
  
She starts to bite on her bottom lip.   
  
"Carter..."  
  
I shake my head. I'm beginning to have enough.  
  
"Find me when you want to talk."   
  
I close the door behind me and set up my makeshift bed on the couch. I hear footsteps on the carpet and look up. She sits down on the edge of the couch.   
  
"Please come back to bed."  
  
I lay back against the pillows.   
  
"I am in bed."   
  
She's looking at the Christmas tree, twirling the ring around her finger.   
  
"Please."   
  
I shake my head no.   
  
"I know when I'm not wanted. You need your space. You have it."   
  
She gives me a dejected look and walks away. I shouldn't have done that. But there's a point where I can't control what happens between us. I love her. Yet she needs to let me in. She still hasn't. I never know what to expect from her. I mentally battle with myself whether to go back in or not. But I decide against it. It's better to let her figure herself out first. Of course that means I'm not going to get much sleep. And I have to work tomorrow, then we are going to Susan's for the New Year's Eve Party. I'm actually considering not going to that. After a full 12 hours, all I'm going to want is a shower and a warm bed. I might just go home completely, to the mansion. I haven't been there in a while, and I need to check up on the foundation and everything else. I watch the shadows on the ceiling change as every car passes. After a while I finally fall asleep. Not that it's considered restful sleep. Since I kept on waking up in odd hours of the night thinking about her.  
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***   
  
kiehl- hehe Ernie hehe, like Bert and Ernie hehe.. Bryce is playing good.... Carter and Abby on the other hand haha!   
  
Amanda- Hmmm what did Bryce get Dylan? its in chapter 43... i accidently wrote it in without thinking, yup way to make things flow I know... its a necklace since the secret is out... A condom, well that would just be whoa... hehe ten year olds should not have condoms, unless of course they are using them as water ballons.  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan- I'm glad you like this fic, I'm going to try to post more frequently:)... yeah Abby and Carter should know better... wrap it or go home and whack it.... haha (sorry)   
  
CARBYforever- I'm glad you like our story:) thanks for reviewing.   
  
JanBry- Drop as many lines as you want... its awesome hearing from people. Yeah more updates :D... i love updating more, only one today though because I'm a little behind schedule:(... Happy new year to you too!   
  
MrsWyle- yup a moody abby:( they work through it... sort of.   
  
vicki- Yeah Ernie lol kinda funny name... Maybe ernie will grow up to be a childrens show actor though lol!  
  
AbbyLockhart2 - What are you tlaking about the chapters are that intresting lol!!! I think we did hit 87 today, I mean how many have we written... I think I wrote at least 2, and you are writing one right now, hmmm. We will hit 90 and not even know it hehe, we are obessesed with story haha. Bryce watched a lot of Seasame street haha, I duno how Ernie came about hehe, maybe the baby will be an illiterate drugging......... no it can't be its a carby baby... it can only be prefect!!!   
  
hyperpiper91- Bert is still in the bathtub hehehe, sorry . Yeah I know sometimes I over use some words, I don't know how to say I am upset with you I only know how to say "fuck you" its not cool! Glad you like the story:D we like taht you read it:)  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"Hey." I look up at a tall man, who I know has been eyeing me this whole time. I've watched him. "Hi." I say completely uninterested.  
  
"You look nice." He says, checking me out.  
  
"Thanks." I look at the door and ignore him.   
  
"You waiting for someone?"  
  
"Yeah." I glance up at him again. He's cute 


	49. loosing grip

Authors Note- not my best chapter lol, anyways here it is none the less. Expect another update today, probably later tonight or something like. Its a quick update... almost forgot the preview... but its there :D  
  
Cleaning, I feel that's all I've been doing around this place lately. It is great though. Beautiful. I love it, absolutely love it. So does Bryce. I can't believe Carter did this for us, he's such a sweet guy. lately though we've been on the rocks. I don't know it came so suddenly, well not exactly. It came about the time we had sex, without using protection. He wants me to talk to him more, but I am not quite sure he understands what I am thinking or feeling. I pick up a dirty plate of Bryce's and toss it into the sink, I walk lazily over to the dish and start to wash it. "Mom." Bryce says walking out of his room.   
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Susan's on the phone." I walk over to Bryce, pointing at the dirty dish in the sink, he walks over to it and starts to wash it, as I make my way down the hall to the washroom, to clean the mirror. "Hey." I spray the Windex onto the dirty mirror.  
  
"Hey, how are you?"   
  
"Not too bad and you?" I sigh, wiping the Windex off the mirror.   
  
"Good, just getting ready for tonight. You are coming tonight right?"  
  
"Yeah, definitely."   
  
"Okay, just double checking." We both don't say anything for a few moments. "Carter's coming to right?"   
  
"Yeah, we are meeting there though, because he works." I put the Windex under the cupboard. "Okay, well I'll see you then!"   
  
"Yup." I hang up the phone, maybe after Carter and I can talk. I am definitely more in the mood to talk today, then I was yesterday.   
  
~*~  
  
I glance at my watch, for the hundredth time over the past two hours. Carter was suppose to be here two hours ago. "Hey." I look up at a tall man, who I know has been eyeing me this whole time. I've watched him. "Hi." I say completely uninterested.  
  
"You look nice." He says, checking me out.  
  
"Thanks." I look at the door and ignore him.   
  
"You waiting for someone?"  
  
"Yeah." I glance up at him again. He's cute, but annoying. Carters cuter though. Much. "Want to dance?" He says reaching for my hand. I pull it away.  
  
"I have a son." I tell him.  
  
"What?" He laughs.  
  
"Yeah, he's ten."   
  
"I love kids, they're great. So imaginative and funny." Well those are definitely two words I would use to describe my son. "Look, I'm going to go over there but, if you want to dance-"  
  
"I know where you are." I complete his sentence. He nods at me, walking away. Just in time for Pratt, to cruise up beside me. "Hey you." He smiles.  
  
"Hi." I smile back.  
  
"Who are you waiting for?" He throws his arm around me.   
  
"Carter." I sigh.  
  
"Carter? Why?" I roll my eyes at him. "He said he wasn't coming."  
  
"He what?" I say looking up at Pratt. It was his idea to come to this party in the first place, and then he blows me off. "Yeah, that's what he said at work." He shrugs. "Now, come dance." He pulls at me.   
  
"I will in a minute, I promise." He walks away, and I pull my cell phone out of my purse, walking towards the door. I open it and then walk down the stairs to be alone outside. I hit my speed dial button, and let it ring, finally... "Hello?"  
  
"Where the hell are you?" I snap.  
  
"I'm at the mansion. Where are you?" He asks casually.  
  
"At Susan's!" I state.  
  
"Yeah, sorry, I decided to come back here for the night, are you mad?"  
  
"Is this retaliating at me for last night?"   
  
"What? NO!" He feigns innocence.   
  
"I can not believe you Carter- you are such a jerk." I hang up on him, the least he could have done is called me, now I'm stuck here. I walk back upstairs. Well as long as I am here, I might as well make the best of it. Maybe I will dance with Pratt, he is kind of cute, not that I want to date him, but he is fun, so having a dance with my friends at a party is fine, I am not doing anything unfaithful for him to hate me for. I open the door and walk out onto the dance floor, Pratt immediately grabs my waist, laughing. "Nice of you to join the party." Susan shouts.  
  
"Yeah, well you know-" I gesture to men being crazy, she laughs.  
  
"Men will only drag you down." I move away from Pratt, and join everyone else who is dancing, and talking. It is more fun then waiting around for someone who is just mad at you anyways. I love Carter though, at this point I could see myself with him for the rest of my life. He's just great, but maybe we both need a break from each other for one night, its a shame I have no one to kiss at midnight though.  
  
Its true what they say time flies when you're having fun, a slow song plays loudly over the speakers, and an arm comes around my waist, I look up and its the guy from earlier. I've identified him, and his name is Jamie, I thought grown men usually went by James, but not him. He is Jamie. He is Chucks friend too. Susan's boyfriend Chuck. "what are you doing?" I slightly flirt.  
  
"Dancing." He smiles.  
  
"Okay, but only one, I have to get going soon." I state, wrapping my arms loosely around his neck.  
  
"Your son?" He says cocking his eyebrows.  
  
"No, no my son is a party with a few of his friends. My boyfriend."  
  
"You have a boyfriend?" He looks upset and hurt. I don't know why we just met.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Oh. How come he is not here?"   
  
"He worked all day, he was really tired." The man nods his head in agreement.   
  
"Any chance you're going to dump this guy anytime soon?" A flash of hope in his eyes.  
  
"Nope, not one." I shake my head.   
  
"10, 9, 8-" Every one screams in unison, I look up at Jamie he smiles, "7, 6, 5, 4" I really wish Carter was here right now, I just want him to hold me, not this big gofer, that's mean Jamie could be a nice man, just not the man I want. "3, 2,1" All the sudden I feel Jamie's lips up against my face, I roughly push him off me, what a jerk. "You shit!" I say walking away from him, he looks amused, I can tell a few people have noticed, I'm sure they will tell Carter that's why I have to first. It meant nothing, it was just a dirty guy kissing me, I can't believe this. What if he dumps me? I can feel the tear well up in my eyes as I grab my coat and make my way out of the apartment. I wipe my eyes and pull my phone out of my purse, hitting speed dial quickly. One ring, Two rings, Three, rings, Four, Five, he's not there his voice mail comes on, "Hey Carter its me, call me please, I really need to speak to you. I grab a tissue out of my purse and wipe my eyes and blow my nose. I rush down the stairs and decide to call him at the mansion. "Hello?" A tired voice says. "Carter?" I ask eagerly.   
  
"No Miss, John is not here." Not there? Where the hell is he.  
  
"Do you know where he is?" I fidget with my purse strap.  
  
"No." He says flatly. I hang up the phone and make my way home. I will talk to him when I wake up in the morning, if I can get any sleep. I meant nothing by that kiss. I didn't even kiss. The tears come again, I can't help it I love him and I don't want to loose him. I don't know what I'd do without him. I've live for 2 weeks without him, god worse few weeks of my life.   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
Camila- Ernie hehe... I know I wish ER had an Ernie, but they don't and the way the show is going we might never have one... I still think they will be together though, come on carter loves abby, abby loves carter its so obvious. I hope I can update more frequently, I plan to do two today, we love when people review... you can always email me too, I dont care.   
  
MrsWyle- Carter is a good guy... In our fic at least, but in the show I'm really starting to think not so much. I mean season ten he's been such a jerk, if I was Abby I would be pretty ticked with him right about now.  
  
hyperpiper91- hehe, yeah we want a bert too, but first there has to be an Ernie :S. Moody Abby is fun to write hehe.   
  
JanBry- I will update more frequently just for you lol! Thanks for reviewing :)  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan- Bryce is cool... If I had a son like him though I'd smack him about the head hehe, well Abby and Carter have had their fair shares of smacking Bryce lol!   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"Bryce, be quiet. Your mom doesn't feel well." I lie. I can't believe I'm lying for her. Well, truth being, she doesn't feel well.  
  
A concerned look crosses his face.   
  
"Don't worry. It's probably the flu or something. Why don't you call up Alex and see if you can go over?" 


	50. Slipping

Authors Note- The preview is a little longer this time, I hope you enjoy the chapter :)  
  
I pick Bryce up from Dylan's house, conversing about the extent of their "relationship" with Dylan's mother. We agreed to let them have it for a while but I need to talk to Abby first. Bryce looks about ready to fall asleep as he climbs into my passenger seat. I pull my phone out of my pocket. I couldn't sleep so I decided to get Bryce. I search for Abby's cell and I dial it, handing it to Bryce.  
  
"When your mother answers, tell her I"m taking you to the mansion and we'll come home in the morning."   
  
He nods his head groggily and leaves the message on the machine. She must be having some time at the party. I pull up at the door and park my car there. It's my own driveway for heavens sake. I can park anywhere I want. I pick Bryce up from the seat, he's already fast asleep. In under ten minutes. He's really had a big night. I make my way up the stairs with him, and tuck him into bed. I start to walk back to my room, and my phone rings. I had one voicemail from earlier, but anyone who calls at 1:58 in the morning can never be a good sign. I open the cover, but close it again, shutting the phone off completely. I take my time easing myself into bed and finally manage to fall sleep around 2:30. So much for a Happy New Year.   
  
~*~  
  
Bryce woke me up at around 8 am and we went out for breakfast. He will not stop talking about Dylan. I think its really cute. It's a little strange, he has their kids' names picked out already. But it's his first time in "love". And I know I'm going to have to be there to help him through his first real broken heart. We finish breakfast and we head home. I find a parking space almost right in front of the building and Bryce and I both get out. We pass through security, another nice new featurette, and head up the stairs. On our way he sees his friend Andrew, one of the neighbours. He gives me a pleading look and I nod my head. It'll give me a chance to talk to Abby.   
  
"You have your key?"   
  
He nods his head obediently. He can be such a suck up when he tries.   
  
"Okay, but for no longer than an hour."   
  
Bryce runs up to Andrew and they both start to laugh. I put my key in and open the door. The house is dark, and nothing looks moved. I see Abby's coat thrown over a chair, her purse on the floor. I know she's home. I'm just not exactly sure where she is. I head over to her bedroom. I knock on the door, but get no answer. I turn the knob slowly unsure of what I may find. She's sprawled out on the bed, tangled in the comforters and pillows.   
  
I walk closer up to her and see the bottle of vodka standing next to an empty glass. The bottle is almost half empty. Didn't she mention something about being a recovering alcoholic? I thought she was stronger than that. I take the glass and bottle and head towards the kitchen, drowning the clear contents of the bottle down the drain. I take dry, clean glass and fill it with water. I also find two aspirin tablets in her medicine cabinet. It's going to be one hell of a hangover. I put the water and caplets on her nightstand. I head over to her side, and gently run my hand up and down her arm. I'm not going to scold her, question her, or yell at her. There will be time enough for that. I hear a moan of disapproval from under the sheets.   
  
"Abby..."  
  
She buries herself deeper into warmth of the bed.   
  
"Abby."  
  
I say it with a bit more force and she turns around. She's not facing me anymore.   
  
"There's a glass of water and two aspirin on your nightstand. Bryce is home."  
  
I get up and leave the room, slightly slamming the door behind me. I head into the living room to finish unpacking the heavy stuff she couldn't lift. Bryce comes running in a few minutes later.   
  
"Bryce, be quiet. Your mom doesn't feel well."  
  
I lie. I can't believe I'm lying for her. Well, truth being, she doesn't feel well. But it's only because she was drunk and the hangover is taking its crazy toll. A concerned look crosses his face.   
  
"Don't worry. It's probably the flu or something. Why don't you call up Alex and see if you can go over?"  
  
He smiles a bit and goes to find the phone. He hands it to me after a bit and I walk off to the kitchen. I don't want Bryce to hear too much. Sam's voice echoes over the earpiece yelling at Alex.   
  
"Hey Sam."  
  
She starts to laugh.   
  
"Sorry you had to hear that. What's up?"  
  
I switch the phone to my other ear.   
  
"Do you mind having Bryce come over today? There's some things I need to work out."  
  
I'm choosing words very carefully now.   
  
"Sure. Luka can pick him up in ten minutes."  
  
A sigh of relief escapes me.   
  
"Thanks. I owe you."  
  
She laughs.   
  
"Yes, you definitely do."  
  
I turn the phone off and walk back into the living room.   
  
"Luka's picking you up in ten minutes."  
  
He gets up to change. He's halfway out his bedroom door when I hear Luka buzz the doorbell. I rush Bryce off, scarf draped around his neck, hat thrown to him. I collapse onto the sofa, and turn the TV off. I hear the door creak open behind me. I don't even turn around.   
  
"What time's your shift?"  
  
I hear a loud sigh then a moan of pain.   
  
"Ten."  
  
I start to get off the sofa, heading towards the phone on the table.   
  
"I'll call in for you. Bryce is at Alex's."  
  
She starts to shuffle towards me.   
  
"I'll be fine. I just need..."  
  
I look at her.   
  
"Another drink, right?"  
  
I hadn't exactly meant to snap at her. It sort of just happened. I head towards the kitchen. I hope she doesn't follow me. I don't think I'm going to be able to control what words may come out of my mouth, or what I may say to her.   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
JaneBrinch- Thanks, we are glad you enjor our story:)... You're right, you can't have a smooth sailing story, it makes it more interesting to write and read if it is a little exciting, although people get frustrated they keep reading... well hopefully! Thanks for reviewing.  
  
MrsWyle- Men are scum. Yeah she loves Carter she wouldnt wanna kiss Jamie.   
  
Alex- Abby Pregnant? Hmmmmmmmmm.... Happy Carby moment... thats always a possibility.   
  
Alex (CHAP 48)- You think he looks like Jesus too? SO DO I! I always say that... he looks awful with that beard... You can never have enough fighting lol j/k...  
  
Amanda- There is always something happening in Carbyland especially since we have atleast 40 more chapters to post.  
  
hyperpiper91- Hey dude, there is always something with Carter, especially in the show... hes stupid in the show. Of course she has the flu hehe.  
  
Camila- We are so proud that we got to chapter 50, it is an awesome accomplishment, I know Abby loves carter way to much to screw it up with some guy she doesnt even know. You will have lots of new chapters :D thats a given.  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan- Yep a very craptacular way to start off the new year. Don't worry too much  
  
vicki- They say men dont get PMS but sometimes i wonder. They can be so dumb sometimes...and mean for no reason  
  
Kate- First, thanks :D... Second... Abby Pregnant... Not too sure as of the moment... we'll see. Just wait the fuzz will eventually come back...  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"I left you a message on your answering machine, I needed to talk to you and maybe if you just-" I try to finish, but before I can he cuts me off.  
  
"NO! Don't you fucking dare, don't blame this on me Abby." He yells, his face beet red, I am afraid he will pop a blood vessel in his neck.  
  
"Don't blame your pure STUPIDITY on me." He looks at me, we are both out of words, we ran out of things to scream at each other, all that is left is raw emotions, that neither wants to be the first to touch base on. 


	51. falling

Authors Note- Hey guys, another chapter will be posted tonight, I promise you that!!! I hvae a lot of review responses at the bottom, and the preview is up, its a bit longer then usual, but I thought it fit. Anyways enough rambling heres your chapter...  
  
"Stay out of it Carter." I snap back at him. He has no business getting involved in this, so what I was an alcoholic 5 years ago it doesn't mean because of one night of drunkenness I am going to fall back into that never ending circle. "I can't stay out of it, especially when I bring YOUR son home at nine o'clock in the morning and walk into see you passed out. What do you think would have happened if he had walked in to see you like that?" He shouts at me, I grab my head, god I don't need this, not right now. "I don't know." I whisper. "God damn it Abby, you're only thinking of yourself lately." He tosses the empty bottle and it breaks in the sink, he turns and looks at me, pure hate is written all over his face. "What the hell would possess you to do something like this? Were you even thinking? Do you ever think?" He screams.  
  
"YES! Yes, I was thinking." I screech, he stands looking at me, waiting for answers. Answers I am not sure I am ready to give him. "Did you not check your voice mail?" I scream. "What?" He asks confused and angry.  
  
"I left you a message on your answering machine, I needed to talk to you and maybe if you just-" I try to finish, but before I can he cuts me off.  
  
"NO! Don't you fucking dare, don't blame this on me Abby." He yells, his face beet red, I am afraid he will pop a blood vessel in his neck. "Don't blame your pure STUPIDITY on me." He looks at me, we are both out of words, we ran out of things to scream at each other, all that is left is raw emotions, that neither wants to be the first to touch base on. It's the truth, the truth that deep down we know will kill us both. He shakes his head at me. "I have a shift." He spits.   
  
"So you are just going to leave? Just like that?" I ask in a barley audible whisper.   
  
"What's left to say?" he turns to look at me. "You aren't giving me anything Abby, you are just- just like, I don't know looking at a painting I've seen a million times and you know, I know, I know this painting is beautiful, god you're beautiful, and perfect, but under the superficial parts of the painting, is this pain, the pain the painter is trying to convey and I can never seem to get to the bottom of the pain. You're just like that. I don't know your pain. You won't let me." He shrugs and laughs and bitter laugh. "I get off at ten tonight. I will come pick Bryce up then." He says it more like this has been arranged.   
  
"No." I say firmly, he can rip me to shreds, we can break up hate each other, but he will not take my son away from me. "No?" He says moving forward getting right in my face. "He's my son John." I don't look at him, my gaze is glued to the floor.   
  
"Yeah, your son. The son that you are going to screw up because of- god I don't even know why you did it Abby, whatever your reasons let it affect and wreck you not him."   
  
I kick at the floor, he turns but before he can leave completely I grab his arm. "It was one night. One fucking mistake. I am not an alcoholic anymore!" I grit my teeth and squeeze on his arm, thinking this will help get the point across. "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." He walks away, taking a moment to look back at me, "He can spend the night at my place tonight and then we can talk."  
  
"I am going to work. He can spend the night at Sam's. I would rather that then with you." I say bitterly.  
  
"Fine." He slams the door. My head spinning, I reach out for the side of the counter and regain my balance. The worst of all is he still does not know about the kiss. The reason the drinking started again, my fear of loosing him. I think I have lost him though and it wasn't even the kiss that did it. God I am such a fuck up, it seemed like a good idea at the time though.   
  
~*~  
  
I walk into work, knocking the snow off my boots, I can feel everyone's eyes on me. What has he told them? Probably nothing, this probably because of the kiss, with what was his name? Jerry? No. Jess? Nope, I don't even care. "Lewis needs you in one." Frank says tossing a chart at me. I take a moment to look over, I should have let Carter call in for me. Not only do I feel like shit, but I have to spend twelve consecutive hours with him. I walk into the lounge, quickly discarding all of my belongings. I walk out five minutes later, ready to get down to business. Heading over to exam one, I hear Chuny and Yosh talking about me. "Think Carter knows about the kiss?" He whispers.  
  
"How could he not? He's been her five minutes and already that's the only thing people are talking about." She whispers back. I just roll my eyes ignoring both of them, I reach into my pocket pulling out two aspirin I grabbed from home. Walking over to the vending machine I put my money in and out falls a bottle of water. I crack the top off and take a long sip before popping the aspirin into my mouth. I hurry over to Exam One and swing the door open, Susan standing there examining a man. "Hey." She says friendly.  
  
"Hi." I say back uninterested, not particularly excited for the conversation I know we are about to have, "Chuck told me Jamie kissed you?" She looks at me now. That was his name. Jamie. I knew it started with a J. "Uh- unfortunately, it was not mutual though." I glance at her, and she nods sympathetically. "He's a sleaze. I didn't even want him there, but Chuck insisted, saying that they were 'such good buds' that he could not do that to him." Susan sympathizes. I nod and try to smile, she notices how fake it is. "Have you told Carter?" I shake my head no.  
  
"Uh- other stuff, came-" I clear my throat. "Came up that we had to deal with."   
  
"Well knowing John, he will understand. It may take a few tries to convince him that it was nothing, but he's a good guy and he loves you, so I am positive it will all work out." She explains. I am not so sure, not anymore.   
  
Two hours left on my shift, I have arranged for Bryce to stay with Sam overnight, that way he will not get suspicion when spending time with either Carter or I. I walk up to admit and dump off my chart. "Carter needs you in Exam Three." Frank snorts as I look through another chart. "He wants me?" I ask surprised.  
  
"Well any resident, but I am sure you will do." He says acting smug.   
  
"Find someone else." I continue flipping through the chart.  
  
"This isn't my job, he needs a resident, you are the first one who walked by here, go do your thing." He says shooing me away from the area. I walk over to the exam room, inhaling deeply before entering. "What do we have?" I ask business like. He turns and looks at me, obviously not expecting me. "What are you doing here?"   
  
"Frank, told me you needed a resident." I take the chart away from him and start to flip before he grabs it back and looks at me sternly. "Not you." He spits. He knows. He must. I have no clue who told him, but he knows. "Carter-" I say reaching for the chart. The patient looks some what shocked at our 'unprofessional' behaviour. Carter looks over and makes eye contact with the man, "One moment sir." He says grabbing me roughly by the wrist and dragging me out of the exam room. He looks at me, biting on his bottom lip, trying not to spas at me. "Get me Pratt." He is trying to stay calm, its not working.  
  
"I am here Carter." I will not let one little fight get in the way of my job.   
  
"I don't give a shit whether you're here or not Abby, I want Pratt." His face inches away from mine. I throw the chart at him violently. He tries to bat it down, but it still hits him in the shoulder before falling to the ground. "Don't ever do that again." He yells as I walk away, everyone watching us. They all know, we all know. He walks into the exam room, as I stumble into the lounge, trying not to cry. I make my way over to the couch and fall back onto it. The tears burning my eyes. God why am I such a screw up? Maybe this is what gets me into trouble my self pity? All I ever do is wallow in self pity. I have like a billion self pity parties a day. Well no more. I am going to work this out with Carter its not going to end up like the last time did. I will make sure of that. This will be my New Years resolution, and on top of that I will Never, EVER drink again.   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
Caitlin- Okay, okay, okay. Your welcome :)  
  
vicki- I know I truly believe men have some sort of period that we don't know about... hmmmmm  
  
Ashley- awww :( I hope you feel better. Thank you, we do our best!   
  
Kaitlin- thats okay, we love that you review at all :)... I am trying to update twice a day now, because we are so far along with the story!!!  
  
Tilde8884- Yep we are right back at square one angst ville. Sex makes everything go bonkers... yeah she shouldnt have drank though... stupid abby..tsk tsk!  
  
CamilaC- YAY! You can review again WHOOOOOOOOO! hehe, anyways yeah damn abby, poor carter is right, well for now at least.   
  
Caroline25- Sorry I didnt get to update last night, it was a rather busy night for me. I don't remember if we see jealous Carter, I think we see Semi- Jealous Carter, but not totally jealous Carter. We actually have a chapter coming up soon (by soon i mean in like 30 chapters) that was 10 pages long on word....  
  
kate- hehehe Ernie, fuzz and Ernie, I'll see what I can do for you!   
  
hyperpiper91- haha you hit the nail right on the head, Carter is a bit of a jerk for a while I will tell you that much, but we all have our jerky moments, don't we?  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan- don't be scared, the next couple of chapters are exciting:D   
  
ER-Carby-Luva- haha I know its all about the word 'fucking' it really is. Haha, don't worry things can only look up.  
  
MrsWyle- :( Abby has to smarten up.  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
I hear the key in the door and it turning. I forgot one minor detail for a while. I would have to face Abby. "What the hell are you doing here?"   
  
"So Sam called you?"  
  
Why is she so surprised. Obviously I"m the more reliable, responsible one in this big mess.   
  
"Yeah."  
  
A look of dejection crosses her face for a brief minute and then anger overthrows it. I look back at the door, and she seems to follow my gaze. She walks up to it, closes it, and starts to head towards the living room. I follow her for the sake of having one less thing to argue about. 


	52. holding onto last thread

Authors Note- I know i just finished posting chapter 51, and now, 52 is up. You must all be saying what the heck is with that? well truth being I don't know lol, but here is your second chapter for hte day! Not many responses though, cuz not many people have read 51... so go read that if u skipped it thinking that I only added one chapter today!(something I would do lol)   
  
I walk back into the patients room, how dare she. How fucking dare she. My shoulder hurts like hell from where she threw it at me. That is most definitely going to leave a bruise. I apologize to the man sitting nervously on the gurney. I finish his sutures, trying to steady my hands from anger. And frustration. I'm more frustrated than anything else. I'm a little mad. But who wouldn't be. I have the right. I sign off on his chart and head towards the admit desk, everyone's eyes glued to me. I shoot the nurses a few dirty glances and go look for Susan. She's standing at the desk, chart in hand.   
  
"Susan, I"m going home. I'll pull off an extra two hours tomorrow night."  
  
I don't wait for her to respond. I walk into the lounge quickly gathering my coat and bag. I head towards the el, hoping to get home and take a break. Somehow this will all get sifted through. Somehow. I'm just not exactly sure how. I'm standing on the platform waiting for the train when my phone rings. I grab it out of my pocket and look at the caller id. It's Sam. I flip it open and try to steady my voice.   
  
"Hello?"  
  
I don't know why Sam would be calling me. Unless it was an emergency.   
  
"John? Listen, it's Bryce. I know he was supposed to spend the night, but he spiked a fever. 100.1"  
  
Damn it. Anything else want to go wrong today?   
  
"I'll be there in a few minutes to take him home."   
  
I didn't wait for her to ask what to do. This was Bryce. The kid is sick. And I can' let him go home to just Abby. Hell knows she'll get drunk again and let him deal with everything himself. I grab the green line towards State. I run a little when I get off. Bryce is a pretty resilient kid, and when he gets sick, he gets sick, the whole deal. I don't want to risk anything. Sam opens the door and we head to him. He's lying on the couch, looking a little bit pale. He's in his jacket ready to go.   
  
"How ya feel?"  
  
I ruffle his hair and he starts to laugh a little.   
  
"I'm okay. Just a little sleepy."  
  
I help him off the sofa, and thank Sam on my way out. She's really sweet about everything. How come I didn't meet her instead? Or date her? Or marry her? Or fall in love with her? I put my arm around Bryce's shoulders and we slowly head back towards the L. He's a bit out of it, but I can tell he's trying to convince me he's fine. He's dehydrated, probably catching the flu or something similar. The ride home is a little long, but that's mostly because I can feel Bryce's pulse rate a little low so I'm worried. He needs fluids, not necessarily an IV. But plenty of water. We get upstairs and I order him off to change and to bed while I grab some water and hopefully some type of fever reducer. I shuffle around the cabinets and find some Children's Tylenol. That should work. I walk back into the room and hand the glass and little cup to him. I laugh at his appreciative face. That stuff tastes like crap. I'll admit it. I remember it. I turn off the TV he had turned on, and I walk out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar.   
  
"Yell if you need anything."   
  
But he's probably on his way to a good dream about Dylan right now. That stuff will knock a full grown man out, much less a little kid. I sit down at the kitchen table and pull out my paperwork and charts. Chief Resident never came without its responsibilities. And I"m way behind. After about an hour or so I go to check in on Bryce. His fever seems to be going down, but the sound of his breathing, I'm not liking it much. I should check that out when he wakes up. Right now he's snoring loud enough to wake the dead. Poor kid. Everyone hates to be sick. And I hate having Bryce sick. I walk back to the kitchen table and attempt to finish the rest of my ever growing pile of charts.  
  
I hear the key in the door and it turning. I forgot one minor detail for a while. I would have to face Abby if I intended to keep a vigil over Bryce. She opens the door and shuts it behind her. She walks a bit in, and we meet gazes. I see a look of scorn forming on her face, and I probably respond the same way.   
  
"What the hell are you doing here?"   
  
I bite my lip. Bryce is sleeping with the door open only a few feet away.   
  
"Bryce is sick. He's running a high fever."  
  
I say it so monotone. As if I were telling a family member of a patient who would have no clue what I was talking about.   
  
"So Sam called you?"  
  
Why is she so surprised. Obviously I"m the more reliable, responsible one in this big mess.   
  
"Yeah."  
  
A look of dejection crosses her face for a brief minute and then anger overthrows it. I look back at the door, and she seems to follow my gaze. She walks up to it, closes it, and starts to head towards the living room. I follow her for the sake of having one less thing to argue about.   
  
She walks towards the middle of the room, away from the passageway, and turns towards me. Hands on her hips, she looks fed up and infuriated. I put my hands in my pockets. She is not blaming this on me. It's not her way out anymore. I refuse to be blamed for every little mistake she makes.   
  
"What the fuck do you think your doing?"  
  
I look at her, a bit thrown back by her sudden outburst of hostility.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
She rolls her eyes at me.   
  
"I'm his BIOLOGICAL mother. Don't you think I deserve to fucking know if he's sick first?"  
  
Heaven only knows why Sam called me first. But thank god she did. Abby looks like mess and a half.   
  
"I was off. You were working."  
  
I'm trying to keep this argument to a minimum. Even though Bryce is out for the day, I don't want to risk waking him.  
  
"Don't give me any of that bullshit."  
  
I steal a glace back at the door. No sound. No movement. Okay.   
  
"Then don't' give me any of yours. Just because I'm not at a party with you does not mean you can go screw every guy there while your drunk."  
  
I think I just hit delicate territory because she seems about ready to kill someone or something.   
  
"I wasn't drunk."  
  
She's starring off at the wall now. Why do I know she's lying?  
  
"Like hell! You could barely keep your balance this morning!"  
  
She stares straight back at me, eyes burning through me. I would be dead if looks could kill.   
  
"I got home. That's when I started. When you didn't show up."  
  
She says it all rushed and mumbled. I start to shake my head. Unbelievable. It's all my fault. Again.   
  
"When I didn't show up? You probably didn't even want me there. What is it? Am I not good enough for you? Why don't you call Ted? Or your newest fuck. I don't give a damn."  
  
She's digging into her own skin with her nails. I see the blood begin to trickle down her arms. Not a lot. But enough.   
  
"Asshole."  
  
I had turned back around at that point.   
  
"I'm the asshole? I would never let my ten year old son see me drunk, much less DRINK at ALL!"  
  
Words are coming out of my mouth, forming on their own. I have lost control over everything right now.   
  
"It was one time."   
  
She's lost. She knows she's lost. But she's not giving up yet.   
  
"One time is all it takes."   
  
She looks at the window, then back at me.   
  
"Why the hell is everything about me and my drinking? One time and suddenly it's ruining everything."  
  
I take a deep breathe. I need this to come out calmly. That's a joke. I know it won't. As soon as I open my mouth I know it won't.   
  
"Because all it takes is one time! You're an alcoholic, Abby. Deal with it. You're never gonna be able to have just a drink. And your never going to be happy unless you let someone in. I want to understand you. But I can't."   
  
She starts to shake her head.   
  
"There's nothing to understand. I'm a fucking alcoholic whore who sleeps with every guy she meets. I'm miserable and depressed and I've managed not to only fuck up my own life but also my son's life."  
  
I bite my tongue. It doesn't work.   
  
"Sounds about right."  
  
I start to turn away.   
  
"Don't you dare leave."  
  
I start to head towards the kitchen.   
  
"Why shouldn't I? You do it all the time."  
  
Of course I'm not leaving. I wouldn't dare leave Bryce with her.   
  
"Carter!"  
  
Her voice isn't angry. It's more pleading than anything. I turn around and she's standing there, the look of exhaustion and defeat on her face. I refuse to give in. It doesn't fix the matter that she did kiss, or sleep with, or whatever with someone else. And it doesn't fix our problems. It's time for her to figure it out now. I"m done.   
  
Her pulse is racing, I can see it, she's breathing heavily. I know this isn't completely over either.   
  
"Would you guys just stop!!"   
  
We both whip around to see Bryce, he's crying a little, covered in blankets. Neither of us had realized. We'd forgotten all about him for that brief second.   
  
"Just stop... Please.. Just stop..."  
  
He's sobbing a bit. This has to be hard on him. Especially being sick. And now us. I shoot him an apologetic glance, but steer clear of Abby's view. I head over to him, but he shoves me away.   
  
"Just leave me the hell alone."  
  
He runs back into his room and slams the door. I look at Abby. We both exchange the "it's all your fault" looks. It's all her fault. No. It's half mine. I walk back over the couch and sit down, burying my head into my hands. What are we going to do? We can't keep on doing this to ourselves and Bryce. Mostly Bryce. She sits down, I feel her weight indent the cushion next to me. I don't know what else to do. What else can we do? I grab her hand and intertwine our fingers. After a few seconds, she collapses against me, and I can feel her tears soaking my shirt. I want to put my arm around her so badly. And tell her everything's going to be okay. But I'm not so sure it will. I just don't know anymore.  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"I just- you-" He shakes his head,  
  
"I can't believe you kissed someone" He pushes his hair back sighing.   
  
"Carter, I didn't." I look over at him.  
  
"sometimes I wonder if its worth all the pain we are causing,"  
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
vicki- lol public fights would be really embarrasing... but i guess when you're in the heat of the moment anything goes??? LOL!   
  
honeybear1(CHAP 50)- We have about 40 more to post, we haven't finished the fic though, its nearing it though. Jamie's a problem, cuz he's a guy and they get jealous easily when they think someone is messing around with their women. LOL never quite understood it myself lol. 


	53. support

Authors Note- Sorry I have not updated in a while, I had a busy new years eve which left me with being tired and getting ready for new years eve and not having time to update this fic... I did try yesterday but ff.net was being weird and wouldn't let me update I don't know what was going on there but its happened a few times before anyways, after two days without posting I am finally posting. I will probably post a few more times today as a treat for neglecting my updating! Thanks for reading I hope you all had a great new years eve and happy NEW YEARS!!! 2004 here we come... Hopefully carby will be married by the end of it:D!  
  
"Oh god, I don't know what the hell has happened to me." I look up at John pushing my hair out of my face, he sits back against the couch, I do the same. His arm flops around me, I lean into him resting my head on his shoulder. "I just- you-" He shakes his head, "I can't believe you kissed someone" He pushes his hair back sighing.   
  
"Carter, I didn't." I look over at him.  
  
"Yes you did." He shakes his head.  
  
"No, he kissed me. He didn't even hit my mouth, it wasn't reciprocated. It was disgusting, I spent the whole night worrying about you. I thought it would come to this and I got so depressed I decided to drink. Drink all my unhappiness away." He looks at me, a bit unsure. "Why are you telling me all this?" His voice quiet.  
  
"Because I love you. I love you more then any one, or anything." Tears keep streaming down my face, he wraps his arm around me tighter, pulling me onto his lap. "I love you too. I am sorry I didn't tell you about not wanting to go to Susan's. I just needed to get away from everything for one night, you know all the hiding from each other." He kisses my neck. "I won't hide from you, I just need sometime I guess." I push my hair back and lean my head onto Carter's shoulder, looking at the bedroom door. "We are hurting him as much as we are hurting each other." I sigh.   
  
"Yeah, sometimes I wonder if its worth all the pain we are causing, then I remember it is you, and you are worth anything. I just wish we could leave him out of it." He wraps his arms tighter around my waist. "Maybe we should." I state.  
  
"What?"  
  
"We, could uh- well make a deal, any fight we have, that's about us. Your drinking, or you kissing another guy, or whatever the case may be. We talk about it you and I, and we leave his name out of everything." I explain.  
  
"Deal!" He kisses my cheek. "We should go talk to him."   
  
"I know, we are destroying him." I get up, and Carter follows.   
  
Walking into the bedroom Bryce is covered from head to toe in blankets. "Go away." His tiny voice says. I walk over to the side of the bed, lifting the covers off of him to see his tear stained face. "Not feeling good baby?" I rub his cheek. He flinches at my touch. "Bryce, honey." I sit down on his bed, and he looks at me. "I am sorry you had to hear that."  
  
"You shouldn't be sorry about that, you should be sorry that you cheated on Carter and are an alcoholic again." He spits at me.  
  
"Hey, hey." Carter interjects, sitting down behind me. "She didn't cheat on me Bryce. A man kissed your mother, more forced himself on her." This was the truth, I felt so dirty after, and I'd much rather my ten year old not know this, but I think he has to in this case. "Why would he do that?" He asks quite disgusted.  
  
"Some men are just like that, when a women won't give them what they want they force themselves on them." Carter explains.  
  
"Like rape?" Bryce answers.  
  
"Something like that, but less traumatizing." I add. Bryce looks at me, a little gleam of hope in his eyes. "Are you okay?" He grabs my hand and yawns. "Yes I am sweetie." I lean down and kiss his hot forehead. "Jesus, you are hot Bryce." I say moving away. Carter reaches forward and feels nodding in agreement. "So you are drinking again?" He has to bring this up, this wouldn't have happened if we had put Bryce in his bed instead of ours, yes I said ours. "Once. I am going to go to meetings though. I am not sick anymore." I rub the back of his hand soothingly. "But, I am going to go get some help to make sure I don't get sick again." I reassure him. He smiles at me, He has had a tough day, being sick and then hearing us fight. "I am tired, I just want to sleep." He is dosing in out of sleep. "Okay, we will go and let you sleep." Carter says grabbing me around the waist and lifting me out of the room. He laughs watching us go.   
  
We get out of the room and he pins me up against the wall planting kisses along my neck. "I never want to fight with you like this again." He says in between kisses.   
  
"I agree." I wrap my arms around his waist, pulling him in closer to me. His lips make there way up to my mouth, planting soft, tender kisses on my lips. He pulls away slowly sucking on my bottom lip. "My beds taken." I sigh.   
  
"The kitchen table isn't." He smiles seductively, and leads me by the hand over to the fridge, he grabs my ass and pins me up against the fridge, the kisses, running down lower then my neck now. He runs his fingers around my waist and slowly lifts my shirt up, tracing small patterns on my stomach with his fingers as he does so. His lips finding mine. Every second my shirt is lifted a bit higher, his hands reaching up underneath, slowly moving up to my breasts, his right hand massaging, his left on my ass. I slowly kiss his neck and he responds with a soft moan, I look him in the eye, he smiles, and I know this will definitely be happening. My shirt goes over my head, and he makes his way down my chest, leaving a trail of kisses along the way. My bra is slowly un hooked and dropped to the floor as my nipple are caressed by his tongue, I reach down and un buckle his belt, then move my hands up to rip his shirt from his body. He lifts his arms up and off the shirt comes. I run my hands up and down his chest as he goes back to working on my nipples. I move my hands back down to his belt buckle, and roughly unbuckle it. "OH MY GOD." We both stop and look at a shocked Bryce. His face red with embarrassment, as he high tails it to his own room this time. "AHHH!" He screams. We both look at each other out of breath, and horny, but with a ten year old whose sex life is probably ruined because of this. "I can never go back in that room, god knows how many times you've done it there!" He screeches from his bedroom. "Now the kitchen? I eat there. The only pure place in this house is ruined." Carter starts to laugh, and I lean against his chest. Poor Bryce. I wanted that pretty badly too. Carter leans down picking up our clothes and handing mine to me. We put them on, on the way too his room. Carter opens the door, his face is in his pillow. "Bryce." I whisper.  
  
"I can't believe that." He whispers. "Ah- I didn't-" He can't even finish his sentence. "Bryce, Look." Carter starts. He rolls over and looks at us.  
  
"Well, I'm glad you decided to put clothes on. I'm sorry I just wanted some water, I'm glad your not fighting, I hoped you would make up, not make out, on my fridge." He shakes his head. "Go back to your- I guess business."  
  
"Bryce-" I start.  
  
"I'm fine mom." He rolls onto his side and closes his eyes, I'm sure the image is burned into his mind though. Carter grabs my hand and off we go, back to the bedroom.   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
honeybear1- Thank you, we work hard at the fighint- making up thing.  
  
Amanda- hehehe i know and we didnt even have any plans like this when we first started out. We just had the basics like Abby would start her residency at county, carter and she would not get along, and Bryce would love Carter, they would eventually hook up and that would be that. But it turned into this big eleborate fic lol, that we love writing.  
  
hyperpiper91- Thank you- yeah Abby isn't drinking in that chapter, Carter hes a man if he wasnt a jerk from time to time i would really be concerned lol... wheres the dude?   
  
MrsWyle- heh. somtimes abby can be hard to pity lol.   
  
Nat- I wouild like to tell you the angst stops, but I don't want to lie to you  
  
HardcoreCarbyFan- hehe I know holdinghands is cute  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- thank you... I think this will be the only update today :(... don't worry everything will be okay, maybe not right away, but it will. We are ending the fic soon though, because we want to end it while we still like it. (don't we are at like chapter 97)  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan- don't worry this chapter and the next should make you feel better.  
  
Allie- I really don't think that words in her vocabulary at the moment  
  
Tilde8884- Don't worry it will be okay soon. Fuzz rocks  
  
Carterbabe- hehehehe  
  
CamilaC- awww thats so sweet... she really knows how to write doesn't she... (I write odd chapters, Sylvia writes even)   
  
Tilde8884 (CHP 51)- awww angst can be good though... its neat to see them work it out...Yeah it was crazy not to tell him about the kiss, it was probably hard though.  
  
hyperpiper91 (CHP 51)- Dude, hows it going? I'm sorry I made you cry, it wasn't my intention, okay maybe it was, a little lol. Fuzzy Carter might be able to be arranged, but I am warning it could take a while before he's back in full throtle.  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan (CHP 51) - Yeah he has some reason to be upset, but yeah know men they can be weird sometimes.   
  
Amanda (CHAP 51)- Yup, yup, yup!  
  
Lucy- haha yeah she is a little crazy right now, but we all have those moments.  
  
CamilaC- me too ugly things need to be tlaked about... thanks we try to make it as realistic as possible.  
  
Mickey- If they were happy all of the time it would not be very realistic cause no one is always happy. I know Abby is kind of hateable right hnow, but 'how the tables can turn' Don't worry the Carby love is coming.   
  
JanBry- Haha you are so right lol, you can't take sides they are both dicking aorund, I guess yuo could take Bryce's side, he's sorta getting the crappy end of the stick,   
  
CARBYforever- lol thanks I am soooooo glad you love our story so much, unfortunetly all good things must end :(  
  
IDontWriteIJustRead- hey you, I was wondering where you went to, I am so use to your reviews, you might have told me you were oging away but I forgot :( I'm sorry so many ppl going away. Yeah the drinkning came into play a bit, yeah I find Carter needs to get off his high horse sometimes in the show too... Yeah well the kiss thing, he is a man and well they do over react, wow thats sexist of me, lol, anyways yah I guess he was a little peeved I don't think he is all that sur ehow much Abby loves him, he is a little insecure in that feel.  
  
kate- Hey I'm glad you still love the story :D... i am sorry that i haven't posted in a while... busy last couple of days this usually doesn't happen to me, I tried posting new years eve but ff.net was being funny for me and I couldnt get it up. :(  
  
Caitlin015- yah sometimes grown ups need to grow up lol.   
  
Ashley- Thanks! Don't worry we have a really long one coming up soon.   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"Well, Dr. Carter, I'm all yours."  
  
That's my cue. Okay so I promised to be gentle. I will be. Maybe next time. Right now I need her. Hard. Fast. Crazy.  
  
I start to kiss around her nipple. "Well I promise not to hurt you."  
  
She starts to laugh. "Get on with it, honey, I'm horny and tired." 


	54. hope

Authors Note- Hey just a quick update today, I meant to update earlier, but I slept the whole day lol so I will update again tonight! I hope you enjoy this chapter:D  
  
We rush into Abby's bedroom locking the door behind us, laughing so hard we can't breathe. Okay, so maybe it wasn't that funny for Bryce, but he seriously asked for it. All those comments got him something. Abby and I are both bright red.   
  
"Do you think we'll ever live that down?"  
  
She bursts out laughing again, pulling me along towards the bed.   
  
"No. I"m seriously thinking of therapy for the kid."  
  
I can't stop laughing. This is a serious matter. We're getting closer and closer to the bed.   
  
"Well I've got a different therapy in mind for tonight..."  
  
She looks at me seductively.   
  
"Well, Dr. Carter, I'm all yours."  
  
That's my cue. Okay so I promised to be gentle. I will be. Maybe next time. Right now I need her. Hard. Fast. Crazy. Her shirt has been off for a good couple minutes and I'm just barely realizing this now.   
  
"Yeah know, in fact he has seen your breasts before. Plenty of times actually."  
  
She looks at me suspiciously.  
  
"You breastfed right?"   
  
She rolls her eyes.   
  
"Don't remind me. I was sore every day for like a year."  
  
I start to kiss around her nipple.   
  
"Well I promise not to hurt you."  
  
She starts to laugh.   
  
"Get on with it, honey, I'm horny and tired."   
  
Her hands are places where I only dreamed they could go. I'm enjoying this too much. Way too much.   
  
"Mom!!! Mommm!!!"   
  
And exasperated sigh from us both.   
  
She looks at me and give me the face. I nod my head. Way too obvious. She starts to laugh against, giving me a another kiss before rolling off the bed.   
  
She opens the door and Bryce is standing there with his hand over his eyes.   
  
"You have clothes on?"  
  
I see her hit him in the head.   
  
"What do you need?"  
  
I love you Bryce, but you really gotta go. NOW.  
  
"I can't sleep."  
  
I sigh loudly, and Abby starts to giggle again. Bryce looks at Abby, then at me, and back to Abby. He closes his eyes and I can only imagine what picture must be playing in his mind. Of course I don't mind it.   
  
"Go lie down. I'll be there in a sec."   
  
She turns around to me.   
  
"Cold shower it is, huh?"  
  
She rolls her eyes.   
  
"And you ask why I want to lock him in a closet from time to time?"  
  
I throw the pillow at her.   
  
"I'll join you in there in a few minute."  
  
She leaves through the open door. I can see her hard nipples through the thin shirt she has on. Oh boy, poor Bryce. He's been through enough for one night. I get out of bed, heading towards the adjacent shower, turning on the cold tap water. It's going to be a very long night. How the hell can we get rid of Bryce?   
  
I get out the shower about 30 minutes later, and she's lying in bed.   
  
"Took you long enough."  
  
I climb in next to her, biting on her earlobe.   
  
"We can't. He's wide awake."  
  
I collapse back against the pillows. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.   
  
"Okay, so we can talk."  
  
She pulls the covers closer around herself.   
  
"About?"  
  
I lie my head on her chest, she start to play with my hair.   
  
"Your son's therapy."  
  
She hits me. Yeah, I think I deserved that one.   
  
"Well, about us."  
  
I turn my head towards her so I can see her face. She's looking down at me.   
  
"What about us?"  
  
I shrug my shoulders.   
  
"Well we could start with your drinking."  
  
She instantly tenses up a little.   
  
"Abby.. I'm not trying to scold you. I'm worried about you."  
  
She avoids eye contact at all costs.   
  
"Just promise me you'll go to meeting? If not for me, then Bryce?"  
  
She nods her head. I lean up and give her a kiss.   
  
"And will you promise me that you'll listen to me?"  
  
I lay back down.   
  
"Yes, if you will talk."  
  
She curls up next to me.   
  
"You know what?"  
  
I throw the comforter around us, even closer.   
  
"What?"  
  
It's nice and comfy. I hope it stays this way.   
  
"I think we're gonna be okay."  
  
I kiss her.   
  
"Yeah. We will. But your son is another story."  
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
hyperpiper91- Hey dude... you better not forget the dude again lol... ummmm Ernie hmmmmm!  
  
Kaitlin- Hey, yah Bryce wasn't having a great day :(  
  
Tilde8884- AHHH I would cry if I found out my brother was concieved in my kitchen :'(. I walked in on my older brother :S was bad enough...  
  
Amanda- I feel bad for Bryce too... atleast they had their pants on.  
  
Caroline25- Haha the bathroom... we may be able to write that in!   
  
MrsWyle- fuzz rocks... happy new year :D  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- I saw that promo its so retarted because Carters stupid but it gives me hope cuz if Carter and Abby were over for good and they are both over each other then why did they put Abby's reaction in the promo? If they don't care about each other and that flame is out then what does her reaction matter? I duno I don't think they are over... Ep 1 is good...sorta it made me sad but atleast they had scenes together. I think we are over 100 now and we are trying sooo hard to end it lol '  
  
CARBYforever- thank you:D!  
  
Caitlin015- hahaha so would I.   
  
ER FANatic- Don't worry there will be many cliffhanging moments down the road haha. I'm glad you like the fic so much!!! oh and I write Abbys POV and Sylvia writes Carters POV   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
I walk closer, and sit on his bed, my hand going to his forehead, he's burning up, I can feel the sweat on him. I feel his forehead again, god he is way over 100 now. I reach for his wrist checking his pulse, its there, barely but its there. I try to wake him up by saying his name over and over again. He's not waking up. God I hope he's okay. 


	55. pulling together

Authors Note- Hey guys just a warning, this chapter may not be medically acurate becuase I'm not a doctor so I was just winging it lol. Anways here it is!  
  
55  
  
~*~   
  
I feel poking on my back, one, two, three, one, two, three. Poking too a beat. I open my eyes, squinting, to shade my eyes from the sun. "What are you doing?" I ask looking at Carter who is barely awake. "Uh- sorry." He says smiling.  
  
"No your not." I sit up in bed and move closer to him, as he wraps his arm around my waist. I rest my head against his chest, taking in the moment. We didn't get to have sex last night, but just being with him was good enough for me. He plays with the ring on my finger, I look up at him and he smiles back at me. I know I want to be with him forever, but if anything kills us it would be our fighting. We say things we don't mean. Things that come out so rude and harsh. I shudder at just the thought at some of the things that has left both of our mouths. "I'm going to go check on Bryce." I say unravelling my self from his strong hold on me. He pulls me back and lays a kiss on my forehead. "Okay, I'm getting up too." He follows me out of the room, going to the kitchen as I walk into Bryce's bedroom. I open the creaky bedroom door, and look at his peaceful form. He looks pale though, paler then I remember him being last night. I walk closer, and sit on his bed, my hand going to his forehead, he's burning up, I can feel the sweat on him. I pull the covers back off of him, he must have too many covers on him. I feel his forehead again, god he is way over 100 now. I reach for his wrist checking his pulse, its there, barely but its there. I try to wake him up by saying his name over and over again. He's not waking up. God I hope he's okay. "Carter!" I shriek. I am so panicked. He comes running in, sensing the urgency in my voice. "What's wrong?" He asks placing his hands on Bryce's forehead. "He- he has a weak pulse, he won't wake up and he's burning up." Carter whips into doctor mode. "Call an ambulance, we are going to county." He says sharply. I do as he says.   
  
The ambulance ride seemed to take forever, Bryce woke up momentarily. I am not sure what he has, and this makes me nervous. I want this to be over with and him to be better soon. The ambulance pulls to a halt. Carter jumps out first, Susan and Pratt already there waiting and astonished to see us. Carter gives them the bullet and I numbly walk behind watching my son be felt for a pulse and medical terminology I know all to well, being said about him. The gurney bursts through the Trauma doors, I can feel arms on me, urging me to stay outside. I don't know whose they are and I don't fight them. I watch as Carter, Susan and Pratt work away on him. Once they use those paddles I don't know what I will do. The Doctor in me will know it is all over, yet the mother in me will not believe it. My son was healthy yesterday with what we thought to be a minor flu bug. Carter is now rubbing his breast bone. Bryce blinks and opens his eyes slowly, I breathe a sigh of relief and burst through the doors suddenly full of energy. As Pratt walks past me, rubbing my shoulders. "He's going to be okay." He whispers on his way out, while Susan smiles sympathetically. I walk over to Carter, he is checking his heart beat and smiles at me. "He's okay." He sighs, grabbing my hand. I nod, tears filling my eyes. Bryce blinks up at us, the tube down his throat preventing him from speaking. I smile at him, walking over to the head of the bed. I push his hair out of his eyes. "Hey you." I place a small kiss on his forehead as he reaches for my hand. "Like an out of control flu bug." Carter says looking over the chart. I glance at it for a second then turn back to my son smiling. "You're going to be okay baby." I push his hair out of his face. Pratt walks into the room and smiles at us. "You want to take the tube out Pratt?" Carter offers. Pratt nods,   
  
"Okay kid, on the count of 3 I want you to cough for me okay?" Bryce nods, as Pratt counts. The coughing starts and this makes me wince, I hate hearing my son cough like that, even though it is an indication that he will be okay. "We are taking him to another room." Pratt says after a few moments. Carter and I both agree to this and hold on as he is wheeled away.  
  
I grab a can of pop from the vending machine as Carter comes up from behind me and envelopes me in a hug. He kisses me on the neck. "He's going to be okay, thank god." He sighs. I nod, and take the moment to enjoy his embrace. I need this after seven hours in the ER, for my son, who I thought was going to die. "I am so glad he's okay." I open the pop and take a sip. Carter rubs my arm. "Thank you." I whisper.  
  
"For what?" He looks at me.  
  
"For doing something I could never do. For taking care of my son."  
  
"Mine too. And if you had to you could have." He reassures me.  
  
"I'm so glad he's still ours, I was worried there for a moment that we were going to-"   
  
"Sh, don't say that." He cuts me off, rocking us back and forth.   
  
"I know." I sigh, I turn my body around to face him and he leans down kissing me gently. I'm so glad we are allowed to be in the Doctors lounge where it is quiet, and not so psychotic. "Let's go see that child." Carter says grabbing my hand and leading us out of the lounge. "They are keeping him over night for observation." He explains.  
  
"I am going to work, and be his doctor." Carter continues. "That way you can go home and get some sleep." He turns to look at me.  
  
"No, I'll stay here. You don't have to do that." I rub his hand.  
  
"I have the shift anyways, I understand that you want to be here though." He says smiling at me. We walk into his room, and Bryce is just sitting in bed starring blankly at the wall. "I am bored." He states plainly.   
  
"We can see that." I walk over to him and hold his hand.   
  
"Well at least this will save us the trip here we were going to make to remove my cast." He cracks.   
  
"I would have rather came tomorrow for that then go through this." I counter. He shrugs smiling. "Don't worry mom, just as you and Carter say too each other, all night and day we're going to be okay."  
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
Katie- Hey.. glad you like the story so much. Sorry abot the accuracy... we are not very medically acurate and by way over 100 i meant 103/104 lol thanks for reading.  
  
JanBry- Thanks... we try to make them amusing.  
  
kate- Thanks we are sooooooo happy we got 400 reviews :D!!!! Well Abby and Carter did shut their door in the last chapter... bryce was just being a goofball.. he did knock though.  
  
MrsWyle- awwwwwwwwwwwwww thanks :)  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- I think they'll be okay... i hope :S...   
  
Lisa- Aw I'm glad that this was the first fic you read :) Bryce is fighter lol... and a shuit disturber but yah gotta love him.  
  
IDontWriteIJustRead- lol they really are!  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan- yeah I hope Bryce gets better too.  
  
Tilde8884- Therapy is def. if Bryces future lol. Don't worry abby and carter will have their time for sex hehe  
  
AbbyLockhart2- haha I think you did get the 400th review, unless you didn't lol I duno lol!! Yup Bryceis cursed haha.  
  
Amanda- lol yeah poor Bryce is right that kid has some crappy luck lol.  
  
IDontWriteIJustRead- hehe yeah there def is a thin line between love and hate... Bryce medical problem hmmm  
  
HardcoreCarbyFan - haha I would too lol  
  
Caitlin015- Yeah its sad :(  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan-I don't think Bryce did need to see that it would freak him out. 


	56. fate

Authors Note- Two at once amazing lol... I know I forgot the preview for hte last one so I decided to post this chapter since I probably won't have time to later.   
  
I swing the door open and see Abby in the dull light, lying on the edge of Bryce's bed. She starts to sit up, and I head over to her, rubbing her shoulders.   
  
"You know you could get a bed in here?"  
  
She collapses against me and my arms go and grab her hands.   
  
"He told me to go home and disinfect the kitchen."  
  
I start to laugh, okay so the kitchen was the first available spot. What can I say? I'm adventurous.  
  
"He does have a point."   
  
Her hand comes up lightly and hits my thigh. I don't think she was aiming for anything. I watch Bryce sleep, and everything seems okay.   
  
"How about we head home?"  
  
She shakes her head no.   
  
"He'll be fine. Susan's here so he'll have the best care possible."  
  
She rolls her eyes at me.   
  
"Yeah, from a woman who boffed her husband in the washroom instead of responding to trauma."  
  
I pull on her hair, and she's looking up at me. Does she always have to be so difficult or is it just an early morning thing?  
  
"Abby. I"m tired. You're tired. Let's go home. Get a few hours of sleep and come back. He'll be fine. Don't make me carry you out."  
  
I start to pull her out the chair. She's getting up, but extremely reluctantly. I put my arm around her and know she's exhausted, she's barely picking up her feet. We grab our coats from the lounge and head towards a warm bed, at home. I didn't realize how tired I really was until I sat down on the train. We saw the sun slowly coming up as we made our way.   
  
She collapsed on the sofa as soon as we got inside. I followed her, and picked her up a bit, laying down and letting her rest on me. She wasn't going to fall asleep. I know that much by now. She's worried about Bryce, but I hope she might at least try to get some rest. She can seriously hurt herself and her health if she doesn't.   
  
"What are you thinking about?"   
  
She's playing with the edge of the blanket.   
  
"Fate."  
  
Such a strong topic for this hour of the morning.  
  
"What about it?"  
  
She places her chin on my chest, looking up at me.   
  
"Do you believe in it?"  
  
I shrug my shoulders. I never really thought about it. I think things happen as they were supposed to. I don't know if it's fate, but it's nature. It's just right.   
  
"Do you?"  
  
She lays her head back down.   
  
"I guess I do."   
  
I start to play with her hair.   
  
"I don't know. I mean destiny, and fate. Everything that supposed to happen, will happen, and its out of our control. Nothing will ever change that."   
  
I sort of believe in it. I mean it's fate that I"m probably here right now.   
  
"What about soul mates?"   
  
I feel like I'm being questioned about god.   
  
"I don't know if you would say I believe in soul mates either. But I do believe that one day you will find the one person who finally completes you as a person, and no matter how you try, you won't be able to forget them. That they will come into your life and change you in ways you never thought possible. It would be as if they could read your mind, understand you in every way possible, and love you without limitations."  
  
I'm talking about her. I guess I didn't' realize it till it was all out. I'm talking directly about her. She doesn't respond for a while, just cuddles up closer to me, finding my hand and holding it.   
  
"Do we have any control over who we love?"  
  
Medically proven, probably. But the real world answer: no.  
  
"I doubt it. It just sort of happens."   
  
I saw her pout a little.   
  
"And so does sex."  
  
We both manage a light, little laugh.   
  
"So were do you picture yourself, 10 years from now?"   
  
She lets out a sigh and a smirk .   
  
"Wherever destiny and fate take me."  
  
I pull her closer to me.   
  
"Are you worried or frightened?"  
  
She shakes her head, looking up at me slightly, smiling a bit.   
  
"They haven't steered me wrong yet... I'm here with you."   
  
I kiss the top of her head.   
  
"And as much as I love a good surprise. I'd rather know where I'm being taken."   
  
She shrugs her shoulders gently.   
  
"Where are you being taken?"   
  
I don't know. Hell I'm terrified that something will happen and I will loose her. But that's part of the game the gods decide to play. And I don't know how I would live without her.   
  
"Head-first and forever into love."   
  
She smiles a little and I can see her eyes beginning to grow heavy and close. I kiss her again and watch her sleep for a while before I join the same road.   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
hyperpiper91-Dude.... Don't worry Bryce is cool... haha maybe they could have an ernie and bert?   
  
kate- HAHA! You're right I love it... I read it before and I like pissed my pants laughing it is so freaking funny and true... haha thanks for that! haha. My question about him growing a beard in africa was- he always said it was so freaking hot there... if it was so hot why would he grow hair on his face???? Wouldn't that make him even hotter? Carter is a bit of a thinkhead sometimes lol!   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
I've been a bit lonely.  
  
He takes his shirt and pants off, climbing into bed. I keep my back to him, and take my clothes off... I turn around in his boxers and my bra, he gives me a look... a weird look. "What?" I ask puzzled. 


	57. back at the beginning

~*~  
  
I curl up closer to Carter, I love this movie. "When Harry Met Sally." Bryce already fell asleep so Carter took him into his bedroom. I feel Carters hand snake up under my shirt. I laugh a little. He leans down placing a soft but sensual kiss on my lips. "I love you." He says pulling away, our foreheads meet and we stay like this for a moment. "Love you." I respond. He rubs his fingers up and down my arm. "I am tired." Carter yawns. I smile and nod, me too. "Want to go to bed?" I look up at him.  
  
"Yeah." He gets up waking into the bedroom. It will be nice to spend the night together again, he's been working so much or had things to do at the mansion that prevented him from spending the night with me. I've been a bit lonely. I walk over to my dresser, pulling out a sweat shirt of Carters and a pair of his boxers. He takes his shirt and pants off, climbing into bed. I keep my back to him, and take my clothes off... I turn around in his boxers and my bra, he gives me a look... a weird look. "What?" I ask puzzled.   
  
He sighs, and then reaches under my pillow. Jesus Christ. How could I forget to get rid of it. "You promised." He sits up. I pull his sweater over my head. "It was just some wine Carter." I say sitting down on the side of the bed.  
  
"If it was just some wine, why did you hide it?" He is standing now. I look up at him. I can tell he is not pleased, but hopefully this will not escalate into a fight. "Because, you freaked Bryce out the last time." I shrug.  
  
"I didn't freak him out, you did!" He shouts.  
  
"Lower your voice, you'll wake him." I hiss. He shakes his head, a bitter smile on his lips. "Unfucking believable." He says pulling his pants on.  
  
"John-" I start.  
  
"What Abby? Are you going to make another promise that you can break? What about another excuse? Were you tired? What about lonely?" I get up and do the only thing I can think of. I push him. Not hard, but hard enough. He stumbles slightly, but regaining his balance quickly. "You have no fucking clue about my life, don't go act like I make up lame excuses like that!" I screech.   
  
"Yeah? So being an alcoholic is fine, as long as you have the right reasons. Well that makes it all better." He walks out of the bedroom, throwing his jacket over his shoulders. "John don't." My voice softer. He shakes his head and opens the door. The cold Chicago wind smacking us both in the face. "Don't what? Walk away?"   
  
"I thought we promised not to do this." I reason.  
  
"No, we promised not to bring Bryce into our fights, this has NOTHING to do with Bryce, and everything to do with you and your problem."   
  
"What problem?" I say louder. "Its not a problem, I had a drink."   
  
"Alone in your apartment." He sighs. "Look- I have to go." He tries to leave, but I grab violently onto his arm. He grabs for my hand trying to pry me off his arm. "Abby, don't do this. Don't make this into something that its not." He looks me in the eye.   
  
"What do you want from me?" I whisper.  
  
"Maybe instead of going for the bottle you could talk to me." He says removing my hand from his arm, and placing it by my side. "Fine you want to talk. We will talk!" I walk towards the kitchen, not sure of where to begin. He follows, the door creaks shut, "Okay- what do you want to know?" I ask sitting down at the table, only to immediately jump back up and onto the counter top. "Why you started drinking, again? There must be a reason." He sits down at the table waiting.   
  
"Bryce." I state plainly, not giving him much to go on.  
  
"Bryce?" He asks.   
  
"Uh- at school, lately they have noticed some weird behaviour, I am going into meet with the teacher on Monday."   
  
"Seems like normal kid stuff to me." Carter bites his bottom lip.  
  
"I think he's Bipolar John." I can tell his a bit shocked. He doesn't know much about my family history. "Uh- my mother and brother are both sick with the disease and my biggest fear in having Bryce was that he may turn out to be bi polar. As much as I love Maggie and Eric, uh-" he listens intently never taking his eyes off of me. "They are a handful, and I never wanted any child of mine to end up sick like that." I wipe the tears from my eyes. "The teacher noticed he was acting a little bit crazy, and I don't know it could be the effects of him bouncing from Richard's place to here, and the trial. Or it could just be a phase. I am just really concerned, it could be more." I am not completely crying, while looking at his cold expression. He stands up and tucks the chair in, walking towards the door. "Where are you going?" I get up chasing after him.  
  
"You- I-" He throws his hands in the air.  
  
"JOHN!" I yell.  
  
"I know, I know that you are worried. Worried that Bryce could be sick, and god so am I. I am pissed though. Pissed that you would not tell me, pissed that you would use this as an excuse to drink. I know its tough, but you have to stay strong for him. Say he is Bipolar, how are you two ever going to get through it if you are drunk all the time? Do you think he needs that? I mean his dad already hurts him, and his moms an alcoholic." Carter yells angrily. I wipe my forehead. "How can you not understand?" I cry, I try to run, but he grabs my arm, squeezing it tightly. It hurts, I try to push him off. I can't though, he won't let go. "Let go Carter." I shriek. He does slowly. Leaving me to fall to the floor. I curl my knees up to my chest and he stands over my watching as I cry. I can't believe my night turned into this. I can't believe I am a pathetic drunk. He's right though, what happens when I get so drunk I can't even take care of myself let alone make sure Bryce is taking his meds. "You don't even know if he is sick Abby, isn't the drinking a little premature?" Carter asks in a monotone voice. I look up at him, my face stained with tears. I shake my head. "You'll know once you are a parent that nothing is premature." He shakes his head at me, "Yeah, well you'd know best wouldn't you?"   
  
"What is that suppose to mean?" I stand up, realizing how pathetic I look.   
  
"What kind of mother gets drunk while her child sleeping in the room next to her?"   
  
"What kind of boyfriend grabs his girlfriend's arm so hard she can barley move it?" I say lifting up my sleeve showing the bruise that encircles my arm. He reaches forward lightly touching it, I flinch at his touch, and walk away. He follows. "I didn't mean to hurt you." He is standing behind me, I turn the knob and walk into my bedroom, he follows. I crawl into bed. He lies down beside me. "We have to work on this you know." He states leaning towards me. "Yeah."   
  
"We fight violently, and you have to stop drinking, you have to want to stop though, if not for yourself, for that little boy lying in the next room." He pulls me into his arms.   
  
"Yeah," I sigh.   
  
"Oh my god." He states, in shock.  
  
"What?" I look up at him. He is staring at my bruise, the light a bit better in here.   
  
"I hurt you." He says it as though he just figured this our. "I actually inflicted pain upon the person I love the most in this world." His eyes not leaving my arm. "I have to go." He gets up off the bed and leaves. I know he didn't mean too. I don't want him to go, but something holds me back from chasing after him. He didn't mean to squeeze, he just meant to stop me from leaving.   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
vicki- sometimes fate can take a turn though :S  
  
IDontWriteIJustRead- Hmmm the preview hmmmm.  
  
IDontWriteIJustRead (CHAP 55)- haha yes he does lol.  
  
hyperpiper91- Hey dude.... haha Ernie hmmm I duno where he's at....  
  
MrsWyle- yah a lotta weirdness in that chatper  
  
Tilde8884- haha i know Carter's so cute and corny sometimes ::sigh:: i wish he was still like taht in the show.  
  
CARBYforever- haha yeah they do need a vacation... they stress lots lol thats why they keep trying to haev sex haha  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan- haha Bryce's comments are so funny hehe  
  
HardcoreCarbyFan - haha yeah they really need to go somewhere, where htey can have sex like all the time...  
  
Caitlin015- thank you, hopefully there will be two everyday :D  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"Makes you want to give up on me even more right?"  
  
I start to shake my head. No. Never. I'll never give up on you. Only on myself. And the person I've become.   
  
"No. I mean your absolutely right. I am an alcoholic. Hell my life is spiralling out of control constantly. You don't wanna get sucked in." 


	58. Trying to cope

Authors Note- Blah... The end must come, and it did... Today is the last day of Christmas vacation and for that I am sad :'(... Is till have lots of things to do before I go back, so this has to bea real quick post today which means I didn't post any responses to your reviews, I will post them all tomorrow I promise, I didn't have a chance, but we are very grateful for all of your reviews we LOVE reading htem, they make our day :D!!! Anyways here is the next chapter its kinda of intense, I hope you all like it:)  
  
I can't believe I just did that. Its so unfair to her. I didn't mean to hurt her. I really hadn't. It just happened. I close the door behind me and start to head down the stairs. Tears brim my eyes and the cold wind makes them burn. I should go home. I should leave her. She is too good for me. She deserves better. I shouldn't have grabbed her, bruised her perfect skin. I was just so mad, furious, angry, everything. I sit down on the last cold cement step of the building. The sky is a deathly black colour, no stars, no moon, nothing. The wind rustles the snow on the ground, but the city seems to be lost. The wind stopped its effect on me. I like the silence. It seems to suit me better. Maybe I was meant to be alone. I look up at her window, the lamp in the front room has been turned on. She's probably starring at the black and blue on her arm. Bruises fade, but the pain remains the same. Unchanged. Forever. The bitter chill of the night begins to sink in. I feel the stinging of it in my ears, nose, and cheeks. It doesn't bother me as much as what I did to her. A rush of warm air hits me from behind. I know someone's there. Her shoes hit the ice and crack it. She's heading towards me. She sits down pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I didn't know she smoked. I guess I don't know a lot of things. She inhales on the cigarette and breathes out the smoke slowly, as if absorbing the good and letting out the bad. I finally manage to look at her, she's trying to hide the pain and hold back the tears. I just gave up. Its as if with every puff of smoke she becomes stronger. I know it's a lie. She's building up these stone walls again. And its all my fault. She throws the cigarette down and I watch it go out.   
  
"Makes you want to give up on me even more right?"  
  
I start to shake my head. No. Never. I'll never give up on you. Only on myself. And the person I've become.   
  
"No. I mean your absolutely right. I am an alcoholic. Hell my life is spiralling out of control constantly. You don't wanna get sucked in."  
  
I don't know what to say. What am I supposed to say? She'll just retaliate even more. Another one of those moments that can ever actually be fixed.   
  
"I completely understand. I mean that's why Richard left. I don't expect you to hang around. You don't have to."  
  
She's saying it so monotonely, as if she's saying it to get it over with, like a warning she does not want to issue.   
  
"Abby..."  
  
My voice died out. It let go.   
  
"I'm giving you your chance to leave with no strings attached. I don't want or expect anything from you."  
  
She starts to get up, rubbing her hands together. I want to move after her. I want to go begging for her forgiveness. For everything that we had. I want it back. I want that simple little life we used to life. Well it wasn't that simple, but it wasn't this complicated. How many times are we going to keep on doing this to each other?   
  
I heard her footsteps at the doorway, and she pauses for a brief minute. I knew about it. I knew she was waiting for me. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. It wasn't physically because I couldn't. Mentally I couldn't. I wasn't giving up. I just needed time to think. Think about how to make this better, how to work everything out. Because I love this woman more than life itself. She just doesn't realize it. And I doubt she really believes it. And I'll never tell her this.   
  
The door slams shut and the lock turns. After what felt like forever, I get up slowly, opening the black iron gate and marching into the path of the storm. I head towards the lakefront. It seems to be my comfort sometimes. Ever since I was a child, maybe it had to do with Bobby. Every time Bobby was able to go out, Grandpa would always take us out to the beach or for a walk on the shore. And I still do it every now and then. It helps me think.   
  
I reach the silent part of the lake, the snow falling at a steady pace. I don't care. I dont' know where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do. I've never felt more hurt in one day. I've never felt this kind of hurt ever in my life. I hate the person I am. Who I've become. What I've done. I love her. And I knowingly inflicted pain and misery upon her. Not that we don't have our problems. Not that she's perfect. But I love her for who she is, all her insecurities and faults as well.   
  
And I know what its to love and loose. I've done it all. I've never felt like this. Maybe after the stabbing, during rehab. Realizing Lucy wasn't coming back. I could have died. If not for Mark. And I lost him too. I guess I've just started to position myself away from people whom I care about because inevitably they will leave me. I had Mark. And he died. Not that it was his fault. I guess I blamed him, then the fates, them myself. But it's nature. I miss him. I wish he was still here to talk to. He would have helped me. But I need to move on. I'm not moving in the right direction, I know that. But it's the only way I know how to go.   
  
I follow the winding road until the cold is unbearable. But I'm only a few blocks away from the mansion. So I head home. There's nothing more to do. Nothing I can do. The house is at it's usually silence. A reminder that I'm once again, alone and forgotten. After Gamma died, I guess I had no reason to come. Then Abby and Bryce, and I once again found use. Now it just seems like another world I can get lost and lonely in. I tread up the stairs, loosing the battle with warmth. I'm still shivering. I don't care. I throw my coat and scarf on a chair in the hallway. I head into the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror. I hate the reflection looking back at me. I hate the person looking back at me. I hate myself. I completely hate myself. I open the drawer, looking for my toothbrush. I'm met by the glimmer of some of my razors, shaving cream, brushes, along with the bright orange bottles. I had never been tempted. I don't' know why I kept them. I grab the smallest one, Valium. I open it, looking at the little blue pills that once ran my life. I shut it and throw it onto the counter. I look back at myself. It seems to be the only way out. I need to get rid of the pain. I open the bottle back up, taking two out. Two is all I need. I'll be okay. I'll somehow get throw this. I swallow them, feeling the almost instant release as they go down my throat. It'll only happen once. Just tonight. I'll fix everything tomorrow. Only tonight.   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
I'm screwed up. I knew it all along, but now its escalated. I'm more then slightly mangled, I'm definitely not just messed up, I'm probably passed the screwed up stage too, on the brink of totally fucked. Not only have I screwed up my life, but my sons, and Carter. 


	59. Crashing

Authors Note- Okay so I didn't get to update yesterday... because my computer was being a bitch, so you will get three chapters today! Am I insane? Probably hehehe I hope you all like these chapters!!! The rest of the reviews are in the next chapter, I divided them up a bit.   
  
~*~  
  
I'm screwed up. I knew it all along, but now its escalated. I'm more then slightly mangled, I'm definitely not just messed up, I'm probably passed the screwed up stage too, on the brink of totally fucked. Not only have I screwed up my life, but my sons, and Carter. Jesus Christ, I can't do this anymore. I just- I can't be in such a fucking rut. I walk into my bedroom, in a daze, flopping down on the bed I reach in my night stand drawer and pull out a big bottle of tequila, I open the bottle, and bring it up to my lips, the smell causing a shiver through my body. I down the alcohol. It burns my throat, but this doesn't stop me. I need this, I don't think I can live without it. Maybe this is my new Carter. My new source of comfort, my new love. Sure the sex won't be as good with it, but hell I can have whom ever I want if I'm drunk enough. Or whom ever wants me. They will probably take my son away now, but I don't deserve him anyways. I continue to drink, drink till I can't even sit up straight. The bottle falls out of my hands and crashes to the floor.   
  
~*~  
  
"Mom," I feel a nudging at my side. "MOM!" I push my hair out of my eyes, groggily opening them. "Bryce." I say in a raspy voice.   
  
"Mom." His face falls, disappointment written across his face. "I thought you said you weren't going to do this anymore." He whispers.  
  
"I'm sorry, don't worry I'm fine." My stomach churns and I can feel it all coming up. I reach out grabbing on to Bryce's arm, I charge towards the washroom, collapsing on the floor in front of the toilet. I can feel Bryce standing over me watching as I vomit. Its a retched sound, I can tell he is cringing. Once the contents of my stomach have been emptied I look up at his face. "I bet it taste a lot better going down then it did comin' up." He spits, walking away. I lean my head against the cool toilet bowl, normally I would be disgusted by such an act, but right now I can't feel anything but sick.   
  
I sit there for awhile, I am not sure how long, moments maybe. I can't help but wonder what has come of my life? One minute I am happy in love, the next I am vomiting, while my ten year old watches over me making snide remarks. Oh god I'm Maggie. I can feel it coming up again, I lean my head into the toilet, except this time is different, this time a soft hand holds my hair back. "Don't give her sympathy." Bryce yells slamming the bathroom door. I look up, Carter is leaning over me frowning. "You did exactly what you said you wouldn't do." He scolded.  
  
"So did you." I counter. "You left, you prick." My voice is scratchy, the sound of it makes me even sicker. I am a sad excuse for a mother, a doctor, and a girlfriend. "Yeah." He nods, examining me closely. He comes up from behind me and lifts me up slowly, he hold me until my feet are secure on the floor. "Did he call you?" I reach my hand out to get support from the sink. I push Carter away from me, not wanting his help right now. "Yup." John answers walking away, he tosses his coat on the chair in my bedroom. I steady myself and slowly walk towards the room. The door is shut in my bedroom, I collapse on the bed. John stands over me watching. "Feel better?"  
  
"No." I answer, I put my hand up to my forehead, he hands me a glass of water and some pills, sitting down behind me, he lets me rest up against him while I drink the water and swallow the drugs. "I feel like shit."  
  
"No kidding, you have one hell of a hang over." He says standing up, so I can crash on to the bed. "Ugh." I sigh. He knells beside me, lifting up my sleeve, I can tell he is inspecting my bruise. "Still feel guilty about that?" I say bitterly, looking him in the eye. He pulls my sleeve down. "It will be fine." He spits standing up.   
  
"I know, I'm a doctor too yah know?" I sass.  
  
"You're not acting very Doctorly right now." He runs his fingers through his hair angrily. "I'm calling children's services." I sit up looking him in the eye, I blink once then reach for a hair elastic from the top of my dresser. I tie my hair into a pony tail. "Don't you fucking dare." I get up and push him, just like last night, accept this time he falls into the dresser, it shakes and a few things fall into his lap. "What's going on in here?" Bryce runs in, looking at us both, he sees Carter sitting on the floor. "Are you okay?" Carter nods.   
  
"Bryce, go get your coat-"  
  
"NO!" I shout at Bryce and Carter. "Bryce, don't you dare. Go to your room."   
  
"No, Sam and Luka are going to watch him for the day." Carter explains. Bryce looks at us. "You guys are really fucked up. You know that? I use to want you together, but now I wish you were apart." He slams the door. Carter stands up and looks at me, he reaches forward, I take a step back, but then he wraps his arms around my waist pulling me into a hug. The tears flow freely from my eyes. "He's right you know?" Carter whispers.  
  
"We have to get better John. We have to make this work." I look up at him.   
  
"There's a meeting, lets go. One step at a time." He assures me. I nod, and look him in the eye. "Let me get dressed." I push away from John and make my way into the shower, I am a sad excuse for a mother. I push open the door of the shower, and fall into it. Not trying to steady myself, my head is spinning I have no clue what I am doing. All I know is that I have a head ache. Carter bursts through the door, staring me up and down. "Abby, you take your clothes off before you get into the shower." He says between gritted teeth.   
  
"I know- I'm just a little." I wave my hand in the air, not sure exactly what I am, or what I am trying to say I am at the moment. "Can we do the meeting thing another day?" I plead.  
  
"No." He states firmly.  
  
"Well, seeing as I am my own person, I decide not to go." I try to get out of the shower, I manage to sit up straight, then slowly stand up. "You are screwing yourself Abby." He shakes his head at me. "Screw you Carter." I walk by him. I don't know what caused this sudden rage. "That's it." He flies out of the room, I follow wondering what he is going to do. He walks over to Bryce and grabs his coat, tossing at him. "Let's go, your staying with me." He walks through the hall Bryce and I on his heels. "Pack your stuff, you can back here when your mom is better." He glares at me. Bryce looks confused and turns to look at me. "No, Bryce you aren't leaving." I am calm now, well sort of.   
  
"Uh- I think I should mom." He quickly brushes by me throwing a few things into a bag,   
  
"Bryce, Carter and I are mad with each other, he is just acting out of hate for me." I say looking my son in the eye. "No mom, your a drunk." With that they leave. I want to follow, hell I want to chase them down the streets demanding Carter stay the hell away from the both of us. But I don't. I can't. I know John's right, I am a drunk, he'll go to court if he has to, to get sole custody of him. I hope he lets me see him. I won't drink anymore, maybe I could go to that meeting. I need my life back, my life in order. I am going back to where I was five years ago, I don't even know why I am like this now. I am happy, so happy. Happy with my job, happy with my son, happy with Carter. So why do I act like this? Why am I acting like this? I push my hair out of my eyes heading for that shower, I can start there at least. Then later I will dispose of the rest of the alcohol, that's right I'll call it steps to a better Abby.   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
honeybear1- Thank you, we do our best to make each subject we deal with fresh and orignial, so its not the exact same thing as other fics have included.  
  
hyperpiper91- Thanks dude, yeah Carter is an ass for lets say... 15 chapters or. lol nah I'm not really sure. Ernie hmm??? I'll I have to look into that one.  
  
ER-Carby-Luva- Yeah they have hit a rut in their relationship, but unlike the Carter and Abby on the show, our characters are sort of able to talk and communicate, even though its in a violent sort of way lol. Yeah the show is sucking ass right now, I'll be sure to tell you if there are any good Carby moments :D!  
  
MrsWyle- I wouldn't go as far to say Carter would never hurt abby, certainly not intentionally, but sometimes his temper gets the best of him. Abby is a little ungrateful over the next little while, but the tables do turn.  
  
Kaitlin- Well today we have decided to give you three I'm-sorry-that-you-have-to-get-up-at-six-in-the-morning-present... hehe I get up at 7:20 :P  
  
IDontWriteIJustRead- Haha sorry you will get your multiple chapters of happiness... eventually.  
  
smilez4eva- Thanks I am glad you liked it :D  
  
Amanda- Haha yes it is. Here are three more :D  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan- Don't worry this too shall end...  
  
Tilde8884- Yeah Carter is pretty emotionally distraught over the recent events.  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"Have you called to check up on your mother?"   
  
He shakes his head no in response. I hand the phone to him, and he quickly dials the number and lets it ring. No response for a   
  
while, and then he flips it shut.   
  
"She's not answering."  
  
I'm a bit concerned. Her cell was on, she's just not answering it. 


	60. being someone else

Authors Note- okay so this is the last chapter of the day :D I hope you liked it!!!  
  
I see Bryce crying in the passenger seat next to me. He's so worried about her. Worried that she will drink herself to death one day. He had to deal with this up to age five. And then it was pretty much just him and Abby. No one to help him when she went on one of her blind rages. And now she starts again. For no reason. I reach up and ruffle his hair.   
  
"We'll work on her. I promise."   
  
He starts to nod his head, wiping away some of the tears.   
  
I pull up to the hospital, I have a shift. Bryce doesn't look too happy about showing up here, but I see Alex come out and he pulls himself together and gets out to go with him.   
  
"Bryce, I have a half shift, so in about six hours okay?"  
  
He shakes his head, although I know he's not listening. He's making snowball to throw at Alex. I head in and see Susan at the desk.   
  
"Hey."   
  
I smile at her.   
  
"Hey yourself."   
  
She's paying more attention to the chart in front of her though.   
  
"I thought Abby was off today."  
  
I nod my head. Why was she questioning me about Abby. She never did before.   
  
"She is."  
  
She looks up from her chart and towards the Ambulance bay.  
  
"So why is Bryce here?"  
  
At this point I'm pulling off my coat, hat, and gloves, and getting ready to head to the lounge.   
  
"She needed time for herself, and Bryce is gonna stick with me."  
  
She accepts my answer and I turn away before she can ask any more questions. I swing into the empty lounge and collapse on the sofa. I have a huge headache, and I don't exactly know what from. My hands are shaking a bit too. It's probably the stress. The stress I've been going through the last couple weeks. It's worth it, but its just taking its toll on me. I head to my locker and throw my stuff inside. I head out into hell that is only known as County General.   
  
~*~  
  
Six hours later I am about ready to pass out indefinitely. Bryce was watching a movie in the lounge, probably ready to go home. I quickly throw my charts into my bag and grab my coat.   
  
"Ready to go?"   
  
He stands up eagerly, zipping his coat.   
  
"Yeah."   
  
I pull my cell out of my phone and open it, turning it on.   
  
"Have you called to check up on your mother?"   
  
Okay so I know I just called her a bit more formal, and a bit more aggressive. Not mom. Just mother. He shakes his head no in response. I hand the phone to him, and he quickly dials the number and lets it ring. No response for a while, and then he flips it shut.   
  
"She's not answering."  
  
I'm a bit concerned. Her cell was on, she's just not answering it. And she's on call tonight as well. I hope she's not drinking. I hope to god she's not drinking again. Because if she gets called in, she's going to have to come in. And that means she's going to be working drunk or during a hangover. But I don't think she's that stupid to come in. But who knows. Bryce is looking up at me, a worried expression on his face.   
  
"You wanna go check up on her?"   
  
He starts to nod his head, then changes his mind.   
  
"No. Let's go home."  
  
We head towards the car in silence. He's trying to be strong but he knows what the situation might be. It's barely five o clock but the sky is already dark. I pull up at the mansion and park the car. He hasn't really talked to me yet. I might try talk to him later tonight, but he seems so tired and out of it. I don't want to push it. I don't have another shift till tomorrow night so we might find a chance to talk inbetween then. He immeditely heads towards his room and I hear the door shut from downstairs. I walk upstairs to my bedroom to change, and when I flip the light on, the bulb burns out. Great. Darkness. I can't see a damn thing. I go towards the bed and sit down on it in the low light I see. I still have my headache, something's pulling me. I don't know what it is exactly but I know it's not good, and it's going to be the end of me. My hands are shaking more furiously than before. I can't see straight. I've been in this type of daze all day. I head into the washroom to get a glass of water, and instinctively I head for the bottle that I left on my counter last night. I"m not a drug addict. I'm in pain. My back still kills me especially after a shift on full trauma. I pull three tablets out of the bottle and quickly drink them with some water. I'm not a drug addict. I was. But not anymore. I head back towards the kitchen to prepare some dinner for Bryce and me, and hopefully try to call Abby again.   
  
Bryce joins me in the kitchen a few minutes later and puts his head down on his arms on the counter. I'm making a pizza in the oven only because it's the quickest thing right now for the both of us. I'm starving and he is too. He gets agitated if he's hungry. I grab the seat across from him. We had another 20 minutes before the pizza was ready.   
  
"Did you manage to reach her?"  
  
He shakes his head no again. Maybe she's purposely not answering because it's my cell phone. But she knows I have Bryce and that would be a stupid thing to do anyway.   
  
"You think she's okay?"  
  
He's looking up at me with pleading eyes, pleading for an answer I don't have.  
  
"Yeah, probably."  
  
The answer doesn't satisfy him, but it might comfort him just a little.   
  
I turn around heading back to the oven. My headache's gone and my hands stopped trembling. I probably just need to get away from the hospital and from Abby. Who knows how tomorrow is going to turn out. I still need to talk to Bryce, and I need to know if Abby's okay. There are charts to finish and paperwork to do for the foundation. I need more hours in the day.   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
CamilaC- Thanks we are trying are best to make Abby as realistic as possible... Yeah we finished the story yesterday... we have a special final chapter for everyone... We most likely will work on another fic together again though.   
  
smilez4eva(CHAP 53)- Haha sorry... I'll have to read the preview for this chapter to see what was so bad about it...  
  
CamilaC (CHAP 56)- thank you!  
  
CamilaC (CHAP 55)- Haha thanks Bryce rocks he is so awesome and fun to write for... we could never hurt him!!!  
  
CamilaC (CHAP 54)- haha cold showers HAHA!!! hehe  
  
CamilaC (CHAP 53)- Haha I was online and checking my mail whie you were reveiwing all of the chapters it was so funny I would check back every couple of minutes and I would find new reviews from you and smilez4eva.   
  
smilez4eva (CHAP 50) Vacation rocks I am so sad its over :(... Ernie :(  
  
smilez4eva (CHAP 47) YAY!!! YOU'RE BACK!!! I hope you liked all the new chapters :)  
  
AbbyLockhart2 - haha don't worry bout the craby ending lol... or should you...Lol thanks for being the first to review :D:D:D!!!!111  
  
Amanda (CHAP 56)- thanks... hold on though the fuxx could end for a while :(  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
Have you noticed a change in Carter?" He looks at me puzzled.  
  
"What do you mean? He's not a drunk if-"   
  
"I don't mean that." I say roughly. "Is he unhappy?" Bryce crinkles his brow.  
  
"I don't think so, I mean you two are acting crazy towards one another, it could be that. Maybe your fights are hurting him." He spits bitterly 


	61. pushing away

"Mom!" I walk out of my bedroom, a smile plastered across my face, he walks towards me, Carter stands at the door leaning against the door frame. I grab my son pulling him into a big bear hug. Its been five days since I've seen him, and I've been sober the whole time. I talked to him everyday on the phone, Carter on the other hand I have not spoken too since he took Bryce that day. "How have you been." I run my fingers through his short hair. Is it weird that I think he's gotten bigger? "Good, Carter and I hung out in his pool. Its awesome!" He is smiling widely, I hope his is not better off without me. "I missed you though, its not the same when you're not around." His smile fades a bit, but not before I can give him a kiss. "Aw mom come on." He whines wiping his face. "I'm going to hang out in my room for a bit. I could cut the tension, in here, with a knife."   
  
"Go." I direct his body towards his bedroom. Carter stands up straight staring me in the eye. "You want something to drink?" I walk away, avoiding his gaze, but as usual he follows. "No, thanks." He adds. He takes a seat at the table, still watching me.  
  
"What do you want John?" I roll my eyes and turn to look at him. He looks tired, worn out even. Hah, having a son to look after all the time really takes a toll on a person, and finally he is starting to feel some pain. "Nothing." He shakes his head sombrely.   
  
"Oh." He looks different, not worn out different, but a bad different, like something has changed. He's not the same guy I started to date three months ago. I walk towards him, slowly though, I don't want to startle him. He looks so fragile. We maintain eye contact, I am mere inches apart, I brush my hand against his somewhat unshaven face, he flinches at the touch, before resting his head in my hand. "What's wrong?" I ask softly. He shakes his head at me, his eyes are glazed over. Lack of sleep maybe?   
  
Suddenly he pulls away, pushing my hand down. "I uh I have to work, watch the kid will yah?" He takes off towards the door, I cross my arms across my chest watching him go. I have been so caught up in my self pity I haven't noticed my boyfriend slowly drifting away from me. We've only been together a few months, but I really love him. Maybe we are just not as close as I once thought. "Hey Bryce." I keep my eyes fixated on the closed door Carter walked out of just moments ago. "Yeah." He walks out of his room placing himself next to me, also watching the door. "You waiting for someone mom?" I turn and look at him. "Have you noticed a change in Carter?" He looks at me puzzled.  
  
"What do you mean? He's not a drunk if-"   
  
"I don't mean that." I say roughly. "Is he unhappy?" Bryce crinkles his brow.  
  
"I don't think so, I mean you two are acting crazy towards one another, it could be that. Maybe your fights are hurting him." He spits bitterly, I know he is talking about himself.   
  
"Bryce." I hold onto both of his arms. "I know things seem screwed up right now. Impossible even, but give us time." He nods at me.  
  
"I'm not bipolar." This comment throws me off completely,   
  
"What?"   
  
"I heard you guys fighting the other night." He explains, he takes a step back from me. "I just, I am having problems with the whole move thing, and all the stress I have been feeling from you and John. I mean, I love you both, but I don't want to deal with it anymore." He brushes his hand through his hair. "I'll see a shrink if you want. To prove to you that I'm not. I don't want you to worry." He says softly. I nod at him, I know he's right he probably doesn't have it at the time I was looking for any reason to drink. "Don't drink 'cause of me mom." He finishes my thought. I smile at him, pulling him into a warm comforting hug. "I won't baby, don't you worry."   
  
~*~  
  
"Wait in the lounge." I run into the ER Bryce's hand in mine. "I'll only be on for a few hours." I turn towards him, a look off disappointment on his face.   
  
"That's what you say every time." He wriggles free of my grip and runs towards the lounge. "Abby- Mr. Johnson in one." Carter tosses a chart at me, since when did we start being rude and hostile to each other? I must not have gotten the memo. "Okay." I walk off to the lounge, quickly hanging up my jacket and taking a moment to look at my pouting son. I sigh and leave the lounge as quickly as possible. I rush towards my patient, Carter is standing in the exam room, speaking with him. "I thought I was-" I start.   
  
"You were, I had to take over for you, since you were so late." He says rudely. Hey, I was called in on my day off, so bite me. He's awfully moody lately, by lately I mean today. "I was called in Carter." I spit back.  
  
"Yeah well, you could have been on time, being called in is no excuse."   
  
"My son was playing outside I had to tell him that the only day we were going to spend together would be here." I argue back, he is fuming as am I.   
  
"Can I speak to you next door." He says calmly. I nod and he leads the way. We walk into an empty, dark exam room. "What has gotten into you?" I say before he can start yelling at me. "What has gotten into me?" He shoves his hand roughly towards his chest.  
  
"YES! That's what I said wasn't it?" He takes a step back not breaking eye contact.  
  
"I've been stressed." He whispers this. I wonder why he is suddenly so quiet.  
  
"You're acting weird." I sit down on a bed. He walks over and sits on the bed adjacent to mine. "How?" He puts his hands on the edge of the bed holding himself up.  
  
"I don't know, you look upset." I smile sadly.  
  
"Maybe its because my girlfriend and I can't seem to have conversation without yelling." His eyes dance around the room, looking at various things situated in the room.   
  
"Yeah, I know that feeling." I sigh. He looks at me. "I haven't had a drink in five days you know? I have been to meetings. I figure if I stop right after I start its easier to keep a handle on the problem, yah know." He rubs his forehead, as though he knows exactly what I am talking about. "Yeah." He stands up hovering over me. "I am going to let you get better." He states looking down at me. "What do you mean?"   
  
"I want you to get better. I don't want to be the thing that stands in your way. I figure if you and I are fighting all the time it must be-"  
  
"No-" I cute him off. "We aren't breaking up John. Not over this, if we break up over this I am just letting it control my life." I can feel the tears threatening to fall.   
  
"Okay." He places his hands on my shoulders, and smiles at me. "Whatever you want, if you want to be together we will be together, because I know I can't live without you for longer then a day. "I was going stir crazy without you." He takes a deep breath, "I love you more then life its self, but sometimes we just hurt each other, like the other night." He reaches out and touches the arm he bruised. I nod in agreement. "I shouldn't push you. Its just as bad as you hitting me." I stand up looking him the eye, "I have to get back to work." He nods, he still looks unhappy and this concerns me, greatly.   
  
~*~  
  
I flip through my last chart, then stack it at admit. "Bye Bryce." I call, he waves as he leaves with Luka, Sam and Alex. "I'll see you tomorrow mom. We will go mini putting." He grins. He knows I hate mini putt, I'm convinced that's the reason he loves it so much. "Hey you," Carter comes up behind me tapping me on the shoulder with his clip board. He has a smile on spread from ear to ear. "Hi." I reach out and rub his arm. "You off now?" I walk towards the lounge, he follows. "Yeah." He opens his lockers door up. "I was thinking you and I could go out for a romantic dinner." He leaves his locker coming up behind me at me, kissing my neck. "John-" I turn around to look at him, just two hours ago I thought I was going to have to get him tested for depression and now he's like this? He's acting weird. "You are in a much happier mood." I am worried, but manage to put a fake smile on. "I am with you, that's why!" He coos. He leans in and kisses me tenderly on the lips, pulling away then moves to whisper in my ear. "What do you say about dinner? Just me and you? A candle lit table, nice food. No wine." I laugh and wrap my arms around his shoulders. "Yeah, I could go for that right now." He pulls back, and kisses me once more. "Good, then we can go back to your place and have some fun of our own." He walks over to his locker and continues to get his stuff ready. I am a little worried at this change of attitude. "John, why don't we just go back to my place, order pizza and then have the fun." I turn away from my locker and look at him. He looks slightly disappointed, but nods his head yes. "Yeah, sounds good. Anything with you is good though." He shuts his locker door walks over to me, and waits as I finish up. He grabs my hand as we walk out into the cool Chicago air. I love him, I really do. I just think there could be something wrong that he is not telling me about. Maybe something with the foundation that is really weighing him down, he feels the need to act this way with me. I want to make him better, have him tell me exactly what is going on. Maybe his parents are back together? I haven't a clue. I want to ask him, maybe I can get it out of him tonight. I am afraid he is trying to keep things from me because he doesn't want me to worry more then I have to. I want to hear about his problems though. He looks down at me smiling. We stomp up the EL stairs and wait on the platform in silence, just watching the snow fall. Just looks to be in deep thought or concentration. "What you thinking about?" I nudge him gently.  
  
"Uh-" His expression changes to the big smile he was wearing minutes ago. "Just you." He leans down and kisses my cheek. "John, seriously." I am not smiling any more. His expression also changes to serious. "Nothing Abby." He loosens his grip on my hand a little. "You'd tell me right?" I pause for a second taking in his expression. "If something was wrong, you'd tell me?"   
  
"You'd be the first person to know." He squeezes my hand, the smile making his way across his face again. "It'll be nice to be just you and I." He says as the train roars into the station. "Yeah." I say softly, wondering if this night will go wrong, very wrong. Something bad will happen. I can feel it. I don't know what, I don't know why, but I know that John is hiding something from me, and that something is going to do something to us tonight, that's what my gut tells me. My gut has never been wrong, unfortunately.  
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
Tilde8884- We are finished the fic... completely. I think its about 105 chapters or so maybe a bit longer. Don't worry we have an idea that we might do, a continuation to the fic sort of.   
  
Kaitlin- hehe you'll love this present hehe!!  
  
IDontWriteIJustRead (CHAP 59)- I laughed my ass off when I read your comment haha! Carter is a hypocrite haha!  
  
IDontWriteIJustRead (CHAP 58)- hehe we wanted to throw you for a loop  
  
CARBYforever- thanks we do our best :D  
  
Amanda- I have no clue! Haha! Thanks  
  
cate- life can sometimes be silly. I think we all get to the point sometimes where we think there is no hope and carter had just reached that point.  
  
Amanda (CHAP 58)- BAD!  
  
MrsWyle - don't worry... well worry for a little while at least.  
  
smilez4eva- agh er day thursday hehe I'm stoked don't worry lots of updates coming ur way!  
  
vkh214- haha sorry... lol angst is good :D!  
  
BlackChili- thanks for reviewing... dont worry we will :D  
  
CamilaC- thank yah. We haev big plans for a new story hehe  
  
CamilaC (CHAP 59) HAPPY ABBY:D... yeah sad abby :(  
  
CamilaC- bad carter... kick his ass abby!  
  
rizzo1- thank you... we are giving you a big treat today.  
  
IDontWriteIJustRead- yup thats the idea to make you think hehe  
  
Lisa- yeah everything seems to just keep getting in the way  
  
JanBry- don't worry it will eventually get better  
  
anonymous1-you are right... if you don't like it don't read it. I'm not going to try and pimp my story at you, obviously you've read it, you can make your own assesment. BTW smart ass comments are fun... I maka about a billion a day, yes sex ones too. haha anways at least its compelling. Thanks for reviewing. 


	62. Head aches

She's starting to get on my nerves and this headache that is making my head pound with every slight sound isn't helping either. She's been asking me if something's wrong all night. Nothing's wrong. The only thing that's wrong is that she's an alcoholic and I'm supposed to be here to hold her up and help her though it all. Because that's the person I am, I'll help anybody and do anything for them. I move to the other end of the couch and put my head down on pillow. The lights are starting to get to me, and I swear I"m going to go insane if something drops or I have to open my eyes to light brighter than the lamp we have on. I start to rub my temples but it seems to make the pain even worse. I can't function like this. It hurt everything hurts so unbelievable. As much as I wish Abby and I could be problem-free I've just realized it's not going to happen. And I don't know if I"ll be able to make it. I open my eyes and she's looking at me strangely.   
  
"I have a headache."  
  
I spit it out at her. I'm not even going to try to be nice. It's the headache, but besides that everything is just fine. I'm not the one dependent on alcohol to get through a day remember. She starts to move towards me and I push her away. I'm not in the mood. Can't she get it. I wish she would just stop being so self centred and think that I might be in a large amount of pain right now and I'm not in the mood to deal with any of her bullshit?  
  
"You want some Tylenol or something?"  
  
I shake my head no. When I said no painkillers after rehab I meant it. I just don't want to get sucked into that vortex again. And a headache is something so minor. Something major I might consider it, but a simple headache. I've deal with worse. Hell she doesn't know enough about me to know that. She doesn't know me at all. Sometimes I don't understand why I"m with her. She's great when she's sober and happy. But that's once in a blue moon. She walks over to me and pulls my hand out to presumably check my pulse, I pull it back. My pulse is racing. I can feel it every time my damn head pounds. She reaches for it again.   
  
"Can you do me a favor and just leave me alone?"   
  
She gives me a short, dejected look and questions me with her gaze again. I close my eyes and put my head back against the pillow. She reaches to brush the hair out of my face and I move away from her. God would she just stop. Her touch is like fire to me. I know I'm probably acting a little weird but I just can't get rid of this headache. I can't function like this. I start to get up, heading for my coat on the chair.   
  
"I'm going home, I need to lie down."  
  
I hear her footsteps behind me and she stops me. She starts to pull me toward her bedroom.   
  
"Stay here. I'll take the couch."   
  
I squint my eyes, not ready to argue with her at all. I just give in. My hand goes to turn the doorknob and I realize my hands are shaking. Not noticeably but they are. My whole body feels like it's shaking. The world seems to be spinning a bit. I finally make it to the bed and lie down, she throws the covers over me. She heads over to the head of the bed and she looks at me, probably running her doctors skills into overdrive.   
  
"I'm fine. Just let me sleep."  
  
She looks unconvinced but heads outside. I can't keep doing this. I can't stay with her. She's persistent, nagging, screwed up. I just can't put myself through this everyday of my entire life. Bryce is Bryce, I'd die for him. But she's a different story. Who else could ever be so fucking depressed and miserable twenty-four / seven? Now I understand why Bryce sometimes does not want to go home. And why did I get involved so much? It's pointless. Hell she's probably drinking the room next door. The light coming through the blinds is so blinding. It hurts so much. I can't deal with this. I turn over to the opposite side and cover my eyes with a pillow. I need to sleep. I need to let these feelings go away. I can't function. Breathing hurts so much. Living hurts even more. I try to relax but I can't. Every muscle in my body retaliates against any form of movement.   
  
I've got to start pulling my life together. I can't keep dealing with these rollarcoaster rides and fights and everything. It's not worth it. I used to think it would be. But she'll never change. And I don't want her the way she is right now. It's not what I thought. She seemed different before. And now I see her for who she really is, the self-centered miserable alcoholic. And obviously she's happy that way. I'm not going to deal with it. As far as I'm concerned it's been over. I just, I just held on for Bryce, but he's young, he'll get over it.   
  
I'm breathing a bit faster than I should be and it's hurting to do so. Every breathe I take makes my head pound even more. And I don't know what to do or how to fix it. I run my hand though my hair, the shadows on the wall from the streetlamps are glowing brighter and brighter. I close my eyes again. I can't stay in a position. Everything either inflicts pain or more pain. I need to get rid of it. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this. I curl my legs up close to me, digging my head away from the light. My back instantly screams out in protest. But at least it derives attention from my aching head.. I loosen it a bit and it's a position that is nearly comfortable. I stop squinting my eyes, and let my face muscles relax. I need to fall asleep. I can't sleep. I need to. I look at the clock. It's 12:39. I've been here for almost 3 hours lying in this bed and I don't know where the time went. All I know is the pain is worse than ever. Please. Make it stop. Anything to make it stop. Anything.   
  
I watch the clock tick minute after minute, hour after hour. The red glow of the lights reflecting more shadows upon the walls, like knives cutting into the most delicate skin and letting the blood trickle down. The pain and the release. None of which I have had. I fell asleep for a brief period. But it didn't do anything. My head is worse then ever, the shaking has gotten twice as bad as before. It's probably the flu. Or whatever Bryce had. The changes in temperature, the sudden chills and then the sudden heat flashes. It all adds up. I just can't deal anymore. I see the sun coming up and decide to get out of bed. I can't stay in here all day. I have a Foundation meeting and I need to get home to change. And then I have a shift. A cup of coffee should help. I put my feet onto the cold wooden floor, but as soon as I stand up, the light headedness begins, pulling me back down onto the bed. My head throbbing, throbbing as if the world is about to fall on my head, and it wouldn't even take the pain away. I attempt to stand up again, and somehow it manages to work. I haven't slept in over 36 hours. I'm a walking nightmare. But I"ll be okay after a shower. And then I"ll come home and go back to bed. I'll try to sleep. Hopefully this pain will disperse. It hasn't yet. I walk towards the kitchen, still testing my walking ability. The room seems to spin a little, but that's probably because I didn't eat last night. I see Abby sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and the paper. She looks up at me and smiles. I smile back. I don't want the questions nor the commentary. I walk over to her and give her a kiss on the cheek.   
  
"I'm sorry about last night. I was really out of it."   
  
She nods her head understandingly.   
  
"Do you feel better?"  
  
I nod my head giving her another kiss and I hear her giggle a bit. God I did not need that. My head. I just want to grab it and sink down to the floor.   
  
"Good, cause you had me worried for a while."  
  
I grab her hand, god what else can I do to have her leave me alone?  
  
"Well thank you, but really I'm fine."   
  
She runs her hands through my hair and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I think she believes I'm fine. She just doesn't know about the hammering in my head.   
  
"I gotta run, I have a foundation meeting this morning, then a shift."   
  
She stands up heading over to get me a cup of coffee.   
  
"So you coming back here tonight?"  
  
I shake my head. Heaven forbid I ever come back here willingly. At least not to her. I need to figure out how to tell her. And I hate lying to her face. But obviously I'm good at it because she's eating it out of the palm of my hand.   
  
"I'm going to the mansion, to take care of something. I"ll see you tomorrow though."   
  
She smiles and hands me a cup of coffee.  
  
"I'm glad you feel better."  
  
I nod my head. If you only knew.   
  
"Yeah me too."  
  
She hands me my coat and I put it on. I head over to her for another kiss. She's a good fuck. But that's the only worthwhile reason I can see for staying with her.   
  
"I love you."  
  
I look her in her eyes, a little trick I'm come to know. Look a person in the eyes, and they'll believe anything you say.   
  
"I love you too."  
  
She kisses me again and I start to head out the door. I hate lying to her, but what else am I supposed to do. Otherwise she would just be a bigger pain in the ass. And I don't need this. I have to deal with thirteen rowdy lawyers in about an hour. I don't need her nor this headache but I don't have a choice. 


	63. problems

I don't care what he says he's different. He says he's fine, but the way he was acting two nights ago he would never act like that, well at least not before the change. I have no clue what this change is exactly, or what prompted it. I know it started the night of, or right after, our somewhat violent fight. So I know I did this to him. He hasn't talked to me since he left a couple nights ago. He talks to Bryce, but avoids me at all costs. I saw him at work yesterday and he looked like shit. He was barking out orders and acting like a complete jerk to everyone. He told Bryce they could hang out, but I am not letting him near my son, at least not alone until I figure out what the hell is wrong with him. I walk into the lounge, I could really go for a hot cup of coffee right about now. I see Susan and Carter sitting at the table and Chen on the couch. Carter seems to be in a mood by the look on his face, Susan is filling out charts, and Chen is reading the paper. "Hey." I smile, Susan and Chen smile back, Carter glares at me, then storms out of the room. Chen immediately takes a seat at the table, I pour my coffee and then join them.  
  
"What's with him?" Susan asks, gesturing towards the door in which Carter just exited through. "Yeah, I have been watching him. He's being a prick." Chen added.   
  
"I don't know. He won't tell me, anything at all." I say sadly. Chen and Susan look at each other and nod, "yeah sometimes he can be weird, he'll come around though." Susan assures me, she and Chen get up at the same time and toss out their coffee cups leaving me and my thoughts. I am really worried about him, I hope he is okay, he has been acting weird towards everyone so maybe it is not just me. Although he does seem annoyed with me in particular lately. "Hey mom." Bryce walks into the lounge letting the door swing behind him. He went back to school today, he needed to go back, see his friends, get back in his regular routine. "Hey kiddo." He sits across from me and smiles.  
  
"Uh- Carter said he was off now. I'm going to hang out with him okay?" He starts to rise.  
  
"No." I say firmly. He will hate me for this, but I just can't have him hanging around Carter, not right now. If Carter wanted to come over for dinner he could, but I don't want Bryce and Carter hanging out alone. "No?" He questions.  
  
"Yeah, I want you to stay here with me today, I get off in an hour, you won't have long to wait. You can get started on your homework, I know you're anxious to get it done." I smile throwing my cup out.  
  
"I want to go with Carter." He argues.   
  
"No Bryce, now sit down and get your homework done. I don't want to hear one more word about it." I lecture, he sits down grumpily.  
  
"Hey you coming with me-" Carter walks through the doors. He sees me and stops mid sentence. "I can't" Bryce brats.   
  
"What?" He seems astonished.  
  
"I want him to stay here with me. Spend sometime together." I tell Carter calmly, as not to flip him off the handle. "Why? You have work. Why doesn't he just come with me? It makes more sense." He gets closer, his voice shaky and angry.   
  
"Because, he is my son, and I want my son with me." I back away from him a little frightened. "Are you doing this to punish me?" He shouts, I look at Bryce who seems a little scared. "Bryce go out and sit in the waiting area." I don't take my eyes of Carter, but I notice that Bryce leaves. "I am not trying to punish you John." He scoffs at this, and runs his fingers through his hair. He does that a lot lately. "The hell you aren't." He takes a deep breath and looks me in the eye. "You're mad because you know deep down inside, you know I don't really love you." I am completely shocked. The tears come to the brim of my eyes. "What?" I whisper, barely audible.  
  
"You heard me. I don't love you. You were right before you are nothing but a good fuck. I got closer to Bryce though, he's a cool kid, you-" He shakes his head laughing. "You are just a bitch. A self righteous, inconsiderate bitch." He slams his fist up against the locker. "Fuck you." I whisper it at first. "FUCK YOU! And stay the hell away from Bryce, I swear to god Carter you go any where near him and I'll have the cops all over your fucking ass." I storm out of the lounge, Bryce is hanging out with Alex, he's safe.   
  
~*~  
  
"I'm off." I toss the last chart in the pile and head into the lounge to retrieve my son and get my belongings. I open the door. Its empty. Where did Bryce go? The roof maybe? Frank will know, he probably saw him walk by. I leave the lounge and head towards the admit desk. "Hey Frank," he looks up at me. "Did you see where Bryce went?" I ask leaning up against the desk. "Carter took him." I know my face fell, because Frank gave me a weird look. "When?" I stand up straight. I had been in a trauma for at least an hour and a half, I had to work later then expected. "When he left, after his shift was over." I can't believe this, he has my son. I pick up my cell phone and hit his speed dial number. "Hello?"   
  
"John." I storm into the lounge preparing to pick my son up right away. "Where the hell are you?" I continue.  
  
"I am at the mansion." He states simply.  
  
"Where the fuck is Bryce?" I am pretty much screaming now.  
  
"Jesus Abby, calm down. He can hear you screaming through the phone." I can't believe this. "I want him NOW!!!" I screech, tears are filling my eyes.   
  
"Let me feed him-"  
  
"No John, I want him now." He goes silent, he is starting to take me seriously I guess.  
  
"I'll bring him by your place."   
  
"No. I'll come get him." I respond slamming the phone shut. I rush out of the ER and onto the EL. I can't believe he did this. Well actually I can. The old Carter wouldn't have, but the new one seems to take pleasure out of hurting and hating me. I don't know what has gotten into him. I don't think I did anything to upset him recently. I mean there is the whole drinking aspect, but I haven't had a drink in a week. I am doing well. I am happy, Bryce is staying with me now. He spent a little while with Carter, but now I think I am most definitely the most stable out of the two of us. He is going to end up so screwed up, years of therapy could not reverse what I have done to my son. I am a horrible mother.   
  
The train comes to a halt, I get up and rush out of the packed train. I head towards the rich neighbour hood. I don't know if Carter and I are broken up or not. I believe we are, and god it hurts so badly, more then it should, especially considering the ways he has been treating me lately. I head up the long path towards the Carter mansion. I make my way up to the door and bang on it angrily. The door swings open and there stands Carter. "Hey." He says softly.  
  
"Don't hey me. Where the hell is my son." I shout, pushing my way into the house.   
  
"You just have to listen to me!" He states getting in my face, I try to push him away, but he grabs my hands, holding onto them he holds them at my sides. "I don't have to listen to you! BRYCE!" I screech, tears falling down my face. I see him come thumping into the room, Carter still has not removed his hands from my wrists, he turns and sees Bryce giving him a scared look, then quickly releases me. "Let's go." I say reaching for Bryce, he comes with me quickly, running to put his shoes and jacket on. He knows something is wrong. I grab his hand and we walk down the path, I can feel Carter watching us, wrap my arms around Bryce's shoulder and we continue to walk until we are off of the Carter property. "What's wrong with Carter mom?" Bryce's face has fell. The man he once looked up to and admired, has changed drastically. "I don't know baby." I put my hand on the back of his neck pulling him towards me for a comforting hug. "Is he sick like Maggie and Eric?" He says through tears.   
  
"No. I don't think so." I have never thought of that though. What if he is bi polar? I mean he could be. His moods change much too frequently for that though, unless he has an extreme case of it, and just started going off his meds. "I thought he was going to hurt you mom." He looks up at me with tear stained cheeks.   
  
"No. He would never do that." I lie. At least not intentionally.   
  
"Okay. I just want to go home, and stay away from him till he is better." He says a faint smile on his lips. "Okay. Okay." I say wrapping my arms around his shoulders. I can do that, I will make it my mission to keep that man away from my son, at least until I know what is wrong with him. 


	64. Chapter 64

The days and nights have begun to blur together. Either I'm at work, or I'm at home. But this constant need follows me everywhere. It's so hard to explain. I can't. I just feel so empty, so alone, so afraid. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can try to ease it, but that takes it toll on me too. The stress is unbearable. I can't remember names, places, or faces. It's so strange. I've never felt like this before. I mean I'm functioning. I'm fine. But that's the exterior. And I"m worried I've begun to show too. The outbursts of rage, the sudden changes, reactions. Everything. I guess everything's getting to me. And then I find out my parents are back together. It's just all at once. And Abby takes Bryce away from me in the middle of everything. I've never felt more abandoned in my life. I want to forget this all. I want to go back to my life before. Before the drinking, before the fighting, before Abby. I was truly happy with her, but if happiness comes with so much pain, I'd rather not have it. I turn around to my open window, the snow falling in heavy sheets down onto the ground. Sleep doesn't come easy. I'm not a big fan of sleeping aids though. The aftermath in the morning is horrible. But I have some, somewhere in the medicine cabinet. Or in my bag. It's not that I get a lot of sleep anyway. It's become something that I catch here and there, the rest of the time surviving on coffee, caffeine, and the occasional cat nap.   
  
And I see her and Bryce, just to remind me of what we had, were we had been, and what we'll never be. Every lie I've ever told her I can recall. Every single sentence that wasn't truthful, I can recite syllable for syllable. I want myself back. I want the person I was before back. This isn't' who I am. I'm living a goddamn lie. And I need a change. I need something to take away this pain and misery from my life and replace with belonging and love. Truthful, dedicated, simple. I force myself not to look at the clock. I see the minutes go by, and I've lied here mostly every night and thought about it. I'll never sleep. I'm always shaking, the headaches more frequent and they are paralysing when they come. I'm beginning to think I should get a CT scan to double check for some huge tumour growing somewhere pressing on the cerebrum. I easy myself out of the cold bed to the even colder floor. I set with my back against my bed, my legs pulled up towards my chest. I watch the snow that mesmerized me as a child. It's hard to believe that every single one is different. It's a load of bullshit. I get off the floor and head towards the bathroom. My throat is burning and I need water. Or something. I turn on the faucet, grabbing a cup from the side, filling it with cold water. The cry of my pager cuts through the eerie silence like a knife. I drop the cup of water on the floor its contents spilling everywhere. Damn it. I pull the damn thing out of my pocket and read the number. It's County. I'm on call tonight and I guess I'm going in. I walk towards the phone in the bedroom and dial the number. Its confirmed. I'm going in. My head start pounding again. I go back into the bathroom throwing a few towels over the water and grabbing a new glass. I fill it halfway and then grab one of the bottles on the counter, taking four out and quickly popping them into my mouth. I head into the room and grab a pair of sweatpants and a shirt. I'll change into scrubs at the hospital. I grab my keys off my dresser and rush out the door.   
  
The drive is annoying. The lights seem to change colors and shapes. But I reach the hospital and pull into one of the empty parking spots. I run out and into the main door, but the place is silent. I walk up to Randi, who is at the desk, flipping through a magazine.   
  
"What happened to the accident?"  
  
She shakes her head in my response then shrugs her shoulders.   
  
"They went to Mercy instead. It was closer."  
  
Damn it. So I just got called here for no reason. Fine. So I head towards the lounge. I'll drop off my stuff, and grab an empty bed somewhere. I have a shift this morning at 7 anyway. I throw my stuff into my locker and head towards the suture room. It's usually empty during the night. I bark these comments at Randi on my over there. Why the hell did they call me in if they didn't need me. I would have rather stayed home. I push the door open and the sharp light hits me. The rest of the hallway was dim. Abby's sitting at one of the beds working on charts. I turn back around. There has to be another room somewhere.   
  
"John."  
  
I pretend to ignore her. I'm already halfway out the door when she says it anyway. I pop into the other exam rooms, and they are all full. My other choice is the couch in the lounge, but I doubt I will be able to fall asleep on that damn thing. I don't pay attention the world in front of me and walk straight into her. I don't apologize. Why should I? She should have moved.   
  
"Do you want to lie down?"   
  
I shake my head no. I don't want to talk to her, or associate with her for the present time. What else can she take away from me? My freedom? My pride? Hell she would drain me of every possible emotion if she could.   
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
I start to walk away again. I want to ignore her. Why does she have to me so damn irritating? She follows me and she's not letting up. I feel my hands shaking again. I hate it. It drives me crazy. Thank god I don't have to put in IV's anymore. I would have killed patients. I duck into the lounge, but of course, she follows me in.   
  
"John."  
  
I turn around looking at her with this grim look. I wanted to scream at her, don't you get it? Fuck off. But I couldn't. It would lead to more questions and whatnot.   
  
"What does it matter to you."  
  
I say it forcefully. I don't know why. Most of my words towards her, and everyone else have been coming out like that.   
  
"It matters a lot to me."  
  
She's great at lying. She really is. She's a wonderful actress, we should nominate her for an Emmy.   
  
"Especially when your drunk right?"  
  
I don't know. Her drinking is what started this all. Her damn drinking. I don't' want to deal with this. I don't need it. I don't want it. I want to get out. To leave. To escape. To break free. I head towards the door but she stands in front of me.   
  
"I'm worried about you."  
  
She blocking my path now. She's asking for it. I'm not in the mood for her fucking games. I'm not in the mood for her at all. I want to go lie down, I want this hell to end. I push her out the way, maybe with a little too much strength, she goes flying towards the table, tripping over a leg of a chair. I don't care. She's the one that wouldn't get out of my damn way. She deserves every horrible, crude thing that happens to her. It suits her damn personality. I rush through the doors of the hospital. I'm going home. I'll switch shifts tomorrow morning. Whatever it takes. Or I might transfer out completely. Start anew. Somewhere at North western or Mercy. I could probably get into a program at Boston Medical Centre. They are supposed to have the best Emergency Medicine Program in the United States. Somewhere far. Far away from here, and her. 


	65. Chapter 65

I pick myself up off the floor, I think I'm okay, but I'm not really sure. I reach out to hold onto the table, I feel weak, I grab onto the table when a sudden pain shoots through my wrist. Jesus Christ, its bruising and its twisted in a funny position, I must have twisted it when I was using it to break my fall. Stupid John! Why the hell would he push me anyways? I just wanted to make sure he was okay, despite the hatred I have towards him lately, I have been a bit worried about him and his new change. "Abby-" Randi walks through the doors and looks at me. "Are you okay?" She looks over me from top to bottom, he eyes stop at my wrist. My other hand immediately goes over it. "Yeah, Yeah I'm fine." I lie.   
  
"You don't look fine." Her eyes still on my aching wrist.  
  
"Well I am." I say with a little more of an edge.  
  
"Did John do that to you?" She nods towards my wrist, I push my way past her and out of the lounge, I really don't want to be talking about this, not now, not with her. "Abby!" She shouts after me, drawing attention to us. "What?" I turn and look at her.  
  
"Did John do that to your wrist?" Susan walks over to us.  
  
"Did John do what?" She looks concerned.   
  
"Nothing, John didn't do this. I just fell in the lounge." I fib to my friend. I feel horrible doing this. Its not like I am with John, or ever will be again, so need to worry them right? "Let me see." Susan demands moving my hand away from my wrist and holding it gently. Owe, I want to scream it hurts so badly, but that would be making a big deal out of a small situation. "I'll splint it." She says walking towards an exam room, I carefully follow, try to ignore all the eyes from patients and coworkers that are watching me. I walk into the exam room, as Susan sets out the supplies. "Sit down." She gestures toward the bed.   
  
"I have a shift I have to finish." I carefully sit on the bed and rest my throbbing wrist on the table she has set out. "Its not broken." She says inspecting it closely.  
  
"No, I know." I look at her, our eyes meet. She knows something's up, I know she will asks the only problem is I'm not really sure what is wrong with John and I. "He did this didn't he?" I sigh and look at her.  
  
"No, well, he pushed me. I was in his way. He knocked me out of the way." I explain.  
  
"What?" She sits down on the bed across from me. She looks appalled. "John? John Carter, this is so- so out of character for him. Why? What would possess him to do something so awful?" I look her in the eye, not sure who she is concerned about now, John or me. "I don't know." I reply simply, looking down at my wrist and cringing.  
  
"I'm so sorry Abby." She starts to splint my wrist. "I will talk to him." I shake my head, and swallow. "No, Susan. Don't do that. Just let me deal with this. I promise I will tell you if it gets to be more then I can handle."   
  
"Okay, if that's what you want." She looks disappointed.   
  
"It is." I nod my head and get up.  
  
~*~  
  
"Just do your homework in the lounge okay?" I say rubbing my sons hair. It's been two days since the attack, and I have not seen John. "I just hope that patient who did this to you is not here today." Bryce frowns. I lied to him. I told him a patient did this to me. I know it was wrong to do that, I should have told him the truth, but I couldn't not right now. I know something is wrong with John and I have to find out what it is. My stomach has been hurting a lot lately since that day too. He pushed my stomach, I don't know why he did that. I just hope he is not working today. I rub my stomach it, "What's wrong mom?" Bryce asks looking quite concerned. I shake my head at him.  
  
"Then why are you holding your stomach?"  
  
"It just hurts a bit that's all." I reassure Bryce and myself. He gives me another look and walks into the lounge. "You okay?" Susan whispers leaning over the admit desk.  
  
"Yeah. I just have had a bit of an upset stomach since..." My words trail off as I see Carter walks through the entrance. "You want me to do an Ultra sound see if everything is okay?" She draws my attention back to her.   
  
"Uh- no." I follow him into the lounge, not wanting him to be alone with me son. They have already started talking. I make my way over to the coffee machine and grab a cup of coffee. "Some patient hurt my mom." Bryce tells Carter. I stop and glance over at him, our eyes meeting. He looks scary today, "oh yeah?"   
  
"Yeah, her wrist as been in a splint ever since that day." Bryce explains, I turn around really wanting this conversation to stop. "Bryce, go work out at admit desk." He gives me a funny look, but leaves. He knows something is up with Carter these days, and I think he is okay with having to stay away from him until Carter gets better. I have already told him he was not to talk to him. "What are you doing?" I take a sip of my coffee.  
  
"Talking to Bryce." He spits back sarcastically.  
  
"Well don't. Stay away form me and my son." With that I turn on my heels and leave him standing alone. I toss the cup of coffee out, lately the taste of it has made me sick to my stomach.   
  
I walk out of the lounge, Bryce is sitting there talking with Luka, why didn't I meet him instead of Carter? I know he is going out with one of my closest friends, god Sam is so lucky. Luka isn't an abusive dickhead. "Hey." Luka smiles at me. "Bryce told me about your wrist are okay?" I smile at Luka, and glare at Bryce, god I wish he'd stop telling people that story. "Yeah, I'd be better if my son kept his mouth closed." I say in mock seriousness. Bryce laughs then gets back down to work. I imagine these last couple of days have been quite hard on him, I pick up a chart and look over it, well this is the beginning of my very long and stressful shift.   
  
"Abby, do you mind getting that?" Thirteen hours straight and now he wants me to start answering faxes? "Fine." I grumble. I pull the fax out of the machine. "To Dr. John Truman Carter. From North-western." I can't believe this he is applying for another position at another hospital. Just get away from me I'm assuming. I flip through the papers, knowing this is none of my business but unable to help myself. "Drug Rehab-" He was a drug addict? I flip to the very last page and close it. He's using again. I know I haven't asked him straight up, and I'm pretty sure that if I did he'd deny it, but I am positive he is using again. This explains so much. He accuses me of being the fucked up one? I let him near my son. I don't even want to know what could have happened to Bryce if I had left him there any longer. I storm off looking for John Carter. 


	66. drowning

The ringing of the doorbell jumps me out of bed. It's so loud, it's like a hammer or a jack saw going through my head. I finally managed to fall asleep for a little while, and I get woken up. I swear this is starting to piss me off. Whoever is at the door better have a damn good reason for being here. I pull my robe on and loosely tie at the waist. I don't care. I'm hoping to get back to bed, rather back to sleep, soon. I can go to bed. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to sleep. I haven't slept in a while. I've gotten past that point where I need it to survive. My organism has grown used to the 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. Maybe even less sometimes. I reach the door and Agnes is also getting there. I feign a slight smile and she gives me an apologetic glance. Agnes has been here for years. She's the only one I really trust from the staff. I walk towards the door and she hesitates a minute before walking off. Thank god it's only her here today. I would have gone insane. My neck is killing me. God this pain never wants to leave. I open the door slowly and it's Abby. The last person I wanted to see today. She pushes me in and slams the door behind her. I would have retaliated a bit, but I'm still half asleep from prescription Ambient. God I hate the side effect. But I need to sleep. She's looking at me in disbelief, complete and utter disbelief. She's holding a wad of papers in her hand, and rage is written all across her face. God what the hell is her problem.   
  
"What do you want?"  
  
I run my hand through my hair and try to wipe the sleep from my eyes. It doesn't work very well.   
  
"You're a fucking drug addict."  
  
I squint my eyes just a bit, it's taking me a while to register what she said.  
  
"What?"  
  
She whips the papers at me. It's my application to North western. I skim the first sheet and I realize I'm missing my references from County. Damn it, I knew I forgot something. I take the pile and start to sift through it.   
  
"Was."  
  
She's shaking her head no. She doesn't believe me.  
  
"You don't have to fucking believe me."  
  
I start to turn towards the stairs. I don't need any of this. The lights and sounds are only making me more awake and my head pound and my pulse race. I feel her nails digging into my skin, she twists me around with all her strength. I have no energy to retaliate. I just want this to all go away.   
  
She pulls up the sleeve of my robe. Let her. I stopped taking drugs. I'm not a drug addict. She looks at my wrists more closely and finds nothing. Because there is nothing to find. I"m fine. What the fuck, she needs someone else to blame for screwing Bryce up, blame herself. Just keep me out of this. She puts my hand back down and takes a deep breath. I wish she would just leave, get out of my life, once and for all. She wasn't worth it, ever. I can't believe I actually thought I was in love with this woman.   
  
"Leave. I never want to see you again."  
  
She looks down onto the wooden floor. Serves her right to be ashamed and hurt. She doesn't deserve to be treated any other way. I don't need her. I never did.   
  
"Take a drug test."  
  
I give her an ironical little laugh. Not going to happen. I don't have to play around with this. I'm not going to. I start to turn back around and head towards my bedroom. She'll leave, and if not, someone will probably call the cops. I'm in the middle of the stairs, and I hear her voice echo through the whole house.   
  
"Carter."   
  
I keep going, and I hear her footsteps running up towards me. God, I swear she doesn't give up. Just keep away from me. Keep far away from me. Three flights is a long way down and I don't want to hurt her. She runs past me stopping at the head of the stairs, waiting for me. She's not moving. She's blocking my path again, but she's holding her sprained wrist near her body, away from me. I hadn't meant to do it. Hell I didn't do it. She's the one that wouldn't get out of my damn way.   
  
"Why?"  
  
I walk around her and she just watches me go. She knows she's going to loose again.   
  
"Why what?"  
  
I want to get rid of her. I"m not a drug addict. I haven't taken anything since I got back from rehab. Nothing. No morphine, codeine. I"m not a drug addict. She's the damn alcoholic and suddenly I have to have a problem too.   
  
"Why did you start?"  
  
I stop, rolling my eyes, cursing her under my breath.   
  
"I started because I was stabbed in the back with a fucking six inch butcher knife that passed through my damn spinal cord. I could not walk, I spent six months in rehab at County. My medical student was killed. I was supposed to be paralysed from the waist down. And just to make everything better, my family did not show up to see me. I should have died, Abby. There, happy? Get out."  
  
I stand there in the hallway, waiting to hear something from her. Not a sound, nor a movement. I taste the salt on my lips, and quickly wipe away the tears that had fallen. I should have died. I should have fucking died. It would have made the world a better place. Is there a reason for me to be alive? They'll just get a new doctor at county to replace me and I'll slowly wither away under six feet of earth.   
  
"John..."  
  
I'm trying to breathe, but my breaths come out in forced fashions. My heart is racing, I can't see straight. The lights and the pictures, everything blurs together. Expect for the distinct sound of slow breaths behind me.   
  
"You didn't know. And I don't care. Do me a favour and leave me the hell alone."  
  
Silence. Silence so loud you couldn't hear a pin drop. The air so heavy, a knife could slice through it and not even penetrate the first layer.   
  
"And you started again. Because of me."  
  
I shake my head. God that hurt like hell. My neck is screaming out in protest every little move I make.   
  
"No. I didn't start again. I"m not like you. I can hold my own life together."  
  
I would turn around to see her face, but I"m afraid I might actually get some pleasure from it.   
  
"I'm not worthless, depressed, or miserable. I'm not a disappointment or a failure. Like you. Because that's all you are. You fuck up everything around you."  
  
I hear a sob escape from behind me. Weak and fragile. That whole strong woman holding her life together thing was a great cover up for the person she really was. Weak and fragile.   
  
"Why is everything about me and my problems?"  
  
She forms it together between bouts of tears.  
  
"Because it's always you and your problems."  
  
I'm ready to pull my hair out. She's only adding to the constant thumping and throbbing of my head. I don't hear anything for a while, unless the world has turned against me and had given me the magical power of hearing when the air molecules collide with the dust particles. I can hear every single floor board creak. I can hear a dog barking off miles away. I can't go on like this anymore. I'm sending myself to an early grave. Maybe it's for the best.   
  
I feel her hands reaching towards mine, I push her away, harder than I had wanted to. I hear her stumble, but she regains her balance against one of the tables. Would she just fucking leave. She doesn't understand the words get out of my life. She doesn't get it. She keep coming back. I wish she wouldn't. I want her out of my life. I want her gone. I never want to see her again. She tries again. I'm not giving it to her. I don't need her. I don't want her. I don't' need her and her problems, insecurities, fears, doubts. The emotional Roller coaster she sends me on every day. I feel her hand on my shoulder. Pushing her away doesn't work. I just want to be left in peace. Is that too much to ask for. She stops running her hand up and down my arm. It only makes me tense up more. It hurts. Her touch is like fire and knives, all digging into me, all inflicting physical and mental torture on me.   
  
"I never stopped loving you."  
  
She turns on her heels, I hear her footsteps reaching the stairs and hesitating a bit before beginning the descent down.   
  
"Wait."   
  
The seconds seem like hours, the way everything throws itself at me. She's suddenly standing right in front of me, eyes still stained with the aftermath of tears. She puts her hands around me and I can feel the fall coming down. I can feel everything letting go. Like a dam bursting or a waterfall falling. Nothing to hold it back, nothing to make it stop. I keep on falling. The world spinning around me, destroying everything. I"m shaking, I"m sobbing. I don't know where I am or who I am. It's a blur, a mystery I will never uncover. I will never recover. I will never know. I can't keep going. The blackness that engulfed me keeps on feeding on me, pulling me down and enjoying the retched pain I"m in. Its taking me over. It's feeding off my misery. My faults. I hate who I am. I want to leave. I want to die. I want this all to be over, a vague memory of what I was doing on this earth. I'm on the floor, she's still with me. Surprising she's still here. She's rocking back and forth, my head in her lap. I can't go on. I can't keep doing this to myself. To her. I just. I don't' know what I'm supposed to do. I can feel the spirling continue. Everything's out of my grasp. Every dream or goal has suddenly disappeared. And I'm stranded alone. With nothing to guide me, with nothing to help me. Alone. Nothing. In pitch black nothingness.   
  
Black.  
  
Alone.  
  
Nothing.  
  
Alone.  
  
No one.  
  
Out of control. 


	67. my shoulder to cry on

He slowly sits up, leaning against the wall. I find my spot beside him. Slowly he turns his head to look at me, eyes blood shot, hair messy, face scruffy. I definitely should have seen this, or known it could be serious, not just any old problem. "I uh-" He can't seem to get anything out, he looks down at the floor, I continue staring at him though. "Hey," I reach for his hand, surprisingly he lets me. We hold hands for a few moments, the tears seemed to have stopped for now, I will be here for him though, Susan told me she will take Bryce home. "I was an addict Abby." He sniffles, and rubs his thumb against the back of my hand. "Now?" I search his face for any clues, clues of recognition of his addiction, I'm looking for anything, he gives me nothing. "I don't know. I'm tired, and my head hurts constantly." Not exactly admitting, but I'll take it. I give him a sympathetic smile, still afraid of him. I hope this fear wears off soon. "Carter- you need help." I say softly.  
  
"I am fine." He says with a bit of force, his grip tightens around my hand, and I get the sudden urge to pull it from his grasp, I don't though. "Admitting is the first step." I look away from him, his eyes remain on me though. "Yeah."   
  
"You were in Atlanta?" He nods slowly, "did it help?"   
  
"Yes."  
  
"Till you met me right?" He shakes his head slowly, a tear falling down his cheek.  
  
"No, I don't know." He rests his head in his free hand and the sobs start up again. I pull him closer to me his head finding my shoulder, just like mine did too his when he was there for me all those times. He pulls away slowly, bring his hand up to my shoulder, and squeezing it tightly. "I uh- I love you and Bryce." He moves his hand from my shoulder and gets up, walking towards the master bedroom. His feet rub against the carpet making an ungodly sound, I cringe a bit as I watch him walk. Turning around he looks at me, staring at me, watching me. "I'm the fuck up Abby," he walks into his bedroom.   
  
I can't stand seeing him like this. I want to do something, fix him make it all better. Bring that smile back to those lips. I walk into his bedroom. He is lying face down his face smooched into the pillow. I sit down beside him. "We both fucked up the relationship, but this is about you getting better now John." I rub his back and he looks at me.  
  
"I'm an addict, you're an addict. What the hell kind of people are we?" He is starting to get angry, defensive even. "Yeah well we're only addicts if we let ourselves be addicts." I counter. He scoffs at this. "Yeah, well..."  
  
"John, do you want to get better?" I say in all seriousness.  
  
"I want things to go back to the way they were before. Before your drinking, before me hitting you, before-" he stops and looks at me, gauging my reaction, at the words I know he is about to utter. "You." He finishes, letting his head crash into the pillow moments after. I bite my bottom lip, the tears make their way to the brim of my eye and slowly, but surely they fall. "Yeah." I say quietly.  
  
"I don't know." He sits up and looks at me. "You are- you're my world. My-" He stops and reaches for my hand. "You're everything to me, you are the greatest thing to ever happen to me, same with Bryce, but at the same time you are my biggest burden." He releases my hand and falls back against the head board. "You were- you took pills or whatever when he was here right?" I stare him in the eye, not letting him look away.  
  
"Yes." I roll my eyes and look at him.  
  
"That night you had the big headache?"  
  
"Yep." He saying it very nonchalantly now.   
  
"John-" I want him to go to therapy, rehab, anything and everything to make him better, one-hundred percent better. "Abby, just leave me alone okay? You've done your part." He spits. "Go home." He gets under the covers and turns his back to me, tossing his house coat lazily onto the ground. "John-" I try to talk to him again, before he was so open, now he's like my diary in seventh grade when I use to lock it then put it in my closet then lock the door to keep Eric out. "Abby- I don't need this shit anymore, I'm fine okay." He turns his back to me again. I get up and walk towards his washroom opening ever door and gathering all the bottles of drugs I can. "What the hell are you doing?" He gets up and follows me into the washroom. "Do you have a plastic bag or anything." I look over and notice a brown paper bag sitting on the counter, its small, but it'll do. I dump the drugs into the bag, heading out the door, "Give me those back!" He shouts.  
  
"Why? So you can use again?" I holler, I will not back down, not now.  
  
"ABBY!" He screams in a threatening voice.   
  
"Goodbye." With that I storm out of the room, I can feel him on my heels this does not stop me though, I open the door, not before he can stop it with his hand though. "You're not going anywhere?" I turn around briskly, staring him in the eye, giving him a run for his money in the glare category. "Before you couldn't wait for me to get out."   
  
"Before you didn't have-" He stops himself, he must have come to the realization that he is an addict because he stumbles back looking at the bag. His hands go to his head, over and over again he keeps repeating 'oh my god, I'm an addict.'   
  
Walking towards him I set the bag down. He stops and looks at me. "I can't believe this."   
  
"I know." I reach my hand out, but he just shoves it away. He crumples to the ground, just like he did earlier. I try to comfort him, but he pushes me away, causing me to fall to the floor. I whip out my cell phone and walk to the kitchen so he can't hear me. "Hello?" A groggy voice answers.   
  
"Luka?" I whisper.   
  
"Abby?"  
  
"Listen, I need you to come to the Carter mansion right away,"   
  
"What? Why?" He seems to be more attentive now.   
  
"He is using again, pain killers or something." I can hardly keep my composure. "He needs to be in rehab."   
  
"Okay, I will be there right away." He hangs up the phone and I cautiously walk out to where Carter is lying crying. I sit by his side and rub his arm. I can't stand seeing him like this, the tears fall and all I can see is a blurred vision of my, once stable, boyfriend that I drove into this state.   
  
The doorbell rings after what seems like forever, but was probably only fifteen minutes or so. I get up, opening the door a tired Luka stands before me. Carter is still crying. He walks over to his side and gives me a sympathetic look. "Help me get him in the car." He says leaning down and helping a resistant John up. Eventually, and with much struggle we finally get him onto his feet. Luka doesn't reveal where we are going, he just sets Carter in the backseat, and with his head motions for me to get in the front seat. I climb in, Luka reaches his hand forward and rubs my shoulder. I glance back at Carter who is aimlessly looking out the car window. Luka doesn't have to say it, but I know we are going to county. I know they will make Carter go back to rehab, in Atlanta probably.   
  
The drive is slow, we park the car close by and Carter walks a few feet in front of us, he is not crying anymore, but now in a daze. Luka looks down at me and wraps his arm around my shoulder, the doors to the ER open, Carter walks in and turns towards the lounge, Luka motions for Kerry, who is standing at the desk to join us in there. She enters the lounge a few moments after, Carter is lying down on the couch, and Luka still has him arm protectively around me. "What's going on?" Kerry barks.  
  
"He's using Kerry." Luka says nodding at Carter. A look of disbelief covers her face. "What? John is this true?" He slowly sits up and then looks at her shaking his head.   
  
"What the fuck do they know Kerry?" I look at Luka who seems shocked by this, he had just finished admitting he was an addict, now we are back at square one. "What?" Luka says. "Don't feed me that bullshit Luka, you guys think I'm addict and are going to start spreading this around the hospital to hide the truth."   
  
"Which is?" Luka prompts.   
  
"That you and Abby are having an affair. I saw the way you looked at her, and how you had your arm around her. You were also the first one she called. Wait till Sam finds out, she's a whore don't waste your time with her." He yells at Luka, but looks at me.   
  
"Carter, what the hell does that have to do with you using?" Kerry asks, I look at her and then Luka, I can't stand it anymore. I have to leave, get out of this place. I know I am going to want a drink after all this, but I have to stay strong, for Carter, myself and Bryce. I head out the lounge door, and walk to an empty exam room. I push my way through the doors, I feel weaker and weaker by the second and collapse onto the bed. I cry into the pillow, I can't stand this. We are the two most fucked up people on the face of this earth. I feel a breeze on my back, and the door opens, someone walks towards the bed and sits down on it. I can't even look up, I don't want to.   
  
"He's going." Its Sam, I know she will elaborate so I don't even bother looking up at her. "They got him to go, back to Atlanta. They are packing him up now. If you want to see him now's the time." She gets up and leaves. I want to go, I want to say goodbye, I want to say I love you and when you get back I'll be waiting here for you, I'll wait forever. I don't though. I know he doesn't want that right now. So I stay put. I cry I can feel the pillow getting wetter under my face. "I love you John." I murmur into my pillow. My hair is sticking to my face.   
  
~*~  
  
"Abby," A soft voice whispers.   
  
"Huh?" I look up and there is Pratt standing over me. I hop out of bed and look at him. I push the hair out of my face and gather it to put it in a pony tail. "What time is it?"   
  
"Ten- I'm taking over your shift, go home get some sleep." He leave the room. I must have feel asleep here. I get out of bed and walk to the admit desk, were everyone's eyes are on me. "MOM!" Bryce darts at me, and then pulls me into a hug.  
  
"Go wait in the lounge I'll be there in a minute." He smiles then leaves. Susan approaches me. "Carter is Atlanta. Luka took him down this time. I don't know how long he will be there for." I nod and head for the lounge, I need to go home, to forget all of this. Thank god I have no alcohol in my house right now. 


	68. Away

Three months. Another three months. This is taken exactly six months out of my life so far. I can't let it take control any more. I can't let it do this to me once again. This is it. A new start, a new beginning. I can do this. I really can. I just can't believe I had to go through everything for a damn slight relapse. It wasn't as bad as it was before. It just a minor mistake. And then all over again. I was through the withdrawal within the first week. I was condemned to eleven weeks of therapy and group sessions. In a way I hated it, and now, when I'm finally done with it, I'm thanking the fates they sent me here. I don't know why. It's such an adverse feelings. When I was inside, I wanted to be out. And now when I'm out, I want to stay there. It's the feeling of security, of belonging. No one to judge me for the person I am. Everyone understands, one way or another, that I"m not perfect, and never will be. I give a hug to my counsellor, James, on the way out. He was the most understanding of all. And I guess I have him to thank for my life back. I head out the yellow taxi waiting in front for me. The tickets is in my hand, my keys as well. My bags are already in the trunk. I give the center a small wave as I go. I'm a better person now. I just needed the break to sort everything out. I'm okay. I"m going to be okay. I can still put my life back together, glue everything back together, and get on with it. It's in the end, just a mild stepping stone.   
  
When I go back to Chicago, I have to stop by Lucy's grave. I haven't been there since before the rehab, the first time. It hurt too much. I miss her. I wish she was here. She was the sweetest, kindest, most gentle person ever. I still say it should have been me to die. She would have made a spectacular doctor. The ride to the airport takes shorter than I remember it the first time. I guess I've just gotten used to the surroundings. It's Atlanta, it's a gorgeous city, but it's just not for me. My father loved it though. Heh, he managed to visit me. I think our relationship is going to be okay. I was so frightened the second time, he would be disappointed or disown me. But he only stood by me more. I underestimate him all the time. He's not a bad person. He never was. I just needed to realize he's not as open as I wish he was. I love my father, I guess it took me a while to stop blaming him for not being there, and thank him for the all the times he was there. Because all the times he did show up, those times meant more to me than anything. He did alot for me. He managed to close my condo and sell it, although the location was beautiful, I doubt he had a problem. He shuffled paperwork for the foundation, and for my person benefit. He even managed to set up my new condo and get everything shipped over there. I don't know if it had taken alot of effot, but I"m glad to know he cares enough.   
  
I walk through the crowded airport towards my gate, number 7. From Atlanta, Georgia to Boston, Massachusettes. It took alot of thought and convincing, but I finally managed to give myself a few good reasons for leaving Chicago. All thanks to James. He's the one that hinted at getting away from Chicago, and he's the one that said he could pull a few strings, and maybe get me into BUMC. It's one of the top Trauma Centers in the world. And I was accepted a few days ago. I really didn't believe it. I mean I still have somethings I'm going to have to go through like the random drug testing for a period of one year, and mandatory NA meetings for ninety days, but considering I'm getting away from where it all started, I"m better off. I walk up towards the ramp, and I help an older woman get to her seat. I move up closer to the front, where there usually are less people, and grab a set by the window.   
  
And then there's Abby. That is a completely different story. I spent one week blaming her, two weeks hating her, and nine weeks forgetting her. I think I've finally managed to do it. Unless I see her again, but I probably won't. I guess I needed to get away from her the most. She still controls most of my thoughts, but I'm slowly gaining power over that, too. I just can't believe the way I treated her. I wish I could call and say I"m sorry, or say it to her face, but I can't. Because it'll start all over again. And I don't want it to. It can't. I hope to god she's not drinking, and that Bryce is okay. She's such a good person, she can't let her insecurities and fear run her life. The plane has finally taken off, and in about an hour and a half, I should be walking through the doors of Boston University Medical Center's Emergency Room, looking for my latest employer. From what James told me, she was nice and friendly. I hope she really was. I can't deal with another Weaver. Although she had called a few times and she seemed genuinely concerned. She was even a bit glad I was getting away from County, opening new horizons.   
  
I don't know what had gone wrong the second time. I thought I had everything under control. But I'm an addict. I will always be an addict. Even if I'm a "recovering" addict, I'm still and addict. I need to realize that. And even one Tylenol can throw me over. It's a rough game, but I have control of it now, for sure. I know I do. At least I hope I do. I fall asleep for the majority of the plane ride. I'm excited for what's going to happen. I want to start over. This is the new beginning I need. I get off the plane, the jet lag that usually annoys me, not getting to me this time. It was only a short flight though. I walk out through the doors, greeted by spring in Boston. It's a bit chilly, but all in all, gorgeous. I head towards a Taxi. I have to stop by the hospital first and check in. Then I plan to go home and see what chaos my father reaked upon my new condo. I eargely look out the windows at the city like a little kid. I can't help it. It's beautiful. One of those old colonial style cities. We reach the hospital, and I hadn't even realized when. It's so huge. But it's got everything inside. I tell the cabbie where to drop off my stuff, my father is at my place right now, he called a few minutes ago. I get out and pay him, then head into the huge glass doors. I get through security without a problem and head towards what I hope is the main desk in the ER. It's so huge. I'm growing more excited by the minute.   
  
"Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Denison."  
  
The receptionist is actually doing her job, and checks the board.   
  
"She's in curtain one, but she'll be back in a second. Are you Dr. Carter?"  
  
I shake my head yes to the woman. She gives me a smile.   
  
"Hi, I'm Deborah. We've been expecting you."  
  
I give her my hand and she shakes it. After a few seconds the phone rings, so she gets back to work, signalling me to wait around. I take a closer look around. The funding isn't great here either, but everything seems to be getting done. They have committed doctors and nurses. Some of the best in the country. I'm looking out at what seems to be exam rooms when I hear my name being called, and I turn around. In front of me stands a woman, with long dark brown hair, about 5' 8" in stature with piercing green eyes and a beautiful smile on her face.   
  
"Hi. I'm Dr. Denison. Or Annette."  
  
I'm getting over the shock of the woman in front of me. She is absolutely breath-taking. I'm a bit thrown back. I guess I pictured anyone that looks like her to either be a businesswoman, a lawyer, or a housewife that does absolutely nothing but run the maids. She shakes my hand and she throws her charts on the desk.   
  
"Sorry, I had a little girl who was terrified of getting a shot. How was your flight?"  
  
She's trying to sign off on most of her charts at once. It's actually quite cute. Her hair is flying in front of her face.   
  
"It was okay."  
  
She nods her head, and mutters something about good. She throws the charts into the discharge tray and looks at me.   
  
"I'm kidnapping you."  
  
I give her a questioning look. She's a little too outgoing and eccentric. But maybe that can be good.   
  
"I'll be back in about two hours Deb."  
  
The receptionist smiles and nods her head. Annette checks for her pager and then looks at me.  
  
"NA. It's mandatory remember? And I run the meetings, so you're coming with me."  
  
We head out into the brisk air, but it's warmer now. It's about noon, so the sun is warming everything up.   
  
"Get used to the walking, Boston is a walking city. The roads are horrible."  
  
I give her a little laugh. I dont' walk much, so I guess I better start.   
  
"James tells me you're a wonderful doctor."  
  
I give her a smile.   
  
"I hope he's right."  
  
She looks at me, giving me this sexy little smile. So when I promised myself no relationships for a while, I lied.  
  
"He's never wrong."  
  
I laugh. I've only known her for less than fifteen minutes, but she intrigues me. She's so energetic and positive.   
  
"So you run the NA meetings?"  
  
She nods her head.   
  
"Yeah. Both NA and AA. I alternate with a few people with running meetings. We've started doing just NA or just AA because Narcotics and Alcohol seem similar, but they really aren't. I guess it makes people feel better knowing that there are other people with the same exact problem."   
  
We're walking down the streets, and she wasn't kidding about the traffic being horrible. But the cities breathe taking.  
  
"Are you...?'  
  
She shakes her head.   
  
"No. But my father... But my father was a doctor. He was on trauma call one night. There was a woman stuck inside a car, and he needed to get on scene. Somehow he managed to get to her, and stop the bleeding, but another car rammed into that whole mess. He was pinned in-between two sheets of metal for over 14 hours. After that, he was paralysed from the waist down. And that's when everything started."   
  
I look at her, and she's suddenly lost that gleam of energy.   
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
She shakes her head.   
  
"I saw the change in him, you know. I knew something was up, my mother and I, we just couldn't get to him. He overdosed one night, and that was it. I had lost my hero. I guess since then, I've become more and more involved in the groups. It helps heal wounds. What about you?"  
  
I bite on my lip a bit.  
  
"The first time or the relapse?"  
  
She shrugs her shoulders.   
  
"Both?"  
  
I've become a bit more comfortable talking with people about it, but suddenly I feel like I could spill my soul to her.   
  
"The first time, I was stabbed in the back with a six inch butcher knife..."  
  
She cringes a bit, and a look of empathy crosses her face.  
  
"The relapse.. Well the relapse was a a combination of things, work, stress, relationships, everything I guess."  
  
She gives me an understanding glace. I know she understands. We reach a building and I open the door for her, she goes in and I step after her. A few people wave to her, and she waves back, smiling enuthusiatically, the same person she was back at the hospital.   
  
"We've got a good group. You'll like it. Wait for me after the meeting, and we'll go out for lunch?"  
  
I nod my head and she smiles. I head off to grab a seat somewhere in the middle. I guess I hadn't expected everything to come crashing down in one day, but it's not a bad thing. Just different. And I think I like it. Alot. 


	69. Dear Bryce

"Are there post cards in rehab?"  
  
"What?" I give Bryce a look and he shrugs.   
  
"I mean do they have post cards that the patients can mail to their family and friends saying things like 'be glad you're not here.' or 'in the loony bin and lovin' it.'" I roll my eyes at him. Susan starts to laugh. Bryce has been taking it pretty hard since Carter left, I tried to keep it from him the exact reason why John left, but you can't exactly keep secrets at county. Ever since he found out he has been making jokes, acting like it does not bother him, but it does. It bothers him as much, if not more then it bothers me. "Bryce-" I sigh, "go do something useful." He walks away, and I cringe. I wish things could have turned out differently, but they didn't. "Dr. Wycenzki." Gallant comes up from behind me and hands me a chart. "For you." He smiles.   
  
"Thanks Gallant." I see Susan watching me, and she gives me a sympathetic smile. "How you holding up?"   
  
"Fine, great even." Its not that much of a lie, its more truthful today then it would have been had I said it a month or two ago. I really am doing better. I do think about John a lot, but he has moved on. He lives in Boston now, with his father and has a new position there. I no longer drink, Bryce is doing okay in school. Things are good. I do miss him though, I would be lying if I said I didn't. I toss the chart to the side and head for the lounge, Bryce and I are going to get some dinner, he sees me and gets up. "So mom- do you think he will ever come back?" Kerry just informed us all yesterday that Carter was living Boston, and Bryce has had a tough time wrapping his mind around it. "Do you want him too?" I ask, I have wondered this for a while, how much Bryce misses Carter. "Sometimes." e sighs, then runs his fingers through his short hair, just like Carter. "But he hurt us, he hurt you. I do think we are all better off with out him." I nod, and together we walk towards the restaurant. I think loosing Carter has brought Bryce and I closer together. He relies on me more now, and tells me more. We walk into the restaurant, Bryce holds the door for me, we grab a table close to the washroom, its the ritual now. Everything is close to the washroom now a days.   
  
"How's school?" I ask why glancing through the menu.  
  
"Not bad, boring." He looks at me, our eyes lock and I know something is up. "What's wrong Bryce." I sigh.   
  
"You promise you won't get mad?"  
  
"What did you blow up now?" I sigh.  
  
"Nothing, at least not today, but when I dropped by the house today, I picked up the mail and there was this." He holds out an envelope. Its from Carter to Bryce.   
  
"A rehab postcard?" I say looking at it questioningly. He shakes his head.   
  
"Just a letter, I wanted a rehab post card, that way could hang it on the fridge." He laughs. "Just read it mom." He says thrusting it towards me. I nervously open it. I don't know why I am doing this, its not to me its to Bryce, but there is obviously a reason he wants me to read this.   
  
Dear Bryce,  
  
Hey kiddo how have you been? I know it has been a while since we have seen each other, or spoken. I must say you are the person I miss the most out here, I think about you a lot, wondering if you are okay. If your mom is okay, but mostly you. You are such a great kid, I want you to know that, and never forget it. I leave here in two days, I have a position waiting for me at a hospital in Boston, so we may never see each other again. I just wanted to tell you I love you, and no matter what happens in life I will be there for you.   
  
I am sorry that your mother and I did not work out, that we had so many problems her being an alcoholic took a toll on you, I hope to god she isn't drinking again for you. I don't want her to be the one that screws your life up.   
  
Saying that I think I did a lot of damage to you too, for that I am sorry.   
  
I am moving into a nice little condo, and I want you to tell your mom that the place you guys are living in is paid off, forever. You never have to worry about anything. On the subject of your mother, I want you to know that I really do love her, I think I always will, but we were destructive together, I am not sure why. We tore each other apart. I know how badly you wanted us to be together, but in the end, this way is better. Maybe she will meet someone she can be happy with, I hope I will. To me you will always be my child. Even if I never see you again. If anyone asks if I have a son, I say yes his name is Bryce.   
  
Anyways, be good, and good luck with Dylan, take care of your mother.  
  
I love you,  
  
Love   
  
John Carter.  
  
I close the letter and shove it back into the envelope. "I don't care mom." He says looking me in the eye. "You are my only parent. A parent would not do that to their child. You love me, he, just thinks he does." Bryce leans back in his chair and shakes his head.  
  
"Just promise me, we won't hurt each other anymore." I can see he is about to cry, as am I. "We won't baby, but we may fight." I laugh.  
  
"Fighting is expected." He sighs. He gets up from the table and gives me a hug. I can't believe how much we have been through over the last couple of months, but I now know, no matter what, we will always be together. I will always have my son. I don't want him to hate Carter though, I want him to realize that Carter did what was the best for himself, and as much as he hurt us both, he would have hurt us more by staying here. Bryce sits back down at the table, "You think he will write again?" He says as the waitress comes around, we quickly order, a large pizza with pepperoni and anchovies I have really been craving them lately. "I don't know." I sigh, "maybe you should write him back." He looks at me in disbelief. "No, and he's not there anymore."   
  
"They could probably send it to his new place." I explain calmly.   
  
"You should write," He suggests. I laugh and then look at him,   
  
"He didn't write to me." He nods understanding. I watch him for awhile, he is quiet and looking down at the table cloth. "Can we not talk about Carter anymore mom?"   
  
"Sure, we can talk about whatever you want!" I smile. "Okay good." He looks relieved. "I miss him though." I look him in the eye, this is the first time he has ever been this blunt about something. "Me too." I agree.  
  
" If I write to him can I-"  
  
"Bryce, lets do what you said and change the subject to something else." He nods and smiles at me. "Dylan liked the ring, thanks for picking it out." He smiles, it was her birthday a few days ago, Bryce and I went shopping and found her a pretty little heart ring, I offered to pay, but he insisted he pay with the money he has been saving up. "Good, I'm glad." I smile. I look down at the ring on my finger, I guess that was a promise that we both couldn't keep.   
  
I am surprised that he paid off the condo though, it gives me one less thing to worry about, we will move out of there in due time though, I just received a pay increase and we need a bigger space now, but I will always remember what he did for me and Bryce. He definitely was a good guy, he made me happy, and he made Bryce happy. My true love maybe? I am a little upset to read that he is looking for someone new, I sigh and look at my son, who is smiling widely, I don't need anyone else, I have everything I could ever need right here. 


	70. Annette

CHAPTER 67 HAS BEEN FIXED!!! IT IS CHANGED AND EXPLAIN A LOT MORE !  
  
Authors Note- So yesterday was a VERY ditzy day for me, and somehow, I managed to upload chapter 67 as Chpater 68, not many people noticed it, or they did they just didn't say anything. I noticed when I was heading off to school that I did that and my computer was being stupid so I didnt get the chance to fix it til now. Anyways here is another chapter, I know a lot of you were thinking chapter 69 was the end, although that woulda beena funny number to end on (so what immature... I jnew that already!) we went a bit over 100. So here is chapter 70. Oh and the reviews are divided up between chapters since I got like 30 Reviews :D:D:D:D:D:D YAYAYAYAYAY THANK YOU!  
  
~*~  
  
Annette and I reach the restaurant and head towards our reserved table. We both had the day off, and she gave me a tour of the city. I help her off with her coat, and I hand hers, along with mine, to the waiter. I pull out her chair and allow her to sit down. I head across the table to my own seat and we look at the menu's, wondering what to order. I've had the absolute best day with her. She's so outgoing and open, if she wants something, or is thinking something, she'll say it. She's the completely opposite of everyone I've ever known. And she's a people magnet. At the hospital over the last week, she's managed to do thing that no one else could. She's so friendly and talented. I smile just looking at her. And she's got the most beautiful, rich green eyes, along with this sexy little smile that everyone falls in love with. Especially me. I love it when she smiles, and she does it alot, too. The waiter comes and we give him our orders. We've having the same thing. We're so alike, I just never realized how two people could so similiar. I guess I told her alot about me today, too. About my family, my friends, my life. And she seemed to genuinely care and understand me. She's absolutely perfect. Our wine comes, and she picks up her glass.   
  
"To you, for making it through your first two weeks."  
  
I smile at her, she's so cute.   
  
"For us, for making it through gossip."  
  
She starts to laugh a little and rolls her eyes playfully. We take a sip of our wines and dinner arrives shortly. We keep conversation light, about patients, and she keeps on informing me about who I should stick away from. From what I've heard, half the women in the hospital have their eyes on me. I feel special. But the one I really want is no where in sight. Miles away.   
  
"What are you think about?"  
  
I shake my head, implying nothing.   
  
"Jo-hn..."  
  
She whines like a little kid. Another thing I love about her.   
  
"Chicago."  
  
She takes a sip of her wine and looks back up at me.   
  
"Anything inparticular?"   
  
I shrugg my shoulders.   
  
"Not really."   
  
She takes my hand from cross the table and holds them lightly.   
  
"I know it's hard, John. It's a transition. And it'll get better believe me, it just takes time. But you know I"m always here for you, no matter what."  
  
I nod my head reassuringly at her, and I get a get a light smile.   
  
"Thank-you."  
  
I start to bite on my bottom lip. God do I miss Bryce right now. I just, I don't knwo why I thought of him. It's the first time in a long time that I've felt like this. I look back at Annette and she has her head head down but she's looking at me. She's slightly pouting, I know she's worried about me. She always worries about me. Our food comes, but I've suddenly lost my appetite. I pick at it, and she notices. I guess I've sort of ruined our evening a bit. I wait for her to finish and she looks up at me.   
  
"Come on, let's go home."  
  
I nod my head, liking that idea very much. I can't believe I'm homesick. For the first time in my life, I want to go no where but Chicago. It's a strange feeling. I pay the bill and grab our coats. We head out the door and we wrap our arms around each other, this time I think I"m leaning on her more than she is on me. She squeezes my hand reassuringly and we stroll slowly towards her condo.   
  
"Have you talked to anyone?"  
  
I'm knocked out of my thinking atmosphere. For the better, of course. I can only formulate some of the weirdest situations in my head.   
  
"No. No one besides Kerry. And that was formal."  
  
She nods her head. Some more silence. Strangely enough, the silence between us is actually good. We both understand each other, its as if she can read my mind. I've opened up to her little by little, she knows a bit about Abby, and alot about Bryce. She knows about my family, and has even met my father. He liked her. Who wouldnt' like her?   
  
"You should call. Say that your settling in okay. Their probably worried about you, too."  
  
I could call, but I never know who might answer the phone. And I guess I don't want to risk anything. These wounds are still too fresh. I shrug my shoulders and she gives me a quick kiss.   
  
"You'll be fine."   
  
We walk another block or so, and I've eased myself out of my mourning mood little by little. I don't want to bring this evening to a terrible close. We reach her condo, and she opens the door, I follow at her heels. We get up to her place, and I lock the door behind me. She's a perfectionist, so of course, everything has to get hanged up in the closet. Her condo is so neat, it's always in perfect order. She unpins her hair and lets it cascade down her shoulders. It's so thick, I love it when it's down. She rarely leaves it that way. I can imagine it gets in the way alot. I walk up to her and put my arms around her waist. We dance slowly to the music playing in the background. This is heaven. All my troubles, everything, seems so far away. I haven't even had that many troubles. The only problem I have had is concentrating on the meetings, not Annette. Everything else is fine. I don't get harassed by Kerry, no loud abnoxious patients, or at least I haven't gotten any. Even the weather behaves. She turns her head a bit, and I'm in perfect reach of her lips. I give her a kiss, the lingering taste of chocolate and wine on her lips. Not a bad mix at all. She laughs a little, and I break the kiss. I'm laughing too. I haven't laughed or smiled so much, only with her. It's great. I lace my fingers with hers, and pull them down so I'm standing as close to her, behind her, as possible. She's still leaning against me, but she's looking out at the moon through the open windows. It hasn't been a bad night, just an emotional rollarcoaster. But I really think that it's all going to straighten out soon. She said it would take time, and time is all I've got on my side right now, besides her. The music ends, and she lets go. She's heading towards her bedroom and I follow after her.   
  
I climb into bed, and she joins me a few minutes later. She smells like lotion and mint toothpaste. Very inticing and addictive. She lays down against me, and turns off the lamp on her side. I leave mine on since I've grown used to this ritual. We talk alot. Alot more than I have with anyone else. And I like it. I can finally be open about everything, and she doesn't judge me or ridicule me. My right hand holds hers, and she slowly kisses it before resting it against her body.   
  
"You miss Bryce, don't you?"  
  
I want to laugh. It's so ironical, she can read my mind at times.   
  
"Yeah, a bit."  
  
She sighs, I know she's tired. She volunteered to pull off a shift for Grace so she could be home for her daughter's birthday. And she didn't get much sleep today since she had promised to take me around the city. She's stubborn. I had wanted her to stay home, but she didn't. Now that exhaustions is kicking in. She curls up to be a bit more, and pulls the covers closer around us.   
  
"Call him tomorrow."   
  
I wish I could. But I know he probably hates me, or just doesn't want to hear from me again. I've hurt him. I've hurt them both.   
  
"I doubt he wants to speak to me."  
  
She squeezes my hand, the little comfort I find from that.   
  
"I doubt that he's not worried about you."  
  
I reach over and turn off my lamp. I give her another quick kiss before making myself comfortable.   
  
"It's still too early. I will. Just not yet."   
  
She nods her head.   
  
"When the time's right... But the longer you take, the more he's going to think that you don't care about him."  
  
I suck on my lip. She's right. But I can't bring mysefl to do it. It would probably draw me forth to go back to Chicago again. And now everything finally seems to be going in the right direction. I cannot afford it right now. I cannot screw up again. I pull Annette closer to me and fall sleep, glad that I have at least her in my life.   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"Is it about Dylan?" I frown. He shakes his head no. As far as I know they are still together, as together as ten year olds can be. "Um- Carter?" Luka guesses, Alex's face freezes up, then walks back over to his desk. "It was Carter on the phone wasn't it?" I am shocked, Carter hasn't written or called in a month. I walk towards the lounge, to find Bryce lying on the couch.   
  
**REVIEW RESPONSES**  
  
Ashley- not the end loooooooooots more to go:D you'll see.  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan- not your favourite :( at least u like them :) I think they have a few things to work out before things will change.  
  
Sam- nope not just you, they were the same. I don't think you will be disappointed by the ending... at least I hope not!  
  
IDontWriteIJustRead- but if there is kissing stuff its all part of the story :D don't worry nothing will be too extreme.   
  
knocked who up? Nah cuz the drinking wouldnt have been good for it... no sense woulda been made there.   
  
J- haha, glad you enjoyed all the updates, nah we will continue to update, we have found that we want to move on with other projects, and while we loved writing this story, we want to start posting new things, maybe things that are even related to this story ;) so we have decided to update more, the nine updates we to just throw people for a loop haha. I think we succeeded.   
  
Carby4ever- Now that would be a crazy twist haha  
  
carbytothecore-I agree  
  
cool cat- Thanks, nope more to come!  
  
NAT- what? We love angst haha I just think people don't like angst so it clouds their views, but I could be wrong. Personally I love writing and reading angst it keeps me intriguded and loving the story.  
  
CARBYforever- thank yah, we try... The story will pick up in a bit we promise  
  
hyperpiper91- Carter's being such a prick, bwahaha. Dude don't worry about Ernie hehe... maybe even bert??? lol  
  
CamilaC- Annette is always an option... hmmmm.... 


	71. the call

Authors Note- Hey everyone, this is yet another chapter for today. I hope you enjoy it please don't hate us for everything that is going on in the story right now, we loved writing this and at the end we might be doing a one week post thinggy, anyways I'll tell you about it once we get started and start to post.  
  
"Can I get a computer?" I look up from the dinner I am cooking and look at my son, a computer? "Why?"   
  
"I need one, want one, I need one. Puh-LEASE" He begs walking over to me and leaning on my shoulder. "Bryce-" I nudge him off and walk over to my broccoli. "We don't have money for that right now, we are especially pressed for cash at this point in time, and you know that." He looks at me and throws his hands in the air I know he understands, well somewhat. "Have you got another letter from Carter?" I ask sifting through the drawers for a measuring spoon. "Nah, its been like a month since he wrote the other one." He sighs, his chin resting up against his hand. "Oh, sorry." I look him the eye.  
  
"Nah, mom don't be." We have been getting along great lately, I think things have only gotten better since Carter left, we have been able to work out our problems with one another, and he has learned that I love him regardless of anything that may happen. He looks at me smiling, "what?" He is about to say something when the phone rings interrupting his thoughts. He quickly grabs it and hits talk. "Yellow?" He asks goofily. He suddenly gets very serious and looks angry. "No!" He says firmly. "I am- " He rubs his forehead "I gotta go, just- bye." He hangs up the phone, slamming it onto the receiver. "Who was that?" I ask suspiciously, he just shakes his head at me, takes a deep breath then smiles widely. "Wrong number." I don't believe him. He walks towards his bed room and thrusts his face into the pillow. "Bryce." I say softly, walking over to his bed.   
  
"Sorry mom," He looks at me, "I just want to be alone right now, okay?" I nod rubbing his back then head for the kitchen.  
  
~*~  
  
"You okay?" I look down at Bryce, ever since we got that 'mysterious' call he has been acting funny. "Yeah, I'm just going to lie down in the lounge." He shrugs then leaves me at admit. I have been really worried about him lately, I don't know what to do or say to him to make him feel better, or tell me what is wrong. "You okay?" Luka comes up from behind me and leans down on the counter next to me. I nod my head, still staring at the lounge door, hoping Bryce will pop out of it with a big smile on his face. "Bryce is acting weird." I explain, Luka's eyes immediately go to a busy Alex, who is working on his homework a couple feet away. "What?" His hands fly into the air, watching both of us.   
  
"What's he upset about?" Luka presses, Alex shakes his head then walks over to us, "Ask him." He suggests.  
  
"Is it about Dylan?" I frown. He shakes his head no. As far as I know they are still together, as together as ten year olds can be. "Um- Carter?" Luka guesses, Alex's face freezes up, then walks back over to his desk. "It was Carter on the phone wasn't it?" I am shocked, Carter hasn't written or called in a month. I walk towards the lounge, to find Bryce lying on the couch. "Why didn't you tell me?" I ask sitting down at the end of the couch. "ALEX!" He shrieks, I rub his hand, kissing it.   
  
"Why didn't you speak to him?" He looks at me, tears threatening to fall.   
  
"Because I hate him." He cries, he leans in a grabs me furiously crying into my shoulder, his body shakes. "I hate him for what he did to you, I hate him for how he left us, for how- for how he is such a jerk, and how he lied to me. He was going to be here forever." He wipes his nose with his sleeve. "He- he, told me he loves you." He sniffles that looks at me. "He does baby, we just- we aren't meant to be." I rub his small shoulders and he shakes his head. "Nah, if he loved you he wouldn't be with her." A tear comes rolling down his cheek, her? What her? There is a her? "Huh?" I ask dumbfounded.  
  
"When he called, I heard the voice of another women, I heard her saying something like, is that him? Is that Bryce? I hate her." He gets up and walks over to the table, picking up a chair then slamming it onto the floor. "I HATE HIM!" He screeches before falling to the floor. Knees at chest. "He never intended to stay around mom, he's just like dad." He looks up at me with sad eyes. "I wish we never met him. I wish you stayed with Ted." He cries, the tears fall down his face and he doesn't stop them. I walk over to him, wrap my arms around his small frame and rock him back and forth. "I know sweetie. I- I love you so much, and Carter loves you too, just because he doesn't-" Bryce pushes me off him and stands up. "DON'T SAY THAT! HE DOES NOT LOVE ME! IF HE LOVED ME HE WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT!" He stomps his foot, the lounge door opens and in walks Luka, "Everything alright here?" Bryce runs out by him and down the hall, I can hear his angry footsteps echoing through the corridors. Luka smiles sadly at me. "I am going to get him." I push past Luka.   
  
I go to the spot where I know Bryce is, the roof. Carter introduced him to this spot and ever since he can't seem to get away from it. He loves it. There is something about the roof that is so peaceful, so nice. It takes away all your worries and your pains, it lets you sift through everything. I pus the big heavy door, and find him facing the city, his hair being gently blown by the wind. "Sorry." He says in a barley audible whisper. I rest against the brick beside him and watch as he looks out over everything. He's so mature for his age, so smart. His hair is blond, but I am afraid the way I am raising him it will be grey by the time he is 20, or so. He smiles at me weakly. "I just thought Carter was a really cool guy, you know? From the first day I met him, he was awesome." He pauses to lick his lips. "He hated you." Bryce laughs. "Which at the time was a bonus, cause I though you were the worst mom ever, you're not though, you are amazing. What you do for me is just amazing. I thought he was different you know? I thought we could be friends no matter what. That he'd be here for me, even if you guys broke up, that I'd be okay with you two not being together, I could set all that aside." He turns and looks at me. "I'm not okay with it. I'm not okay with the way he treated you, I know he hit you mom, well not hit, but push or shove or whatever you want to call it." He reaches over and hugs me tightly. "I hate that guy, he's a druggie and we don't want that." Bryce pulls away from me. "Bryce, I'm an alcoholic, sure I haven't drank in four months, but its been hard, and I couldn't have survived without you, you were my strength, and I think you are the same thing to Carter. Although he did some pretty awful things, that wasn't him who did it. That wasn't the Carter you got to know, the Carter you loved. It was a different possessed crazy Carter." He sighs, wiping his face.   
  
"Yeah, its just hard to forget." He looks at me.   
  
"Maybe you could try calling him, when you are ready of course. You don't have to talk for long, but you could just see how he is. He loves you with everything he is, and I'm sure he would love to hear from you."   
  
"Maybe I could ask him for a computer." Bryce laughs.   
  
"I'd wait on that one." I joke back. Its nice to see that he is in a lighter mood, I know this whole situation was taking a toll on him, but he was doing an excellent job holding up the fort. "Maybe talk to him about school and how you made the basketball team." Bryce smiles when hearing this. "Yeah, he helped me play. He was pretty good too, not bad for an old guy."   
  
"Yeah," I rub his arm. "He's a good guy."  
  
"Are you going to call him?" Bryce asks looking at me.  
  
"Um- no." I bite my bottom lip. I can't call him, last time I talked to John he hated me, and I am sure that if he really wanted to talk to me, he would have called.   
  
"Are you sure?" I nod at Bryce.  
  
"Okay, can I at least tell him that you are dating a firemen?" His eyes widen.  
  
"NO!" I wrap my arm around his shoulders as we walk towards the big metal door preparing to leave the cool roof. "Aw, come on. He'd be so jealous."   
  
"Bryce, don't you dare." I laugh.  
  
"Can I at least tell him something else."   
  
"What." I turn to him, and he looks at me smiling.  
  
"You know." He gestures at me.  
  
"Don't you dare, that is a very serious situation."   
  
"Mom- Don't you think he deserves to know?" I shake my head at him, John does deserve to know to an extent, but at the moment I would rather it just be between me and my closest friends, meaning the fine people at county general.   
  
"Bryce, I will tell him when the time is right." I start to walk again.  
  
"So, you'll call him up in 30 years or so and say-" I look at Bryce again.  
  
"I know, I know. I will tell him. Do you want him to know?" I smile at him, I thought Bryce was mad at him now all the sudden he wants him to know this big thing.   
  
"I want him to know, because like you said Carter is a good guy, and I think the baby would be happy with him, well at least when he is sober, and because I want my little brother or sister to have a dad, because I didn't really, not until I met Carter. I want him or her to experience all the growing up with a dad. You know?" I nod at him.  
  
"Okay, I'll tell him... before the baby is born." I laugh.  
  
"Aw MOM!" We walk in to the hospital together, me and my children.   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"You two are just absolutely precious."  
  
We both look up at an older woman sitting in a bed across from us. We really should pay more attention to our surroundings.  
  
"We're sorry."  
  
Annette forwards it and gives the woman an apologetic glace.   
  
"Nah. Don't worry about it. It's great to know that true love still exists."  
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
smilez4eva- haha I'd join an "i can't deal wtih the ER writers they spend two damn years getting abby and carter together and then end it just like that" support group. Don't worry I'll make sure Thursdays chapter will make you feel better...  
  
hyperpiper91- Dude, man if Carter was at my house right now I'd kick his ass and gladly send him to you so you could throw a few punches.  
  
CamilaC- heh, I can't exactly promise anytihng with annette :S sorry.  
  
kate- I heard that a lot in reviews, that we got people in a good mood until they read the story... hehe  
  
CamilaC - I thought luby had some crazy great chemistry but I'm a carby at heart, I can't help it I just am a carby lol...  
  
Amanda- review as many times as you like... we love reading reviews :D  
  
CamilaC- hehehe  
  
MrsWyle- sorry :(   
  
Amanda- we tell all, ALL haha!!!  
  
CamilaC- Carters a crazy for a bit he will get better 


	72. Chapter 72

I walk into the hospital. It's been a little bit over a month that I've been here, and finally everything seems in order. I've got a job that I absolutely adore, a girlfriend that I cannot get enough of, and a life that is perfect. I sometimes get those moments of weakness, where I want to return home, but they've become less frequent, and if they do come, Annette is only a few feet away. We've become closer than ever, sometimes I think we're joined at the hip. I never expected to feel this way, so carefree, so happy. I thought it would take so much more effort, but it hasn't. The people that I've gotten to know here, the doctors, the professors, the nurses. Everyone. They are just spectacular. So open and helpful, I've made more friends and companions than I ever have in my life. I drop of my latest chart, and see Annette standing by the desk, I walk over to her and give her a peck on the cheek.   
  
"Hey you..."  
  
I smile at her. The nurse she was talking to rolls her eyes and laughs.   
  
"Hey yourself."  
  
I take her hand and start pulling her away. I have a patient in another room that is a huge problem. I can't figure out what's wrong with her. She's complaining about a headache, fever, stomach pains, but nothing's coming out on her blood work. I'm clueless.   
  
"I have a patient, Mrs. Zandilski, I can't figure out what's wrong with her."  
  
She scrunches her nose, and I hand her the chart.   
  
"What came out on her blood work?"  
  
I shake my head.   
  
"Nothing, perfectly normal."  
  
She starts to suck on her lip and we walk into the room together.   
  
"Mrs. Zandilski, this is Dr. Denison."  
  
She smiles at the woman and she smiles back. That smile is so contagious. Sometimes I swear she makes patients feel better by just smiling, laughing, and talking with them.   
  
"Mrs. Zandilski, have you ate out recently or had anything raw?"  
  
I look at Annette, and then at the woman lying on the bed.   
  
"Actually, my fiancée had brought sushi home two days ago."  
  
Annette shakes her head, signing orders to the chart.   
  
"You're going to be okay, just a simple case of food poisoning. We're going to keep you here for observation for the night just to be safe."  
  
She gives us both a thankful glance.   
  
"I'll be right back with something to help with the pain."  
  
I walk out after Annette, and give her another kiss.   
  
"Thank you..."  
  
She laughs.   
  
"Don't get used to it. We don't get a lot of food poisoning cases either, though."  
  
I nod my head. I'm holding her very close to me. I know there has to be rules about this somewhere, but the only thing that can happen is Annette fires me and herself. Which is very unlikely. I start to give her gentle kisses along her neck. I hear her giggle my name a little.   
  
"You two are just absolutely precious."  
  
We both look up at an older woman sitting in a bed across from us. We really should pay more attention to our surroundings.  
  
"We're sorry."  
  
Annette forwards it and gives the woman an apologetic glace.   
  
"Nah. Don't worry about it. It's great to know that true love still exists."  
  
We both smile at each other. I don't know if it's true love, but it's something. I'm drawn to her more than ever. We head off towards the lounge to get some coffee. We've both been on for over 30 hours. And we're both exhausted. Probably turning delusional.   
  
"So how you holding up after last night?"  
  
I sit down on the couch and watch her brew the coffee. Last night I had finally mustered enough courage to call Bryce. And it went over as I had thought it would. He hung up on me. I don't blame the kid, I mean he's been hurt by me enough. He had good reason to. I silently wished it hadn't gone the way it had though. She sits down next to me, putting her head onto my shoulder and grabbing my hand.   
  
"I'm okay."  
  
She rubs my thigh a bit and then stops, probably too exhausted to do anything else.   
  
"He'll come around."   
  
I shurg my shoulders. Who knows. I think it might be better if he doesn't. It'll keep me away from hurting the two of them again.   
  
"One way or another, I've still got you."  
  
She smiles and leans over, giving me a strong kiss on the lips.   
  
"Yeah, and we're out of here in five hours and fifty-eight minutes."  
  
I roll my eyes. I'd hang around a bit more. It's better than County.  
  
"You have too much time on your hands, don't you?"  
  
She laughs a little.   
  
"Yeah I wish."  
  
She gives me her hands, and pulls me up with her.   
  
"Get back to work. Your wasting too much time."  
  
She hits me playfully.  
  
"I do not sound like that."  
  
I kiss her again.   
  
"I know you don't. And I hope you never do."  
  
She hands me the cup of coffee and pushes me out the door back into the ER. We get back into work mode, and the hours seem to fly by quicker than usual. After this, I have a meeting, she's going to bed. I plan to join her afterwards. I've done my mandatory time, but I guess I go from time to time to make sure I don't give in. I'm alot stronger now than I was before. I get alot of strength from Annette. My father was telling me she is good for me. I know she is. I watch her walk off towards one of her patients, the patient's face lighting up instantly when they see her. I walk off my opposite way, heading towards Andrea, one of the nurses. I need some help on a spinal tap. The nurses are beyond remarkable. I doubt I've ever heard one of them complain about anything all in all the time I've been here. This little girl is my last patient before my shift ends, and I'm a big eager to get it done. I talk with her for a while. She's an orphan, and they brought her here because of her fever. I spent a better part of an hour with her, and she felt comfortable with me. I do the spinal tap with little resistance. I hate doing these things on little kids. They take so much out of them, even the stronger ones. I've had one done before and it hurts like hell. I send off the sample to the lab and sit back down with her.   
  
"Katie, I have to go now, but I"ll be back tomorrow, okay sweetie?"  
  
I push the hair out of her face, and her eyes are brimming with tears from the pain.   
  
"Otay."  
  
I fluff up her pillows, and give her one last reassuring smile. She'll be okay. She's a fighter.   
  
I sigh out on most of my charts, the rest I have to take home to update. I pack them in my bag, and I give Annette a kiss as she walks in.   
  
"I'll see you at home."  
  
She nods her head.   
  
"Whatever you do, do not wake me."  
  
She says it seriously but that bit of laughter is in her eyes. I kiss her again and head out the door.   
  
"I won't."  
  
I exit the hospital into the sun. The weather keeps on getting better every day, and it's a bit warmer. My father also likes it here. He's usually in New York on business, but he manages to come down every two weeks or so. Our relationship has gotten much better, and so has his and mom's. I haven't seen my mother in a while, but I have talked to her a few times on the phone. I think the Ice Queen is finally starting to melt. I don't know if it's just me. Maybe it is. But I've gained more acceptance for who I am, and I can also tolerate alot more. I'm finally happy with the person I am.   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"Hi Bryce, this is Annette, John Carters friend." Bryce and I both freeze, neither of us know what to say or do. Annette probably isn't aware that I can hear what she is saying, hell she may not even know who I am.   
  
"Uh hi." He replies.  
  
"I am sorry to call you like this, you must be quite confused." Bryce seems to agree with this statement. "Uh- its okay." He runs his fingers through his hair, a habit he picked up from Carter.  
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
Amanda- hehe nope  
  
Amanda- haha like my fist and his face  
  
Amanda- Good thats our intention :D  
  
Amanda- He was screwed in the head when He said most of those things... if not all  
  
Amanda- yep Abby is so smart haha  
  
vicki- Yeah it was a creepy ending... sorry hehe  
  
Caitlin- haha yeah so many problems, first thing on the menu... Carter comes back!  
  
rizzo1- Not the end...do not fret :D 


	73. late night thinking pt1

Authors Note- yet another chapter today.... these ones are complete with review responses and previews though!!!  
  
"Bryce has been on a roller coaster of emotions this year. Ranging from happy to sad, from energetic to depressed, and it is hard for us to pinpoint the exact cause of this." Mrs. Lamb, Bryce's fifth grade teacher tells Bryce and I. I look down at my son, and he smiles slightly. "Mrs. Lamb, I'm cool now." His smiles widens. She looks at him frowning, not quite believing him. "Bryce do you mind if I speak to your mother alone?" Mrs. Lamb asks politely, Bryce stands up and heads for the door, waving to me on his way out. "Ms. Wycenzki... That is the new name correct?" The tall lady quizzes.  
  
"Uh- yes, I have a new baby on the way-"  
  
"Right, the baby in which Bryce refers to as Ernie." I chuckle quietly, I don't know why he chose Ernie. "Yeah, none the less, I am having another child and I would like it if Bryce and the new child go by my maiden name, instead of my Ex husbands name, seeing as he is not the father of the new child, nor is he really a father to Bryce-"  
  
"Now do you think this name change has caused an identity crisis for Bryce?" She raises her eyebrows. "No, not at all. I think he is actually relieved to be free of his fathers last name. He does not like nor get along with Richard, and keeping his last name felt like he was permanently tied to him." The lady seems to find this answer some what acceptable, and moves on. I know what she is trying to do. She is trying to make me out to be a horrible parent, she thinks that all that has happened to Bryce is my fault, she is right, well for the most part, but I have tried to shelter my son from the pain, it hasn't worked, but Bryce is stronger and more aware then most kids his age, he knows what the world has to offer and he is prepared. "Where's the baby's father?"  
  
"I don't see how that is any of your business." I say in defence of myself. She nods her head at me, god I do not like this women. "Look, Mrs- Lamb, Bryce has had a tough year, I know some of this has been my fault, but he has finally settled down and learned that things are the way they are and that he can't control everything." I explain calmly.   
  
"What about this other man-"  
  
"John Carter, he moved to Boston that has been tough on Bryce because he was like a father to him, but I think he's doing better now." I stand up, and extend my hand to the lady, I am ready to get out of here. "Thank you for coming in, Ms. Wycenzki, Bryce may be better off then I thought." She smiles, lifting herself from her chair.   
  
~*~   
  
"So what the bitch say?" Bryce sticks the key in the lock and walks into the condo, he grabs a brown grocery bag from me and walks over to the table setting it down. "Bryce- don't call her that." I don't like when he swears.  
  
"Sorry, what did the female dog say?" He rolls his eyes and starts helping me unpack the grocery bags. "She thinks the name change has caused and identity crisis and she thinks you miss Carter." He puts a tin of soup under the cupboard and walks over to me, "I do." I look at his sad blue eyes. "I mean I'm getting use to the fact that he's gone, its been like three and a half months, but sometimes I wish he was here, to swim with and hang out with." I nod understanding, I miss him too.   
  
"He hasn't written or called has he?" He shakes his head sadly, I know Bryce was contemplating calling John, but he has yet to get up the nerve. "Maybe I could get you an appointment to see someone!" I say nonchalantly.   
  
"See someone?" He tosses the chips at me.   
  
"Like a psychiatrist." I shrug, I know he will not be keen on the idea. He shakes his head and then laughs. "No, not a chance. I don't need too." He walks over to me and gives me hug, I swear I have gotten more hugs for him in these last couple of months, then his whole life. "Can we pick out baby names tonight?" He beams  
  
"Okay." He flips open the name book and scans through it. "I like the name- oh phone." Bryce walks over to the phone on the wall and hits the speaker button. "Hello?" He leans up against the wall and flips through the book. "Hello, may I please speak to Bryce?" A women asks. I look at him and he shrugs.  
  
"Uh- this is him."   
  
"Hi Bryce, this is Annette, John Carters friend." Bryce and I both freeze, neither of us know what to say or do. Annette probably isn't aware that I can hear what she is saying, hell she may not even know who I am. "Uh hi." He replies.  
  
"I am sorry to call you like this, you must be quite confused." Bryce seems to agree with this statement. "Uh- its okay." He runs his fingers through his hair, a habit he picked up from Carter. "I am having a birthday party for John in a couple of weeks and I was wondering if you would like to attended." Bryce looks at me and shakes his head no. Then continues to mouth the word no to me over and over again. I am shocked that this lady has the nerve to call and ask this, especially after the last phone call between Bryce and Carter, which she must have known about since Bryce said he heard a women's voice. "No thanks." He say rather blatantly.   
  
"Oh, well he would want you there, you are all he talks about. He says you are like a son to him." Bryce starts to laugh, a cold bitter laugh.   
  
"Annette if you had a son would you abandon him?"  
  
"No." She says puzzled.  
  
"Well then I'm not like a son to him, because you don't abandon the people you love." I can tell he is getting upset, his voice is shaking and so are his hands. "I know, I understand completely, but-"  
  
"No, no buts-" I walk up to Bryce and take him in my arms, I reach my arm over and click the 'off' button, hanging up on Annette. I rock Bryce back and forth in my arms. Maybe Carter is a bit of a touchy subject still. "I thought we were going to work on this." I say lifting his chin up. "I know, I just- I want to talk to him first, have him call me again, and then I can think about meeting someone new. All this is just happening way to fast." I look at him and nod in agreement, it is all happening way to fast. "How about I call Sam and see if Alex would like to come for a sleep over tonight?" I say happily.   
  
"Okay." He walks over to the phone and dials the number we all know by heart.   
  
"Hey mom, want to go out for dinner with Sam and Susan?" He says with his hand on the mouth piece. "Uh- sure." I figure it will be nice to go out, I haven't been out with my friends much lately, I've been having a lot of morning sickness and headaches, the whole pregnancy deal.   
  
~*~  
  
"So how are you holding up?" Sam sips on her beer.  
  
"Uh- well." I laugh nervously, while scratching my forehead. "I don't know, I guess I haven't really thought about it. I've been worrying about Bryce more then myself." I sigh, Susan and Sam look at me understandingly. "Maybe you should think about it." Susan says, she right, I probably should broach the subject with myself, I guess I am too afraid of how I will feel when all is said and done. I know he's not coming back, now I'm carrying around his baby that he doesn't even know about. Now he has a new girlfriend, who sounds absolutely perfect, I'm pretty sure I'm the least of his worries. I start to feel depressed just think about all these issues. "Yeah, maybe." Is the only response I can think of at the moment. Sam and Susan stare at me, and suddenly I am desperate to change the topic, Sam notices this and helps me out. "So are you excited about the baby?" She grins.  
  
"Ha, more like nervous, having to raise another baby all by myself, and an almost teenager."  
  
"I know that feeling, I was fifteen when I had Alex and I was terrified, all I had was me. I had no one else to rely on, his dads not much of a dad." Sam explains, its nice to know someone else understands what I am going through. "Are you going to tell John?" Susan asks munching on a pretzel, those look good, I think I will try some.   
  
"Eventually, Bryce is really pushing for me to tell him. He says that he grew up with out a real father and that he does not want the baby to suffer the same fate." I pick up a pretzel and take a bite, baby seems to like them, so I continue eating. "He's right you know." Sam adds. "Yeah, I just would rather not talk about Carter, or Boston, or anything Carter related." I smile, they understand, we all look towards the two boys who are playing arcade games. They are goofing around and having a good time. "Hm, you guys are lucky, I wish I had kids." Susan smiles.  
  
"You can have mine." Sam cracks.  
  
"Take Bryce too." I add, we all smile, its nice to have a fun friendly conversation that does not involve John, Luka saunters over to the table, still in his scrubs, he looks like he just got off work, which he probably did. "Hey you." He leans down and pecks Sam on the lips, they are so comfortable yet casual together, god I wish Carter and I could have kept our relationship like that. Susan and I watch as they casually discuss Alex, and what they are planning to do on the weekend, Carter and I use to be like that, accept I think John and I became less about us and more about Bryce, which is great because I love my son, and anyone who wants me will have to accept his as their own which he did. I think though, John accepted Bryce then me. He didn't really want me at first, then it grew into something more. I don't know any more I'm not really sure what to make of anything. "Well we better be going." Sam says getting up.  
  
"Me too." I grab my jacket, then walk over to get Bryce. "Come on kiddo," I say putting my hand on his back. "You too Alex." Sam calls from the table. Susan has left already, she had a shift so she couldn't stay long anyways. The boys and I walk back towards the table we all head out of the restaurant, Luka and Sam hand in hand Bryce and Alex gossiping about girls. Everything has become about girls with them lately. I don't know much about their girlfriends, all I know is that Bryce is still with Dylan, its been about five months now. My ten year old son can hold down a relationship better then I can. Alex and Robby apparently didn't last long, Bryce says they weren't 'compatible.' We head onto the L platform, Bryce and I wave goodbye to Sam, Alex and Luka.   
  
The ride home is fairly good, no one is really on the train which makes for peaceful riding, we get off at our stop and walk, in silence, towards the condo, both of us lost in our own thoughts. We are probably thinking about the same thing though, John Carter. I miss him so much these days, it could be because I'm pregnant and in the 'horny' stage where all I want it sex, and since he left I have no one to give it to me. Or it could be I just miss him as a person, I miss the times we spent together, the laughs we would have about various things. How we would run around like two horny teenagers trying to have sex all the time, we rarely succeeded though, which is a shame because if there is one thing I could say that rocked about our relationship, through all the pitfalls and the 'I hate you' and the 'I love you' there was the sex, we loved each other so much which I think added to how great it was. Although we only slept together once, if given the chance I would probably do it again. Yes it was that good. It was more then sex though, I am so horny lately all I can think about is sex, but we just had fun together, he made me feel so good, the things he would say about me. He even stood up for Bryce and I to his mother. He really was a great guy, I have to stop doing this to myself, I have to stop torturing my self with thoughts of how great and brilliant he was. Maybe I should think of all the bad and hurtful things he did, so when he comes to mind I won't miss him I will hate him, and want to move on. That should be phase one of my 'getting over Carter'. Hating him. Bryce should never know though, it would put him in the middle of everything. We reach the condo and I open the door and Bryce walks in. "Night mom." he gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek then walks towards his room. I walk into my room and flop down onto the bed, I am so tired all I want to do is go to sleep and now.   
  
Three in the morning, the bright red lights of the alarm clock bore into my eyes, I close my eyes tightly then open them. I am exhausted, I get out of bed heading for the fridge for some water. I crack open the bottle, remembering how Carter did this a lot, he would quietly get out of bed in the middle of the night, trying not to wake me, he always did though, and he would go to the fridge get some water, walk over to the window and look at the moon. Just like I am doing right now. I have to stop doing this, I promised my self I wouldn't think about him anymore, but at times like these I can't help but think of what it was like when he was around. The way he would wrap his arms around my waist. How our hands fit perfectly together. It will never be that way again, his hand fits perfectly with someone else. I sigh, put the lid back on the bottle and head back into my room, I will force myself to go to sleep, even if I have to duct tape my eyes shut.   
  
It's going to be a long night.   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
CamilaC- Dear Abby:( what a bozo he wsa... who the hell dumps someone through letter, although I truly belive that she dumped him first and he just had to get the last word in...  
  
Kaitlin- Carter is A HUGE JERK!!!! I would eat ancovies... maybe i like chocolate bagels with dill cream cheese... is that weird??? Haha I hope your sister didnt slap you lol.  
  
smilez4eva- I want Carby back together on ER sooooooooooooooooooo freaking bad... haha thanks...d on't worry we know u all have other things to do besides read lol...  
  
Helen w- hehe yeah u have to remember the title, haha... Thanks we like writing angst... it tis fun:D!!! Yeah I wish the show would address whole carter druggie issue a little more, maybe they will do that though now that Kem is here. I seriously wonder about that though, I mean Carter and Abby were together for 1 year and she was the love of his life for 3 and yet Carter barley metions Abby to her, I don't know It seems a bit weird.   
  
Tilde8884- Carter coming back would be REALLY nice hehe... yeah we are planning on do a sequel we're not really revealing much now though.   
  
honeybear1- Thank you... I personally feel sorry for Bryce because he is being ripped in two right now agh.   
  
CamilaC - I pissed at Carter in the show.... Who sleeps with someone without using protection after only knowing them for like 2 weeks???? WHAT THE HELL!!!!  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
I nod my head, brushing her hands off mine. I can't look at her. The lie I've been living. I've never felt it more than I have right now, at this night. I'd guess she was thinking about me right now, drawing me in, but I doubt it. She's probably fast asleep in the arms of a man that deserves her and loves her. I'm with the most beautiful and smart woman alive, yet I know I don't deserve her. I don't deserve anyone. 


	74. late night thinking pt2

Authors Note- onemore chapter for today after this one!!!  
  
~*~  
  
My open eyes stare at the intricate patterns on the ceiling. I can't sleep. I've been here for a good 2 hours, and I still can't fall sleep. I give up. I push myself off the bed slowly, hoping not to bother Annette. She's had a long day, and the last thing I want her worrying about is me. I pull on my robe and slippers, which have gained a perfect place in her home, and I head out to her patio. It's already christened with blooming flowers and clean furniture. I slowly open the screen door, hoping to avoid the squeak it usually makes on opening. I get out, and shut it behind me. I stand, resting against the railing, looking up at the stars. The weather is mild, only making me pull my robe a little closer around me. At that moment, I don't know, a picture of her pops into my mind. It's hard, but I"m slowly working over forgetting her. I can't even say her name, because I know I all the emotions I've been trying to suppress will resurface. And it's worst when I'm alone. I worry about her. I mean I'm happy with Annette. But I"ll never be completley in love with her. There's a woman, so many miles away, that still holds my heart, and no matter what I do, she'll always hold it. It's hard. It's really hard. I mean I cry for her, when Annette's not home. I just, I can never tell this to Annette, it will break her heart. But I want to go back. I want to go back so badly, get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness. I know she doesn't want me back. But I'd do anything. I wipe the damn tears from my eyes. I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't think of what could have been. I could have been the happiest man alive, and I screwed it all up. This is my punishment. I mean it's not total punishment, I have a good job, a great girlfriend, a stable life. But that's all it will ever be, is stable. I guess I set myself up for it. I always complained about the twists and turns she and I always took. And now I miss them. Because they were special. Through the "I hate you" to the "I love you" we promised to make it through, and it didn't work out. For either one of us. I guess we're better this way. She's better off without me. She'll settle down, a man would be crazy not to want her. She's probably back with Ted. It's been a little over four months that we've not been together. I don't expect her to wait for me. I never did.   
  
And then there's Bryce. It breaks my heart just to think about him. What kind of person he must think I am. He hates me. He has so much reason to. I wish it wasn't true, but it is. I miss him so much. Him and his cute little sarcastic remarks. How many times did me and her not get to screw each other because of him and his mouth? God. The one and only time we did. If there's anything that stings more in my memory is that one night. One night is all it took for me to realize I wanted to spend the rest of my nights with her. And that never will happen, either. I run my hand through my hair, wiping the threatening tears away. I can't cry over lost dreams. It's over. And it's my fault, I've done this to myself and no one else. I've also managed to hurt the two people I loved most in the world. I wish I hadn't. I wish I could go back in time, change everything. I want her back in my arms. I miss our light conversations, the way she would melt pefectly into my arms, her seductive little looks during work. I miss her friendship, her companionship, her trust. I never realized it, but she really was my best friend. Hell, I spilled almost everything to her, from my first kiss, to my screwed up childhood. And she understood me without even saying a word. I could see it in her eyes. Her deep chocolate brown eyes. I lean my back against the balcony and I sit down, putting my head in my hands. I'm such a damn screw up. I really am. And I don't have enough strength to go back, or even to call. God if she only knew the truth. I would walk on water, run through fire, give up my whole life for her. But I'll never have the chance. Because as the days go by faster and faster, we're both moving on. Well at least I hope she is. I probably never will. And days will turn into weeks, and weeks into months, months into years. I'll be a vague memory of pain for her. Nothing more. Something to be forgotten. The bruises I left on her, probably all healed. Yet the pain, I know the pain is still there. The pain that I inflicted upon her. I never forgave myself. I never will.   
  
Every morning I keep on telling myself its going to get better. I keep on living a lie. It only gets worse. It was okay for a while, then I realized, I'm living a lie. I keep on putting up an act, that will maybe someday become real. I doubt it. I don't' know if Annette can tell. I think she can. But I've become so good at it, I don't' know what's reality and what's fiction any more. I tell myself these stupid lies every day to make myself survive. I'm surviving, just not the way I had imagined it. I feel Annette's warm hands against my skin and I'm instantly cold towards her. It's not fair that I have to drag her through this as well. I guess I needed someone to lean on, someone for support. She's great, marvellous, terrific, but everything I compare to Abby. I know its the worst thing to do in a relationship, but I can't help it. The more I want to get away from her, the close she pulls me in. It's like she's pushed me off at the deepest part of the ocean and just left me there, to either swim back to shore or die. I'd choose the latter. She looks at me with her deep green eyes, concern evident all over her face.   
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
I nod my head, brushing her hands off mine. I can't look at her. The lie I've been living. I've never felt it more than I have right now, at this night. I'd guess she was thinking about me right now, drawing me in, but I doubt it. She's probably fast asleep in the arms of a man that deserves her and loves her. I'm with the most beautiful and smart woman alive, yet I know I don't deserve her. I don't deserve anyone. I would rather wither away alone and forgotten than hurt anyone else like I've hurt her and Bryce. And Annette inevitably. She sighs, edging away from me, sitting down a few feet farther on the cold wooden floor.   
  
"I know your not crying because Gingersnap died yesterday. What's wrong?"  
  
I manage a little laugh. She cried over that dog as if it had been her child. She seemed a little down today, but nothing tragic. That stupid dog had been everywhere. I hated it. She knew I did to, and teased me about it. Made me walk it everywhere. Hell I had practically adopted it. I wiped the last reminscent tears from my eyes, and gave her a promising glace. I can't tell her. I never will be able to. It's one of those deep dark secrets everyone keeps hidden, padlocked in those dark chambers of the heart, never to be released. I watch her scoot closer to me again, I'm warmer towards her than I was a few minutes ago. She makes me meet gazes with her by moving my head gently with her soft touch.   
  
"You've got to talk to me. What's happening between us?"  
  
I look down at the ground and shrug my shoulders, emmiting another sigh from her. She tries so hard, demands so little. She loves me. I can tell with every motion, every word, I just, I can't bring myself to tell her its not mutual. I mean it is mutual, but not in the way she would want it to me. I've tired. I just can't give my whole heart to this woman. I've tried so many times. But there's always this little piece and screams and retaliates and I can't do anything about it. I need to try harder, I need to move on. I lean in for a light kiss. There is defintely something there, I just can't tell if its exactly everything. I'd rather give her everything, or nothing at all, then only bits and pieces. She too, deserves someone better. She grabs my hands and rocks them back and forth.   
  
"I'm sorry, Annette. I don't know what's come over me."  
  
She sits motionless and silent for a while, contemplating what to do. I doubt I would know what to do. I wish I knew what was happening to me. I want this all to be over, a stupid little dream that stopped and I wake up forgetting about her, focusing on Annette. We could be so good together. We are so alike, so right. Then why the hell am I drawn to my opposite?   
  
"You're thinking about them, aren't you?"  
  
I shake my head, but she gives me her knowing glace. She knows me way too well. I change my motion and nodd my head.   
  
"You've also got to stop lying to me."  
  
I freeze and just stare out into space. I've realized I also do that alot. If I can retreat my own safety, then I can defeat the world. It's something I learned during rehab. I would just zone out, leave the place I was encaged in, and thinking, get lost in my thoughts.   
  
"I know. I'm sorry."  
  
She lets go of my hands and pulls her robe tighter around herself. It's cold in the middle of the night, even in Boston.   
  
"Don't be sorry, John. Sorry doesn't fix everything."  
  
I bite on my bottom lip. Hadn't I had this conversation before, hadn't I told her never to say I'm sorry? I look out at the city and its lights. A perfect view from this patio. I never realized it until now. I look back up at her, I can see the look of frustration and pain on her face. God, I"m hurting her. I can't let this happen. Not again. I doubt I can make it through another time. Why the hell do I end up hurting all the people I love.   
  
"I miss them."  
  
Her face changes a bit, the realization of my answer sinking in. I dont know what else to tell her. I mean it's the truth. As stabbing as it may be, she wanted the truth. I can't lie to her. I lie to myself every day. I need to try harder, I need to work more. This could be my second chance to start over, to make things right and I'm ruining it. I watch her get up and lean over across the railing, looking down.   
  
"You're supposed to miss them. But it doesn't change reality."  
  
Reality, such a bitter, harsh word. Such a bitter harsh life. I hate reality, yet I can't keep avoiding it. Reality is, this is my life now. I'm not going to be able to change it.   
  
"I know."  
  
She turns away from me. She usually speaks directly to me, straight into my eyes, but now, now she can't. I don't exactly know why. I"m frightened at what she might be conjuring to say.   
  
"The truth being, as much as I hate to say this, you've pushed each other away. You're never going to be able to go back to the way things were. The more time you spent trying to forget them, the more he resents you, the more she hates you."  
  
I take a deep sigh. I know it in my heart the whole time. It's just slapping me in the face, hearing it aloud.   
  
"I wish I could take away all the pain you feel, but I can't. That's up to you. But what we have, it's real. It's now. You have to stop living in the past."  
  
It's exactly what I'm doing, setting everything up, living a fairy tale that will never happen. This woman in front of me, the city behind me, the life I'm living now. That's what I need to focus on. Not some stupid little dream that everything will once be the way it was before. She's kneeling in front of me, her hands gripping onto mine.   
  
"I love you."  
  
I know she means it with every breathe of her being. I see it in her eyes, her face, her motions, her actions. In her. I need to decide. I need to make the choice. I need give up on something, and take a chance on something else. My hand reaches up to wipe the tear from her eyes.   
  
"I love you, too."  
  
I said it, I don't know how much of me meant it. She breaks away instantly from me. She knows in a way, it's not all of me. She knows me better than I know myself.   
  
"You've got to make a choice. Either you let her go, or you let me go. It's not an ultimatem. I just, I want you to be truely happy, even if its not with me."  
  
What is happiness? I thought I could have clearly defined it for anyone a few weeks ago, and now it's just a rush to the head, a word without meaning. I watch her get up and leave me outside once again. She shouldn't be intitled to so much suffering. She's got such an innocent, all accepting heart. And true happiness, I've finally figure out, doesn't exist. No one can be truely happy, since there is always something that gets in the way. I've given up my search for wanting to be truely happy. I'm going to need to learn how to settle and be just happy. I get up and head off to Annette. I've already ruined two lives in one, I cannot ruin this. This is too good to let go. I just need to let go, for better or worse.   
  
And then something pulls me back towards the patio. Some unforeseen force. Is this what I really want? Is this what being true to myself really is? Another lie upon a lie until my lies become truth? One way or another I'm going to ultimately hurt her, and myself in the end. Is everything I'm doing worth it? Is this what I truely, honesty, want? I can hear my whole heart screaming the answer. I just can't bring myself to believe I could say no to everything. Risk everything for a stupid emotion. A stupid game. I head off towards the bed. It'll be better tomorrow. One moment of weakness in months of survival. I can get over this. This will all be a forgotten memory when that sun comes up, bringing a new day, a brighter and better day. I hope. I hope for everything that I am that tomorrow will be different, it will be better.   
  
Another lie I tell myself to survive.  
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
I walk out to the living room and pick up the baby book. Sifting through possible names for my child... I look through the girls names first, a little girl would be nice, some one who could relate to me a little better, although Bryce and I do have a unique relationship.   
  
***REVIEW RESPONSES***  
  
Lisa- You have a snow day???? You are so lucky we don't get snow days unless its icy:( Yes over a 100 chapters done!:D  
  
Katie- we didnt turn carter into an abusive guy... we turned him into a drug user, which he is. He's not perfect, in the show that made Abby out to be the bad one... The one who couldn't hold herself together and now we are just trying to show that it goes both ways. Carter is far from perfect, he is an okay guy, yes, but the reason he didn't propose to Abby is because she said she doesn't believe people can change, he didn't love Abby for Abby he loved Abby for what he thought she COULD be, I think its nuts that people get mad at us for making Carter human. Thanks for reviewing!!! (BTW I am not trying to sound mean, but we have gotten like 10 reviews throughout the story saying we are sabotaging Carter and that is not our intention, but on the show he is made to be perfect, people aren't like that. He had an addiction then boom its gone, it doesn't work that way.) Y 


	75. babynames

Authors Note- last one for the day:) look forward to tommorow, many more updates. I promise!  
  
Junk mail. That is all we ever get. Junk, junk, junk. I know I am searching the mail for a letter from one person in particular, nothing though. I know it would not be addressed to me anyways, but none the less, I want to know how he is doing. I worry sometimes, I wonder too. Wonder if he is thinking about us. I toss the junk into the garbage and walk back out to the kitchen. I can't stop thinking about him, the more I tell myself I won't the more I do. I can't help it. I love him. I hate him at the same time, but right now the love seems to override the hate, maybe because he is not here, then I think of how he pushed me and squeezed my arm, not letting go, the more I think about that, the angrier I get. I push the hair out of my face, now I am pissed off. Better to be pissed then in love with someone who doesn't want you I guess. I have the day off and Bryce went from school to Matty's he does not get to see him as much now that we moved. I walk out to the living room and pick up the baby book. Sifting through possible names for my child... I look through the girls names first, a little girl would be nice, some one who could relate to me a little better, although Bryce and I do have a unique relationship. 'Madison, Emma, Abigail-' that one is way to close to home. 'Riley.' For a girl? Never heard of it, it is kind of pretty though, Riley Wycenzki. I wonder if Carter would like it? 'Chloe.' Susan's sisters name is Chloe, it will remind me of a drug addict, how horrible is that? The last thing I need is a name that reminds me of drugs and all the pain Carter and I have endured. 'Hannah, Alexis, Isabella', none of those names really appeal to me. Alexis reminds me off a car, which reminds me of a girl Richard once dated. 'Mackenzie, Taylor, Olivia.' I like Mackenzie, Mackenzie and Riley so far. Emma and Madison are pretty too. I have four girls names picked out. I should ask Bryce though, he's been great through this pregnancy even running to the store to buy whatever I need at whatever time I need it. 'Hailey, Paige, Emily, Grace, Ava.' Nah, I like the other four better, I will probably end up making a top five list. Unless I can think of a name that is not in the book. 'Aaliyah, Alyssa, Faith, Brianna.' Brianna is very pretty, it makes the list. I flip to the boys side, I have decided on my top girls names from that page.   
  
Boys, I don't know what I want, I am not really sure it matters. It didn't matter with Bryce. I am glad I got my baby boy though. He is so special to me. 'Aidan/Aden/ Aiden,' A billion different ways to spell one name. That's the same problem I had with Bryce, it was either Bryce or Brice, and I couldn't decide. Richard didn't care either way, but when it turned out to be a boy he was pulling for Richard Junior, I was against that idea, he didn't give a shit about me through out the pregnancy, and he didn't give a shit about my baby, so why should he get to name my son? I decided on Bryce though, because I loved the y. 'Jaden/ Jayden' I am not sure I like either, 'Caden/ Kaden' I kind of like Kaden with a K. Its nice, it can make the list. 'Ethan, Caleb, Dylan' I like the name Dylan for a boy, but now that I know a girl Dylan its weird, but still nice. It can make the list too, Bryce may not like it, but he is not here at the moment so his opinion is veto until he arrives. 'Jacob, Jordan, Logan' I think I would name my daughter Jordan over my son. 'Hayden, Connor, Ryan' Hayden? That's nice. Its after Dylan.   
  
I feel like such a nerd sitting here doing this, I would feel like less of a nerd if Car- No I can't think about him. He'd probably want to name our child Bobby, after his brother if we have a boy. I can understand that. I don't know if I would want it as my child's first name, maybe their second name. Like Kaden Robert John Carter, Or Dylan John Robert Carter, maybe even Hayden Robert John Carter. I am obsessed, this can not be healthy.   
  
'Morgan, Cameron, Andrew.' Nah, none of those, really work for my son.  
  
'Joshua, Noah, Matthew.' I like Noah, its nice, I will add it to the list. Noah Robert? Maybe. 'Addison, Ashton.' I like Ashton, like Ashton Kutcher, he is quite good looking,  
  
so there I go, I have my top five boys names, I will have to run them buy Bryce, of course. I set the book down on the table and grab a pen and paper, I curl up on the couch, my big baggy sweater keeps me warm, I don't look pregnant in it either. I start by writing; Girl and Boy at the top of the page, under girl I write- Emma, Madison, Riley, Brianna, Mackenzie. I really like those names, they are pretty, of course I have to write Jordan on there, because it is a pretty name.   
  
Next I write my boys names; Kaden, Dylan, Hayden. Noah and Ashton.   
  
All very nice names, I like Sebastian too, I wonder if John would want to name his son John, nah I think middle name is better. I rub my leg, I feel less pregnant today then most days, which is amazing. I also don't feel very sick today, its good. I like feeling good. I am just lazing around though, I always look at my stomach in the mirror, this shirt really hides it. If someone saw me on the street they wouldn't think I was four moths pregnant. A knock on the door, brings me back into reality, no more obsessing about my fat self. It is probably Bryce, he forgets his key, its five too, he is suppose to be home by now. I grab my list to show him. I am so anxious to show him that I have been doing some real research on my child's name, yes five minutes counts as research. He says I haven't been giving it much thought. I reach for the knob and turn it. "Bryce-" I say staring at my smiling son. "Mom, what's that?" He asks pointing at the list.  
  
"Oh, my list of baby names." He grabs it and looks it over.   
  
"Mom, Ashton?" He gives me a 'no way in hell look.' "Your obsession with the actor has really gone to far now. really it has." I laugh and he continues to look over it. "Damn it." He says out of nowhere. "What?" I forgot my bag in Matty's Car.   
  
"I'll go run and get it." He opens the door and there stands John, back pack in hand and a nervous smile on his face. Bryce stops and looks at him. I can't believe this, he is here. Right now. Standing in front of me. Bryce doesn't move for a second and then reaches forward and pushes Carter, so hard he falls onto the ground. Oh no.   
  
***PREVIEW***  
  
"I'm sorry..."  
  
I manage to emit it through sobs. There's nothing else to say. There's nothing I can say to her. I pray she can forgive me, somehow manage to take me back. She shouldn't. Hell someone should yell at her, never to let me back in her life again. Build up those stone walls all over again. I'm breaking down. 


End file.
